In a serious quandry

Thanks for the great insight Kate... way to jump in and splash around.

I recently ended a long relationship/cohabitation with a guy who shared some of the characteristics of your suitor, and it sucked a lot out of me both financially and emotionally. The longer I stayed in it, the worse I felt about myself and the worse I treated myself. I've faced a lot of challenges in my life, and most of it I wouldn't change because it's been formative. But I have to say that if given a chance at a do-over, I would have declined a second date with this man.

I had often wondered what my life may have been like of I had married him 20 years ago. Would we have lasted this long together? And what would it have been like? Your post helped me to dispel a lot of "what if" thinking on this. Seeing him over the Holidays also helped me to sort out my feelings for him. While I am concerned for his well being, I do not have any feelings beyond that. The bottom line is that I considered the idea of being married to him and it did not make me happy, then or now.

As for counsel, I have that already, in the form of a professional. This forum is not a substitute for that. But talking with other friends who may have been there does help. Thanks Kate

Edited by Mermaid Lady, 01 February 2014 - 12:50 PM.

Ya know...there isn't a day that goes by that EVERYONE doesn't need professional counsel in some, shape. manner or form...the trick is being able to afford it. That is when friends and family or even forums like this either SUPPLEMENT or SUBSTITUTE depending on the situation. And that's ok too!

You were wise (and you always are) to seek professional help but also VERY WISE to seek the "Been there done that" perspective as well! I'm so glad it all helped REGARDLESS of the decision you made! HUGS!!!

As for counsel, I have that already, in the form of a professional. This forum is not a substitute for that. But talking with other friends who may have been there does help. Thanks Kate

I too have been in a similar situation...heck I didn't get married until 5 years ago so spent all my life looking for the right one. And I too had a chance to revisit a decision that initially was not right for me and then subsequently was not perfect the 2nd time around. Could I have made it work? Maybe but then I may of had to give too much of myself in the process and ultimately compromised or settled in the process. The beauty is that each of these situations affirms your real value and THAT has a tendency for you to become smarter about 'assessing the goods and yourself' the next time around. Its like that movie where the guy is all but brain dead but they wire his thoughts to a program that lets him go back in time for 8 minutes to find a bomber. Each time he goes back he gets to replay the entire situation and each time he quickly implements what worked from the last time and what did not. By the 6th or 7th try he not only flies thru what he needs to do but he saves the lives of the people on the train AND saves the city from being bombed AND he gets the girl AND he does not die!

Its the same for us...each time we go thru a relationship we learn about ourselves...where we can bend and where we can't. What's important to us and what is not. By doing so we learn about ourselves and we will eventually find the right person to begin the journey together with. And if we don't...then WE MUST TRUST THAT WE ARE WHERE WE NEED TO BE NO MATTER WHAT!!!

You can and will read MANY stories of people saying they wished they had 'not accepted a 2nd date' or wished they had not married the person they did and that it is would have been better to stay single then to go thru the mental, emotional and financial misery they went thru. So REJOICE IN YOUR DECISION AND ENJOY THE PROCESS WHEREVER IT MAY LEAD YOU!!!

People are ATTRACTED to what you project into the universe. If you are happy and settled...you will attract others that are happy and settled as well as those who desire to be around people who are happy and settled... in other words...those looking to 'date/marry up'. If you are worried, anxious and feel like you are missing something then you will not only attract people like that BUT YOU WILL ATTRACT PEOPLE WHO CAN EXPLOIT THOSE FEARS OR WORSE.... so use this time to make YOU the best you can be and the culmination of that is LOVING YOURSELF NO MATTER WHAT!!! No matter if you are single or if you are dating or if you are married or what your circumstances are. LOVE YOURSELF FIRST and then others have a blueprint to follow!!! You know the old saying...you can't like someone if they don't like themselves first... the same applies to LOVE!!!

In fact...its a great New Year's Resolution for ALL OF US!!! Love ourselves FIRST and then others will know how to do so accordingly. AND while we are waiting for the latter...we'll be having a HELLUVA A GREAT TIME IN THE PRESENT!!!

I had often wondered what my life may have been like of I had married him 20 years ago. Would we have lasted this long together? And what would it have been like? Your post helped me to dispel a lot of "what if" thinking on this. Seeing him over the Holidays also helped me to sort out my feelings for him. While I am concerned for his well being, I do not have any feelings beyond that. The bottom line is that I considered the idea of being married to him and it did not make me happy, then or now.

Teresa, I'm so glad sharing my experience helped you feel a bit better about this. It sounds like you have a lot of great stuff going on in your life and I hope you celebrate that, along with your choice to listen to your gut on this decision.

And oh boy, Kamala--did you ever hit it on the head with your post for where I am right now. I'm a firm believer in exactly what you said--the people we attract come into our lives based on where we're at inside. For many people, myself included, if we are told negative stories about ourselves from our earliest days, it's painfully easy to find people throughout our lives who'll confirm those stories--and many times we'll actively seek out the people who'll do that, because it's comfortable even though it's miserable. It takes a whole lot of fortitude and will to shed all of that like a snakeskin and choose to believe better about ourselves and to choose friends and partners who'll confirm *that*.

I don't know if any of that applies for you, Teresa--I certainly don't presume to know your story. I'm just increasingly aware of the work I continually need to do 'under the hood' to make sure I'm writing my own story and not just living out lies someone told me a long, long time ago. For me, that has started with making sure I do listen to my gut--a voice I shut down for an awfully long time. You are already there!

Edited by IcarusGirl, 02 February 2014 - 04:47 PM.

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to make sure I'm writing my own story and not just living out lies someone told me a long, long time ago.

Not to diminish any of the other points that you wrote, but, that line above is a wonderful piece of advice in itself.