25 replies to this topic

[drbill]

No reason to close the thread if people still have things to say.

Moose, you sound like quite a guy. I like people who give to "causes" greater than their own self-reward! I think the ultimate measure of a person is how they live their life. Personally, I think Christ would much rather welcome a "non-believer" who never attends church but constantly does good deeds rather than a "believer" who attends church regularly but treats others poorly in every day life. I'm not wise enough to judge what Christ meant by "the way to the Kingdom of God is through me," but it is my hunch that he meant by living a life consistent with the Golden Rule.

[Twinklez]

I think we are all thinking clearly here and with our heads. This is easy to do when we are not head over heels in love with someone.

When you are and you trust them completely...you just can't fathom that they would take advantage of you. Especially if they are planning a life with you.

I tend agree with Kamala.

Love is insanity. Think about it. Almost all of us at one point or another who have experienced what we thought was true love felt just a little insane (if not a lot). Sometimes the insanity lasts longer than just a fleeting moment...even long enough to get your pocket book wide open.

If you're thinking with your heart (which is what people in love typically do), then you're not thinking with your head. Some people fall in love much easier and much sooner than others might. Some people stay in love even as steel tracks of destruction roll over the top of them. It's not stupidity at the moment...it's love (or at least we think so).

I can see where one would easily get into a bind trying to help the one they love...we do it with our children, so why not our significant other?

I've been there. I was married to him. Who would have thought he'd leave me and my sons without even a home? Especially when I owned one when we married and he didn't. I paid off the balance on his new truck. I paid for him to go to the police academy. I supported us, paid his child support and children's medical insurance, contributed to their college fund monthly, and the list goes on. I thought it was all about helping each other. I still do.

Does it change the way I look at the few prospects I stumble across? Yes, somewhat; but not completely. I think for the most part, I just take a much longer look before even dipping my toe in the water let alone taking a dive. I'm more logical; but hey....I haven't fallen in love again "yet." I hope that when I do, if I do, I'll be just as insane as I have in the past. Otherwise, I might as well just advertise for a companion or room mate and forget all about love. I hope that never happens.

So maybe you've never been there. The thing is, while you can't understand how someone would be so generous or get themselves into such a bind; others might not understand your view on the topic and think you cold hearted and uncaring. I guess that goes back to the "we're all different" thing. But you know what? I'm really glad that I'm me!

[drbill]

Tina... nice to see you add your thoughts. Happy New Year!

[Twinklez]

Tina... nice to see you add your thoughts. Happy New Year!

Thanks Bill, sometimes I just can't help myself!

[cat fish]

So did I learn anything? Sure. Talk about such matters with the new person(s) in your life. Don't change yourself but be wiser. Don't allow getting hurt to stop you from taking a risk. Sure its scary but you'll never receive true love if you don't experience some form of true risk...even if that risk is just allowing your heart to care again. And do your homework upfront. If I'd done a better job of 'kicking the tires' and digging into who my ex really was as a person and how he handled light to serious situations...I would have realized that we weren't as compatible as I thought we were. And he would have realized the same saving us both a great deal of pain, wasted time and effort and oh yeah...wasted money.

Kamala... thank you for sharing your story!! It is familiar to me, as I lived it for 2+ decades. I so agree with what you have said above. And yes, I am still me -- that good-helpful-supportive person. But I have finally learned about the word BALANCE. It must be present, it is that simple. I don't mean just about money, but there must be some way, some how that each partner contributes fully. Otherwise, things get very so far from center. My therapist told me somehting that really hit home for me: A Relationship Will End As It Was. So true. The ending does not signal the problem; it happens far earlier. You are right about kicking the tires. I am still the same hopeless optimist, but shaded with some understanding about myself, I guess, and what I also need.

[jeff]

""Does it change the way I look at the few prospects I stumble across? Yes, somewhat; but not completely. I think for the most part, I just take a much longer look before even dipping my toe in the water let alone taking a dive. I'm more logical; but hey....I haven't fallen in love again "yet." I hope that when I do, if I do, I'll be just as insane as I have in the past. Otherwise, I might as well just advertise for a companion or room mate and forget all about love. I hope that never happens.""
Twinklez


When you meet someone new, you have to look at them like they are your first. You can't be stupid, but if you don't give someone a chance when they are between paychecks (common theme of the thread) you may miss someone special. You have to hope that they are seeing you alone and not seeing everyperson they have been with in you. Your past makes you who you are but it should not cause you to put limits and exclusions on how you treat the next someone special.

Edited by jeff, 11 January 2007 - 11:27 PM.

[Moose]

When you meet someone new, you have to look at them like they are your first. You can't be stupid, but if you don't give someone a chance when they are between paychecks (common theme of the thread) you may miss someone special. You have to hope that they are seeing you alone and not seeing everyperson they have been with in you. Your past makes you who you are but it should not cause you to put limits and exclusions on how you treat the next someone special.

I think this is VERY important advice. While I make a decent coin, on the morning of 9/11, I lost just under a million dollars in investments. By Dec of that same year, my software firm tanked (we had about 40% of our clients in the world trade center.) There was no recouping our loses.

So there I was, no job, lost more than I cared to think about in multiple investments, not to mention that I was in the middle of building a huge $100k garage on my property when it all happened.

I went from getting ready to retire by 35, to having to start almost from scratch. There were days when I wondered if I was going to make my mortgage payment, then on to days I wondered where I would get the money to eat. I worked a really crappy job for almost no money just to make ends meet. After a year, I was able to get things together and make another go at it. While I'm no where near where I was, I'm "back in the game." (Perfect credit rating intact!) But if anyone would have met me during that time, I would have looked like a complete failure. Not that I was in any real condition to date, but I would hate to think that I may have missed out on someone special because a few radicals decided that the US was a meaty target.

(BTW, since then, I have made it a personal mission to work on this solution and do whatever I can. I've been traveling in Iraq and other countries in the region. Some to help, others to punish. It will not erase the past, but hopefully it will prevent it from repeating.)

[pocahontas]

No reason to close the thread if people still have things to say.

Moose, you sound like quite a guy. I like people who give to "causes" greater than their own self-reward! I think the ultimate measure of a person is how they live their life. Personally, I think Christ would much rather welcome a "non-believer" who never attends church but constantly does good deeds rather than a "believer" who attends church regularly but treats others poorly in every day life. I'm not wise enough to judge what Christ meant by "the way to the Kingdom of God is through me," but it is my hunch that he meant by living a life consistent with the Golden Rule.

Amen.

[jextract]

The thing that I think is missing from this discussion is that the sole purpose of legal marriage is that it is a financial contract, nothing else. There is no other reason for the state to be involved in people's relationship business.

Before you would choose a business parner you would do quite a bit of homework on them, wouldn't you? You'd know their financial and legal situation, credit, liens and judgements, etc., inside and out. Why do people never do this when choosing the ULTIMATE business/financial partner? Because we've been sold a bill of goods by Hollywood and romance novel writers that these things are supposed to be about "luuuuuuuuuuuuv!" (and oh, by the way, should it not work out the more financially able partner is now legally extorted from in the ultimate income redistribution scheme).

It is far preferable to separate the financial and the emotional aspects of relationships because you never know what could happen down the line. "Trust in Allah but tie your camel."

[Twinklez]

The thing that I think is missing from this discussion is that the sole purpose of legal marriage is that it is a financial contract, nothing else. There is no other reason for the state to be involved in people's relationship business.

Before you would choose a business parner you would do quite a bit of homework on them, wouldn't you? You'd know their financial and legal situation, credit, liens and judgements, etc., inside and out. Why do people never do this when choosing the ULTIMATE business/financial partner? Because we've been sold a bill of goods by Hollywood and romance novel writers that these things are supposed to be about "luuuuuuuuuuuuv!" (and oh, by the way, should it not work out the more financially able partner is now legally extorted from in the ultimate income redistribution scheme).

It is far preferable to separate the financial and the emotional aspects of relationships because you never know what could happen down the line. "Trust in Allah but tie your camel."

So many people equate marriage with romance. Jamie I agree with you - it's really a financial contract that's not necessarily created to be equal.

My last husband had a good credit rating but made a very poor hourly wage when we met. He had dreams that I helped him to achieve thinking we'd reap the benefits together. I don't think he intended to leave me high and dry; but when things didn't work out he never thought twice about it. The circumstances surrounding our breakup were almost a mirror of the circumstances from his first divorce. Had I known more and separated fact from emotions I don't think I'd have married him.

So while I don't base my decisions on someone's current situation, I now look hard at the big picture and lifestyle patterns over time.

[drbill]

Whew... then I don't need to worry about marriage. I don't enter into financial contracts, I just follow my heart... again, and again, and again.