45 replies to this topic

[ScubaKim]

Ok, I have been out of the dating game for many years. About 6 to be exact. But I am now ready to start dating again.

But How?
Where do I Start?
Have the rules changed?

Here are a few of my concerns.

What do people do?

Do people kiss on the first date? Is it expected? Is more expected?

Who pays, will he be offended if I offer to pay 1/2 or do we take turns paying? or do I let him pay? Do I offer?

What is the grace period before I call him after date number 1?

How can you tell if there is going to be a date number 2?

What topics do I avoid on the first few dates?

Do I dress casual?

Any thing I missed?

I am so confused.

Edited by Marvel, 31 May 2004 - 08:04 PM.

[Lubold8431]

THings have changed ALOT. I cant keep up with it. The women now pay for everything, sex is usually expected on the first date, dont talk about your ex, dont moan and complain about your job or your friends, dont expect him to be a complete gentleman, and most importantly, dont build up your expectations.

I hate dating. Can you tell? Its become a lot more relaxed. Dont call it a date, I think that messes things up from the beginning. Casual dress, have a good time, and just get to know people. Going out with a group of people is good too, then you can see who you like and its alot less nerve racking than being one on one.

Good Luck!!!

[Diverbrian]

My latest rules...

The first date is a get-together, meeting, dinner together... anything but a date that confuses the primary issue of getting to know each other.

I screwed up with my last one and gave into primal urges on the first date. No more! Again it confuses the issue with getting to know each other.

To me, dating is like a series of job interviews for a full time partner. Sex confuses the issue completely. What I need is a pill that is the opposite of Viagara. That would solve most of my dating issues, LOL.

I thought that I was ready a couple of years ago. I wasn't and and screwed it up royally. Two women and three children have paid the price for that so far. I don't intend to try again any time in the foreseeable future. I have fun diving. That is a fair substitute and there is no one hurt by it. There is no confusion. The rules are spelled out, LOL.

Good luck to you! If you be yourself and act in a way that makes you comfortable, you should be fine.

[Diverbrian]

THings have changed ALOT. I cant keep up with it. The women now pay for everything, sex is usually expected on the first date, dont talk about your ex, dont moan and complain about your job or your friends, dont expect him to be a complete gentleman, and most importantly, dont build up your expectations.

I hate dating. Can you tell? Its become a lot more relaxed. Dont call it a date, I think that messes things up from the beginning. Casual dress, have a good time, and just get to know people. Going out with a group of people is good too, then you can see who you like and its alot less nerve racking than being one on one.

Good Luck!!!

Lubold,

I think the rules about mentioning ex's has been there from the beginning as is complaining about our lives. I can't think of a woman out there who wants someone else's baggage.

Oh, and the women that I have dated expect me to pay for dates. I am an old-school courting gentleman. They don't owe me a thing for me paying. They are doing me an honor for letting me be in their company for part of an evening.

[triggerfish]

kim,
go through the "what men like" section...there are a million posts on this subject.

i actually agree with lubold. casual is best.

if you ask him out, you pay. if he asks you, he should, or you could offer to split
(he does dinner, you do the movie kinda thing)

if you're really shy and think you may clam up at dinner and struggle for conversation, suggest something casual (golf? go to a driving range. bike? a ride. pull heads off flies? you're on your own , sistuh!)

topics? interests. hobbies. pets. what meds you're taking (oops...wait...that was for me...). don't badmouth ex-SO's. if HE does, remember....you could be his next subject.

kissing? go with the flow! if you feel like it, go 'head ON, girl!! if he makes your skin crawl, jump outta the car.


next date? see what it feels like at DateGroundZero. if you're having a great time, suggest something for the following weekend ("hey, the new lethal weapon movie opens next week, wanna go see it?"). if you're sitting there feeling like 'eh...it's something to do', or if he seems like HE'S feeling that way, play it by ear. if it's really kinda neutral...ok, but neutral...and you wouldn't mind seeing him again, wait a week. who knows? maybe it was just an off night for both of you.

whatever you do, don't try to be something you're not. you are what you are, and WHO you are is just fine the way you are.

this is why i have dogs.

good luck

[Walter]

Damn, TF, you're pretty sharp!

[triggerfish]

that explains those pointy things on my head.

[Sophia]

I entered the dating scene again 9 months ago after a 4 year hiatus. This is what I have recently learned, and wish I knew at 16.

Don't date just one person. It took a couple of months for the first date, but since then men have been coming out of the woodwork. They seem to know when you are dating someone else and are therefore not committment hungry. I am having an absolute blast.

Keep the first date very short. You learn a lot quickly on a first date, and personally I like to process the info before I get tired.

Try really hard to be yourself, and have fun without complaining - about anything.

Never call him after a first date. I know I am being a bit old-fashioned, but how are going to know if he is interested, or just being polite? My mother says it's OK to call, but then she is so desperate for grandkids that she told me it would be OK to have kids, THEN get married.

Kiss if he picked you up at your home, don't otherwise, and don't do any more. See reason for short dates.

Be willing to pay half, but only if he brings it up. Buddies split the bill. Dates pick the place and pay the bill.

[Diverbrian]

Sophia,

A couple of places where I am different than you. I believe in dating one person at time. The reason. If I become too attracted to more than one person, then I am forced to tell the one that thought that she had a chance that she didn't get chosen. That hurts me and her. I ran into that situation last year. I picked the wrong one and in the end wound up not dating either one. (Well, I dated the wrong one but am no longer with her. Meantime the one that I was thinking about dating got hurt a bit although she is now numbered among my best friends.) I see it as a case of "a bird in hand is better than two in the bush".

I want to get used to one person with no temptations to compare her to someone else. I am just not the world's greatest person at multi-tasking.

Also, if the woman has a busy schedule, I will pay for dates, etc. but often let her choose the times and places. I can take vacation or refuse overtime to date her and am willing to do that. Why shouldn't we find the most convenient time for her? That is basic consideration. After so many weekends of hearing "I'm busy" ,even if its legimate, I am going to get tired of asking and move onto greener pastures. If she names the times, then I don't have to be told "I'm busy" umpteen times which gets discouraging after so many times.

In the end, its diving season. I am busy diving/traveling most every weekend so I really don't have time to date which is really a good thing as far as I am concerned.

[Sophia]

DiverBrian,

Up until now, I have always been a one-at-a-time person. It is a legitimate way to go. That really stinks when you realize you made the wrong choice. I think I have done it several times. On the other hand, maybe the grass is always greener, etc. Which is why I decided to try dating this way. I'll eventually date someone exclusively, but only after I know that person well enough.

My schedule hasn't really been problem. Partly because I work from home, and my schedule is flexible. The only problem was when I received flowers from one person, and the next day I had a date with another person. I didn't know whether it was mean to leave them out, or deceitful to hide them. I consulted mother and she said to leave them out. It was a good thing I left them out, because although I have told everyone I am seeing other people, he assumed that had changed.

For ScubaKim, I still recommend the multiple people approach. Like me, she has been in a serious relationship with one person for a while. She needs to go out, have fun, and re-discover what wonderful people men are.

[ColoradoPilot]

What do people do?

Answer: Darn, I don't remember.

Do people kiss on the first date? Is it expected? Is more expected?

Answer: Kiss? Heck, I worry about touching hands.

Who pays, will he be offended if I offer to pay 1/2 or do we take turns paying? or do I let him pay? Do I offer?

Answer: He who asks pays. Do something outdoors.

What is the grace period before I call him after date number 1?

Answer: Let me get home first.

How can you tell if there is going to be a date number 2?

Answer: Still worrying about how to get date #1.

What topics do I avoid on the first few dates?

Answer: What flowers do you prefer at our wedding.

Do I dress casual?

Answer: If the event is casual, I like it.

Any thing I missed?

Answer: You did not ask for my phone number.

[Diverbrian]

Sophia:

I guess that I see your point there.

My situation is different. I have tried it both ways. I just had more success feeling wise sticking with one at a time for me. I have a bit of that "Golden Retriever" attitude and feel guilty when I am seeing more than one person at a time. It just doesn't work for me.

I can see it working for other people, but I just don't see dating as fun. Diving is fun! Dating is work with a significantly less (vice only somewhat less, LOL) than guaranteed success rate!

Again, I wish you all well. When I am meant to meet someone to share my life with, I figure that I will know it. Maybe I have met that person and things haven't started that far down the path yet. That would be even better. But, I just don't have it in me to make choices between people. This is why I am not a personell manager, LOL. I would hate the rejection notices.

Edited by Diverbrian, 31 May 2004 - 10:02 PM.

[Marvel]

I think that seeing someone initially in a group environment seems to work best for me. It's less of a pressure situation there & everyone is more apt to be themselves. I, too, am a one at a time dater- I've been in a VERY long distance relationship (he lived in Sweden) & we both stuck to that rule.

As to the asking out & post date situation, well, I'm kind of old fashion in outlook- I try to convey just how much I enjoyed spending time with the person but tend to wait for them to make the next move. I get uncomfortable & feel that I am being pushy if I don't. That's something that I am trying to work on. Of course, like CP, a first date would be nice to experience.....

Right now, I am obviously in the same boat as everyone else- can't seem to find anyone that I want to date. I am, however, content (most of the time) to trust that the right person will come along in the right time.

[Diverlady]

What do people do?

I think you stole that question from me ScubaKim since I did ask YOU for suggestions for a date I was going on recently!! LOL

I hear you on the confused part. I've been out of a LT relationship for about 7.5 yrs now and really not dated too much since but I did discover SCUBA in the time period which now takes up much of my time and money!

I haven't been able to work up the nerve to ask anyone out myself. I'm progressive in other avenues of my life but not that.

Do people kiss on the first date? Is it expected? Is more expected?
I think if you're attracted to the person and vice versa why not kiss but if he thinks he's getting further than that with me, he's in for a rude awakening! I've actually done the sleeping with someone right from the get-go and it does nothing to improve/further the relationship so I would suggest not doing that. Unless of course you're just looking for a one-nighter!!


Who pays, will he be offended if I offer to pay 1/2 or do we take turns paying? or do I let him pay? Do I offer?
I kind of feel that whoever does the asking should be offering to pick up the tab if the plans are made in advance. If the person asks to take you to a movie, then the asker has offered to pay already. If you decide what to do when you meet up with the person, then I'd offer to pay my share or say, the movie and munchies if he gets the dinner tab.
I do think this is a tricky area as I don't necessarily know the financial situation of the date. I would hate to think that having to cover the cost of the date is actually tough when I can easily contribute. Plus, I also feel that I "owe" something when my date pays for everything. I hate owing anyone anything whether it's just in my imagination or it's reality!!

What is the grace period before I call him after date number 1?
I think that depends on how the date ends. If he says he'll call, then I would wait for that call. If he leaves it up to me to call, then I'd probably wait a few days before calling.

How can you tell if there is going to be a date number 2?
You got me on that one!! I wish I knew!! Like CP, still waiting for date #1!!

What topics do I avoid on the first few dates?
I'd say any topics that you are very opinionated about. Politics would be one suggestion. Perhaps religion although that's a bit tricky. I think anything that could potentially cause a disagreement before you've had the chance to get to know the person is taboo. Get to know that person a bit first before you tackle the tough subjects.
Former flames has always been on the list however, I don't necessarily think that you need to totally avoid the topic. I was asked about a former SO on a first date. It was no big deal since it was a long time ago and my date asked me about it, I did NOT offer it up unsolicited.

Do I dress casual?
If you know what you're going to be doing then of course you'd dress appropriately for the event. If the event is not known, I'd dress casually particularly paying attention to wearing comfortable shoes!! You never know if what you're doing will require any amount of walking! And I always take a jacket/sweater appropriate for outdoor conditions. You can never be too careful about that and I would personally hate to appear high maintenance if we cut an activity short because it started to rain or got a bit chilly etc.

Any thing I missed?
Yes! Everyone is different and you never know what is going to happen on YOUR date so I'm sure something quirky will happen at some point that no one here thought to mention. That's the part that makes life interesting.

Diverlady (and apparently second-date challenged!!)

(Note to self, send PM to CP for #)

[Walter]

Verrrry interesting, as Artie Johnson would say....................

I'm sure you didn't mean it this way, but............

I haven't been able to work up the nerve to ask anyone out myself. I'm progressive in other avenues of my life but not that.............................I kind of feel that whoever does the asking should be offering to pick up the tab if the plans are made in advance.

..........looks like a plan. LOL (just teasing ya, darlin')

If he says he'll call, then I would wait for that call.

I never tell a date I'll call. Many women believe it means the guy is running as fast and as far as he can.

What topics do I avoid on the first few dates?

I never discuss PADI on a first date. Politics, religion and ex's are safe in comparison.

Do people kiss on the first date? Is it expected? Is more expected?

Nothing should be expected. You should be hoping to enjoy time with another person. It MIGHT include a kiss. Relax, enjoy, don't expect anything. Don't feel pressure to give anything. Be pleasant and have fun.

What is the grace period before I call him after date number 1?

Go with your gut, how did you feel? How much fun was he having?

How can you tell if there is going to be a date number 2?

He asks you and you accept or you ask him and he accepts.