16 replies to this topic

[WreckWench]

Promise me that you'll make the following promise to yourself... REACH OUT TO SOMEONE YOU LOVE AND TELL THEM. FORGIVE SOMEONE BEFORE ITS TOO LATE...ASK SOMEONE FOR A FAVOR IF YOU ARE IN NEED...DO SOMETHING FOR SOMEONE IMPORTANT TO YOU...

Time is funny...it flies by so fast and we never have enough of it. Other times it drags on forever and it seems like there is never a reason to rush...no need for urgency.

But that is not true. It is perishable and in a blink its gone or someone you love or care about. And then its too late to make a difference..if not for them then for yourself.

When my aunt was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer this past winter, after feeling fine her whole life, I realized that ANYONE could be next...anyone could be affected by tragedy. I know some of our members are suffering from tragedy as we speak and I so want to reach out to you all to help them carry the burden but they have requested me not to do so just yet. I also know that people derive the power to go on from the outpouring of friends and loved ones...so your prayers and good thoughts and meditations are as powerful for the one asking as they are for the one being requested of the blessing.

And I know the time to reach out to someone you need to reach out too is NOW!!! Honor those promises to spend time with people...follow thru on those promises to do things for someone you care about...reach out and try to reconnect...even if they do not accept you at first. And do the things you've been meaning to do for yourself as well.

My aunt was deathly poor due to the hardships of raising a severely brain damaged child. It altered her entire life as a result and when she was able to recover by working all day long every day...she continued to do so for fear it could happen again. In the process she never took a vacation in her adult life. She never traveled the world and she never got to do many of the things that others take for granted. She instead took care of a nearly 30 year old man who has the abilities of a child. She will probably not make it as the brain tumor is causing her to have seizures and she can hardly speak. They will probably send her home to make funeral arrangements and then to die. My cousin will most likely become a ward of the state if he does not commit suicide first. See when a grown adult with the brain capacity of a child in some areas has a tantrum it manifests itself in uncontrolled anger and only my aunt can control him. He does not respond to others. He can't...his brain won't let him. And when he is despondent he has the means and ability to end it all behind the wheel of a car or by other means. Currently only my aunt can reach him when he gets that way. When she goes he will not be far behind or will be a vegetable in a mental institution someplace. All she has done is try to take care of this child and give him as normal of a life as she could. And think of others...of all my aunts and relatives she remembers to send Christmas cards to everyone. She remembers birthdays...even to this day. She thinks of others first. I guess angels on earth are like that. I would not know...while I have my moments...I'm not that dialed in. Just too busy...too many things to do...to many demands trying to run a business etc etc etc.

Well that is just crap. It is an excuse to make me feel better because I don't and others actually do the things they should do and know they need to do. So I am finished making excuses. I am finished putting my family and friends last and myself well behind that. Going forward I will make time to be a better person. When I fail I will accept failure and try my best to not make excuses. Sure there will be extenuating circumstances but in the end...I'll place the blame where it really belongs and I'll accept responsibility for when I don't.

And I will reach out to those who are estranged in my life...and I will give people a second change and I will renew friendships and mend fences. And I will take my mother to Rome which I have promised her I would do since I went to Europe in college. Back then I had several chances to take her but while I had the money, I never had the time. Now I have the time but not the money. So I stole some money from the sale of my house and fibbed and said I was doing everything on miles so she would actually let me do it and I'm taking my mom and her best friend to Rome in October of THIS year. Not that it matters but the friend will pay her way although I did use miles to get them both first class/bus class seats to and back. And one has never flown first class..the other only once. And they are BOTH THRILLED like small children counting the days til Christmas. The joy of anticipation has made it worth it already. Heck its only miles and money...I'll earn more but I'll never duplicate this thrill in the lives of two people again. This is a lifelong dream for both. One is in her 70;s and the other in her 80's. That is a long time to wait for a lifelong dream to come true. And sadly my aunt's lifelong dreams will never come true. Yes it will be BETWEEN the two trips already scheduled for SingleDivers.com. And yes it is very foolish to be gone the entire month of October when I have so much work to do. And yes I'll probably lose clients because I'm not around or lose business but in the end...that will feel much better than justifying to myself why I never bit the bullet and just 'did it' when its too late. See my mother is older than my aunt. And my aunt's health has been perfect all her life. Yet she is dying of cancer...who knows how long my mother has?

Cancer has been growing in the body for 15-20 years when its first detected..and that is with accidental early detection. By the time you experience symptoms its usually too late. You are on the downward slide of the disease. One in five of us will have cancer. We ALL will be affected.

So promise me that you'll promise yourself to do the things you've been putting off where people you care about are concerned. Pick up a phone and call someone. Send them a letter telling them how much they mean to you or how much your love them. Do these things NOW before its too late. You don't have to buy a trip for someone....unless you've promised for 20 years to do it! But do the things you'll regret you didn't when you had the chance. Decide today to be different...to be a better person...to not have to live with so many regrets... Reach out to those you care about or should reach out too!

And if you feel so inclined...you can share your story here with me like I've done with you. Since these are very private things for many it won't be appropriate but for some the act of sharing will be the icing on the cake.

So lets have our proverbial cake and icing together... I can't wait to hear what flavor yours is! Kamsla


p.s. and please bear with me as I travel basically the entire month of October so I can make a dream come true for someone who has dedicated so much of their life to supporting me...even as an adult going thru my second childhood being a scuba bum.

And be an instrument of change...don't let a life be wasted...I'll use my aunt's as my motivator to be a better person!

[Dave W]

I quite agree. When I lived in Wyoming I had a next door neighbor who was some kind of engineer for an oil company, and it kept him traveling all over the world for weeks and months at a time. His wife raised their children alone, and she told me once she was used to it. I'm not sure I bought that, but hey, it was their life. On several occasions when he was home, Hank would tell me how much he was looking forward to retiring so he could finally spend some good time with his wife and enjoy life. A few months after that, he did in fact retire with some kick-butt benefits.

A month after that, his wife was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and died less than a year later. Needless to say, he was as shattered as anyone I've ever seen or heart of.

I confess, that scared the bejeebers out of me. I do NOT want something like that to happen. If I'm dirt poor the rest of my life, I'm going to enjoy my family, spend as much time with them as I possibly can, and build up a lifetime's worth of great memories that they can carry with them after I'm gone. Whatever it takes.

[duganalexzander]

Kamala... *hugs*. If there's anything you need, just let us know.

[TCdamsel]

reach out and try to reconnect...even if they do not accept you at first.

Kamala,

Bless you and thank you for opening your heart to us and sharing all that with us. You really touched me and reinforced what I have learned and keep reminding myself on a daily basis sometimes. After my father killed himself over a year ago, the aftermath threatened to destroy what I had left of my family. Sometimes love, forgiveness, and mutual respect are conscious decisions that I make on a daily basis to preserve those relationships that are so critical not only to my 14 year old son's life, but to my mental health as well.

Several weeks after my father's funeral, I received a handwritten noted from a childhood friend, whom I had grown up with. Our parents had been friends, and we had lost track over the last 15 or 20 years. Her note was the kindest, most incredible thing that happened to me in those months, and I will never forget how deeply it touched me. I have been meaning to write her and thank her for over a year now and I keep putting it off, always too busy, there always being something more pressing to do.

Kamala, I promise, I will write that note and mail it tomorrow.

Your trip will be incredible!!!

Ellen

[Jo Canuck]

Kamala

All my support...

I was talking on facebook with a high school girlfriend earlier this summer, the kind of friend you can pick up with after months or years of not talking and go right from where you left off. But it had been a long time since I had visited with her. I wonder if part of why I have let time slip away is that I knew she will always be there, I can call on her anytime. Here again we were saying "we should get together and do coffee sometime" and we never get around to actually doing anything together. All of a sudden, I felt a need to see her in person again. I grabbed my schedule and phoned here right then and there. What weekend are you free, I'm coming.

We scheduled to get together this past weekend. I flew to Edmonton, spent the best 3 days in a long time hugging, crying, shopping, laughing. But also feeling guilty for letting all those years go by without making time to be together. Those are years we wont get back. I am so happy that I took the time to make this trip and renew this friendship. And when I think about it, this was not an expensive weekend. It didn't take much planning to pull off. Why did I not do this years ago???? Because I just got too busy,?...no excuse.

Living every day like it reallly matters isn't an impossibility. We don't need to wait until something tragic happens to take time to slow down.

I am humbled by your aunt's story, thank you for sharing your thoughts. I am reminded again that life is very precious and I should not let a day go by without taking every opportunity to make it count.

Huggs

[globefish]

Kamala


Your words are heard. I will make a conscious effort to follow your example.
But I have something to say to you.

Girlfriend, don't be so hard on yourself. You are one of a very very short list of people that I admire.
You are already an example in that you follow your passion - something very few of us do.
You speak your mind and you speak the truth - also something very few people have the courage to do.
And on every scuba trip you manage to make time to visit an orphanage to bring joy and school supplies
to the children.

I am very sorry to hear of your aunt's health issues. It is indeed tragic and heart wrenching.

IMO you are making the right choice in taking your mother to Rome. Go for it and enjoy every last minute.

Hang in there.

See you in ROATAN!

Joanne aka globefish

[WreckWench]

Thank you all for sharing and for reconnecting with people in your lives. And thank you Joanne for the kind words. I said I had my moments but we all do. I just want to have more of them and I'm sure others do as well. And deep down inside I truly regret not seeing my Aunt and my cousin more and for choosing other things rather than family to be first in my life.

And this will probably be my last trip to Rome as well... not a lot of diving so it will be wonderful to go with two people I love and see it thru their eyes...eyes that shaped who I am in this world...eyes who see what I can still be. It will be very special!

[WreckWench]

I challenge everyone to reach out to someone they care about and reconnect...it will be powerful for you and if you make this connection before its too late...even more so.

Let's be selfish for just a moment and work on avoiding future regrets...

[WreckWench]

I took time yesterday to call people that my Aunt was saying lovely things about and share them with them since they could not be here to hear them. It made their day and in doing so...made mine. I will have plenty of time to catch up on work...but I may never have a chance to connect with my aunt or family so I am doing so now.

[scubajunkie6]

Kamala and I had been having private conversations and there is a members only posting about my situation, but it is time to post the info in this posting too.

My husband, Mark (aka BillyBobDiver) was complaining of stomach pains during a diving trip we took in Florida in July. A week later, on Aug 2, 2011, we thought he had ulcers and went for some tests. On August 5th, he was in surgery to have a 5cm tumor removed out of his brain. (A 5cm tumor is about the size of a racketball ball to give you an idea of the size). The doctors also discovered more tumors in his brain, in his lungs, his stomach, his liver, and in his bones. All over his body. The confirmation was malignant melanoma, despite him not having a single spot on the outside of his skin. On October 11, 2011, my dearest husband passed away and went to heaven. I was snuggling with him in bed until his last breath, telling him how much I loved him, and telling him how much I know he loved me.

During these short two months of illness, I bought a book called "Dying Well" by Dr. Ira Byock. It really helped me out. I had it on my e-reader, and was reading it right next to Mark in the hospital. Having it on ereader allowed me to not focus on the cover, and not explain it to others. The book is a collection of stories that this doctor has experienced in his work with hospice care. The concept is that you face the fact that death will happen, and then work your best to ensure a loving environment with dignity and care. Here is a great excerpt from the book:
"Through my years as a hospice doctor, I have learned that dying does not have to be agonizing. Physical suffering can always be alleviated. People need not die alone: many times the calm, caring presence of another can soothe a dying person's anguish. I think it is realistic to hope for a future in which nobody has to die alone and nobody has to die with his pain untreated. But comfort and companionship are not all there is. I have learned from my patients and their families a surprising truth about dying: this stage of life holds remarkable possibilities. Despite the arduous nature of the experience, when people are relatively comfortable and know that they are not going to be abandoned, they frequently find ways to strengthen bonds with people they love and to create profound meaning in their final passage." excerpted from
Dying Well: The Prospect for Growth at the End of Life
Ira Byock, M.D.

I found myself not even needing to read the whole book, but I did about a couple of days ago (...just to say that I did read it from cover to cover. I learned that the end of the book has a great Question & Answers section). I found myself understanding and LIVING the concept after just a couple of chapters. It also gave me an understanding that pain management and relations with doctors can be done, if any issues came up. It may take some work, but it's worthwhile!!! In our experiences, we had minor issues compared to other stories I've heard and read. Mark's pain was quite minimal....he only wanted Tylenol. I truly believe that becasue WE were at "peace," this reduced his pain/discomfort. We held hands all the time. He did great during the 2 full weeks of radiation to his brain. We discussed openly the situation with the oncologists. We made sure Mark was in a regular bed, and not a hospital one (despite hospice trying to convince me I had to have one and so much other equipment) . We had both a wheelchair and a walker, and covered EVERY hospice sticker with inspirational and funny messages. For example, on his wheelchair we put "catch me if you can!" or "I'm way ahead of you!", along with "We love Mark" messages EVERYWHERE.

Instead of focusing on Mark's death, I chose to focus on the times we had together, and to continue to have day to day discussions with my loving man. For our 7th wedding anniversary, I had the minister who married us renew our wedding vows. Friends and family made a steak dinner for us. I didn't have anything I needed forgiveness for (or vise versa), but during these 2 months was the time to address them. Mark's older brother visited and they didn't have the best of relations. In fact, there was a rule that you couldn't complain or bring up anything negative. Just enjoy the company of each other. Mark's younger brother and sister took off some vacation time, and it was incredibly loving. Mark's other sister didn't visit and when she (seldom) called Mark answered with "not particularly" when we saw her name show up in CallerID. Mark was at peace about it, therefore I was too.

I didn't want him to stay in a hospital or a nursing home. I was also afraid that my 13 year old son would have nightmares after Mark's death, if Mark died in our house, so we actually stayed at a 2 bedroom, 2 bath suite where breakfast was provided for us every day, maid service was available, and even having meals in their lobby made sure that we were around new people. I just treated the arrangement as Mark's retirement. Yes, I did dig into my savings account to pay for the house and the hotel, but I think staying at the hotel would have ended up being less expensive than a nursing home. It allowed us to talk about people and comment on things, and not be "stuck" in a hospital room. The hotel staff was amazing, and they knew most of what was going on. I told him about Mark's brain surgery and they saw him go through his physical changes. The hospice nurse was amazing and was also next to us when Mark passed away. While she didn't understand our method of "dying well" at first, she quickly embraced it and often reported to her entire team how things were going, and what improvements they can do in their business.

The best part is that Mark did "die well." It was beautiful, incredible, and amazing. I don't wish this experience upon anyone, but if you must go through it, then I wish you the same experience as I went through.

I could go on and on with stories, but I've talked your eyes off already. If any of you have any questions, feel free to ask and/or you can send me an email. Kamala's starting post was perfect. I didn't have the strength to post it at the time, as well as the fact the Mark wanted to keep everything within the immediate family. Now I feel like I can share more... I thank you for reading this post.

-Margaret

[WreckWench]

Margaret...I totally respect Mark's and your wishes. I just am very happy that you can find the courage and inner strength to share this amazing story of love and grace and beauty even in the saddest of times...so that NEITHER of you had any regrets. As you correctly realized...I wrote the first post with my aunt and your husband in mind...

Thank you for sharing.... Kamala

[uwfan]

Margaret thank you, I think I now have the strength to forgive one family member and try again with another. My prayers are with you.

[Greg@ihpil]

Margret,
A VERY touching story.Wish I knew of the book earlier this yr,when my Dad died.Good luck & strength .. in your future.

[WreckWench]

I think this would be an amazing book to read...especially ahead of the need....

Here is the Order Info!

[scubajunkie6]

Margaret thank you, I think I now have the strength to forgive one family member and try again with another. My prayers are with you.

I thank you. Your reply made my (long) post worth journaling for you and others. I hope you are able to reconnect. I know my family members can sometimes drive me crazy, but in the end (pun intended) they are family. I found out later that the older brother who visited us had lost his job. He typically complains about everything, so I know it was challenging to follow our rules of staying positive. And he got employed again a week afterwards, anyway.

Best wishes to you and your situations.

-M