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More people marrying for the first time later in life


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#1 Mermaid Lady

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Posted 10 November 2008 - 04:13 PM

So if you ever think it's too late, think again!

http://www.usatoday....nterstitialskip



Singles find love, marriage after age 45


Enlarge By Joe Brier for USA TODAY

Brian Lebowitz and Lise Goldman are both over the age of 50 and have never been married. They are engaged to be married on June 22 and are currently searching for a house in Washington, D.C.

SOME WAIT TO TIE THE KNOT

By Sharon Jayson, USA TODAY
When she was still single in her 40s, Debra Siegel made a list of qualities for her yet-elusive perfect husband: honest, family-oriented, a hard worker and physically fit.
But the years passed and the list went unfulfilled.


VOTE: When did you first get married?
YOUR VIEWS: Do you know adults who've never been married or who wish they'd waited?

"When I hit 50, the bells went off," she says. "I didn't want to be alone for the rest of my life."

That's when she took what she calls "drastic action."


Her future husband, Dan Furlin, was of a similar mind.

"I didn't think marriage was in the picture for me," he says. "Once you hit 50, you don't want to go through the rest of life without your soul mate. I was a little bit more aggressive."

Both went the online dating route and met within months. The Dunedin, Fla., couple are both fitness-conscious and vegetarian. They were also both natives of New York state, and each had lived in Los Angeles. They moved to Florida — Furlin to Clearwater and Siegel to Orlando — before meeting online. They married in 2003.

Siegel-Furlin, 56, and Furlin, 58, are among a small but growing group of older adults marrying for the first time after age 45. Years ago, these older singles would have been known as the "spinster" neighbor or the confirmed "bachelor" friend. But now, longer life spans mean 50 is the new 30 — there's plenty of life ahead. That, coupled with the baby boomer "never-wanna-be-old" attitude and a greater number of aging singles in the population, makes it more likely that those who want to marry actually will.

A USA TODAY analysis of Census records of Americans ages 45-55 shows that the percentage of those who said they had never been married in 2006 had doubled since 1990, and the percentage of those who were currently married had dropped by 9%.

It's fairly difficult to get a real handle on this segment of the singles population because no federal entity tracks first marriages at specific ages. The closest count is the median age at first marriage, which in 2006 (the latest year for which data are available) was at its highest point: men at 27.5 and women at 25.5, according to the U.S. Census.

A tally by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, which is available just for a 20-year period, 1970 to 1990, shows that in 1990, only 0.4% of women and 0.6% of men married for the first time at ages 45 to 49.

According to the most recent data from the federal Survey of Income and Program Participation, which includes marriage, 13% of those who wed in 2003 were 45 and older.

Internet dating has largely made it possible for many of these later-life first marriages. It's only in recent years that some sites have started monitoring that demographic. Among them is Yahoo Personals, based in Santa Clara, Calif., which reports a 33% increase from January 2006 to November 2007 among users ages 45 and over who say they have never been married. Since 2005, Match.com reports an increase of almost 10% of new members 45 and older and who have never been married; these now make up almost 14% of its members.

New patterns, new people

"As people get older, they tend to find themselves in fairly established patterns, so the ability to meet new people goes down over time. They've got to do something new if they want to meet different people," says Craig Wax of Dallas, senior vice president and general manager for Match.com for North America.

Brian Lebowitz, 57, and Lise Goldman, 53, are to be married June 22. They met online almost two years ago and found out at the time that they lived within blocks of each other. Lebowitz, an attorney, lives in Washington, D.C. Goldman, who works in economic development, now lives in suburban Chevy Chase, Md. Lebowitz says his job and his hobby as a book collector took up most of his free time. But when he turned 55, he decided to give online dating a shot.

"I'd pretty much given up, but then thought I would give it a try and see what it was like," he says. "Some people — myself included — would be more comfortable starting off communication by e-mail rather than going up to somebody at a party. It's a less threatening way to go about it."

Goldman says she always wanted to be married. She had been engaged twice — once in her mid-20s and again more than a decade ago — but she says it just wasn't right until she met Lebowitz, whom she says is intelligent and kindhearted.

"There are wonderful people still out there who are hiding away in their work," she says. "He's an international lawyer, so he needs to work evenings a lot. That's been one of the blessings that kept him away from the dating scene."

Dating websites have been reinventing themselves since online dating took off in the mid-1990s. They've refined their methods, largely emphasizing a more scientific approach, which often includes compatibility and personality testing. Others have focused on niche marketing, including Spark Networks, whose online dating sites include JDate for Jewish singles, as well as CatholicMingle.com, InterracialSingles.net, BlackSingles.com, LatinSinglesConnection.com and PrimeSingles.net. That site, as well as lavalifePRIME and BOOMj.com, is among those offering social networking for these older singles.

LavalifePRIME surveyed 1,001 adults ages 45-65 in the USA and Canada last month who are not in a serious relationship and found almost one-third (31%) have never been married.

Carl Weisman of Redondo Beach, Calif., author of So Why Have You Never Been Married?, conducted an online survey for the book and found that 48% of the 1,533 bachelors ages 40 and older who responded said they were afraid of marrying the wrong person.

"They'd rather go to the grave unmarried than marry someone wrong," says Weisman, 49. "The No. 1 fear is marrying the wrong person — more than not marrying at all — by 10 to 1."

In addition to the online survey, Weisman conducted lengthy telephone interviews with 30 men. He says writing the book changed his own perspective.

"I was interviewing men 10 years older than me, and I felt like I could look into my future. I was not necessarily afraid, but I realized if I didn't change things, it was not going to change," he says.

Just weeks after completing the book, Weisman says he met a woman at a wine-tasting event and they now live together. They've talked about marriage; by the time they tie the knot, he expects they will have known each other three years.

Pepper Schwartz, a sociologist at the University of Washington in Seattle who developed a personality test for Perfectmatch.com, says the Internet has given never-marrieds new hope for matrimony.

"If you were 50 and you went to a dinner party, what's the chance of meeting a good selection, if any, of eligible people? People would show you the one person they knew who was single, and you would consider that person very closely, even if they were slightly disturbing, because you weren't going to meet many," she says.

Despite being engaged in her 20s, Stacey Kono, 48, of Beaverton, Ore., says she really didn't think about looking for a husband when she was younger because she wasn't sure a long-term relationship was for her.

Web of happiness

"It was never on my list of things to do. I just wanted to go to work," she says. "Because I am financially stable on my own, I did not need a partner."

Her husband, Terry Kono, 51, also was focused on his career. Because he's in the military, he was moving at least every three years, which he says made developing a long-term relationship difficult.

But as they got older, both decided to try eHarmony, a site that matches members based on a lengthy compatibility questionnaire.

And they didn't limit themselves on location: He lived in South Dakota; she was in Las Vegas. They dated for two years until he was transferred to Virginia. She moved to Virginia, and the couple were married last year.

Unlike the Konos, Richard Elliott,54, a software engineer from Bedford, Texas, says he had always wanted to be married, but "it just never happened."

"I thought I'd buy a house and pool and work on an immaculate lawn, and I thought somebody would just show up. You get all these things and it makes you more attractive, but it doesn't work that way. You have to get out there and be more proactive," he says.

In his 40s, he says, he sold the house and bought a sailboat, which led him to meet people. He was in a short relationship with a woman 15 years younger, and after they broke up, he decided to look online. That's where he met his wife, Cindy. They dated for a year, were engaged a year, and now they've been married a year and a half.

Cindy Elliott, a marketing manager, 49, says she had been in a five-year relationship during her early 30s and then figured it was too late for her.

"There was a time when I thought, 'It's just not going to happen.' But the World Wide Web is a wonderful thing," she says.

Contributing: Anthony DeBarros
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#2 ScubaSis

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Posted 10 November 2008 - 06:24 PM

Very Interesting my dear!!

I recently was checking out the online personals, due to a conversation with a friend of mine. I myself am afraid to try it. I did notice there seemed to be quite a few men in their late 40's that said "Never Married". I was amazed and also wondered "What is wrong with them?" Maybe seeing the mistakes of others is making a difference in the mind set of people these days. It would be nice to see a decline in the divorce rate. As for me, I choose to stay single and alone a while longer before giving in to the online dating thing. I have been divorced and don't want that to happen again.

Anyone else have any input??
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#3 uwfan

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Posted 10 November 2008 - 06:36 PM

Very interesting article!

I haven't looked at online dating sites...enough trouble sorting out in person relationships!! LOL!

As a never married person...it's nice to know there are perhaps some guys out there who might also have put so much time and effort into their careers for many years (as I have) that a relationship took the back burner. ...And perhaps now later in life, when I'm open to the possibilities (or not ... it has to be right) there just might be that special someone. :cheerleader:

One thing I have heard about online dating sites is that more often than not, friends have run into married guys who pretend to be single - no thank you!!!

#4 WreckWench

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Posted 11 November 2008 - 05:21 AM

I can vouch for getting married later in life and I'm VERY HAPPY I didn't do it sooner...GIVEN the men I would have married and well frankly looking at myself back then. I was in NO WAY ready to be a great wife and companion. And neither were they. LOL!!!

So use this time to become the kind of person you want to attract and it will happen. When I stopped focusing on FINDING the right guy and started focusing on BEING THE RIGHT PERSON....the RIGHT GUY FOUND ME! :cool1:

As for men pretending to be single...THAT happens no matter what...not just via online dating sites. But as soon as you tell them you don't sleep with men you are not in love with and they realize that you won't fall in love overnight...or even in a couple of weeks....most guys single or just pretending to be single move on to easier pickings. :)

Personally I really liked the online dating sites. I would search out all the guys that were divers and send them a message to attend a diving related happy hour sponsored by SingleDivers.com. Then I would invite girls in my area too as obviously it wouldn't be much for for the guys if I was the only girl there...and guess what? I met a lot of GREAT new friends...and even dated a few of them once I had gotten to meet them! :cheerleader:

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#5 dustbowl diver

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Posted 11 November 2008 - 06:26 AM

I read this article and thought, wow, I must have been a trend setter! Perhaps I should have opted for someone that was 26, not 21!!! :cheerleader:
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#6 Mitch0129

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Posted 11 November 2008 - 07:50 AM

As one who has never married and will hit the half-century mark in two months, I will add my .02 PSI on this. The big knock on guys who are over 35 and have never married is that we are "afraid of commitment". Granted, that is true in a lot of cases but for the most part, I don't believe many of us are like that.

For some of us, it is usually because the twists and turns of life got us to this point. For myself, I found myself in situations where meeting women was very difficult. I got my degree from a technical college where the guy-to-girl ratio was 10:1. So when I graduated from college, I was not even dating anyone, much less engaged. Dating in the workplace was taboo and I did not do bars, happy hours, or church singles groups.

So what did I do? Well, I just found things to do to occupy my time outside of work. I participated in the running/triathlon circuit for 10 years, I also got an extra job working sporting events in the Houston area. I also did some volunteer work. Along the way, I did meet some nice ladies and had a few dates but none ever panned out. But at the time, I did not worry about it.

I have tried the "online" dating experience and I found it okay for the most part. However, there were times that I felt the women I met were doing it for fun and for something to laugh with their girlfriends over a glass of wine. One woman I was meeting had brought her girlfriend along, her friend was meeting a guy herself from the same site. I told the woman I was meeting that the three of you can have fun but I don't play this game and promptly left.

I even tried the dating services on two occasions, neither of them worked very well. I had one membership for two years, only got "picked" three times, the other for a year, only picked once. I did do some picking myself but you would be amazed how often I got the "No, thanks" response. If a guy like me (yes, I am being a little cocky) is having that kind of trouble, I could only imagine what it was like for some of the other guys.

At this point in my life, it is pretty even odds I will ever tie the knot. Some of you know that I recently got out of two-year relationship, what I have not mentioned is that the break-up has been pretty ugly. I am thinking that if this is anything like what a divorce would be like, I know that I want to make sure I have found the right woman.

As I said, that is my .02 PSI on this.
-Mitch-

#7 weescot

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Posted 11 November 2008 - 08:30 AM

Blimely! This is a bit too close to the mark! I fall into this category and can identify with some of what is reported. I have three friends that have extended the honur of inviting me to both their first and second weddings. I personally think people are chosing not to marry through a combination of high divorce rate (1:3 - or is it now 2 - in the UK) and too busy exploiting career opportunites.

It is bizarre, but I was asked why I have never married very recently by one SD member. My answer was simple - "Because I am an unclaimed treasure" :canuckdiver: Like many, I came close to marrying earlier on in life, but I now just don't seem to make the time for the dating game - plus limited decent dating opps out here! Reading this article though, seems like I have my retirement priorities wrong..... :birthday:

Interesting article though - thanks for sharing...
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#8 drbill

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Posted 11 November 2008 - 09:20 AM

Well, I'm 61 and have never been married. When I was young I wasn't interested in having children which would have been a major reason to do so. If I married then, it would have been for that elusive feeling they call love. However, my geographic isolation did not bring that opportunity, and I was not desperate enough to brave the insanity of Lost Angeles to find her. The island is just too limiting socially.

I've always been comfortable being by myself. I enjoy the company of others, but am perfectly content to be alone at home. Even the long-term relationships I've had (up to 8 years) have involved a certain degree of separation.

Of course I do have a desire to meet a woman I can fall in love with... and I wouldn't rule marriage out of the question. As long as I'm living here on the island, the likelihood of that happening is diminished. A professional woman would not find much career opportunity here unless she were a writer or capable of working via the Internet.

#9 Hipshot

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Posted 11 November 2008 - 12:09 PM

As a 56-year-old guy who's never been married (or kept my mistakes in love away from altars, as I like to refer to it) where can I start?

Mitch: I have tried the "online" dating experience and I found it okay for the most part.


I'd been on Match.com for a few years, and I pretty-much agree. I will say this--I generally met a better class of women on Match than I did at bars. Of course, that's in the past now, since for the past 14 months I've been dating a woman whom I'd met on Match.

Dr. Bill: I've always been comfortable being by myself. I enjoy the company of others, but am perfectly content to be alone at home.


This is big, Dr. Bill. I've found that before I can be comfortable with someone, I have to be comfortable alone. Of course, I made that discovery after what was probably the most painful breakup I went through in life, back in the 80s.

Wenchie: I'm VERY HAPPY I didn't do it sooner...GIVEN the men I would have married and well frankly looking at myself back then. I was in NO WAY ready to be a great wife and companion. And neither were they. LOL!!!


Back in 2002, my then fiance called things off (and kept the ring and stuck me with about $600 in credit debts for good measure). After a surprisingly short grieving period, I realized how lucky I was. Nobody's perfect until you fall in love with them. I like to joke that the following Christmas I gave my Guardian Angel a big tip.

uwfan: As a never married person...it's nice to know there are perhaps some guys out there who might also have put so much time and effort into their careers for many years (as I have) that a relationship took the back burner. ...


A number of years ago, I remember reading a piece that said that the best men were the ones who got married early in life (they weren't afraid of commitments) while the best women got married later (to develop their careers first). It always seemed like a double standard.

Thanks to our resident Mermaid for an interesting topic.

Rick

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#10 ScubaSis

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Posted 11 November 2008 - 07:26 PM

Yes this was very interesting and enlightening.

Looks like the best years are ALL years. Have a good career, do as you please for most of your life, and then later when it's time and the RIGHT person comes into your life.....the rest can be PERFECT also!!!! :canuckdiver:
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#11 Victoria

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Posted 08 December 2008 - 08:56 AM

There are a lot of us like that out there. I have come to recognise, though, that part of my learning experience in life has been experiencing enough of what I didn't want/like in relationships to better be able to discern what I do want, and more importantly what I need in a relationship. More often than not, chitlins in their 20s have no clue what they want, much less what they really need, despite their theories at the time.

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#12 drbill

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Posted 10 December 2008 - 11:17 PM

I'm still single but...

My son contacted me last week to tell me that he and his long-time GF Mary are moving to Colorado at the end of this month. He had forgotten I was going back east for the holidays in a few days, which only gave me a short time to get over to see him before he left. As you may remember, he got SCUBA certified last summer so I was pleased to have a buddy I could count on for some fun diving. No way he'll get me to dive ice or fresh water lakes out there.

So I rush over to spend two days with him before I have to leave for the holidays and he drops a bombshell on me... he and Mary are getting married in March. Of course I'm happy for the two of them... but shouldn't a son at least wait until his father gets married first???

#13 uwfan

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Posted 11 December 2008 - 09:44 AM

I'm still single but...

My son contacted me last week to tell me that he and his long-time GF Mary are moving to Colorado at the end of this month. He had forgotten I was going back east for the holidays in a few days, which only gave me a short time to get over to see him before he left. As you may remember, he got SCUBA certified last summer so I was pleased to have a buddy I could count on for some fun diving. No way he'll get me to dive ice or fresh water lakes out there.

So I rush over to spend two days with him before I have to leave for the holidays and he drops a bombshell on me... he and Mary are getting married in March. Of course I'm happy for the two of them... but shouldn't a son at least wait until his father gets married first???


Congrads to your son! Er... I think if he's your SON.... he shouldn't have to wait for YOU to get married! :teeth:

#14 WreckWench

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Posted 11 December 2008 - 10:03 AM

Yes this was very interesting and enlightening.

Looks like the best years are ALL years. Have a good career, do as you please for most of your life, and then later when it's time and the RIGHT person comes into your life.....the rest can be PERFECT also!!!! :teeth:



CORRECTION...the BEST YEARS are the ones still to come! :taz:

Contact me directly at Kamala@SingleDivers.com for your private or group travel needs or 864-557-6079 AND don't miss SD's 2018-2021 Trips! ....here! Most are once in a lifetime opportunities...don't miss the chance to go!!
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#15 drbill

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Posted 11 December 2008 - 10:56 AM

Congrads to your son! Er... I think if he's your SON.... he shouldn't have to wait for YOU to get married! :teeth:


Things happen... his mother who I dated briefly never told me until he was 17




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