74 replies to this topic

[annasea]

Any person that cites distance as a reason for not pursuing a relationship is copping out. Period. In this day and age of instantaneous long distance communications, physical distance is getting to be less meaningful than it used to be, and if the feelings are there, distance be damned. As one who has done it before, strong attraction doesn't work like gravity: it doesn't diminish with distance. And if the attraction is there, I'll find a way to overcome the distance; the sacrifice of driving, the often hectic time together, and the all-too-soon partings that these types of relationships are characterized by are worth it, even if it doesn't work out in the long run. I've never regretted spending time with someone that I was attracted to, regardless of the cost that time entailed.

Afraid this doesn't compute with me. Realistically, a trans-continent relationship is beyond most people's budgets. Let's say you want to see one another once a month minimum. One flight per month might be $300-500. That would be $3,660-6,000 annually just for the travel. Of course if you alternated trips or shared in the cost that would be half as much. Some of us, like this starving marine biologist, do not have 6 figure incomes (unless you count the ones to the right of the decimal point). I might add that dive professionals are usually money challenged as well.

And for those of us with strong environmental concerns, burning gas for frequent long round trips doesn't cut it. Of course we could take public transportation to reduce the environmental impact.

Of course I'd never rule an LDR out, but there are practical considerations for many of us regardless of where our hearts may be (my doctor is still trying to locate mine... and one of my ex's says I'm heartless so that may be the problem. Just kidding).

Interesting (and methinks somewhat short-sighted).

My understanding of this *LDR* concept is that hopefully, if all goes well, the *LD* is eventually dropped. If you truly believe this person is the one for you, isn't the goal to live together and share in each other's lives?

I need my *space* and *quiet time* and just overall independence, but if I ever found *the one*, I would do what needed to be done in order to be with him. Of course, he'd have to make compromises, too.

[finley]

I still stand by the statement...that once a month visits and emails don't let you truly KNOW someone...so..dating for a year (once a month) or even every weekend is VERy different than being involved in their daily lives for a year (TRIPLE THAT IF THERE ARE CHILDREN INVOLVED)

[annasea]

I still stand by the statement...that once a month visits and emails don't let you truly KNOW someone...so..dating for a year (once a month) or even every weekend is VERy different than being involved in their daily lives for a year (TRIPLE THAT IF THERE ARE CHILDREN INVOLVED)

I agree with you, finley, but sometimes even being involved with someone in their daily lives for a year or beyond doesn't allow you to *really* know them either... it's a chance that you take either way.

But in my case... if I truly believed someone was right for me, I would start with short visits back and forth, and then if things were going well, progress to longer stays over time. (I have hordes of holiday time as well as the ability to take up to a year off work without losing my job.) After doing this for whatever period of time felt comfortable, if it got to the point that both of us decided we were *simply* *meant to be*, well then... (I, very happily, don't have children to consider... just house plants.)

To my way of thinking, the world is just too big a place to ever realistically hope that *the one* for you is conveniently located in your hometown, province/state or even country. Perhaps a companion is, but not necessarily *the one*.

[drbill]

Caetllonn, I agree that the LD should be dropped IF the relationship is working well. However, with only infrequent visits (say monthly) I would find it hard to realistically assess the relationship's potential without some extensive day-to-day contact. Someone with whom you have fantastic times on an occasional basis can become quite a different thing on a daily basis.

Of course I also don't believe in "THE ONE." I think they are a number of them out there for each of us, ones we can be compatible with and develop love for. I just wish the women in my future life weren't so geographically challenged. Do I have to draw you a map?

[annasea]

Caetllonn, I agree that the LD should be dropped IF the relationship is working well. However, with only infrequent visits (say monthly) I would find it hard to realistically assess the relationship's potential without some extensive day-to-day contact. Someone with whom you have fantastic times on an occasional basis can become quite a different thing on a daily basis.

Well, obviously! Which is why I mentioned starting with short visits and then gradually building up to longer stays. Perhaps I might even have a slightly better idea of what someone was really like after having lived with him for a year than had I dated him every Wednesday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday night for 5 years. Who knows? I don't, but at least I'm willing to try.

[finley]

I still stand by the statement...that once a month visits and emails don't let you truly KNOW someone...so..dating for a year (once a month) or even every weekend is VERy different than being involved in their daily lives for a year (TRIPLE THAT IF THERE ARE CHILDREN INVOLVED)

I agree with you, finley, but sometimes even being involved with someone in their daily lives for a year or beyond doesn't allow you to *really* know them either... it's a chance that you take either way.

But in my case... if I truly believed someone was right for me, I would start with short visits back and forth, and then if things were going well, progress to longer stays over time. (I have hordes of holiday time as well as the ability to take up to a year off work without losing my job.) After doing this for whatever period of time felt comfortable, if it got to the point that both of us decided we were *simply* *meant to be*, well then... (I, very happily, don't have children to consider... just house plants.)

To my way of thinking, the world is just too big a place to ever realistically hope that *the one* for you is conveniently located in your hometown, province/state or even country. Perhaps a companion is, but not necessarily *the one*.

now with that I agree.....you don't know until you try....I was just trying to warn (whoever it was way back on page 1 or 2) that just becuase it works across long distances doesnt mean it will work daily and that you need to do the daily thing BEFORE the marriage thing.....( I didn't and it didn't work) SO>>> iwas REALLY happy to read dr. bill's thought that there is more than one for me.

[AliKat]

I still stand by the statement...that once a month visits and emails don't let you truly KNOW someone...so..dating for a year (once a month) or even every weekend is VERy different than being involved in their daily lives for a year (TRIPLE THAT IF THERE ARE CHILDREN INVOLVED)

I agree with you, finley, but sometimes even being involved with someone in their daily lives for a year or beyond doesn't allow you to *really* know them either... it's a chance that you take either way.

But in my case... if I truly believed someone was right for me, I would start with short visits back and forth, and then if things were going well, progress to longer stays over time. (I have hordes of holiday time as well as the ability to take up to a year off work without losing my job.) After doing this for whatever period of time felt comfortable, if it got to the point that both of us decided we were *simply* *meant to be*, well then... (I, very happily, don't have children to consider... just house plants.)

To my way of thinking, the world is just too big a place to ever realistically hope that *the one* for you is conveniently located in your hometown, province/state or even country. Perhaps a companion is, but not necessarily *the one*.

now with that I agree.....you don't know until you try....I was just trying to warn (whoever it was way back on page 1 or 2) that just becuase it works across long distances doesnt mean it will work daily and that you need to do the daily thing BEFORE the marriage thing.....( I didn't and it didn't work) SO>>> iwas REALLY happy to read dr. bill's thought that there is more than one for me.

I did the long distance thing in college, and then got engaged. We lived in the same town for a full year before we got married...it still didn't work. And I wouldn't go from an LDR straight to marriage (or engagement again), but since I could easily consider moving once I'm retired from the Navy, if, after several months of visits, it looked promising, I would certainly move (to my own place) to be closer to see what happened next.

Unfortunately, for me right now, the Navy is not cooperating with my personal life at all!

[Latitude Adjustment]

Alikat, having the Navy station you in HI might be hard on your social life but me going to the artic made it impossible.

[drbill]

Well, obviously! Which is why I mentioned starting with short visits and then gradually building up to longer stays. Perhaps I might even have a slightly better idea of what someone was really like after having lived with him for a year than had I dated him every Wednesday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday night for 5 years. Who knows? I don't, but at least I'm willing to try.

Don't roll your eyes at me, young lady!

Living with someone is perhaps the only way to get to know him or her. However, here on Catalina, living with your SO can also be a major problem. Here housing is extremely difficult to come by, especially 12-month leases and reasonable rents. It is generally best to maintain one's own home in case the relationship breaks up. Of course one of my ex's lives with me now (long after our romantic relationship ended), so it's not impossible.

Why, Caetllonn, I can be absolutely charming for a few days, can't I? Oops, on second thought, don't answer that!

Any relationship I have off-island involves a LONG distance situation. Although it is only "26 Miles Across the Sea," that 26 (actually 19.7 at its closest) can be a LONG way when it is 7:00 PM and the last boat to the "Big Island" (mainland) has left.

Of course Latitude Adjustment had a much tougher time in the Arctic! At least we get about a million visitors a year here, about half of them female.

[Twinklez]

Tina,

I'll offer a caveat first, before going any further...

I'm probably the wrong person to ask about long distances and relationships, since my idea of a long drive is probably radically different than most. I routinely drive 2-5 hours just to get to work; it's the curse of being a Field Engineer, and since I live behind the steering wheel of a van, I'm much more likely to consider a 2 hour drive a "comfortable distance" than most others.

With that said, I have to agree with one of your earlier thoughts about distance being an excuse; I have in the past dated women that were around the 2-hour drive distance. They were fiery romances and were great while they lasted, but they eventually didn't work out (mixing up two Type-A, both-sides-of-the-brain personalities seems to be generally a bad idea for long term relationships). Neither relationship ended because of the distance, since we were mutually determined to not let physical distance stand in the way; rather, the inherent natural friction of the aforementioned personalities made for somewhat time-limited affairs.

Any person that cites distance as a reason for not pursuing a relationship is copping out. Period. In this day and age of instantaneous long distance communications, physical distance is getting to be less meaningful than it used to be, and if the feelings are there, distance be damned. As one who has done it before, strong attraction doesn't work like gravity: it doesn't diminish with distance. And if the attraction is there, I'll find a way to overcome the distance; the sacrifice of driving, the often hectic time together, and the all-too-soon partings that these types of relationships are characterized by are worth it, even if it doesn't work out in the long run. I've never regretted spending time with someone that I was attracted to, regardless of the cost that time entailed.

If they aren't willing to drive to see you, you're better off without them. Besides, that just leaves you free for the man that *is* willing to drive to see you, wherever he turns out to be. In the meantime, go dive and take some grim satisfaction from the fact that those losers who wouldn't lift a finger for you are missing out.

Just my coupla cubic feet...

Cheers!

Jim

Thanks Jim, Your input is very much appreciated and gives much hope. Now, just how far is Macon, GA from East Texas?

[AliKat]

Alikat, having the Navy station you in HI might be hard on your social life but me going to the artic made it impossible.

It's not being stationed in Hawaii that's been all that hard, its where they are sending me next. But you still have me beat!

[Latitude Adjustment]

Alikat, haven't you heard your next duty stations state motto, "Virgina is for lovers"

[AliKat]

Alikat, haven't you heard your next duty stations state motto, "Virgina is for lovers"

Well, then, they are definately sending me to the wrong place...doesn't that take 2

[normblitch]

AND, as I recall, isn't that "in a leaky old Boat; any old thing that will stay afloat" ??



nhb

Although it is only "26 Miles Across the Sea," that 26 (actually 19.7 at its closest) can be a LONG way when it is 7:00 PM and the last boat to the "Big Island" (mainland) has left.

[drbill]

Well, then, they are definately sending me to the wrong place...doesn't that take 2

Um, there are ways you can get by with just one... but they're nowhere near as much fun!

AND, as I recall, isn't that "in a leaky old Boat; any old thing that will stay afloat" ??

I'd say you have a good mammary, but you're a male.