32 replies to this topic

[WreckWench]

First off let me say I am happily married to my husband and have all intentions of staying that way. And while we've had our share of troubles many we are still working out...divorce is not in the picture.

However lately I've met a number of folks and the site has attracted a few that are either separated and they are looking for a new dive buddy or in the process of getting a divorce and want to meet new friends or are officially divorced and 'just want to dive'.

Having never been divorced I was surprised at how long the process can take legally from "separated to legally divorced".

So you tell me...when do you feel divorced if you have gone thru this ugly process or are in it now? When do you start dating again? Do you fully disclose if your divorce is not final or if you are only 'separated' and if so how do potential partners react to your situation? Are they cool with it? Do they request you contact them when its official or does it depend on the person?

Thanks for sharing...inquiring minds want to know.

[Diver Ed]

A very interesting series of questions, and I am curious to see some of the responses. I got separated in Dec 08. The divorce was finalized in Feb 11. As we did not qualify for a divorce in South Carolina, we needed to be separated for one year before we could get divorced. Because my ex chose to play games and make things very difficult for me, coupled with my lawyer looking to milk me, I was the only one that was anxious for a conclusion. That is why it took over two years for mine. I remember the date that we separated, but not the date that the divorce was finalized. I guess that is because I knew the marriage was over, I was happy about that, and the long drawn out process was less of a headache than the last part of the marriage was. That said, the process was still hell in a lot of respects. I spent a few years happily single, and only recently started dating. For me, it was importand to fully resolve the divorce process before starting a new relationship. I also was left with a decent amouint of debt, that I wanted to clear up before starting a new relationship. I clearly stated that I was divorced when talking with women. I spoke with a couple that are separated, and I did shy away from that. Not that it was a written rule, but a preference. My thought was that a relationship is difficult enough on its own to make work. Adding the extra issue of an ongoing divorce makes things that much more difficult.

First off let me say I am happily married to my husband and have all intentions of staying that way. And while we've had our share of troubles many we are still working out...divorce is not in the picture.

However lately I've met a number of folks and the site has attracted a few that are either separated and they are looking for a new dive buddy or in the process of getting a divorce and want to meet new friends or are officially divorced and 'just want to dive'.

Having never been divorced I was surprised at how long the process can take legally from "separated to legally divorced".

So you tell me...when do you feel divorced if you have gone thru this ugly process or are in it now? When do you start dating again? Do you fully disclose if your divorce is not final or if you are only 'separated' and if so how do potential partners react to your situation? Are they cool with it? Do they request you contact them when its official or does it depend on the person?

Thanks for sharing...inquiring minds want to know.

[Landlocked Dive Nut]

Many people will answer these questions according to their own situation and moral compass.

Both of my marriages ended with a separation prior to the divorce. In both cases, I abstained from dating or even flirting until the divorce was final. If either of my exes had the same moral compass, I would probably still be married.

I am willing to date now but I don't know if I will get married again. It would take someone very special to convince me to try it again.....

[TCdamsel]

My ex and I separated after filing for divorce and it was so ugly that dating was the last thing on my mind. Even after the divorce was final 9 months later, my first priority was making sure my 6 year old son would come through the divorce ok. I conciously made the decision not to date. Kids can be so damaged by their parents bringing in boyfriends and girlfriends, one after the other, after a divorce, even moving in with them. I don't think they realize what it does to the children.

I'm a pretty firm believer in the theory that people marry other people who are at the same level of emotional maturity. Which is to say that I was pretty messed up to have married such a rotten guy. So for the next ten years I worked on improving myself, put my son first, and became very independent. Oh, AND learned to scuba dive ! Now that my son is in high school, I might consider dating a bit (and discreetly). But marry again and mingle funds? I think not.

[shadragon]

Took me over three years to finalize my divorce and got saddled with a 6 digit debt load. Freedom has its price and I never looked back. In that time, I got qualified in SCUBA, went hiking / camping, took ball room dance lessons, worked on my education and traveled; Egypt, Caribbean (twice) and Mexico.

Would I do it again? Possibly. Time will tell. I was with my ex for 21 years and they were the happiest 14 years of my life.

[grim reefer]

Interesting question.

The process very much depends on the jurisdiction.

Because of what I am going through, I know more about NC divorce law than I ought to. NC has abolished all "fault" grounds for divorce and only recognizes two "no fault" grounds for divorce: (1) continuous separation for a year with the intention of one of the parties that the separation be permanent. (2) incurable insanity of one party without cohabitation for 3 years. (2) seems quite useless given (1), but , hey, it's the law. It doesn't have to make sense.

In this state a couple can't even file for divorce until they have been living apart for more than a year. There isn't even really a "legal separation" in this state. A couple is legally separated when they are living apart and at least one of the parties intends for the separation to be permanent. There are no documents to file or anything of the sort. Most couples will enter into a marital settlement agreement, either prior to or after separation. The agreement is a binding contract between the parties but not an order of the court. It can be handled completely in private with no court involvement whatsoever. Sometimes couples cannot agree on child custody, visitation, child support, alimony, and property settlement. They will spend absurd amounts of money on lawyers fighting over trivial things, engage in endless litigation, and force a judge to decide things. Other times, people will be reasonable and agree to things, take their contract down to the bank and have it notarized. The marital settlement agreement always has a clause allowing each other to live as if single people.

If the marriage is over in everything but name and the (legal) spouses have explictly given each other permission to date in a notarized contract then it would seem to me like dating would be a personal decision that none of us really ought question as long as there is full disclosure.

I can't adress the issue of how potential partners react to my situation since I haven't asked anyone out. I think I'll probably wait until after I can honestly say I am divorced before I date again. It just seems a lot cleaner that way.

-The Grim Reefer

Edited by grim reefer, 24 February 2012 - 06:45 AM.

[grim reefer]

I edited my initial response above to better respond to what I think was the "call of the question"

-The Grim Reefer

[grim reefer]

I'll actually be going on a date for the first time in forever so I have a reaction I can share now. I talked about my situation the night we met. I then reiterated that with more detail in an email conversation that ensued after she contacted me expressing her interest in seeing me. (Technology sure has changed the way the game is played...no phone numbers on the back of a card- just hand the iPhone accross the table and have the other person type in their contact info).

As for the disclaimer...Heard, understood, and acknowledged. Oh, and thanks for the compliments! It really is my lucky day I was married and subsequently divorced once upon a time (okay, still divorced) but mine was short and painless, without property or children to slow the process. I think we are both mature enough to understand the intricacies of dating in the modern age, where the difference between married and single often comes down to a technicality, or piece of paper. I appreciate your being honest and upfront about where you stand, and I certainly respect the boundaries your situation may entail.

[Two Wheels and a Regulator]

Some folk have been "divorced" for a long time before the first bit of paperwork was ever submitted.
My first time 'round I waited until the court finalized it, this time it was the moment we agreed to not bring any dates to the our house.
To clarify, paperwork has been filed, we are waiting for finalization and since we can't afford a house separately we are living as "room mates" until it is sold. Regardless our marriage was over years ago.

[drbill]

Never been married so never been divorced. In general I date women only after the divorce is final, although I've made exceptions for ladies that I knew were just separated but very serious about completing the divorce process. Then again, in my youth during the 70s I dated one that had few thoughts of divorcing her current husband. Shame!

[Lloyd Christmas]

First off let me say I am happily married to my husband and have all intentions of staying that way. And while we've had our share of troubles many we are still working out...divorce is not in the picture.

However lately I've met a number of folks and the site has attracted a few that are either separated and they are looking for a new dive buddy or in the process of getting a divorce and want to meet new friends or are officially divorced and 'just want to dive'.

Having never been divorced I was surprised at how long the process can take legally from "separated to legally divorced".

So you tell me...when do you feel divorced if you have gone thru this ugly process or are in it now? When do you start dating again? Do you fully disclose if your divorce is not final or if you are only 'separated' and if so how do potential partners react to your situation? Are they cool with it? Do they request you contact them when its official or does it depend on the person?

Thanks for sharing...inquiring minds want to know.

you are divorced when you find someone hotter than your ex....until that moment you may have made a mistake.

[WreckWench]

you are divorced when you find someone hotter than your ex....until that moment you may have made a mistake.

[Lloyd Christmas]

you are divorced when you find someone hotter than your ex....until that moment you may have made a mistake.

not everyone gets the humor.................

[WreckWench]

Not everyone has walked in these shoes... and while I have not...I sure met a lot of men who had! LOL!