the world is going on down there on the planet? What
happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I
started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden
plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand
drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the
long lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and
flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of
colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles.
ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The
Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds"
and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with
grass.
GOD: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colourful. It
doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and
sodworms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these
Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to
grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by
fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops
up in the lawn.
GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass
grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a
little, they cut it-- sometimes twice a week.
GOD: They cut it? Do they then bail it like hay?
ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up
and put it in bags.
GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell
it?
ST. FRANCIS: No, Sir. Just the opposite. They pay to throw
it away.
GOD: Now let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it
will grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to
throw it away?
ST. FRANCIS: Yes, Sir.
GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we
cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows
the growth and saves them a lot of work.
ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this Lord. When the
grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more
money to water it so they cancontinue to mow it and pay to get
rid of it.
GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees.
That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The
trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in
the summer. In the autumn leaves fall to the ground and form a
natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the
trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost
to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life.
ST. FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have
drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them
into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.
GOD: No fooling? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree
roots in the winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?
ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and
buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and
spread it around in place of the leaves.
GOD: And where do they get this mulch?
ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the
mulch.
GOD: Enough. I don't want to think about this anymore.
St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have
you scheduled for us tonight?
ST. CATHERINE: "Dumb and Dumber," Lord. It's a really stupid
movie about....
GOD: Never mind. I think I just heard the whole story from
St. Francis.
Cheers,
Rick
