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Question for the Men of The Board


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#31 jextract

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Posted 13 August 2004 - 01:35 PM

I was not very clear and given this topic, I ought not to be so telegraphic. I should have said had "little to no need nor want of me".

Despite your disagreement, my sense is that while we do not agree, we are not that far apart. When emotional connections are made, the mutual need is there often manifested as mutual reliance.

I like that feeling.

I suspect you are correct that we're not that far apart.
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#32 mvillanueva

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Posted 13 August 2004 - 01:35 PM

"Or do you shy away from women who can make their own living and be successful?"

Now those women I have had plenty of direct experience with! Nope, I have not shyed away from those women. In my line, at this stage, those are the women I have and will continue to meet. However, in my experience, those women are much, much more emotionally cloistered, guarded, careful etc than other women in so called traditional gender roles.


What an interesting observation, Michael. Of everything written so far, that one statement just spoke to me. Granted, I haven't given it a great deal of thought (yet), but I would tend to agree wholeheartedly with that statement. I think it may be because we still feel the need to protect our independence- despite the changes in the last 40 years & economic neccessity, women in the workforce are still treated unequally.

Certainly, I've had some life experiences with men that have caused me to raise all kinds of walls but I made a concious decision a couple of years to tear them down. It's hard work but I do not want to go through the rest of my life being emotionally detached or unavailable to the people that I care for. I'm actually trying to model my daughter- to me, she personifies the type of woman that I would like to grow into- warm, caring, open, considerate of others, especially her husband & children. That's what I want to bring that into any relationship that I may have in the future because I want it to succeed for life. Our society has become to willing to accept relationships as temporary, not lifetime, commitments. I'm not willing to do that anymore & if I want to change that, I have to change me first.

Sorry to digress from the topic!

Well, she did ask a direct question about shying away or not.

I was sharing my experience in this matter. And just to be clear, many succesful single women I know are friendly, engaging, and do become somewhat attached -- it is in that hard-to-define area where you attempt beyond the friend stage -- that is remarkably resilient to alteration.

Perhaps my observation has as much to do with age as it does intimacy -- maybe we just get set in our ways, and have had multiple experiences that only confirm pre-existing perceptions.


Then again, it could be a combination of my looks and lack of deoderant!
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#33 scubagirl1966

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Posted 13 August 2004 - 01:36 PM

Scubagirl1966 - Sweety - and I'm not being condesending or macho - so if my use of that term is ofensive to you my apollogies in advance.

That's the type of women I look for. Yes I deliengently seek that type of woman. Problem is sometimes they are not so willing to make time for a relationship. Sucessful, independant women are just as guilty for the relationship busters as what men are accused of.

Not offended at all by being called sweety - in fact - it`s rather nice :0)

And yes I think you are right that these days it`s hard for career couple to find the time to date and make a relationship work.

I admire my parents they have been married over 40 years - they both worked - my Mom worked part time my Dad full time 6 days a week. But I know how much effort they put into their relationship - I don`t know where the time comes from when both work full time / long hours ! .... this could be why I`ve been hopelessly single for 10 years !!!

#34 Bubble2Bubble

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Posted 13 August 2004 - 02:32 PM

I have overveiwed the entire thread one thing sticks out to me.

esa nmf

2. Can't you love someone, rather than "need" them. (It depends on what the definition of "need" is.)


MS there's noway to comment on this thread.
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#35 mostlysingle

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Posted 13 August 2004 - 02:50 PM

I have read and read and have found the comments to be extremely interested. Thank you all for your insight.

I am not discounting Love or any other aspect of relationships. I was simply questioning the theory of someone wanting to marry off themselves or their child so that they can be taken care of instead of having to "fend for themselves". And to explain "fend for themselves" I mean that to include contribute equally to the relationship - not just be a leech. I was asking whether its is still the way some people think. Again, this is mostly geared toward the financial aspect.

To fall in love is something totally different. If I read what you wrote correctly, you are making the differentiation that if you love that person, it doesn't matter if they are simply latching on for a comfortable life without contribution? I'm not sure I have read you right my friend!

#36 scubagirl1966

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Posted 13 August 2004 - 02:54 PM

just because someone is not working it does not have mean they are not contributing

... but I`m guessing as you know the individuals in this game .... it may be so in this case



... but it has been an interesting thread

#37 Sylvia

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Posted 13 August 2004 - 02:55 PM

I guess there's different people each looking for something different from each other and the mix is quite interesting. Shake it all up and hopefully everyone will find the right one for their lives.

Yes, there are men out there that love a woman whose world revolves around them and others that don't. What is important is that each one be true to themselves so they in turn can be true to the other person.

Personally, my mother was an icon for many generations. She was an awesome wife, mother, and resourceful in many business ventures without ever making my father feel less than the good provider. She taught us how to understand and respect a man's ego, feelings, and needs and how to have ours met as well. She was a woman of excellence and I was blessed to have her as my mother. My father was her one an only as was my husband to me before he passed four years ago.

You're pretty blessed if found love once, doubly if you find it a second time.

Honestly, although I've joked around with many of you, truth be know all of this is pretty new to me. I don't know all the games played and really don't care to. No matter what you or anyone else wants, be honest, be real and look for what makes you happy and don't hurt anyone else needlessly and you will find it.

I'm sure if that mother is looking for a husband for her daughter, she will find the right one that will accept the situation as it is, no matter what we or anyone else thinks. Can we change another's perspective, probably not. It is what it is.

All the best to her, all the best to each of you.

#38 mostlysingle

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Posted 13 August 2004 - 02:57 PM

scubagirl1966 - that is not implied.

#39 mostlysingle

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Posted 13 August 2004 - 03:03 PM

Sylvia -

That was very well said. Thank you.

#40 Laura

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Posted 13 August 2004 - 03:05 PM

... people who want equal rights without equal responsibility are worthy only of our contempt.

Jex,

That remind me of Ayn Rand's objectivism philosphy, as demonstrated in the book "Atlas Shrugged" (see, I really did read it)

Here's my 2 psi's worth

1) I think the best relationships are formed when each partner brings something to the table. If one partner doesn't work outside the home, he/she should keep house full time. If they both work, household chores should be split 50/50. As much as I'd love to meet a "sugar daddy", I would be bored sitting around the house eating bon-bons. I would not feel right unless I was making some sort of contribution.

2) If you marry for money, you will always pay for it

3) I'd rather have a nice man who isn't rich, than to have a rich man who isn't nice. If I meet someone who is kind and a good person, and they just happen to have money, well then that is a nice bonus. But if they are but rude,controlling or abusive, then I'm outta there, no matter what their income is.

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#41 Marvel

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Posted 13 August 2004 - 03:31 PM

Perhaps my observation has as much to do with age as it does intimacy -- maybe we just get set in our ways, and have had multiple experiences that only confirm pre-existing perceptions.


Multiple experiences can certainly contribute to those barriers. Too often we bring preconcieved ideas from past relationships into our new ones. The first step is to leave the past in the past. Example- Just because someone in my past used me financially does not mean that everyone else will. (only an easy example pulled from this topic, guys). So, I try not to measure using a warped yardstick when I meet someone.

And, yes, we can get set in our ways- especially if we have lived alone for an extended period of time & are comfortable with the life that we have developed. But, if I live all of my life open to new experiences, rather than staying well in my comfort zone, then I teach myself to be open to new possibilities in all aspects of my life. Example- I started diving at the age of 46. Who knows, someday I might even do something like sky dive!

But, what I really think is critical is how I treat someone if I do get into another relationship. My pastor just made reference to catching himself treating his wife with less courtesy than he gave to strangers- he realized that by doing so he had his priorities totally backwards. Last example- I can be on the phone speaking with my daughter & if her husband comes home from work, she immediately tells me she has to go. Why? Not because she is looking for an excuse to get off the phone but because they have both made a decision that their relationship comes first. They believe that all their other relationships, including with their children, are as healthy as their own is. So, they take very good care of that one & everything else flows from that. Despite their relative youth (he's 28, she's 25) & having three children, their 5 year marriage is stable, happy, & still filled with love & romance.

Just my 2 psi.
Marvel

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#42 sea nmf

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Posted 13 August 2004 - 03:32 PM

I  have read and read and have found the comments to be extremely interested.  Thank you all for your insight. 

I am not discounting Love or any other aspect of relationships.  I was simply questioning the theory of someone wanting to marry off themselves or their child so that they can be taken care of instead of having to "fend for themselves".  And to explain "fend for themselves" I mean that to include contribute equally to the relationship - not just be a leech.  I was asking whether its is still the way some people think.  Again, this is mostly geared toward the financial aspect.

To fall in love is something totally different.  If I read what you wrote correctly, you are making the differentiation that if you love that person, it doesn't matter if they are simply latching on for a comfortable life without contribution? I'm not sure I have read you right my friend!

I was responding to the difference between love and need only.

Motivation in a relationship is what we seem to be talking about here. In the case you are describing, the motiviation is financial, not emotional. Love enters in when there is an emotional connection.

This is not to say that the people involved will not end up in a loving relationship. Who can predict that?

Speaking for myself, I don't think being motivated by financial reasons builds a good foundation. Respect and genuine enjoyment seem to be the best motivation in my experience.

#43 triggerfish

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Posted 13 August 2004 - 03:54 PM

wow.

i have absolutely nothing of value to add to any of this.

but i do love my dogs.

#44 Sylvia

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Posted 13 August 2004 - 03:58 PM

Personally when it comes to a relationship,

Many people speak on different levels, but there is only one level, I understand and give my attention to when it comes to a relationship and that is the language of love.

If it's love and real, you got my attention, otherwise you may just be having a conversation by yourself.

I'm a meat and potatoes girl, or arroz con gandules girl it has to have substance or not interested.

Good link. :taz:

#45 cmt489

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Posted 13 August 2004 - 04:25 PM

Not to be crass, but my friends and I have an expression that it is cheaper just to get a hooker and a housecleaner.

Alright, since I have the house cleaner does this mean that I only have to seek out the hooker now? :dance:

Just remember, you aren't paying them for the sex, you're paying for them to shut up and leave with no strings attached afterward. Think of it as renting instead of leasing or buying! :dance:

Sometimes it is better to rent. When it breaks down it's the owner's problem and not mine... :dance:




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