73 replies to this topic

[drbill]

Would you be willing to give up your ability to dive frequently for such a relationship?

Absolutely NOT! Diving takes precedence even over wonderful women. It is my passion, it is also my "work." My SO must be a diver... no if's and's or but's (or butt's).

Buddy Andrea just called and said I must go with her to Costa Rica in January so we can dive Cocos Island together. Now THAT's the type of woman I'm looking for! If only I could get her to look more closely at me!!

[Kawika]

Personally...I would be willing to move anywhere & do anything for the woman I love...as long as she asked me in a non-demanding way & it didn't conflict with any of my religious values...

K

[annasea]

In my present situation, things have moved very quickly... but it feels right to both of us, and I'm bold, flexible and smitten.

Hey Shamu,

I wish both of you the best of luck!

(That was the final point of the PM.)

[drdiver]

This is a very interesting statement that you make. But I wonder, is it really an *illusion*? Isn't it just a matter of finding a way to cope with an experience that was painful? The enhanced toughness being the primary coping mechanism on the surface, but the enhanced fragility being the flipside of the toughness, as well as what eventually lets someone new into our hearts.

I could have used the word facade and perhaps been more precise. We build these patterns of behavior to handle situations or create a new reality for ourselves. They are illusions at least initially because they aren't part of our persona, but a construct. After they're built, with time, they can become part of us and are part of our reality. For example, an illusion of courage can lead to people becoming convinced that a person is truly courageous. With the reinforcement of other people's beliefs, the person becomes truly courageous. As someone once said, "Be the person you wish to become." In my case, I wanted to become eccentric--I was a very humdrum person at one time--but I consciously decided I was going to become strange--and I succeeded!!!!

[Diverbrian]

Unfortunately, I don't happen to believe much in LTR's anymore. When they work, they sound like something out of a romance novel. At their worst, you find out that it was far easier for the other person to be on their best behavior while you were apart and that they are actually abusive when you have moved to be with them (essentially putting yourself in a position where you have to start over and have given up most of everything that you had to be with them). In some of the support groups that I was with, I saw many of that second variety. This is not a pretty sight.

I noted David's post on the term slowly. This is very correct. But, it is more difficult to move slowly when you have to risk giving up many things in your life that are important to be next to "the one". Then, you are willing to try to force things to work and that is not always the best option.

I also observed many a marriage in service days that ended about the time that the sailor retired. Why? With the serviceman out most of the time, the spouse thought that they "knew" them for all of those years and didn't. When the two actually had to live together, they found themselves incompatible.

The list of women that I have been close to in the romantic sense is without a doubt far shorter than the list of women that I would have liked to be romantically involved with. That is a good thing. My goal is for the next one on that list to be the right one and say that I can still count the number of ex-girlfriends on the fingers of ONE hand. That means waiting and being sure of what I am doing. That means no pressure (which distance brings into play) to make things work. The "biological clock" pressures are dying down. While I would have loved to have had children and am certainly capable of contributing biologically, if I do the arithmetic I am simply to the point of not wanting to be on a pension when the grown child wants money for college. I know too many of my co-workers in that situation already. So, I have given up on that. That leaves me with all of the time in the world to get to know someone if I want a romantic relationship. But, I can't truly get to know that person unless I can spend time with them. I can't spend time with them unless they are relatively close to me.

Oh, and the diving thing.... I know of many cases of avid divers who can no longer dive do to health issues. For those reasons, if the relationship took me somewhere that I couldn't dive and I wanted to be with that woman badly enough, you can bet that I would not care if she was a non-diver. I may not always be able to dive. As the job ads say (paraphased)....

Being a diver is preferred, but not required.

[annasea]

This is a very interesting statement that you make. But I wonder, is it really an *illusion*? Isn't it just a matter of finding a way to cope with an experience that was painful? The enhanced toughness being the primary coping mechanism on the surface, but the enhanced fragility being the flipside of the toughness, as well as what eventually lets someone new into our hearts.

I could have used the word facade and perhaps been more precise. We build these patterns of behavior to handle situations or create a new reality for ourselves. They are illusions at least initially because they aren't part of our persona, but a construct. After they're built, with time, they can become part of us and are part of our reality. For example, an illusion of courage can lead to people becoming convinced that a person is truly courageous. With the reinforcement of other people's beliefs, the person becomes truly courageous. As someone once said, "Be the person you wish to become." In my case, I wanted to become eccentric--I was a very humdrum person at one time--but I consciously decided I was going to become strange--and I succeeded!!!!

Thx for the clarification, drd. Your added quote is most true as well.

And yes, you seem to have succeeded amazingly well with your goal! (Being *eccentric*, that is.) I reckon you've accomplished many others too.

[Basslet]

Would you be willing to give up your ability to dive frequently for such a relationship?

Please man! Regain your senses! Clearly the lass would have to move to Catalina!

Exactly right!!! Diving comes first. Get your priorities straight.

[Basslet]

Would you be willing to give up your ability to dive frequently for such a relationship?

Absolutely NOT! Diving takes precedence even over wonderful women. It is my passion, it is also my "work." My SO must be a diver... no if's and's or but's (or butt's).

Buddy Andrea just called and said I must go with her to Costa Rica in January so we can dive Cocos Island together. Now THAT's the type of woman I'm looking for! If only I could get her to look more closely at me!!

Ooo. Someone I know just came back from there with some awesome photos I might add. Sounds like you have a great trip in your future.

[nextariel]

What do you consider long distance?

[Brinybay]

Would you be willing to give up your ability to dive frequently for such a relationship?

Working two jobs has already put a big crimp in my diving frequency, but hasn't ended it. So, yes, but only if she can cook, and she would have to move here, I'm not going anywhere. That way she would eventually succumb to the lure of the sea and learn to dive, or act as shore support.

[Brinybay]

What do you consider long distance?

Anything not within reasonable driving distance, 30 minutes max.

[Mitch0129]

Speaking of the topic of long-distance relationships, earlier tonight, I had dinner with one of my good friends who introduced me to his new girlfriend. She lives in Denton just northeast of Dallas, he lives in The Woodlands just north of Houston. According to my friend (Chris), it is 257 miles from driveway to driveway. Neither of them see the distance as an obstacle, in fact, Chris told me that he sees them together for a long time. I do hope this will work out.

[Bahamasita]

Speaking of the topic of long-distance relationships, earlier tonight, I had dinner with one of my good friends who introduced me to his new girlfriend. She lives in Denton just northeast of Dallas, he lives in The Woodlands just north of Houston. According to my friend (Chris), it is 257 miles from driveway to driveway. Neither of them see the distance as an obstacle, in fact, Chris told me that he sees them together for a long time. I do hope this will work out.

Mitch,

I do not typically believe in LD relationships and until recently, have purposefully avoided them, tending to be more on the practical side...but when it's right, it's right. Superficial obstacles that would normally hinder or deter typical relationships, such as geography, only make great matches more determined. I find that sometimes these obstacles serve as a good filter: You might give some mediocre matches in your local area a chance, but you're not as likely to try to go through all the effort required in a LD relationship for a mediocre match! Of course, once you know it's a good match, then it's time to do what it takes to give it a chance to blossom into its full potential.

Best of luck to your friend! Romance is not yet extinct!

[Kawika]

257 miles...that's only a mere 4-5 hour drive to see her each weekend...well worth it for the right woman...