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Happy St' Patricks Day


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6 replies to this topic

#1 Dejah

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Posted 17 March 2004 - 03:13 PM

Happy St. Patricks Day All, and here's a little st.patricks day humor for ya'll


Paddy -the famous Irishman- is driving home after downing a few at the local pub. He turns a corner and much to his horror he sees a tree in the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid it and almost too late realizes that there is yet another tree directly in his path..He swerves again and discovers that his drive home has turned into a slalom course, causing him to veer from side to side to avoid all the trees.

Moments later he hears the sound of a police siren and bring his car to a stop. The officer approaches Paddy's car and asks him what on earth he was doing. Paddy tells his story of the trees in the road when the officer stops him mid sentence and says, "fer chris sakes, Paddy, that's yer air freshener!"


:D

#2 zendiver

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Posted 17 March 2004 - 03:35 PM

Happy St Paddy's day to you too Dejah...thanks for the humor. I needed that today. :D
[color=blue]Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body;
But rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming--"WOW--What a ride!"

#3 WreckWench

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Posted 17 March 2004 - 05:08 PM

Doh!!! I forgot to post my Irish Funnies...here they are:

**********************************************************

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over
by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and
bruised and he's walking with a limp.


"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.


"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.


"That little @!&%, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he
must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin'
he gave me with it."


"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have
something in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it
was, but useless in a fight."


===============================================


An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the
city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the
road.

A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"

Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this
evening."

I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across
his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone
deaf."

=========================================


Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives
at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin'to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.

But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. "There was an accident down
at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me.."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. "Did he at least go
quickly?"

"Well, no Brenda... no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

=========================================


Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and
she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last
night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any
last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father..

"The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?

"She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

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#4 WisconsinGal

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Posted 17 March 2004 - 05:21 PM

Happy St. Pat's Day to you all too!

Love the Humor.. Thanks for sharing :D

#5 Walter

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Posted 17 March 2004 - 05:38 PM

Is it my turn?
******************
Pat dies and as is usual, the body is laid out in the kitchen for the wake. At some point during the evening, there develops a shortage of chairs. So Mike and Peter take Pat off the chairs that he is laid out on in the kitchen, stand him up against the wall, and take the chairs back into the living room. About an hour later the good Father shows up to offer his respects, walks into the kitchen and sees Pat propped against the cupboard. The priest is understandably a bit upset by this lack of respect and goes into the living room and shouts "Alright lads, give me three chairs for the corpse". To a man, they stand, glasses in hand and shout "HIP HIP HOORAY,,,HIP HIP HOORAY,,HIP HIP HOORAY"

***********************

Two Englishmen buy a brand new Jaguar xk-8 and are just dying to let the big cat run.

Unfortunately every time they try, there is traffic on the crowded roads through the English country-side. So, having heard there are some very long, very straight roads through the fields of Ireland, they take the ferry across and go looking for just such a road. Finally they find a long stretch of road with no one in sight and let this big jag take off. They have just hit about 160 mph (260 kph) when Pat and Mike come out onto the road in a horse drawn hay wagon. The Brit behind the wheel points the car through the ditch into a field. The car careens off the edge of the ditch, turning over several times in mid air, bouncing through the field with pieces breaking off at every bounce, and finally lands upside down in the field and bursts into flames. Mike looks at Pat and says "Jesus Mary and Joseph, we just got out of that field in time"....

************************

An Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer were sitting together on a carriage in a train. Suddenly, the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriage and it went completely dark.

Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap.

When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as if he had been slapped.

The Englishman was thinking: 'The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.'

Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it.'

And the Irishman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that English bastard again.'

********************

An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints.

The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint. The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow. The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya little bastard! Spit it out!"
No single raindrop believes it is responsible for the flood.

DSSW,

WWW™

#6 WreckWench

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Posted 17 March 2004 - 11:20 PM

Another one....


Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them; they could only raise the staggering sum of 50 pence. Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher shop and came out with a large sausage.

Shamus said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all."

Murphy replied "Don't worry - just follow me." He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!"

Murphy replied with a smile, "Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!" and they downed their drinks.

Murphy said "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you get on your knees and put it in your mouth."

Said and done, the barman noticed them, went berserk and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said, "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!"

Murphy said "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub."

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#7 Dejah

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Posted 18 March 2004 - 09:35 AM

Ok, even though I'm a day late on this one and I love everyone's jokes I have to throw one last joke out here to give everyone a good chuckle for the week. I hope everyone had a safe and cheerful St.Patricks Day



Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, "Top o'the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan didn't I marry ye and yer husband 2 years ago?"

She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father." The Father asked, "And be there any wee ones yet?"

She replied, "No, not yet, Father."

The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer husband."

She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father."

They parted ways. Some years later they met again. The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?"

She replied, "Oh, very well, Father!"

The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?"

She replied, "Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!"

The Father said, "That's wonderful! How is yer loving husband doing?"

She replied, "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer blooming candle."

Edited by Dejah, 18 March 2004 - 09:36 AM.





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