I regret to inform you that effective immediately, I
will no longer be able to serve the Southern United
States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming
population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated
by North American Fairies and Elves Local #209. I now
serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois,
Wisconsin and Michigan.
As part of the new and better contract, I also get
longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in
mind. However, I am certain that your children will be
in good hands with your local replacement who happens
to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus.
His side of the family is from the South Pole. He
shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys
and girls.
However, there are a few differences between us such
as:
1. There is no danger of The Grinch stealing your
presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his
sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads:
"These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers
that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a
moon pie] on the fireplace and Bubba doesn't smoke a
pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an
empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared,
flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the
mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one
time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's
fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and
Blitzen..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead,
you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and
Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And
you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I
her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba
Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle
on the back with the words "Back off". The last I
heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh as
well. One is a Ford logo with lights that race through
the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa
Claus) peeing on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as
"Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life"
will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area.
Instead, you'll see "Boss Hog Saves Christmas" and
"Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as
Bubba Claus and dozens of state police cars crashing
into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you,
I'd make sure the wife and the kids turn the other
way when he bends over to put presents under the
tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been
sung about me like "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"
and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town."
This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on
all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song
titles will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the
Jukebox"; Cletus T. Judd's "All I Want for Christmas
Is My Woman and a Six Pack", and Johnny Paycheck's "If
You Don't Like Bubba Claus, Shove It."
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus, (Member) North American
Fairies and Elves Local #209
Holiday Stress Diet
The following diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that
builds up during the holidays.
Breakfast:
½ grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
8 oz. skim milk
Lunch:
4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed spinach
1 cup herb tea
1 Oreo cookie
Mid-Afternoon snack:
The rest of Oreos in the package
2 pints Rocky Road ice cream nuts, cherries and whipped cream 1
jar hot fudge sauce
Dinner:
2 loaves garlic bread
4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke
1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza
3 Snickers bars
Late Evening News:
Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)
RULES FOR THIS DIET:
1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no
calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in
the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you
do not eat more than they do.
4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot
chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look
thinner.
6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because
they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's
personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior
Mints, Red Hots and Tootsie Rolls.
7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking
causes calorie leakage.
8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you
are in the process of preparing something.
9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of
calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and
mashed potatoes.
10. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for
any other food color.
11. Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This due
to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.
12. Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories
since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and
will cling to his/her plate. (We ALL know how calories like to cling!)
REMEMBER: STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS DESSERTS
