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[Landlocked Dive Nut]

The things you won't hear from a dive operator when booking a trip:

"Hey, you're the first guest since...'the accident'."

"Sorry, we can't take reservations until last week's group is found."

"Our boats are Reef Diver I and Reef Diver III. Reef Diver II is our first dive for the day, located in 130 feet, five miles out."

"We can make you a really good deal if you know something about boat engines."

"Don't worry about the currents, if we don't find you I'm sure Search and Rescue will."

"That whale shark pictured in our brochure is the only one we've seen in 20 years of diving here."

"No, we don't have a shark dive, but we do feature a Portuguese man o' war encounter."

[Landlocked Dive Nut]

The reasons Santa Claus doesn't dive:

He's jolly enough without getting narced.

He hates it when his dry suit leaks and his fuzzy red woolies get wet

Still mourning the mysterious disappearance of his dive buddy, Frosty the Snowman, while diving in the Bahamas.

Rudolph's nose shorts out under water.

Have you tried to get 32 fins on little reindeer feet.

[Landlocked Dive Nut]

If Microsoft made dive gear:

Useless tips would show up on your dive computer every time you turn it on.

None of your new gear would be compatible with any of your old stuff.

When you called Microsoft to schedule a dive trip, you would be left on hold for a long time, and when you finally talked to someone you would be given a lot of information on diving that was absolutely correct but completely useless.

Every dive computer would be from Microsoft and any deaths from them would be explained as a "beta version" problems.

Don't worry, we'll fix that in the next release.

Every time you were really close to your destination, your boat would crash.

Your air supply would stop and have to be restarted every couple of minutes and you would accept this as normal.

[Landlocked Dive Nut]

How To fail your open water test:

Tell your instructor you will race him to the surface.

Loudly proclaim that safety stops are for "wussies".

Spit in your wetsuit and pee in your mask.

Ask your instructor, which fin goes on which foot.

Tell your instructor there is no way you can lift a cylinder with 2,000 pounds of air in it.

When asked for your dive plan, you hand over a bundle of travel brochures.

[Landlocked Dive Nut]

How you know when your buddy is narked:

He keeps staring at himself in your mask.

You find him buddy breathing with a shark

He pees in his dry suit.

His mask fogs underwater and he spits in it.

Your mask fogs underwater and he spits in it.

He looks at you cross-eyed and slurs his bubbles.

[Landlocked Dive Nut]

When you need to practice better buoyancy control:

You insist that you never wear fins because it makes it more difficult to walk on the bottom.

The only place you can hover is at the surface

You use 50 psi for breathing and 150 psi for your BC.

You are certain you went for one dive, but your computer has logged three.

You think being neutral in the water means that you don't fight with your buddy.

[Landlocked Dive Nut]

How good Is your Instructor? You know more than your instructor when:

You have to lend him a weight so he can get under.

He keeps calling his scuba cylinder an "oxygen tank".

He is a victim in your rescue course, and he isn't playing.

His new dive computer is a Palm Pilot.

You ask him about nitrox and he says he doesn't watch wrestling.

He tells you not to worry about your gauges, "YOU'LL KNOW WHEN YOU'RE OUT OF AIR!!"

[Landlocked Dive Nut]

Classic things Instructors say:

What part of this did you understand?

You couldn't make it to class because your what died?

I see......, you just forgot to mention the epilepsy

Yes, I know you were scared, but don't ever bite me again!

You should've been here last week, the vis was great

You didn't see the whale shark?

You don't want to do the buddy breathing because you have what!

Welcome to the food chain folks, you are no longer on the top!

[Landlocked Dive Nut]

Is your new dive buddy experienced if:

He asks, "which one of these thingies goes in my mouth"?

He offers to carry everyone's gear to the boat?

He thinks a BC is a comic strip about cavemen?

He's upset when you tell him his dive computer doesn't run windows vista

He argues that NITROX was a monster who battles Godzilla?

He says "Oh, I just wait 'til I get that "tingling feeling", then I know it's time to surface"?

[Landlocked Dive Nut]

Three instructors and their students are on board a dive boat in the middle of the ocean— there’s a NAUI instructor, a PADI instructor, and an SSI instructor.

Everything is going fine, until the boat springs a leak, and starts to sink.

The SSI instructor says to his students, "Okay… we’re in the middle of the ocean, so we might as well do our deep dive."

The NAUI instructor says to his students, "Okay… we might as well do our navigation dive, so let’s get our compasses out and swim towards shore."

The PADI instructor says to his students, "Okay… for $25 extra you guys get to do a wreck dive!"

[Landlocked Dive Nut]

This man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It’s not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It’s not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It’s not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She comes up to the man and she says, "How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!" he says.

She reaches over, unzips this waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you had a drink of whiskey?

He replies, "Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips the waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that’s fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you had some REAL fun?"

And the man cries out, "My God! Don’t tell me you’ve got a set of golf clubs in there, too!"

[Landlocked Dive Nut]

Near a lake used by scuba divers was a bar, and a man walked in carrying a cardboard box. He put the box on the bar and ordered a drink. It was quiet, and the barman was a talkative fellow — he naturally asked what was in the box. The man didn’t answer, but opened the box and took out a miniature grand piano, then a miniature piano stool, and finally, a little man less than a foot tall, who sat at the piano and started to play the most incredible music you have ever heard.

"He’s fantastic!" said the barman, "Where did you get him?"

"Well," said the customer, "I had been diving in the lake when I saw this frog swimming in the middle of lake, at about 15 feet, and looking very tired. I took hold of the frog and carried him to the surface. The frog seemed very relieved, so I carried him to the shore.

"When I put him down – and you’re not going to believe this bit," the man said, "– the frog started to talk! He said he wasn’t really a frog, but was a handsome prince turned into a frog by a wicked fairy. And because he had never learned to swim, he wasn’t making a very good job of being a frog. And as I had just saved his life, he was going to grant me a wish.

"Now, the frog did seem to have difficulty equalizing as we surfaced, and it must have affected his hearing, because I told him my wish – and that was how I got a 10 inch pianist!"

[Landlocked Dive Nut]

A dive boat runs into a terrible storm. The boat gets pounded by rain and wind and huge waves. The divers are quiet but really scared. They are sure the boat is going to sink and they are all going to die.

At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims: "I can’t take this anymore! I can’t just sit here and drown like an animal. If I am going to die, let me die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

One of the dive masters stands up – a tall, handsome, muscular man, he smiles and starts to walk up to her. As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt. She sees his huge muscles – already, she is glad for her decision.

He stands in front of her, muscles bulging, shirt in hand and says to her: "Here! Iron this!"

[Landlocked Dive Nut]

PRAWNS (caution: very corny!!)

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea. One called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten." A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted" Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark", came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me.

I've changed."......... (You're going to love this...)

"I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian".

[Landlocked Dive Nut]

Two sharks are dining on leftover clownfish.

One sharks turns to the other and asks "Does this taste funny to you?"