In a serious quandry

I am weighing an offer of marriage.

Unfortunately he is broke, has been for 20 years and is likely to stay that way. I am not sure if I would end up lifting him up, or he would end up dragging me down.

I should be happy, as no one has ever wanted to marry me before (perhaps no one else ever will), but instead I am frustrated and angry. A part of me is thinking: "Is the best I can do?"

Am I being ungrateful here?

Backstory:
We were together 20 years ago when I was an undergraduate student. He asked me to marry him then, but I didn't think he was serious. Apparently he was, and still is.

FWIW I don't think he is looking at me as a security blanket. He just seems to be content to live in squalour, and makes no effort to lift himself up. He is a marginally employed and makes just enough to get by. In a good sense he is very generous, and gives away anything he has above bare minimum. But on the other hand he is a bit if a drifter. And he also "takes in" questionable people (ex-cons, addicts,etc.) who often take advantage of him. When we were together 20 years ago, he took in this creepy old Greek man, and it utterly *poisoned* the time we had together. Of course, if we were to get together now, it would be in *my* house and I would not stand for such a thing, but still...

I have worked hard to finish school, pay off student loans and most of a house. Now that I can afford to travel, I want someone to share that with. With him I fear that all we would share is a day to day struggle to just get by. Been there, done that, don't want to go back! (Hell, I fear losing my job even when things are going well at work! watching the way he lives exacerbates those fears.)

Not asking for advice, just trying to sort out feelings. Ugh!

Sorry for the drama LOL

Teresa - I have watched you work so hard for quite a few years to get to where you are today. Give this one a lot of time and thought. You can still enjoy his company without marriage.

Teresa - I have watched you work so hard for quite a few years to get to where you are today. Give this one a lot of time and thought. You can still enjoy his company without marriage.

What she said - pretty much verbatim.

Teresa - I have watched you work so hard for quite a few years to get to where you are today. Give this one a lot of time and thought. You can still enjoy his company without marriage.

Actually, no I can't. He is in Franklin TN and I am in Houston. I am NOT doing the long distance relationship thing again. Not after Emir.

I'm not sure we've ever met but I am sure you know the answer. You said it in your post. Don't "settle". When it's right it will be right. Enjoy life and the life you've created for yourself.

Teresa the courting stage is the 'best it gets' when its all said and done. So if everything is great now or better than great...then you have room for things to slide as they 'get comfortable and you each move from best behavior to normal behavior'. If things are not the way you are comfortable living with forever...then take time and reconsider.

Women marry to 'improve him...aka change him' and men marry hoping 'she never changes'.

I suspect you need someone who is equally intelligent, equally hard working, equally kind and caring, and equally motivated.

A wise friend once told me...'its better to be single and moderately happy then married and miserable'.

A few words from someone else you have never met........ I agree with all of the above responses. WHY SETTLE? It seems as if you are a very intelligent and successful woman. If he leads the life of a drifter now, it is extremely unlikely that he will alter his approach to life after you marry. He either does not have the ability to be successful, or completely lacks that desire to be. That will most likely leave you supporting him to a large degree, even if you intent not to. He is presently comfortable without many things that you probably consider every day basics. You will not be happy dropping down to his level, so the logical result is that you will be supporting him up to your level. That is fine if you love him, are happy to do that for him, and understand that that is the most likely scenario. Any questions or doubts on any of that, and you will gradually turn to resenting the constraints that he is saddling your way of life with. As Kamala said, the courting stage is " as good as it gets " . If there are questions and doubts now, ...............



Ed

Seeking counsel is wise. But if you really have to ask..... I think you know the answer.

Seeking counsel is wise. But if you really have to ask..... I think you know the answer.

WELL SAID!

This decision is fraught with so many emotions so counsel is perhaps a good idea...and of course this forum is a type of counsel in itself.

After the novelty and the joy of 'being asked' has worn off...if you EVER feel as if he has not lived up to his potential...does not contribute enough to the relationship...does not pull his fair share...feel bad you carry more of the load...then he will simply say to you... "You know who I was...how I was...I made no pretense...I did not lead you on". In other words...'what you see is what you get'. If that's not all you want.... stay friends and remain open for bigger and better things.

ALSO...key point here...now is a great time to become the person you are destined to be. You've come so far... your Phd, your amazing health transformation, learning a musical instrument, .... now finish the process...be happy with who you are...and equally minded people will be attracted to you! Hugs, kamala

Seeking counsel is wise. But if you really have to ask..... I think you know the answer.

Not asking for advice, just trying to sort out feelings.

You don't know me either but I would have to say "do not Settle". I've come close to doing that several times and am so glad that I elected to move on. As was said "being single and well is a lot better than being married and miserable".

Dave

You don't know me either but I would have to say "do not Settle". I've come close to doing that several times and am so glad that I elected to move on. As was said "being single and well is a lot better than being married and miserable".

Dave

The fact that I had to ask "Is this the best I can do?" pretty much answered the question for me.

I told him that I could not be with him as long as he continued to live like that, and that I would not be the one to pull him out of his squalid life. He would have to do that himself, and even if he were to get his life together and come back to me with a ring and a proper proposal, that would be no guarantee that I would accept. At this point I don't think I ever would,

I still wonder though if this is the best I can do. Dear God I hope that I can do better than this...

I'm glad you figured it out!! You will know when it's right

Hi Teresa -- I'm a brand-new member and we'e never met, and I mostly just wanted to add my moral support to all the great insights the others have shared.

I recently ended a long relationship/cohabitation with a guy who shared some of the characteristics of your suitor, and it sucked a lot out of me both financially and emotionally. The longer I stayed in it, the worse I felt about myself and the worse I treated myself. I've faced a lot of challenges in my life, and most of it I wouldn't change because it's been formative. But I have to say that if given a chance at a do-over, I would have declined a second date with this man.

Being single is scary in some ways, and not always fun. But Dave L hit it on the head above -- better to be well and single than married and miserable. I really do believe that when we do our best in life and make sure we put ourselves out in the world, the right people will come into our lives at the right time.

In the meantime, we surround ourselves with awesome folks who do awesome stuff like scuba diving, and enjoy both our solitude and our friendships to the max.

Looking forward to meeting you at some point on a trip!

Take good care, Kate

Tereasa you have ALREADY DONE BETTER but staying the status quo. Its already GOOD!!! You are just looking for better...relax and it will all fall into place however its meant to be and when its meant to be!

p.s. and NEVER settle...if you do you will wake up one day and truly realize how good you had it BEFORE you settled! Just skip the *school of hard knocks* on this one and rejoice in your life NOW!!!