Funny Dive Stories

So, our lovely Wench asked me to start a topic for funny dive stories (we hope to put them in the newsletter). If you have one, we'd love to hear it.

Remember these are dive stories for amusement, entertainment, and maybe even some education. We put them under the Lessons Learned forum since in a way they may very well be part of some lesson you learned as a result. But they do not have to be. They can just be purely for fun and entertainment.

Thank you for sharing.

I'll try to get the ball rolling.

Back on my first certification dive, I had an interesting lesson in buoyancy. I was about 5 feet tall and damn near 3 feet wide. At 210 pounds, I was a fat bastard who displaced a lot of water.

It was the first week in may, in skaneateles lake, and it was cold. So, I packed my considerable size into a borrowed 7mil wetsuit and waddled onto the boat. As we headed off to the dive sight, my father presented me with a new BC. It had integrated weight pockets and a corrugated inflater hose. I'd been using a weight belt prior to this, along with a push button inflater on the side of my old BC and a shoulder dump valve to keep me neutrally buoyant. So, lets add unfamiliar gear to restricted movement.

Needless to say, I was very excited to try my new toy out, so I rigged my gear, pulled it on, and double checked everything.

Now, in the warm water pool, I used 32 lbs of weight without a wetsuit; this got me negative with an aluminum 80. So, not thinking about the extra lift provided by my very bulky 7mm wetsuit I figured i'd be fine with 32 lbs. (or maybe it was 36 lbs, its been a number of years now).

I inflate my BC, my Instructor fills his drysuit, and dad..... well as any smart-ass 14 year old should, I reminded him to turn his air on before jumping in (during training he forgot that, sunk like a rock, and had to leave his scuba system on the bottom of the pool). So Dad goes in first, signs that he's ok, then I go. The first thing I notice, is how damn difficult it is to move in a 7 mil. After my instructor entered, the next thing I notice is that I can dump all my air, kick gently, and stay afloat. This was great I thought, I'm neutrally buoyant! I'm a natural!

So we go down to around 40 feet, swim around, and start doing basic drills like buddy breathing and emergency ascents. All go's well, By dragging dad up behind me, and then (for what ever reason) holding onto him when we dive back down I had no buoyancy problems, and I felt GREAT! I was young, smart, and I was a scuba diver. Yeah, I was on top of the world! No one could burst my bubble.... except the universe, which has an ever present, almost karmic sense of humor in my life.

I touch down on the bottom (its all silt and I felt like kneeling), let go of dad, and look at my instructor who sign's we did just fine.

At this point i'm through a good portion of my gas, and as anyone who's used an aluminum 80 knows, they become positively buoyant after most of the dive. So just to recap, I'm cocky, I've done everything right, I've made fun of my father, I can't move well, I'm untrained on my rig, I do not understand basic physics, I've upset the balance of the universe, and now I'm positively buoyant. We know where this is going.

I notice that I was starting to float, so I dump air from my BC, except even with an empty BC i'm still positive. Now, because I lacked basic physics, I thought that by putting weight higher on my body i'd be more negative (no idea why). So what do I do? I pull out both of my integrated weights and look for a place to put them higher on my body, like between my head and regulator.

This is when my instructor noticed I wasn't paying attention. So like any good instructor, he wants to know what the hell i'm doing, and why i'm doing it. In my haste to explain using hand signs, I drop both weights.

Now I'm cocky, I've made fun of my father, I can't move well, I'm untrained on my rig, I do not understand basic physics, I've upset the balance of the universe, I'm trying to save face in front of both my instructor and my father by correcting my problem without them knowing, I'm now 16 pounds positively buoyant, and I take off like a ballistic missile.

Next thing I know, i'm rocketing toward the surface accelerating faster and faster as what little air was in my BC more than doubles in size. All I remember is the look of horror on my instructor's face, and hearing my dad... laughing his ass off through his regulator.

Perhaps the boat's description of what happens next was best:

"I was looking around at all the bubbles, waiting for you three to finish up, when I see this HUGE black blob with a scuba tank flying out of the water like its on fire... Then I realized it was Will coming at me....ass first !"


I did survive unharmed, except for a severely bruised ego.

Could I have done things differently? Probably.
Did I make a series of bad decisions? Yep.
Did I have it coming? Oh hell yes.


I promise, my diving has seriously improved since then, as has my understanding of physics and buoyancy. I still make fun of my father, and the universe still makes fun of me.

I...
Now I'm cocky, I've made fun of my father, I can't move well, I'm untrained on my rig, I do not understand basic physics, I've upset the balance of the universe, I'm trying to save face in front of both my instructor and my father by correcting my problem without them knowing, I'm now 16 pounds positively buoyant, and I take off like a ballistic missile.

Next thing I know, i'm rocketing toward the surface accelerating faster and faster as what little air was in my BC more than doubles in size. All I remember is the look of horror on my instructor's face, and hearing my dad... laughing his ass off through his regulator.

Perhaps the boat's description of what happens next was best:

"I was looking around at all the bubbles, waiting for you three to finish up, when I see this HUGE black blob with a scuba tank flying out of the water like its on fire... Then I realized it was Will coming at me....ass first !"

...

Sweetie...that is BEYOND funny! I sure hope someone has something to compare with it...otherwise you have taken the prize...hook, line and almost sinker!

Glad you all approve.

I already told this story, so I'll link it for anyone who might have missed it but I know the Wench would want me to post it again so here goes.

Always think through the entire plan.


I already told this tale to my mother, so posting it on the internet for all to see is nothing now.

We have all heard the story about how "everyone" does their hundredth dive in the buff. Having been witness to several people's hundredth dive I knew that to be false but figured it might be rather entertaining to do it anyway.

My 100th happened to fall on a night dive at the Spanish Anchor dive site. It is rather aptly named because there is a large crack which has a large anchor lodged in the side of it. I figured the perfect picture would be me floating behind it, using the anchor to keep the image at pg13 levels or so. I carefully planned it out. I skipped wearing my normal T Shirt for the dive so all I would have to do is pull off my shorts and I would be free and clear.

I let Richard swim through first and while he was distracted filming a crab around the corner I plunked down in the sand and pulled my short off.... Until I got to my fins where they became rather firmly stuck. Realizing that my plan had gone astray I began to try to return my shorts to their proper place. Unfortunately, I had my flashlight on my wrist and it was doing its best to get in my way. And then Richard came back around the corner and shined his flashlight on me. (Affectionately renamed "The Hand of God".) Now I had to attempt to cover myself with one hand, recover my shorts, and put up with Richard laughing in hysterics for some reason. I was expecting more people to show up before I got my shorts fixed, but fortunately that did not happen. We have yet to see if Richard successfully show video of my struggles.

I was planning on writing a moral of the story, but it really doesn't seem necessary.

Great one Will!!

ThatJoeGuy, I had heard reference to the story but now I got the full monty, uh I mean story.

Those shouldn't be happy birthday smilies... where did my edit button go?

What should they be? I'll fix it for you!

And here I thought you were referring to your 'birthday suit'...

I was expecting more people to show up before I got my shorts fixed, but fortunately that did not happen. We have yet to see if Richard successfully show video of my struggles.

Yes I was one of the other parties diving nearby and apparently just missed it! Fond memories!

Hilarious!!!!!