73 replies to this topic

[Brinybay]

Ok, women are always saying they want male friends who treat them like just another person, w/o the sex/romance thing getting in the way.

Well, I've tried a few times, with some success, but here's one of my pet peeves. I'm your friend, but I'm not your GIRL-friend. I'm still a guy. I DO NOT want to hear about your past and present male partners problems/performance (or lack thereof) IN THE BEDROOM. There's nothing I can do about it, it's none of my business, and it makes me feel uncomfortable hearing it. Am I wrong in feeling that way? If so, then I'll stop having female friends because I don't want to hear that stuff and they always seem to want to "share" with me in that way.

Edited by Brinybay, 15 September 2007 - 04:43 PM.

[shadragon]

Attractive gal pal turns to you when their guy treats them harshly. She unloads all the negative baggage on you for hours, you calm her down and she jumps back into bed with the jerk. Repeat every 3-4 weeks.

Not that this has ever happened to me, of course...

[robcgould]

There's nothing I can do about it, it's none of my business, and it makes me feel uncomfortable hearing it. Am I wrong in feeling that way?

You aren't wrong. Any way that you feel can not be wrong. It is how YOU feel.
If the friendship is worth it to her, she should understand this limitation. If the friendship grows to something else have set this boundary will prevent TMIS (Too Much Information Syndrome).
Knowing all the intimate details could also hamper the further development of a relationship and put an artifical ceiling (bringing diving into the subject) on the whole thing.
Have you ever though that you would like to take the next step in a relationship but were held back by something that you had shared previously? Serious bummer.
Express your limitations when the subject is broached. If the frienship continues, it will be better for it. If it ends then it wasn't what you wanted anyway and you will be better for it!
RCG

[DiverBabs]

Ok, women are always saying they want male friends who treat them like just another person, w/o the sex/romance thing getting in the way.

Well, I've tried a few times, with some success, but here's one of my pet peeves. I'm your friend, but I'm not your GIRLfriend. I'm still a guy. I DO NOT want to hear about your past and present male partners problems/performance (or lack thereof) IN THE BEDROOM. There's nothing I can do about it, it's none of my business, and it makes me feel uncomfortable hearing it. Am I wrong in feeling that way? If so, then I'll stop having female friends because I don't want to hear that stuff and they always seem to want to "share" with me in that way.

Sorry Briny, I know you were asking a serious question, but I just couldn't help myself.

I don't think you're wrong AT ALL to feel the way you do. I may read other gals posts and see a completely different point of view, so this is just my two cents...

Some things should just be kept private - I'm not likely to have that conversation with any of my friends and I have some very close friends. But again, that's just me... I don't want to hear about their past experiences in the bedroom either.

I have a lot of guy friends (both single & married) that would share your feelings.

Quick story: After a really great dive, my dive buddy (one of my best male friends) climbed into the back of the boat... he looked at me and said "I mean this in the best possible way, but I just think of you as one of the guys". It cracked me up... because as soon as he said it, I realized that he was worried that he had hurt my feelings. (hence, he really didn't TOTALLY think of me that way.... I mean... do you really think he'd worry about his guy friends "feelings" being hurt. lol ) I let him know very quickly that was probably the best compliment I'd every received. And, it really was!!

That being said... I for sure think that men and women can be just friends, but I think there will always be slight differences in same sex vs opposite sex friendships. AND, for that I'm grateful.

You just haven't met the right gal friends yet.

[DiverBabs]

Well said RCG!

[Cold_H2O]

Greg ~ I have various friendship "levels" for lack of a better word.
Some of my girlfriends get to hear EVERYTHING and I do mean everything..
Some don't get the intimate details.

I have several guy friends and while I do love them and consider them great friends, they don't get the details.

I know they don't really want to hear them and I respect that.

You are not wrong for not wanting to hear it all ~ a good friend will respect that part of your friendship.
Maybe you need to remind your female friends that you are not the friend who wants to know the details.
TMI ~ is a valid statement.

I have had a few friends over the years that would share too much information.
I had to remind them that I was not interested in learning everything.
The ones who respected that are still my friends the others have moved on to another victim.

[runswithebulls]

Well, i may be a young pup when it comes to these things but i will share with you my personal policy:

* In a way feel lucky women confide with you; it may be a sign of trust or that you are that father figure...

* But i agree; in any friendship or relationship, there is only so much negative feedback you can hear. If someone is going thru a tough time and they don' t move on (man or woman) even if you try to help, then you should move on, if you friendship if becoming burdensome. Sorround yourself of positive energy.

* I think women are much more verbal than us. Sometimes i don't want to talk(even if the topic it's positive) and they don't get it. That is why i love diving!!!

* When a gal friend it's telling you some intimate stuff, maybe because they like you? Is that crazy ...

Happy diving!

[MagDiver]

Ok, women are always saying they want male friends who treat them like just another person, w/o the sex/romance thing getting in the way.

Well, I've tried a few times, with some success, but here's one of my pet peeves. I'm your friend, but I'm not your GIRLfriend. I'm still a guy. I DO NOT want to hear about your past and present male partners problems/performance (or lack thereof) IN THE BEDROOM. There's nothing I can do about it, it's none of my business, and it makes me feel uncomfortable hearing it. Am I wrong in feeling that way? If so, then I'll stop having female friends because I don't want to hear that stuff and they always seem to want to "share" with me in that way.

When a man ends up being friends with a woman it usually means that he is interested in having a sexual relationship with her, but she has no interest in having sex with him. The man accepts the friendship because he thinks as long as they keep in touch there's alyays hope that she'll wake up and realize that this nice guy really is the love of her life.

A friendship with a woman is also very different from a friendship with a man. When my guy friends get married we still talk on the phone, go out for beers, plan trips together that don't include their wives... We don't see each other as often as we did when they were single, but the friendship is still pretty much the same... If you are friends with a woman, the friendship starts getting shaky when they are seeing somebody seriously. You often lose touch with them entirely when they get married... What man is comfortable with a wife who has guy friends calling her on the phone, inviting her out for beers and weekend scuba trips?

Now, if a woman finds a man who she is not sexually attracted to but likes him as a friend, she's going to start talking to him and telling him things he doesn't want to hear. She's going to tell him about the hot guy she met last night and that guy at the office who is "so sexy" but doesn't notice her, or her boyfriend who is such a jerk... all he wants is sex... he never wants to talk. Women look at real friendships as having someone who they can talk to like this. They love to talk, share secrets and discuss intimate things. Unfortunately, if you are a guy and a woman is opening up to you like this, it's obvious to you that she does not think of you in a sexual way... You might just start feeling like her gay sidekick!

Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of women who can be "one of the guys" they'll join you on scuba trips, have beers at the bar, go to a ballgame with you... They mostly like hanging out with groups of guys. That, however is a friendship on a much-less personal level and this kind of frienship happens all the time.

[Brinybay]

When a man ends up being friends with a woman it usually means that he is interested in having a sexual relationship with her, but she has no interest in having sex with him. The man accepts the friendship because he thinks as long as they keep in touch there's alyays hope that she'll wake up and realize that this nice guy really is the love of her life.

Well, maybe some guys do that, but not I. I have an unmarried lady friend who is a dear friend and is like a sister. I'm just not attracted to her physically. I like her because she knows how to have a good time, treats me with respect, her (married) lady friends are a hoot, and I like her dog. I have been in at least a few situations as you described where I wanted something on an intimate level, but they weren't interested. However, I did not, and do not, believe in "hanging on" in some other capacity, such as platonic friendship, in the hope that they will eventually change their minds. That smacks of desperation, not a good thing. If they're not interested, then they're not interested, I won't waste both our time and move on.

A friendship with a woman is also very different from a friendship with a man. When my guy friends get married we still talk on the phone, go out for beers, plan trips together that don't include their wives... We don't see each other as often as we did when they were single, but the friendship is still pretty much the same... If you are friends with a woman, the friendship starts getting shaky when they are seeing somebody seriously. You often lose touch with them entirely when they get married... What man is comfortable with a wife who has guy friends calling her on the phone, inviting her out for beers and weekend scuba trips?

This part I agree with. no arguments there.

Now, if a woman finds a man who she is not sexually attracted to but likes him as a friend, she's going to start talking to him and telling him things he doesn't want to hear. She's going to tell him about the hot guy she met last night and that guy at the office who is "so sexy" but doesn't notice her, or her boyfriend who is such a jerk... all he wants is sex... he never wants to talk. Women look at real friendships as having someone who they can talk to like this. They love to talk, share secrets and discuss intimate things. Unfortunately, if you are a guy and a woman is opening up to you like this, it's obvious to you that she does not think of you in a sexual way... You might just start feeling like her gay sidekick!

That's exactly what I'm talking about, particularly that last sentence! THAT'S what makes me feel uncomfortable!

Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of women who can be "one of the guys" they'll join you on scuba trips, have beers at the bar, go to a ballgame with you... They mostly like hanging out with groups of guys. That, however is a friendship on a much-less personal level and this kind of frienship happens all the time.

Well, if you can spare a few, send them over. Even my "friends only" lady friends still act like it's a "date" if I just want to share a pint and a laugh. Or they have to "wash their hair" or some other lame excuse.

Edited by Brinybay, 16 September 2007 - 02:48 PM.

[Brinybay]

Sorry Briny, I know you were asking a serious question, but I just couldn't help myself.

That's ok. I shouldn't attempt serious topics after work when I'm tired.

Some things should just be kept private - I'm not likely to have that conversation with any of my friends and I have some very close friends. But again, that's just me... I don't want to hear about their past experiences in the bedroom either.

I have a lot of guy friends (both single & married) that would share your feelings.

Quick story: After a really great dive, my dive buddy (one of my best male friends) climbed into the back of the boat... he looked at me and said "I mean this in the best possible way, but I just think of you as one of the guys". It cracked me up... because as soon as he said it, I realized that he was worried that he had hurt my feelings. (hence, he really didn't TOTALLY think of me that way.... I mean... do you really think he'd worry about his guy friends "feelings" being hurt. lol ) I let him know very quickly that was probably the best compliment I'd every received. And, it really was!!

You just haven't met the right gal friends yet.

Boils down to communication skills. I'm afraid of "drawing the line" with my lady friends for fear of hurting their feelings, and hence they clam up altogether. But it's funny that I know when to move on when the situation is reversed. I just stop in the middle of a sentence. If they don't respond, it's time to shut up. That works with anybody, not just women.

[Brinybay]

* In a way feel lucky women confide with you; it may be a sign of trust or that you are that father figure...

Hoo-boy, it was bad enough when I was in my 20s and teenage girls started saying I reminded them of their father, but when ADULT women start saying the same thing, I just want to blow my brains out!

[DiverBabs]

* In a way feel lucky women confide with you; it may be a sign of trust or that you are that father figure...

Hoo-boy, it was bad enough when I was in my 20s and teenage girls started saying I reminded them of their father, but when ADULT women start saying the same thing, I just want to blow my brains out!

I'm not buying the father figure... though I know where you were going with that RunswithBulls. I can't image having a conversation like that with my FATHER! I don't think you have to worry about that Briny so just keep those brains in your head!

[Latitude Adjustment]

I've had some of my daughters friends and some young ladies at work tell me things I really didn't want to hear. It maybe a way of talking out something with an adult without the repercussions if it were family. It's been rare for a female friend my age to do that.

[TraceMalin]

Ok, women are always saying they want male friends who treat them like just another person, w/o the sex/romance thing getting in the way.

Well, I've tried a few times, with some success, but here's one of my pet peeves. I'm your friend, but I'm not your GIRL-friend. I'm still a guy. I DO NOT want to hear about your past and present male partners problems/performance (or lack thereof) IN THE BEDROOM. There's nothing I can do about it, it's none of my business, and it makes me feel uncomfortable hearing it. Am I wrong in feeling that way? If so, then I'll stop having female friends because I don't want to hear that stuff and they always seem to want to "share" with me in that way.

Briny,

Perhaps when your female friends are telling you these things, you sort of tune out, yet don't wish to somehow seem rude so you just say things like Ah ha," "Yes, you're right," "I understand," "I see," Yes, that's terrible," "Mmmm hmmm" and the like so you don't seem like an uncaring human being without a heart? If so, such attempts at avoiding rudeness or heartlessness may be mistaken for "being there for her" or being a good listener. Man Rule #2 after "NO FRUIT IN BEER" is "SOLVE ALL PROBLEMS IN LESS TIME THAN THE A-TEAM (60 minutes including commercials or less)." Attempting to solve her problems will brand you as a caring male who just doesn't understand that all she wants is someone to be there for her and to just listen. This way, you won't have to make her feel foolish for having confided in you and feel hurt or embarassed. Think about it. Soap operas, aimed at women, have been on TV for years and the problems are never solved. Guy shows solve more problems between commercials in one episode of "McGyver" or "Magnum, p.i." than have been solved in "As The World Turns" from its radio days until the present. When in doubt -- help. It's the surest way to be left in peace.

[BubbleBoy]

Perhaps when your female friends are telling you these things, you sort of tune out, yet don't wish to somehow seem rude so you just say things like Ah ha," "Yes, you're right," "I understand," "I see," Yes, that's terrible," "Mmmm hmmm" and the like so you don't seem like an uncaring human being without a heart? If so, such attempts at avoiding rudeness or heartlessness may be mistaken for "being there for her" or being a good listener.

There is definitely truth in this. I've listened to my wife talk on the phone this way with her female friends for an hour. When she hangs up, I ask her what they were talking about and she says "nothing". Fact is, she's telling the truth. It's not about the specifics of what they were discussing. It's about the fact that she was in touch with her friend for an hour.

Sometimes I think the last thing my wife wants is for a problem to be solved. Then she and her friends won't have anything to talk about. Men tend to get off on solving problems. Women tend to get off on sharing them.

Edited by BubbleBoy, 16 September 2007 - 05:28 PM.