15 replies to this topic

[BeachBunny]

I briefly dated this guy....nice guy (although he was not a diver, should have been a clue) and we got along great. What was the problem you ask? He seemed to take issue with my male friends. Being new to town I do not know many people and it seems the majority of friends I have made before moving are male. One of the great points my ex had was he accepted and loved my male friends...even my male roomie back in the day. My question is, why to people get insecure so easily? Maybe I just tend to be too black and white. For me, my male friends are the same as my female friends, just different plumbing! Oh, and they can carry really heavy stuff for me but that is just a bonus! I have tried to explain to people why you just don't date your friends...after all who else will bring you ice cream after a break up if you have dated all of your inner circle and it seems most do not get it. One of my male friends has tried to put everything in perspective for me. He told me that as comfortable as one may try to be in the back of your mind you are always thinking of the couple who has been married for 50 years, known each other from the time they were 4, grew up best friends and eventually gets married. Are we just wired to think men and women cannot be friends without sexual tension? What's the big deal anyway???

[Hipshot]

Just based on the info that you supplied, I would venture a guess that he was a bit nervous about your male friends because you hadn't been dating for a long time. His insecurity may have been based on that. The insecurity is not just a male phenomena; my ex-fiance was constantly jealous and insecure about my closeness to my family and my dive buddies, even though they fully accepted her.

The fact is, Christy, that you're a very attractive lady, and from what I can see on the board, you're very personable. Therefore, he may have felt that a lot of guys would like to have been in his place, and that some of them were trying to move in.

That said, he should have spoken with you about it, and expressed his concern that way.

Rick


Can't you feel 'em circlin', honey
Can't you feel 'em swimmin' around
You got fins to the left, fins to the right
--Jimmy Buffett

[Blackhawk]

Been there done that! I've had many problems like this.... especially the your roommate is a woman!?!? in fact just this weekend I met a friends parents
and they think I'm married to my roommate because we live together...

I hate jealousy and insecurity. The moment that stuff pops up I explain the situation if it's not good enough for them I ditch 'em. Simple as pie. If you can't trust me from the begining then you won't trust me in the end.

Some people refuse to believe men and women can be friends without having the sex agenda on their mind.

[Latitude Adjustment]

Historicly it doesn't work! My ex-wife always said I didn't need to worry about her male friends and I trusted her right up till she had an affair with one

[Basslet]

I have plenty of male friends. I'm with Blackhawk. If a guy can't deal with it, he's gonzo.

[Dennis]

When a person is insecure, they will be jealous of opposite sex friends. As you all know, I am married and have been for almost 28 years. Donna and I are both engineers. Guess what, with only about 3% of engineering students being female, Donna had a lot of male friends when we met. When we started dating 2 years later, I was never jealous of her friends, most of them were my friends, too. I had a lot of female friends. I still do. Those friendships have never gotten in the way of our relationship with each other. I trust her completely. She trusts me completely. If you are insecure and jealous, you may very well drive someone into having an affair. Trust is a tricky thing and it has to be mutual for a relationship to work.

[jextract]

Let me ask you this question: if a guy is that insecure about you, is he the kind of guy you'd want to be with anyway?

NEXT!

[drbill]

Insecurity is rampant and, unfortunately, there may be good reason... not in you, but perhaps a past relationship he has experienced. Have you tried talking to him to see if this is the case.

I've had women refuse to date me because I rent a room to a woman I dated 20 years ago but have had nothing other than friendship with for the last 18 years. We're like brother and sister.

With the other women it was good to learn of their insecurities before we actually started dating. I am a man of my word, and if a woman refuses to trust me without any evidence to the contrary, she is not a woman I want to be with anyway.

[BeachBunny]

All of you have made really good points! No, I have no interest in dating someone who feels threatened by my friends, male or female. No, I have no interest in dating someone who is insecure, petty, or jealous. I certainly have no interest in dating someone who is going to doubt me or my intentions but not be man enough to talk to me about it. Let's all face it....we have all had bad relationships where our trust has been violated in some form or fashion. Now that I think about it....I do know that his ex wife left him while he was serving overseas and married one of his closest friends. That had to hurt! I can see why this guy in particular would feel uncomfortable because of past experiences but I am not willing to be held accountable for the mistakes others have made against him. I would like to say he is the only person I have dated that had issues with my male friends but it is so not the case! The others have been cut loose just as quickly for their ill behavior. It's disappointing, but kind of reassuring at the same time to know that I am not the only one who has had this problem in "relationships". Is there any hope for opposite sex friendships NOT interferring with your love life??

Historicly it doesn't work! My ex-wife always said I didn't need to worry about her male friends and I trusted her right up till she had an affair with one

I'm curious LA, has this jaded you towards dating women with male friends? Still trying to understand the mindset of a guy! And y'all say that women are hard to understand!

[BeachBunny]

Just based on the info that you supplied, I would venture a guess that he was a bit nervous about your male friends because you hadn't been dating for a long time. His insecurity may have been based on that. The insecurity is not just a male phenomena; my ex-fiance was constantly jealous and insecure about my closeness to my family and my dive buddies, even though they fully accepted her.

The fact is, Christy, that you're a very attractive lady, and from what I can see on the board, you're very personable. Therefore, he may have felt that a lot of guys would like to have been in his place, and that some of them were trying to move in.

That said, he should have spoken with you about it, and expressed his concern that way.

Rick


Can't you feel 'em circlin', honey
Can't you feel 'em swimmin' around
You got fins to the left, fins to the right
--Jimmy Buffett

Thank you Rick!! I know jealousy goes both ways, I am just not that type of girl. And he would have been right to assume there are other guys who wanted to be in his place BUT they are not the guys I hang out with and I chose to be with HIM...not one of the other Joes asking me out! Ah well! Such is life!

[Blackhawk]

Is there any hope for opposite sex friendships NOT interferring with your love life??

Yeah date me ... As I said I hate jealousy I consider it a wasted emotion. If they're going to cheat on me they're going to cheat on me... Get it done and get over it so I can

Interestlingly enough I've had an ex break up with me because I was NOT jealous... "If you cared at all about me you'd be jealous and not allow me to see my friends." HUH?

This is a very tricky issue. It goes back to finding someone who's right for you and the way you want to run your life... don't settle for someone because he's been hurt in the past... let him deal with it and get back to you when he has...

[jextract]

Interestlingly enough I've had an ex break up with me because I was NOT jealous... "If you cared at all about me you'd be jealous and not allow me to see my friends." HUH?

Dude ... that's f-ed up!

WARNING AND GENERAL DISCLAIMER: Gross sexist generalization follows. As it is a generalization it is meant to represent the majority of cases and does not intend to encompass each individual case. No actual daters were harmed in the forming of this opinion and actual mileage may vary.

Christy, guys' mindsets are pretty easy to understand. When we're hungry, we say "I'm hungry." When we're tired, we say "I'm tired." When we mean 'no' we say "no;" when we mean 'yes' we say "yes." We don't ask trick questions and we won't waste the emotional energy on trying to trip you up. We're usually glad to see you unless you make yourselves a PITA, in which case we will avoid you. We're really not known for hidden meanings, no matter how much women wish to find them. We have simple needs: air (includes airfills), water, food, sex, ESPN. Everything beyond that is gravy.

[Twinklez]

Most people form opinions about "stuff" based on their own frame of reference. That can include what they've heard, seen, experienced, AND HAVE DONE or WOULD DO. My last husband was constantly jealous and insecure that I worked around men and was friends with them. He is the one who had the affair and then couldn't be honest about it even after the process server went to her house and got him out of her bed to serve the divorce papers.

We tend to use our own frame of reference to anticipate the potential actions of other people. Not always, but often. So if he thinks you might be fiddling around with your male buddies, you might want to have a look at his female friends and coworkers; or better yet, walk on.

[netmage]

WARNING AND GENERAL DISCLAIMER: Gross sexist generalization follows. As it is a generalization it is meant to represent the majority of cases and does not intend to encompass each individual case. No actual daters were harmed in the forming of this opinion and actual mileage may vary.

Christy, guys' mindsets are pretty easy to understand. When we're hungry, we say "I'm hungry." When we're tired, we say "I'm tired." When we mean 'no' we say "no;" when we mean 'yes' we say "yes." We don't ask trick questions and we won't waste the emotional energy on trying to trip you up. We're usually glad to see you unless you make yourselves a PITA, in which case we will avoid you. We're really not known for hidden meanings, no matter how much women wish to find them. We have simple needs: air (includes airfills), water, food, sex, ESPN. Everything beyond that is gravy.

Gary: “Fine, I’ll help you do the damn dishes.”
Brooke: “That’s not what I want. I want you to want to do the dishes.”
Gary: “Why would I want to do dishes?”

[jextract]

Brooke's behavior in that whole movie was a great reminder of all the screwed up, manipulative women I've had the misfortune of dating in the past. Way too "true to life" for my tastes! Makes me appreciate my wife even more.