73 replies to this topic

[David Evans]

David, sheesh, don't sell yourself so short, man!

Trust me, it's mere modesty and unpretentiousness.

Ah, while I'm very flattered by these comments, my ideas have little to do with modesty or unpretentiousness... No, it has to do with hard-learned and hard-taught humility.

"Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall." Proverbs 16:18

One could say I'm something of an expert on pride. I kinda suck at relationships, but pride and ego... I'm really good at those things.

Back on topic... sorry to have hijacked yet another thread!

-d

[annasea]

And in part, I think had I been more patient and discriminating in selecting a mate I might not find myself where I am at in life.

David, this is an interesting point. Although, obviously, I don't know your whole story, it seems to be like you are in a good place in your life!

Being part of a couple is not the end-all-be-all. Plenty of people enter relationships for the wrong reasons, or stay in them. You're in a place where you are free to pursue your heart's desire without worrying about hurting anyone else.

You're aware you've made mistakes in the past, and have/had taken steps to rectify them.

Regarding your marriages, I'm sure if she didn't leave you first, despite your attempts at wanting to make it work, you're smart enough to have realized, eventually, that it wasn't working no matter how much effort you had put into it and would have left of your own accord.

The point, as I see it, is you appear to know what you want now and are in a better position to recognize it based on your past experiences.

I think you'll make out just fine.

[David Evans]

Shamu, I'm VERY impressed that you're chasing your relationship! It tells me much about the man that you are, and how you view the priorities in your life!

Godspeed, brother! Wooohoooooo!

[David Evans]

And in part, I think had I been more patient and discriminating in selecting a mate I might not find myself where I am at in life.

David, this is an interesting point. Although, obviously, I don't know your whole story, it seems to be like you are in a good place in your life!

Annasea, yeah, I think perhaps I didn't make myself clear on that point.

I *am* in a very happy place in my life. An uncertain place, but exceedingly happy.

And I am grateful to the women that have touched my life, that brought me great happiness and tremendous sorrow, because without the lessons they taught me I wouldn't be able to appreciate how wonderful my life is right now.

I don't think I require a relationship to be happy... however, these relationships have certainly colored my opinion on this particular topic - they taught me that a truly committed and loving relationship is something worth pursuing to whatever end, and that in being truly committed, letting go of regret is a simpler task.

The difference is involvement and commitment is like the difference in ham and eggs.

The chicken is involved, but the pig is committed.

Life's a lot happier when you're a pig.

Shamu's living like a pig, and I admire him (and Dennis!) for it!

-d

Edited by David Evans, 29 June 2005 - 01:14 PM.

[annasea]

a truly committed and loving relationship is something worth pursuing to whatever end, and that in being truly committed, letting go of regret is a simpler task.

The difference is involvement and commitment is like the difference in ham and eggs.

The chicken is involved, but the pig is committed. 

Life's a lot happier when you're a pig. 

LOL!!! That may be true, my friend, but one can only hope perhaps, that one is *committed* to the *right* person! (At least initially -- in the long run, time will tell.)

I've read other people's posts today where they speak of being deeply devoted and *committed* to making their relationships work, only to find out the other person stopped reciprocating after a time.

So yes, the proverbial pig may be *committed* initially, but just might realise that it had very little or nothing to do with real *love* in the end.

But in the meantime, off to the troughs!

[David Evans]

But in the meantime, off to the troughs!

Object lesson:

If you're a pig, don't marry a chicken. It'll NEVER work, and you'll have really weird looking kids!

Edited by David Evans, 29 June 2005 - 01:35 PM.

[ShamuLovesMe]

Shamu, I'm VERY impressed that you're chasing your relationship! It tells me much about the man that you are, and how you view the priorities in your life!

Godspeed, brother! Wooohoooooo!

She makes it a very easy decision to make.

[ddierolf]

If you're a pig, don't marry a chicken. It'll NEVER work, and you'll have really weird looking kids!

But that way you can have your eggs and bacon!

[ScubaDadMiami]

Sometimes, life isn't easy or convenient. Perhaps you would not actively go out to look for something that has lower odds in your favor at the outset. However, if by chance you find someone that is right for you, even if geography complicates things and it isn't easy, I say: Go for it!

If you meet someone, no matter where he or she may be, and if that is the right person for you, don't pass on a chance for a dream just because it will take hard work to get to your destination. Happiness isn't always just around the corner.

[GentDiver]

Speaking as someone who is currently involved in a long distance relationship it certainly has it challenges, but I am willing to give it a try as this is someone that I want to get to know better. My opinion is if I don't at least explore the possibility I could be missing on the right person for me.

We talk a great deal, and we try to see each other when time permits. When we do get together it is for a few days instead of just seeing each other for a few hours a couple of times a week. Give the opportunity to see her more often I certainly would, but cost and schedules are things we are learning to deal with.

I think we both have been honest about our concerns over it being a long distance thing, and as with any relationship communications is a key.

How is it going to work out, to be honest I don't know. That said, I don't think you know how it's going to work out when you are seeing someone that is closer to where you live.

Scott

:lam:

[Mitch0129]

If I may chime in ...

I have tried the long-distance romance three different times, all three times it did not work including the last woman I was involved with. Each time, the relationship did start when both of us were living in the same city (Houston) but at some point she would move on account of her job. Within six months, we would break up.

Everyone pretty much hit it on the head, in the initial stages, going at it this way may be okay but over time, it does wear on you. What do you do if you meet someone who has all the qualities you like plus they do not live several hours away? Also, you are faced with a decision on whether you want to move or not.

Nowadays, I will not bother with it. I am fortunate that I do meet some very good ladies through the various things I am involved in here in Houston. I do not feel the need to hook up with someone who lives in another city and/or state.

[annasea]

One thing I'm curious about is the "time frame" involved when deciding to close the long distance gap. We've read from Dennis a bit on this, but that's pretty much it.

It's great that people meet online and become smitten, but when distance is involved, obviously it makes it that much harder to get to really know the other. (Assuming that we ever *really* know anyone other than ourselves, of course.)

So how much time passes from that initial *wow* phase to when one actually decides to 'make the big move'? A year? 6 months? 6 weeks?

And how much time is needed together temporarily before the situation becomes permanent? 6 months? 1 month? 1 week?

People can portray themselves pretty much however they want online, over the phone, or in person for a short amount of time, but those *happy* times can be a vacation from real life. What happens when the situation becomes *real* and you see your fantasy man or woman is not quite you expected 24/7???

Life has its challenges -- a modem does not, nor does a week or two snatched here and there.

Just wondering . . .

Edited by annasea, 29 June 2005 - 08:17 PM.

[David Evans]

I guess the point to my story is not to beat yourself up over things you have no control over.

Keep being who you are and eventually you will find the happiness that you deserve!

Wise words Michelle... and I agree completely.

There are parts of everything we do that we can't control. I know I've struggled in letting some of those things be just what they are: out of my control. I do think, however, that I can gain considerable wisdom by acknowledging and learning from my mistakes.

There's a fine line between beating myself up and being a mature enough man to own the messes I've made, to clean them up, and to get on with life a better person as a result. It took me a LONG time to get on the right side of that line, but I think I'm there finally.

I appreciate you sharing your story with me - it's sadly, strikingly familiar. I respect that you've come to terms with that, and more than anything I admire that you stuck it out. Kudos to you girlfriend!

It's an exceptional person that can come through that sort of heartache and grow from it as it seems you have.

Isn't it a funny idea that following heartbreak, one can emerge both stronger and more fragile at the same time?

-d

[cmt489]

Isn't it a funny idea that following heartbreak, one can emerge both stronger and more fragile at the same time?

Isn't that the truth! I must say, I am not sure that I am always a huge fan of either my new toughness or fragility. I am jaded towards love and afraid to trust. I am working through that right now but it is hard. I have days and nights in my new relationship where I completely panic stricken because I have allowed myself to feel again and, ergo, be vulnerable.

[David Evans]

It's great that people meet online and become smitten, but when a distance is involved, obviously it makes it that much harder to get to really know the other. (Assuming that we ever *really* know anyone other than ourselves, of course.)

Hmmm. Okay, this is an interesting point.

I suppose in my initial answer I was thinking about a more conventional relationship separated by distance. I hadn't really contemplated the idea of a "cyber romance" in thinking about my response.

I guess I'd have to think that an abundance of caution would be called for in this situation...

One of the wonderful aspects of the internet is how frank it can be - how very, very honest. After all, one of the things I like most about this forum is that I feel it's (mostly) free of pretense. I know that in my communications here, I don't feel the need to feel guarded in what I say, and I think that when most people here say what's on their mind (or heart), I'm getting an honest account of what they feel.

But, in my opinion, that can also be dangerous where matters of the heart are concerned... it seems like it would be human nature to take that honest expression and "fall in love" with the ideas presented, and then let fantasy fill in the big blanks that we don't know about each other.

So assuming I become smitten with a cyber-buddy, what sort of approach and timeline would I have? That's an interesting question, and perhaps that's the point Kamala was driving at in her initial post.

I guess my vague answer to your question, Annasea, is that I don't think I could fall in love with someone over the internet. I could become strongly interested and attracted, but falling in love is something that requires my mate to understand my frailties, weaknesses, flaws, fears, irrationalities, quirks, and bruises, and loves me in spite of them.

And that, in my opinion, involves time... face-to-face time. Hand-in-hand time. Crying time, laughing time, arguing over politics time, prayer time, sensual time, sick time, family time, and times of trials.

I don't have an answer for your question, as I suppose it would be different for every person and every situation. The closest answer I could give you in terms of a solid timeline for exploring this sort of relationship would be, for me, "slowly".

I've made some very good friends on the internet - some, in fact, that I've come to trust with my life.

Funny, isn't it, that it's perhaps easier to trust someone I meet on the web with my life than it is with my heart and soul?

I guess that there's some things I place a higher value on than others....



-david