330 replies to this topic

[WileEDiver]

I'm not trying to get men on the defensive, but the truth is that more men seem to behave this way than women;

I'm not being defensive here, I just don't agree with you. Just because we don't talk about it as much (now there's an invitation for a tangent or hijacking if I ever heard one), it may seem more one sided.

Another thought, since guys still make the first move most of the time (the asking out), if they decided things aren't going well, they may appear to be more fickle (or worse) since they "stated their interest" first and then didn't keep it up.

[Tolly]

Tolly, you make excellent points, but it's a coward's way out and is not a way that is respectful of the woman's feelings.

Well, I answered her question:

My question to the men: why is it so hard to be honest and upfront with a woman if you're just not that interested in pursuing or continuing a relationship with her?

a request for reasons as to why.

At no point did I condone the behavior, I simply provided reasons....

The real truth of the matter is relationships tend to become a battle zone with each person trying to get their needs fulfilled and too often one or both parties forget there is another persons feelings involved.

[Walter]

annasea,

I agree it's disrespectful and no one should do it. I know men do it and it's wrong. I also know women do it as well and it's just as wrong when they do it. I don't know if men or women do it more and frankly, I don't think it matters. We should all simply grow up, face our responsibilities and stop being cowards.

[hnladue]

Personally, I think men don't do it (tell how they really feel) because they don't want to give up the sex. Why should he break up with her when he can just keep her around for the sex?? Just about all of the male friends I know have done this. And it's probably why I haven't had a date in 5 years. Not going to be pulled thru THAT again!

[cmt489]

Even though I am a woman (at least the last time I checked...), I would like to turn this around and ask a question of the women out there - why is it that many women insist upon continuing to keep a relationship going with a guy when it is clear that he is not interested or not on the same wave length as they are?

This has always confused me since I am one to not linger where I am not wanted. I have seen friends do it and have heard about it from many of my male friends. I have to admit that I have been told that I am much more "male" in my behaviour than most women, so I am very good at cutting my losses and moving on. I also have to admit to the evasive behaviour as a hint to guys to let them know that I am not interested in taking things further. Of course, if the hint is not taken, the old "We have to talk" line has been known to be engaged in the past.

Inquiring minds want to know!

[steelemagnolia6]

Also a very good point. It does seem that there are lots of women that won't take the hint. Sometime that hint needs to be explained in clear uncertain words....

[annasea]

Well, according to the woman author, a possible reason for not cutting one's losses and moving on right away is:

"We go out with someone, we get excited about them, and then they do something that mildly disappoints us. Then they keep doing a lot more things that disappoint us. Then we go into hyper-excuse mode for weeks or possibly months, because the last thing we want to think is that this great man that we are so excited abaout is in the process of turning into a creep. We try to come up with some explanation for why they're behaving that way, any explanation, no matter how ridiculous, than the one explanation that's the truth: He's just not that into me."

I agree to some extent. I don't mind being told by a guy that he's no longer interested; it's a bitter pill of course, but much more respectful than being ignored or emailed only when he seems to have nothing else to do. When there's no closure, THAT's when I get annoyed.

And also, to address the first half of the quote, I wholeheartedly believe it. Who wants to think that they've wasted time getting excited about such a dud? Nobody wants to believe that they've misjudged another so wrongly. All about the ego in some ways . . .

[randy54]

I'll be the first to admit that women can certainly be vicious when breaking it off with a man. It seems that some gals are driven by something inside them to destroy the man that they are dumping.

Even though I am a woman (at least the last time I checked...), I would like to turn this around and ask a question of the women out there - why is it that many women insist upon continuing to keep a relationship going with a guy when it is clear that he is not interested or not on the same wave length as they are?

Your answering your own question.

The one word answer for men having a hard time saying "goodbye, it's been... well an experience" is FEAR.

[ShamuLovesMe]

This is an interesting topic, as I've been in this situation recently. I dated a girl for about a month (a fellow diver, the first! but conditions here were never good enough for us to go diving together). I liked her, we had a lot in common, but when I got to know her better, it was clear she wasn't "the one," i.e. someone I could see myself being with long-term, perhaps marrying, etc. She would have been a fun and nice person to "hang out" with for awhile, but that's not what I'm looking for -- and it would have been disrespectful to her for me to, in effect, lead her on knowing I didn't see anything long term with her.

Having said all that, it was very hard to bring this subject up with her and have "the talk." It took me more than a week to bring myself to do it. I knew she would be hurt, and I knew it would be difficult to express my feelings; there was nothing wrong with her, nothing wrong with us, I just didn't feel like she was "the one." I felt it best to cut our losses early, instead of waiting a few months, when she/we would have been much more invested emotionally. From my perspective, it's just hard to tell someone that, knowing you're going to hurt them. But my unhealthy way of dealing with that in the past was just to stay in an unhealthy relationship instead of ending it (a lesson I've learned from). (The practice of simply "fading away," not calling, etc. I just don't understand.)

So that's my explanation: I think some guys just find it too difficult to be up front with a woman because they're afraid of hurting them. By fading away, they still hurt them, but I guess for those guys it's easier if they don't see it. (Which, again, I don't understand, but some guys are just that way I guess.)

[cmt489]

I'll be the first to admit that women can certainly be vicious when breaking it off with a man. It seems that some gals are driven by something inside them to destroy the man that they are dumping.

Even though I am a woman (at least the last time I checked...), I would like to turn this around and ask a question of the women out there - why is it that many women insist upon continuing to keep a relationship going with a guy when it is clear that he is not interested or not on the same wave length as they are?

Your answering your own question.

The one word answer for men having a hard time saying "goodbye, it's been... well an experience" is FEAR.

Except the previous statement was not posted by me.....

[Maria]

This is a very difficult situation since you don't want to hurt anybody's feelings. My best friend told me she doesn't like to tell guys she is not interested. Instead, she turns into a b*tch until she gets dumped.

I can definitely tell a guy I'm not interested anymore. The problem is when the guy just refuses to give up. As an old episode of Coupling said, you end up with an "unflushable". Those people who refuse to give up on a relationship and they are very difficult to get rid of, no matter how many times you tell them you are not interested or how mean you are to them.

I have also been involved in relationships where I feel that the guy is "not that into me". The funny thing is that when I walk away, they seem to get into me and start pursuing me even more. The problem is that by this time, I am the one who is not into them anymore...

I think being honest without being mean is the way to go.

:anna:

[annasea]

I liked her, we had a lot in common, but when I got to know her better, it was clear she wasn't "the one," i.e. someone I could see myself being with long-term, perhaps marrying, etc. She would have been a fun and nice person to "hang out" with for awhile, but that's not what I'm looking for -- and it would have been disrespectful to her for me to, in effect, lead her on knowing I didn't see anything long term with her.

So that's my explanation: I think some guys just find it too difficult to be up front with a woman because they're afraid of hurting them. By fading away, they still hurt them, but I guess for those guys it's easier if they don't see it. (Which, again, I don't understand, but some guys are just that way I guess.)

You raise some interesting points here. I'm curious, if you liked her enough to hang out with, couldn't you continue the relationship as a friendship?

Also, it's appreciated that you realize women are still hurt when men disappear, whether they see it or not. I guess 'out of sight, out of mind' applies here, but that makes a lot of men (and women!) rather shallow, in addition to being cowardly. I'm glad I've found some that aren't!

[steelemagnolia6]

it is extremely hard sometimes to continue a friendship with someone that you were in a relationship with.

By the way Randy I am the one that said some women go in to that destroy mode, so that is a rather unfair statement you made about someone answering their own question when neither cmt or myself started this thread....

[ShamuLovesMe]

I'm curious, if you liked her enough to hang out with, couldn't you continue the relationship as a friendship?

She didn't want to remain friends, unfortunately. I am still friends with my two previous girlfriends, though, one of whom was a very long-term (6-year) relationship.

[Hipshot]

There's one answer that I haven't seen yet, although I think a few folks hinted at it. It could be that the other person is waiting for the right time...a time when it won't seem too awkward or painful, or both. I say person, because it may apply to men and women.

Rick


Lady Astor: If you were my husband, I'd put poison in your tea.
Winston Churchill: If I were your husband, I’d drink it!