73 replies to this topic

[dustbowl diver]

At a point in my married existance, I took on a new job to try and better support my young family. For me that job became a long distance relationship due to my business travel and subsequently that played a role in the end. So was that the real reason-distance?? I don't believe so. It was all about communication-phone, e-mail, or simply in person. Isn't that the real key here??

While I am no expert in this, my take is that if you met someone and you have and interest in them, you can make things work as the time you are together are more precious than the days apart-right?? For how long this can last-no clue. But, if the opportunity provided itself, I would certainly be open to exploring it!!!!!

My 2 psi for this early post.

DBD

[Bahamasita]

Have you ever noticed how Relationships are like playing the Lottery? They are equally both a long shot...but people expect to play the lottery over and over again before they win. However with relationships...they expect to win the first or second time...or basically ANY time they play!

That's because like the lottery, "You can't win if you don't play!" ...and you don't play unless you hope to win!

I agree with what most everyone has said here...one of you has to relocate! And Walter put it succinctly, "Long distance relationships can work, but it's best to make the long distance for the shortest time period possible. "

[Latitude Adjustment]

Neither LD relationships nor the lottery have ever worked for me however by this time next year the house will be sold and hopefully I'll be sailing warmer waters, so relocating isn't a problem, it's the plan.

[ShamuLovesMe]

Speaking as someone in the midst of a LD relationship, I can offer this bit of wisdom: IT SUCKS! I was always against such relationships, fully subscribing to the Spanish witticism "el amor de lejos es el amor de pendejos." So I certainly did not seek out such a major challenge. But, as usually happens, it blindsided me when I wasn't looking. Now, I'm spending hours on the phone every day, trying to tend the fire over the phone line and the modem. It's just not the same as it is in person... Like our great sage DrDiver says, you need lots of pillow talk to keep the flame alive.

I don't believe LD relationships can work at all beyond the short term, unless perhaps you have a strong foundation first, such as Dennis' 25-year marriage -- but even then, the marriage has to be good and strong before it becomes LD, or it'll never survive. In the case of a new relationship, when two people who live far apart meet and fall for each other, one must relocate, or the romance will wither away long before it has a chance to grow roots.

So in my case, I've dusted off my resume and am looking for a new job to facilitate my move to be with my new love. If you know of any opportunities in the NoVa area for someone with a diverse mix of technical and creative experience, please check out my resume.

[Maria]

Speaking as someone in the midst of a LD relationship, I can offer this bit of wisdom: IT SUCKS! I was always against such relationships, fully subscribing to the Spanish witticism "el amor de lejos es el amor de pendejos." So I certainly did not seek out such a major challenge. But, as usually happens, it blindsided me when I wasn't looking. Now, I'm spending hours on the phone every day, trying to tend the fire over the phone line and the modem. It's just not the same as it is in person... Like our great sage DrDiver says, you need lots of pillow talk to keep the flame alive.

I don't believe LD relationships can work at all beyond the short term, unless perhaps you have a strong foundation first, such as Dennis' 25-year marriage -- but even then, the marriage has to be good and strong before it becomes LD, or it'll never survive. In the case of a new relationship, when two people who live far apart meet and fall for each other, one must relocate, or the romance will wither away long before it has a chance to grow roots.

So in my case, I've dusted off my resume and am looking for a new job to facilitate my move to be with my new love. If you know of any opportunities in the NoVa area for someone with a diverse mix of technical and creative experience, please check out my resume.

Do you have a brother?

[drbill]

Living as I do on "remote" Catalina Island, almost any relationship is "long distance" if you consider the "26 Miles Across the Sea" issue (actually it is only 19.7 at the closest point). I almost never date women on the island, so even if she lives in the LA area (as my dive buddy Andrea does), it takes 2-3 hours to get there (in the best of traffic, and this is LA).

I'm pretty independent so having the week days to do the work I need to do can be a good thing. However, I'm not very fond of telephone conversations so I'm often not as good at maintaining ties that way during the week. I like an independent woman with her own things to do while I'm not there, but one who anxiously awaits the times I can come over (as I do!).

I would love to be in a relationship where I was able to spend real time with my partner. It is difficult for the women I would most want to be with (professional, independent) to live here since there are very few job opportunities other than via telecommunication (writer, etc.). And it would be hard for me to live away from the (usually) good diving here. Once I get my laptop (6th one in 20 years), I'll be able to do my video editing away from home and am flexible enough to spend more time wherever "she" is!

[ShamuLovesMe]

Thus wanes the simple ideas of a person who can't seem to make a close-distance relationship function, let alone a long-distance one, so it's probably best that no one pays attention to anything I say.

David, sheesh, don't sell yourself so short, man! Your post had the best advice in this thread so far! And I'm heeding it!

[annasea]

Thus wanes the simple ideas of a person who can't seem to make a close-distance relationship function, let alone a long-distance one, so it's probably best that no one pays attention to anything I say.

David, sheesh, don't sell yourself so short, man!

Trust me, it's mere modesty and unpretentiousness.

BTW, best of luck to you and yours, Shamu!

[TheSassyRabbit]

I have had two LD relationships - both which I can say were very, very good experiences. One was for a year, and the other for about 8 months. Neither worked out for the long term, but the reasons for both ending had nothing to do with the distance - everything to do with long term goals or other compatibility issues.

Yes, they can be trying at times when you really want to just reach out and touch that person but you have to wait until the next weekend or whatever, but I think you can learn to compensate for that by the phone conversations, emails, and other "little things".

Part of what has worked for me I guess is that I have a robust life with family, friends, hobbies, and other involvements. There is definitely a balancing act with those things, and I do believe that you have to be willing to sacrifice some time in all of those areas (but not sacrifice them completely) to give energy to the relationship - but this would be the situation for me whether they were local or not. I guess in some ways, I like the LD idea initially b/c it helps me to see that the person does have some other fulfilling areas in their life and can handle allowing me to be both an individual and part of a fulfilling relationship.

And, I'd be completely open to making a move, or welcoming someone to make a move to my area - if we were both committed to giving the relationship a chance (with the understanding that there will be some adjustment issues along the way). I would just hate to limit my search, or my options to someone in my immediate backyard - I might just be limiting the man of my dreams out of my life!

Pollyanna thinking? Maybe. It's the romantic side of me I guess :-)

[cmt489]

I actually partially blame the fact that my ex-husband and I had a long distance relationship for most of our dating life for the breakdown of my marriage (of course, the fact that he dramatically changed during the marriage due to an alleged diagnosis of depression had a lot to do with the rest but this is another story for another day with more time...)

Everytime we saw each other, we were on our best behaviour as well. Anything that was bad was overlooked. Had we been together more, I suspect I would not have gotten to the marriage step and would have left long before he moved to Vancouver after we were engaged. I would have gotten a chance to better know his "passive/aggressive" side and wisely fled...

For some it works but for most I think it is more of a fantasy than a reality.

Then again, this is just my opinion!

[dustbowl diver]

Speaking as someone in the midst of a LD relationship, I can offer this bit of wisdom: IT SUCKS! I was always against such relationships, fully subscribing to the Spanish witticism "el amor de lejos es el amor de pendejos." So I certainly did not seek out such a major challenge. But, as usually happens, it blindsided me when I wasn't looking. Now, I'm spending hours on the phone every day, trying to tend the fire over the phone line and the modem. It's just not the same as it is in person... Like our great sage DrDiver says, you need lots of pillow talk to keep the flame alive.

I don't believe LD relationships can work at all beyond the short term, unless perhaps you have a strong foundation first, such as Dennis' 25-year marriage -- but even then, the marriage has to be good and strong before it becomes LD, or it'll never survive. In the case of a new relationship, when two people who live far apart meet and fall for each other, one must relocate, or the romance will wither away long before it has a chance to grow roots.

So in my case, I've dusted off my resume and am looking for a new job to facilitate my move to be with my new love. If you know of any opportunities in the NoVa area for someone with a diverse mix of technical and creative experience, please check out my resume.

Shamuman,

Kudos to you sir and I wish you all the best in your pursuit!!!!!!

I agree with your words to David- yo Dave, stop selling yourself so short. Your thoughts and posts are genuine and that speaks volumes about you as a person!!!

DBD

[Bahamasita]

I would just hate to limit my search, or my options to someone in my immediate backyard - I might just be limiting the man of my dreams out of my life!

For some it works but for most I think it is more of a fantasy than a reality.

I think that both of you are right: Keep an open mind and don't limit yourself -- people are not defined by their geography, so there is as much chance that "Mr. Right" is far away as there is that he's in your town -- but once you find that person, do whatever it takes to be together (as I have learned) because it's worth it! Close that gap as fast as you can so you can explore the kind of people you are together!

[David Evans]

Well it does take two to tango! Even if David is the perfect match...if he does not pick a winning one as well...the end result is still the same. 

Well, I'm nowhere near anyone's perfect match (at least, not so far as I've discovered to date).

However, Kamala nailed it in her assessment... a marriage takes two people to work.

I've been married, and subsequently divorced, twice. It's an embarrassing admission, at least to me.

My first ex decided that she'd rather be with her boyfriend than me. There are lots of other issues, but that was the big one.

My second ex decided, apparently, that she simply had grown tired of life with me. She certainly lacked the commitment to the relationship that I had. Who knows why - but that's in my past now.

In both cases I take more than my share of responsibility - in part, had I been a better partner, perhaps things might have turned out differently. And in part, I think had I been more patient and discriminating in selecting a mate I might not find myself where I am at in life.

The ending of both relationships was painful. And yet I'd feel like the experiences would have been worthless had there not been pain.

I'd like to think that one's ability to experience emotions is like a pendulum... the greater the pendulum swings in one direction, the greater it also swings in the other. Opening one's self to experiencing the greatest bliss of love subesquently exposes one to feeling the deepest sadness.

But I wouldn't have it any other way! Such are the risks associated in giving your heart to someone unconditionally... and the potential reward, I believe, far outweighs the risk.

So here I am again, as it would seem are so many of you, which is part of what I so enjoy about this community. I feel that many of us are similar spirits in this respect - people who understand that since we're all adrift on this great ocean together, we may as well put an oar in the water, pick a star, and start paddling for it.

Beats the hell outta sitting still and waiting to see what life brings to us, eh?

I don't have the first clue what life has in store for me next, but I know I'm richer for what I've experienced so far, and I hope and believe that what I've learned from my previous relationships will make me a better partner for my *last* relationship (not my next one - my last one!).

There's a funny story along these lines... an old man, on his one-hundredth birthday, was interviewed by the local media. The writer asked the man, "Sir, what's the secret to your longevity?"

The old man thought for a moment, and answered "Good decisions!".

The reporter countered, "Ah hah... so what is the secret to learning to make good decisions?"

The old man replied, simply, "Bad decisions!"

Mistakes = wisdom. Every day that goes by, I realize that I'm dumber than I thought I was and wiser than I ever wanted to be.



-david

[cmt489]

David,

While it is noble that you take some ownership for the failure of your two marriages, sometimes you also have to remember that things can happen that are simply out of your control.

Should we screen better for prospective partners? Certainly, but there is only so much screening you can do. As well, if you love the person, you have to assume that this person is willing to work as hard at a relationship as you are.

Case in point - my miserably failed marriage. As I posted earlier, yes, I probably should have known him better before we got engaged and he moved out here to live with me and get married since I then felt that since I had brought him here I had to follow through with our plans. Boy, was I wrong.

However, this aside, something else happened in our marriage that was completely out of my control. He changed. A lot. He became unhappy, unofficially diagnosed with depression and completely shifted his approach to everything. His naturally selfish behaviour became worse and worse. I supported him for a year of a two and a half year relationship while he stayed on the sofa, golfed, went to the gym and went out drinking with his buddies. Yet, through all this I was committed to stay and, in fact, it was ultimately him who left me, saying that he wasn't happy with our relationship.

I guess the point to my story is not to beat yourself up over things you have no control over.

Keep being who you are and eventually you will find the happiness that you deserve!

Michelle

[Bahamasita]

Wow, David -- I am impressed by your terrific attitude in seeing the "silver lining" in spite of all you've been through! It would be much too easy, and understandable, for you to be bitter and negative and write the whole relationship thing off after your experiences! I know this sounds cliche, but the right woman is waiting out there somewhere for you...and she will be one lucky woman with all that you have to offer! Best of luck, my friend!