26 replies to this topic

[Landlocked Dive Nut]

My SCUBA instructor always stressed that you should never go diving alone. If you have equipment problems, your buddy can help you. If you run out of air, your buddy can help you.

If you meet an aggressive shark, your odds are 50-50 instead of 100%.

[Landlocked Dive Nut]

How to avoid shark attacks:

Never Leave Kansas

Dive with a briefcase. Shark may mistake you for an attorney and leave you alone out of professional courtesy

Dive with a buddy who can’t swim as fast as you can

[Landlocked Dive Nut]

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?

I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, "Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner."

[Landlocked Dive Nut]

In days of old
When divers were cold
And before dry suits were invented
The best latrine
Was neoprene
Especially if it was rented

[Landlocked Dive Nut]

Scuba Pickup Lines

1. Do you believe in love at first sight or shall I swim back and forth a few more times?

2. I’m a Bar Jack and I want to make a Damsel Grunt with my Blue Tang — can you Rock, Beauty?

3. I’m looking for a French Angel with large gills, and I think I’ve found her — are you French?

4. Do you have change for the phone? My mother told me to call home when I met the girl of my dreams.

5. I can’t find my pet crab – can you help me find him? I think he went down to the deserted end of the beach.

6. You must be Jamaican, because Jamaica me crazy.

7. I like to maintain my own equipment — you look like someone I’d like to “tinker” around with.

8. I’m new at the resort — could you give me directions to your room?

9. I think there’s something wrong with my regulator. Could you hold the first stage while I check out the second stage?

10. Please excuse my panting – I am out of air, because you take my breath away.

11. Excuse me, I’m lost. May I go home with you?

12. Is the sun in your eyes, or did you just smile at me?

[Landlocked Dive Nut]

Algerian Compressor

Then there’s the one about the miserly diver who bought a surplus Algerian compressor to save on fill charges. Only thing was, the instructions were written in Sanskrit and he hooks it up backwards and accidentally removes 3000 pounds from his tank.

Unknowingly, he sticks the regulator in his mouth, takes a breath, and is immediately sucked into the tank, never to be heard from again.

I understand his widow in Brooklyn has the tank mounted at the corner of the fireplace.

[Landlocked Dive Nut]

Liveaboard diving will get you to remote reefs where few day-boats go. But, then, you’re further away from shore if the boat sinks!

That happened! When his liveaboard sank, a lone diver struggled to shore on an island with no other people, no supplies… Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief he asks her:

“Where did you come from? How did you get here?”

“I rowed from the other side of the island,” she says. “I landed here when my cruise ship sank.”

“Amazing,” he says. “You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you.”

“Oh, this?” replies the woman. “I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island; the oars were whittled from gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.”

“But-but, that’s impossible,” stutters the man. “You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?”

“Oh, that was no problem,” replies the woman. “On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.” The guy is stunned.

“Let’s row over to my place, ” she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb-struck.

As they walk into the house, her beautiful breasts bouncing with each step, she says casually, “It’s not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?”

“No thank you,” he says, still dazed. “Can’t take any more coconut juice.”

“It’s not coconut juice,” the woman replies. “I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?”

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, “I’m going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom.”

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened onto its end, inside of a swivel mechanism. “This woman is amazing,” he muses. “What next?”

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines and a shell necklace strategically positioned and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

“Tell me,” she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, “we’ve been out here for a very long time. You’ve been lonely. I’ve been lonely. There’s something I’m sure you really feel like doing right about now, something you’ve been longing for all these months? You know… ” She stares into his eyes.

He can’t believe what he’s hearing. His heart begins to pound. He’s truly in luck:

“You mean…”, he gasps, “…I can actually check my e-mail from here??”

[Landlocked Dive Nut]

You may be a Redneck Diver if:

You are saving your Old Milwaukee beers cans to melt down into another AL 80 tank

You think nitrox is a fancy fertilizer for the garden

Your local dive shop is one half of a double wide trailer, you live in the other half of the same double wide trailer

You think Trimix is a BBQ sauce that contains rum, corn squeezins, AND beer

You've ever bought any of your dive equipment at Wal-Mart

Your weight belt has a giant brass WWF graciously wrestling buckle on it

You refer to your purge button as the "turbo skoal ejection system"

You’ve ever had any of your equipment left on land during a shore dive taken by possums or armadillos

You’ve painted your scuba tanks with John Deer green house paint

You made your fins by gluing plastic plates to the bottom of flip flops

Your first dive light was made with a lava lamp and stolen car

You’ve heard someone talking about steel tanks and you thought it meant "acquiring equipment without the usual exchange of monetary units"

Your good working air compressor is sitting atop the old, non working one....in the living room

Whenever you are taking your tanks apart for inspection, you have an irresistible urge to put them up on blocks in the front yard

Your lift bag looks just like a giant pink flamingo

You think a tide chart is for keeping track of when and where the Auburn football team is playing

When your wetsuit gets worn out, you don’t replace it, you get it retreaded

The first underwater hand sign you learned was the "thumbs up" which means "lets get topside and get another beer"

Either you or your dive partner is named "Bubba" as written on the birth certificate

Your dive boat is named the "General Lee"

Your dive flag bears a resemblance to the rebel flag

Your dive hood has a coon tail tied to the back of it

Your diving weights were made out the wheel rims you took off of your trailer and melted down

Your first dive weights were make outta used and frayed yellow ski rope and cinder blocks

Your first BC consisted of the 1 gallon milk jugs and more of the same ski rope

Your BC you use today is the same one you started out with (old milk jugs)

You think dive safety means keeping the safety on when your diving with your 12 gauge

It took you 4 summers, 150 tank fills, and 6 brands of spear guns before you were able to get that 20 lb bass that is mounted on the living room wall

Apparently the other bass you have mounted on the other wall sings "Don’t worry be happy" if you talk or clap

You think a high pressure hose is one of those fancy garden hoses they have in the Wal-Mart lawn and garden section

You know what a low pressure hose is because you already have one leaking everywhere out in the front yard

You think a regulator is one of those guvmint guys that was always giving your grandpappy grief for making and selling moonshine commercially during prohibition

Your pressure gauge does double duty back home on the pressure cooker

You find your spare air very handy during Mexican dinner night

You think heliox is one of those mythological Greek gods

You think decompression is French for "the educated"

You think embolism is that killer disease they have in Africa

You plan your diving vacation and schedule it around the local mullet festivals

Your boat anchor consist of a really big cinder block with even more of that old, frayed yellow ski rope

You didn’t actually buy any of that old yellow ski rope. You stole if off of the big tree next to the ole swimmin' hole

You think the 1/3rds rule is for telling you how much beer your currently allowed to drink before the first dive

When someone talks about getting a good o-ring seal you imagine some kind of kinky sex act

When someone says the words "DIN fitting" you think its some kind of obscure Scottish word

When someone says "yoke", you think they are talking about eggs

You think deco limits refers to how long they can legally keep you in the local slammer to sober you up

You think a dive computer is that county tax guy who comes by your trailer every few years and tells you how much your tax bill is

Your dive scooter has a gun rack and an NRA sticker on it

There are used & crushed beer cans in the empty spaces inside your dive scooter

You’ve accidentally publicly set off a gun while it was IN the rack on your dive scooter

Your dive scooter has mud flaps with chrome naked women on them

Your dive scooter has both a CB radio and an 8 track tape player, neither of which work

Your dive scooter has a CB antennae with a worn out tennis ball on the top of it

There is a winch on the front of your dive scooter and your rich buddy has one on the front AND one on the back

There are spots on your dive scooter that consist of nothing but red primer and bondo

You paid more for your dive scooter than you did for you trailer, truck, boat, or anything else you own

You think red tide is some new commie football team

You think buddy breathing is one of those gay couple things you don’t wanna know about

You’ve had several cases of the bends, but for some reason your DAN insurance would never cover it

You’ve ever used kudzu on your safety reel during a cave dive

You think the word flounder is what your truck does when you try to drive across the crick during a heavy rain

You think "alternate air supply" means the surface

When you go diving you're more worried about alligators, cotton mouths, mosquitoes, and irate moonshiners than you are sharks, strong tides, or tropical storms

You’ve won first place at the tri-county BBQ cook-off, and the grill you used for cooking was made out of an AL 80 tank cut in half

When someone mentions GPS, usually you think its one of them "women things"

When you go in and ask for an "air fill on my tanks" it takes you longer to say the word air than it does to say the rest of the sentence

Laying Line sounds good to you, but you don’t know who she is or where she lives

You are more worried about how much beer is in the cooler than you are about how much air is in the tank or gas is in the boat

Your snorkel is made out of PVC fittings and it leaks

You think dual manifold refers to a high performance carb system for your truck

You favorite scuba tank is covered in NASCAR stickers and your second tank has a Quaker State sticker on it

You’ve quit diving with some dive partners because they like a different NASCAR driver

You think back plate refers to the second helpings you get at the local all you can eat rib joint

You use an empty plastic coke bottle to tell how deep you are

Every place you dive has one of two depths: deep and durn deep

You think conch is what happens in a bar room brawl when someone gets a beer bottle upside the head

You’ve lived on your boat on several occasions, and it wasn’t in the water when you lived on it

[JustRuck]

You may be a Redneck Diver if:

You think a tide chart is for keeping track of when and where the Auburn football team is playing

I have to change this to Alabama instead of Auburn as Alabama is the Crimson Tide. ROOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLL TIIIIIIIIIIIDDDDDDDDDE

Also on a side note, Auburn stands for Alabama Usually Beats Us Round November

[Racer184]

A man was stranded on a deserted island four years ago.
He is sitting on the beach when a beautiful women in scuba gear comes out of the water.

She sees him and he explains he has been alone for four years.

She unzips her wetsuit partway and pulls out a cold beer and gives it to the man.

He sips the beer sooooo slowly, enjoying every drop. "Wow, a cold beer in your wetsuit, thank you!" he says.

She unzips a little further and pulls out a ham and swiss sandwich (in a ziplock® bag of course) and gives it to him.

He is, naturally, ecstatic. "My goodness, dear beautiful lady, a sandwich in your wetsuit?"

When he finishes the sandwich and the beer, she slowly unzips her wetsuit all the way down... the man begins drooling as she displays more and more flawless skin.

"Would you like to play around?" she asked?




The man, absolutely stunned at this positive change in his life excitedly asks her "you got golf clubs in there too?"

[Dantheengineer]

Avid divers Paddy and Murphy sat on the side of the RIB, just about to back roll in when Paddy turns to his buddy and says "Murphy, why is it we always roll out of the boat backwards. Surely to god, it'd make more sence to roll in forward so as we can see where we're going?"
Murphy replies to his partner, in a gruff NI accent, "Jees but Paddy, sure but you're an ass! If we was to roll in forward we'd only just land face first on the boats deck!"

[Landlocked Dive Nut]

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!