47 replies to this topic

[Blackhawk]

Ok I have a new hot co-worker (Highered on this week). We've been flirting back and forth and today got on the topic of jealousy (which I absoulety dispise). Anyway during this discussion the fact that my roommate is female came up. We're Just friend meaning it's purely 'professional' I pay my rent at the end of every month and sleep in her spare bedroom. She is a GREAT friend of mine. We hang out and now have the same inner circle of friends. And neither of us have any encilnation to sleep together.

Once this came out the co-worker got shotty. Said she'd never date a guy with a female roommate because she'd be to jealous. After all, "*They* say men and women can not be just friends". Although she couldn't be more specific on who *they* are

Would you be jealous if the person you dated lived with the opposite sex?
and the ulitmate question Can a male and female be Just friends?

[JackBSwift]

you know, I learned never to dip your pen in the company inkpot... Thats my one piece of advice.

About your problem, I think women and men can be just friends, but since you are guy, you know what goes on up there in our heads. "Maybe one day, we'll hook up just to get the tension out of the way". I think both sexes will generally have issues if their partner has an opposite sex roommate.

However, if you meet a girl, she should definitely hang around you guys so that she can see that it is totally platonic.

....my two cents

[AliKat]

Yea, I think men and women can be just friends. And even they can't, they can be just roommates - after all even some same sex roommates aren't necessarily friends. They may get along OK and are able to share housing, but they may not "hang out" together or have much in common beyond sharing expenses.

And, yes, I would date a guy who had a female roommate. In fact, I have in the past. Hey, if he's living with a female, maybe he's picking some good house keeping habits - not that all women are good house keepers and all men are bad, but in general terms...

[Lubold8431]

I would really like to say that men and women can be just friends. However, there can be tension, and some people just have to push it into something more.

I do think that its sketchy that a man and a woman are roommates. Eventually, there will be jealousy on someones part (one or the other roommate or their partners), which could destroy a relationship. I also think that there will always be hidden or unhidden sexual tension there (whether or not you admit it) on someone's part. I wouldnt want to date a female who has a male roommate. That would be sketchy to me. I dont know how that would work...

[Got_Air?Will_Dive]

I would be fine with rooming with a man, friendly or not, but only if he is not attracted to me in the least. I just don't think a man who claims to be attracted to another woman can be friends.

I personally have never been able to keep male friends except when they were involved with girlfriends; those girlfriends I did know were somewhat jealous of my friendships with them or maybe because they could be attracted to me and I posed a threat. Actually, in two separate instances when my male friends were no longer with their girlfriends and I got to see them more often, they decided to hit on me, upon which the friendships dissolved because I was never attracted to them in the first place nor during the friendship, nor after they were newly single. Things got too complicated and the friendships were tainted and couldn't go back to being good again.

While I feel friendship is a good base for a potential relationship, dating from your current pool of friends isn't the way to go, nor is hooking up with your roommate or co-worker, if you want to keep these relationships good and intact.

[Terri]

I've had several male roommates in the past and I actually got along better with them than with female roommates. Like your situation, it was completely platonic - no sexual tension or anything like that. (At least not for me!)

Yes, I would date a guy who had a female roommate - I like the fact that they can be around another female all the time and NOT have a sexual relationship. To me, it's a sign of trustworthiness!

[cmt489]

When I recently decided to take in a roommate (which I swore I would never do again) mostly men responded to my ad (they seem to be willing to spend more to rent a furnished room). After vetting, the best fit was my now wonderful roommate who is male. My BF has no issues with this at all just as I would have no issues with him having a female roommate.

[WreckWench]

There is an old saying...he who distrusts is likely to be untrustworthy themselves. I think this is true. If YOU couldn't be faithful to an SO because you had an opposite sex roommate, then you will believe that others can't do it as well.

I know that some people will say well I used to trust but due to being let down or victimized I can no longer. Actually that is not true. I've been let down many times...but I will still trust someone until proven unworthy. However my guard is naturally up and so I will certainly quiz that person more than I did in the past or perhaps watch for other signs that might indicate they would betray me too. If however I dont' find them, and I have clearly explained the matter to the person involved, I would proceed to trust them. But alas I digress....

Now to adcress the actual question...yes I think that men and women can be 'roommates' only. But each person needs to be mature...(how old is the hottie in question???) and each party needs to conduct themselves in a respectable and appropriate manner. If you are or come off as being 'fast', 'sexually outgoing or permissive' or 'sexually liberal' then you are simply making it harder on yourself to convince others that these motives/motivations are not at play in your roommate situation. If you conduct yourself in such a way as to clearly respect all people but especially a member of the opposite sex than it is more likely you'll be able to have an platonic only roommate scenario and others will trust you as well.

Great question and great feedback!

[drbill]

I completely understand what you are talking about. I rent a room to a woman who is "just" a friend. We dated 20 years ago, but there has been nothing between us other than nice words since then. We are comfortable as housemates and neither of us have any inntention of hopping into the other's bed (even though she's an attractive woman with lots of potential suitors and I'm a Catalina stud muffin!).

Several women have said they would not date me unless I got "rid" of my housemate. OK, so I grew up in Chicago and went to school with a few members of "the family." However, I have no intention of rubbing her out. Housing is too difficult an issue here on Catalina to ask her to move out for such shallow (IMHO) reasons.

I think it boils down to a lack of trust on the part of the potential dates. They will not accept my word (or my housemates) that there is no hanky panky going on. I'd rather not date these women knowing that, since I think they exhibit very early evidence of unwarranted jealousy and insecurity.

I would think that knowing I can live with a woman without attempting to bed her should give my potential dates reason to believe that sex isn't the only thing I'm interested in (I also enjoy "munching" in addition to mating).

There have been a few potential dates who have come to the house and stayed with me (on the couch... first dates) who have become friends with Iris, but not lovers of mine. Sigh.

[Dennis]

I have many women friends. I actually believe I have more women friends than men friends. Is Donna jealous? Not hardly. As a matter of true fact, Donna is an Engineer. Since most Engineers are men, she has a lot of men friends. Am I jealous? Not hardly. We trust each other completely.

I actually think it is more natural to have friends of the opposite sex. I like women. Why shouldn't I have women friends?

[Basslet]

She obviously is pretty insecure.

[Blackhawk]

I think it boils down to a lack of trust on the part of the potential dates. They will not accept my word (or my housemates) that there is no hanky panky going on. I'd rather not date these women knowing that, since I think they exhibit very early evidence of unwarranted jealousy and insecurity.

I concur. I'm not hiding my roommate from the girl or viceversa so why wouldn't you trust me? I brought it up because she is not the first person to wig out about this.

I've had one who was fine with it until she came over a BBQ and saw Chris and I doing our thing. At the end we were both cleaning up. Making sure the dishes were loaded and everything was clean. We have a small kitchen and have pretty much perfected not stepping on the other ones toes. So Tati was sitting in the dining room talking to us while we were cleaning. Never getting in each others way... She had some problem with it. I just don't get it... Oh well I'll never understand jealousy.

[drbill]

Like Dennis, I have more female than male friends. The ones I have chosen are more interesting to talk to than many men. I have little interest in sports (other than diving!), business or big hooters (well, I'm actually "softening" on that as well as blondes). For some men, that doesn't leave much to talk about. Of course I have plenty of male friends too... mostly divers.

Women in general provide a different perspective on life that I enjoy. Of course the ones that want to talk about shopping, how much money I make, what car I drive, etc. are of little interest (and this IS southern California, LALA Land). But there are plenty of intelligent (and therefore attractive) women I can talk with about our different perceptions. Sigh, and more than a few that I'd love to have as "more" than friends... but I'd rather keep them that way than lose them by trying to push a romantic relationship they aren't interested in.

Edited by drbill, 11 May 2006 - 11:29 AM.

[Brinybay]

Yes, men and women can be friends. My most recent ex-roommate, a female, and I are good friends, and her two best friends (women) are a hoot. I would never consider being anything more, but would be broken-hearted if we couldn't be friends because I like her dog. When she sold her house and moved in with her boyfriend, I told him flat out that I didn't care if he took her, but I would fight him for the dog!!

[Orlando Eric]

I have experienced this same sort of problem. In my twenties I had many female friends and we would go to the movies and to Bennigan's for desserts (DBC). There were times when they would get a BF and it would be wierd so they would exit the friend circle for awhile then they'd break up down the road and be back into the movie dessert circle.

Now in my thirties I have diving friends who are female. Mostly there has been little issue but in one case there was a hum dinger. I am Very Particular in the woman I "Date" and my diving buddies are not my dating preference. (unfortunatley). In this one instance I have a dive buddy and we dive with the same attitude and skill level. I have ZERO interest in dating her, Actually we start to fight at about the 11th hour around each other... but that is the good thing about friends.. you can just leave. People will think what they want and I have found that.. "You can not reason out of a man what was not reasoned into him to begin with."

I continue to search for a Dive Buddy / Dateable damsel without drama issues....