5 replies to this topic

[Dive_buddy]

Many topics have attempted to address the question of “Why don't relationships last?” And just as many have failed to answer that question. So, one more won't hurt, right?

Disclaimer: I tend to use generic terms that are understood by everyone. If my use of any word is offensive to you because it infringes upon your individuality, then I am offended by your infringement of my individuality by not letting me choose my own words. Also, if you take the time to fuss about my use of a particular word, then you simply prove that you are more interested in semantics than listening to my view point, and should move on to the next thread.

This forum has discussed many aspects of why relations do not last. From the OS being a loser, to the possibility that “we” pick the wrong person just to have someone in our lives. We seem to spend an awful lot of time thinking about why we can't seem to stay in a relationship. Many factors have been identified such as: SO is a jerk, dead, changed over the last (n) years, etc. etc. etc. Let us turn away from those definite reasons and look elsewhere for a moment.

In Jr. High School, the gym teacher met his Waterloo when it came to trying to teach me Football. Yeah, I know, it's darn un-American of me to not love Football, but that's me. The teacher did however, teach me a very important lesson in goal setting. His lesson had us at the 50 yard line, 3rd down, and 3 yards to go in order to make the first down. He taught us that it is wrong to set your target at the 3 yards needed. Because if anything goes wrong, or anything slows you down, then you miss your mark. He taught us that our target was 50 yards down the field. That way if something gets in your way, and you only make it half way to your target, you still have the first down. And if nothing gets in your way, then you score.

Wow! Such a simple lesson. And yet, quite profound. Although this conflicts with most known rules for modern goal setting. The basic principle is rock solid. Set your sights on 3 yards and you just might make it, set your sights on 50 yards and you will almost always pick up the first down (on your way to the goal).

Which brings me to my point, and food for thought. In selecting our SO for life, could it be that we sabotage our own efforts? I am talking about when we “make plans in case it ends”. And please resist jumping in with “But we need those plans” as the need is not part of the point I am trying to make. It is my belief that if I make a plan of what to do if “She” takes off, then I am setting my sights on the 3 yard line, not the goal of staying together for life. If I start the relationship with a pre-nup, or separate (anything), then I am saying that I don't believe we will make it to the end.

Ever see a long distance runner park a bike at the 1 mile point “just in case” he gets tired? When an Olympic athlete feels like giving up, have you ever heard a coach say “It's okay, you can try again in four years”? No. Because these people set their sights beyond the goal. All of their effort goes into making it to the end, and making it there before anyone else.

I have to wonder if, by planing for the end, we don't tend to accept the end much more willingly than if we never planed for it to end. It may not even be conscious. But by creating a way out, is it possible that we setting our target way too soon?

Also, it is my strongest belief that if we pick the right one, then there will be no need of any of our plans for “if it should end”. Because it won't end. Take the time to find the right person, and it can be a lasting relationship. One free of disappointment, free from the need of any protection of a failed relationship. If you have the right partner, then they will focus all efforts on making it last, right along with you. In fact, the right person will probably suggest that you do have some form of bank account, some form of “protection”.

In fairness to those who have been hurt or burned in the past. Yes, having a nest egg for the event of a break up is wise. Just as having that nest egg in the event that your SO dies. And everyone who desires these forms of “protection” has every right to want them. This I do not dispute. I just suggest that having these “protections” may put you into the mind frame that allows you to accept a failed relationship long before you would with out them.

I do know that if I am starting a relationship with someone and it has not yet become serious, meaning that we are not yet thinking of “life time together”, and she says “pre-nup”, what I hear is “I doubt that you will last”. If I see a “check list” come out on any date we may be on, then I doubt that this can be real love. And when I say on any date, I mean before the relation begins to really take form. On a date, you are still getting to know each other, still trying to decide if this is someone you want to get serious with. Once the dates end, and you are begining to share your lives with each other, then the check lists should come out. When that relation builds enough of a foundation to where you both are considering making it a long lasting one, then the talk of pre-nups, and accounts can arise. But even at that point, could we still be setting ourselves up for failure?

Food for thought.

[mantarraya]

Agree that we often set ourselves up by failure by over-analyzing and over-thinking a new relationship, and also falling into over-protection mode. Gotta give the other person a little benefit of the doubt and not have unrealistic expectations.

Even then, the relationship may still fail. Get up and try again, or learn how to live without.

[drbill]

"Funny" but I find that some relationships "last" much longer after they are over... that is the bitterness or the sadness or whatever remains lasts. Then there are the ones whose SO has passed on... and they carry forth that relationship in their hearts for years or even decades.

[Dive_buddy]

Agree that we often set ourselves up by failure by over-analyzing and over-thinking a new relationship, and also falling into over-protection mode. Gotta give the other person a little benefit of the doubt and not have unrealistic expectations.

Even then, the relationship may still fail. Get up and try again, or learn how to live without.

Quite true, there is no garuntee that any relationship will last forever. You mention "over-thinking", a point I over looked. Could this be another possible road block to true happyness? There have been a few times when someone wanted me to "act resonably" in reguards to a woman. They told me to "Think with my head and not my heart". That would make me tend to believe that maybe we should think with our hearts and not our heads when it comes to matters of the heart.

This is not to say never give it any thought. Just saying that we should let our hearts do most of the talking.

[jholley309]

Disclaimer: I tend to use generic terms that are understood by everyone. If my use of any word is offensive to you because it infringes upon your individuality, then I am offended by your infringement of my individuality by not letting me choose my own words. Also, if you take the time to fuss about my use of a particular word, then you simply prove that you are more interested in semantics than listening to my view point, and should move on to the next thread.

"...This disclaimer may or may not apply to anyone born on a day ending in 'y', located exactly 4 degrees longitude east of the Mississippi, driving a 1974 Datsun hatchback. Please check with your local dealer for details."

... Which brings me to my point, and food for thought. In selecting our SO for life, could it be that we sabotage our own efforts? I am talking about when we “make plans in case it ends”. And please resist jumping in with “But we need those plans” as the need is not part of the point I am trying to make. It is my belief that if I make a plan of what to do if “She” takes off, then I am setting my sights on the 3 yard line, not the goal of staying together for life. If I start the relationship with a pre-nup, or separate (anything), then I am saying that I don't believe we will make it to the end.

On a more serious note, I personally never plan for a "just in case" scenario; that's probably why ends of relationships hit me so hard. I think DB might be on to something here: is it a jinx to assume that the relationship is going to end? Does that cause a person to hold something back that could have otherwise helped the relationship to grow and thrive?

A good friend of mine once said, "You don't jump part of the way out of the aircraft. Don't jump part of the way into a relationship."

Cheers!

Jim

[mantarraya]

You mention "over-thinking", a point I over looked. Could this be another possible road block to true happyness? There have been a few times when someone wanted me to "act resonably" in reguards to a woman. They told me to "Think with my head and not my heart". That would make me tend to believe that maybe we should think with our hearts and not our heads when it comes to matters of the heart.

I have learned to let my heart rule more than my head when it comes to relationships. Also, my nose, for that matter, because you just gotta smell right. If you go at it completely with your head, and think in terms of things like job and financial stability, common interests, etc., I think it is very possible that you will miss the boat on a great thing in that you will end up with someone that on the surface should be right for you, rather that someone that is right for you. In my experience, that can be someone that is very much like me, but more often, someone that is very different from me. As far as what my friends may think, sure their opinions matter, but I am not trying to impress my friends with my SO, just myself. They might think that the person I'm with doesn't make enough dough, have enough ambition, etc., but those things aren't that important to me, and as long that person is a good person and not the user,dependent type, I'm fine with that.