71 replies to this topic

[mostlysingle]

Women are welcome to chime in as well!!!

Do you prescribe to the notion that a man can take care of a woman in a relationship? By that I mean financially, not physically or any other way. Let me further explain. I consistently go round and round with someone in my office who is trying to “marry off” her daughter because she needs to be taken care of (financially). Her daughter does not work and everything she has, her mother has bought for her. Her daughter also has a daughter, who is taken care of in the same manner. She wants to marry off her daughter and have her taken care of instead of having the daughter get a job, learn a skill, etc. The daughter is 33 years old and cannot fend for herself or her own child! Now my question is, does that appeal to men still? Or I guess, did it ever? Do you shy away from women like that? Or do you shy away from women who can make their own living and be successful? I guess its just a question I’ve been pondering and I’m curious.

[mvillanueva]

Have you ever talked to the daughter in question yourself?

[mostlysingle]

Yes. The daughter is set on getting married off as well, so she never has to work.

[Lubold8431]

Hmmm, it sounds like there might be more to this story. Personally, I wouldnt want to marry a woman who can not provide for herself. I like strong, independent women that dont need me for my finances (LOL, I dont really have much to offer in the way of finances anyways!!!). I think it would be like a leech sponging off of you. I have had friends like that, and I wouldnt want a woman like that. No thanks....
It would be an entirely different thing if on the other hand, a man and a woman get married, and then the woman stops working to take care of their children. Then when they are older, the woman goes back to her career.

I dont know, this is a touchy subject, and I think each situation is different and the people involved need to work it out.

[mostlysingle]

Let me say that I agree there sounds like there should be more - but I have befriended these people and I can tell you there is no mental or physical reason why she cannot work or go to school or learn a trade. Her mother has provided for her and has enabled her to be this way. Now her mother is looking for someone else to take charge of it - but she is not looking at the daughter. Before I posed this question I did the research to make sure it wasn't misinterpreted.

[Lubold8431]

Hmmmmm... Thats sketchy. I think they both need professional help.

[cmt489]

It just sounds so bizzare - the mother works but does not expect her daughter or granddaughter to work. Hmmmm......

Having been on the opposite end of the spectrum and having supported my ex-husband, I must say that I personally think it is unfair to ask anyone to support the other person unless the other person has taken on a job such as raising a family. I do recall some of the men in my office joking that my ex was striking a blow for women's equality everywhere. Oddly, I wasn't all that amused at the time

Personally, I dislike the whole concept of women marrying just so they don't have to work! It goes against everything I worked so hard to achieve. Mind you, this is just one working woman's opinion

Michelle

[zendiver]

I could not agree more Michelle. I have never believed in it. Now days with the cost of day care being so outrageous, it just makes more sense, financially for one of the parents staying home to care for their children, especially infants. It really doesn't matter which one it is, if they come to an agreement. Whom ever the one they decide it will be has their work cut out for them and it is NOT a 8 to 5 job. Raising a family, whether it be a stay-at-home MOM or DAD, is VERY HARD WORK.

[mvillanueva]

Your scenario raises a host of questions for me, and it is a real temptation to take bandwidth to ferret the issues. In your scenario, something else is going on that is missing from the presentation. And it does seem other people are asking about the Springer-like scenario. However, I will leave those alone and answer *your* questions directly.

"Now my question is, does that appeal to men still?"

I don't know, I cannot speak for men. I can speak for me in that little of what you describe is appealing, but it could be. There is more here than meets the eye, hence my hedging. But given your black and white presentation, I would say, no, it is not appealing.

"Or I guess, did it ever?"

I don't know -- "ever" is a time longer than I have been around. Maybe you are making a rhetorical point.


"Do you shy away from women like that?"

I have never met a woman like that, and given the circle I move in, it is unlikely I ever will. Even the most culturally disparate groups I have worked with over the years, from rural, indigenous people to upper SES folks, I have never met anyone like that, so I don't know if I would shy away or not.

"Or do you shy away from women who can make their own living and be successful?"

Now those women I have had plenty of direct experience with! Nope, I have not shyed away from those women. In my line, at this stage, those are the women I have and will continue to meet. However, in my experience, those women are much, much more emotionally cloistered, guarded, careful ect than other women in so called traditional gender roles. Not to say successful women are not friendly and fun -- the ones I know are. And it is difficult to say the least to get past the friendliness to see if there are other, deeper mutual interests.

Again, these statements reflect my personal opinions and personal experiences.

[RichardB]

For me a lack of drive is a big turn off. I don't do well with lazy, immature, dependent and incompetent people. I find self drive, intelligence and a self sufficient attitude not only desirable but also very attractive. Further, I have little patience for someone who basis my value in a relationship primarily on the fact I earn a good living and can afford to provide a home without a working spouse. A relationship should be a 50-50 partnership, each contributes their share in different ways. No one person should carry the entire load. (And I don't mean that financially). Not that I desire a spouse to work outside the home,….that’s her decision. As long as she is happy, I’m happy. But having someone who wants a “man” so she won’t have to work….yeah, that’s a relationship that’s going to last….yeah, right!

[scubagirl1966]

People require all kinds of things from a relationship - there are busy sucessful men that need a wife to run their homes completely - be flexible to accompany them when needed to business events or move at regular intervals - They would not do well with a wife who wants to establish a solid career.

There are women who want to stay at home and take - if you wish - a more traditional role.

I don`t know about it being attractive or not - I think it about needs and life styles. I think men want to take care of women - in the provider / protector sense

While many men will say that they don`t want a dependant woman - truth is - you don`t generally find men lining up to date a sucessful career woman - I think total independance is as much a turn off as total dependance - most guys I think would prefer a little independance but they still want to feel needed


But then .. what would I know ... i`m a girl !!

[sea nmf]

I'm going to go out on a limb here. Because the inference is that the daughter is too lazy to seek skills to get a good job or to work at all. If that is the case, the question is does it appeal to men? If it does, then what is appealing about it?

I think the question that is underlying this might be for the man who does find it appealing. Would it be because this type of "arrangement" makes you feel good? If so, what is feeding that "good feeling"? Would we not be judging not only the daughter but the man in a relationship such as this? (I think yes)

I fear that any man who might find it appealing would be loathe to admit it here.

But it is an interesting question. While the women might have opinions, it is nice to hear from the men on this (without waffling and using the parameters set forth about the daughter's character). The daughter isn't neccessarily staying at home to raise a family, even though she has a child. At least that is what I'm getting out of the description.

[triggerfish]

i suppose there are lots of women out there who still want to "marry off" the daughter. it's kinda sad in my opinion. but i come from a family with a strong work ethic....even tho my mom and dad married pretty young and mom didn't "work" per se, they sure as hell expected ME to work!

[mostlysingle]

sea nmf-

Your assessment is correct. In reading the responses, it is possible that the "example" is confusing the issue. Taking the example away, whether a woman is too lazy or simply thinks she should not have to work it more the point. But the answers are interesting and the women are just as welcome to respond. I'm not looking to judge anyone. I am intrigued by the different ways people think.

[DandyDon]

Hmm, that kind of idea is still found in my generation - that of the 50-something mom, but rarely seen in your's these days. But if she was raised that way, or just naturally lazy - I can see the appeal. It was more natural in less developed times, in which the woman did all of the childcare, leaving the men to provide virtually everything, and the compromise known as traditional marriage grew out of that.

However, she's going to forfeith a lot - in self dignity, implied rights, etc. Some men really like the idea of a pet woman/wife, but watch out for control freaks, even abuse. Then, too - there are women in my generation who want equal rights without equal responsibility. They fare the worst.

Women wearing so much more jewelry than men in the western cultures grew out of this in the middle east. A man could divorce any wife with sudden notice, and she had to leave the premisis with only what she could carry - with gems being more valuable that even gold.