67 replies to this topic

[sandiegocarol]

I certainly didn't intend to offend you. I was just curious how a guy like you with all of your talents goes without finding a life mate. I think "life itself" is made of compromise and if one really wants a lifetime companion they must be willing to make some compromises along the way. You might try finding someone with your interests and then adapting your life to share some of their interests as well. Otherwise you may always be overshadowing their value in the relationship.

[Twinklez]

I read the board a lot, Bill and many of the comments that I have read from you indicate that you are batchelor-oriented and not interested in having a serious relationship. Perhaps when you meet a woman you let them see only what you want them to see. Therefore if they do not see who you are it may be because you don't want them to know you that well. What do you think?

I've met Bill, and believe I can safely say that you are very much off point here. Bill is just that...Bill. When you walk into his home you see him...who he is, where his life has taken him, how he lives, you know his passions. There are no hidden agendas. There's none other like him and I wouldn't want to see him change to suit someone.

You're very close in proximity SandiegoCarol, maybe you'd consider taking a day to get to know a really great guy before making suggestions about his traits.

Edited by Twinklez, 26 July 2006 - 07:14 PM.

[Boatlawyer]

I certainly didn't intend to offend you. I was just curious how a guy like you with all of your talents goes without finding a life mate. I think "life itself" is made of compromise and if one really wants a lifetime companion they must be willing to make some compromises along the way. You might try finding someone with your interests and then adapting your life to share some of their interests as well. Otherwise you may always be overshadowing their value in the relationship.

Carol- I think Bill is being very honest in his responses, but that you are also right. He has stated his priorities and given what little I have read, seems happy with his choice to put his work passions ahead of a relationship. History is full of examples of men whose passion for life's work over-rode passion for a life mate. I am sure life with Winston Churchill, Picasso, or Thomas Edison was no walk in the park, and their significant others knew and accepted they would always come behind the work. Hard to imagine nowdays.

There are plenty of women who are willing to see themselves as a muse or support system to a man who is single minded about his work. I'm not volunteering, but I know they are out there.

Actually, I think you were pretty brave to put your observations out there!

[Twinklez]

Competition? Last I knew this wasn't a dating site and the people here were divers and friends and not competitors. No need to size anybody up less you intend on borrowing their wetsuit.

Sending out a message to the universe is a great idea; but I think Blackhawk said it best when he said "I'm me, isn't that enough?" It's not necessary to broadcast who you are, what you have to offer or what you're looking for. In fact doing so is likely to scare the dickens out of many of the potentials. Just be who you are...true to yourself and your convictions. Others will then see you for who you are and not what you "say" you are. If I have to point out all the wonderful little things about me to someone, he's probably not the person for me.

I'm guilty of changing myself to fit the wants and needs of my romantic interest. Again, the statement I keep repeating, "For over 20 years I've been someone else for someone else and now it's time to be me for me. To be honest, I think I really like who I am."

Twink, the competition comment was a joke, which I usually signify by placing an icon after. It would have to be a pretty lame-brained "competitor" to come right out and say it! The comment about boxing someone in, but leaving plenty of airholes and lettuce, was also a joke.

And as for this not being a "dating" site, that's true, but it is a "singles" site, and this particular forum is for issues relating to being single. I posted the thread after reading through others dealing with what men want, what women want, how each other thinks, where to find them and so forth. Consequently, the question of what one offers seemed relevant.

Clearly it's not "necessary" to broadcast what one offers, and of course "being who you are" is enough. The question, however, was not about being something other than what you are, it was about defining who you are; an entirely optional exercise, but one that seems a little more productive than trying to come up with a one-size-fits-all decoding and locating strategy for the opposite gender.

You said it yourself, that you are "guilty" (though I'm pretty sure it's no crime(joke alert)) of changing yourself to fit someone else's needs. At the risk of "scaring off" potentials, I'd rather do that than waste a lot of time with bad fits. But, that's just me.

Singledivers.com is NOT a singles site! It's a site for buddyless divers whether you are single or not and many of it's members are married. In fact, even our married members post in the "of interest to singles" threads.

Unless you're practicing some kind of guerilla warfare, I see no problem with letting the competition know you're out there...it's kind of like the 10 paces thing in a duel. But the fact is, none of us are here to compete. We're all here for a variety of reasons in addition to diving. Those of us who've been here awhile have come to know each other pretty well and have been supportive of each other through good and bad.

While none of us started off asking each other "what do you have to offer" we certainly have all been asking that of ourselves, and if you read those threads closely you'll see that. We've questioned our self worth and our value to ourselves and to others. We've explored our part in the problems we've experienced in relationships. We've evaluated our patterns of bad choices. The list goes on...and if we wish to continue to learn and grow...it should go on. Even when success and loving relationships are glorious parts of our lives, our practice of self reflection and evaluation should continue...and it does just that, right here.

[drbill]

I certainly didn't intend to offend you. I was just curious how a guy like you with all of your talents goes without finding a life mate. I think "life itself" is made of compromise and if one really wants a lifetime companion they must be willing to make some compromises along the way. You might try finding someone with your interests and then adapting your life to share some of their interests as well. Otherwise you may always be overshadowing their value in the relationship.

Wasn't offended... your observation just didn't make sense to me.

Living on Catalina makes it far more difficult to find a life partner who has a professional life of her own. There are few jobs here to satisfy a professional, and my business doesn't make enough yet to pay my bills much less those of two active partners. Island life isn't as idyllic as it may appear to some... I've seen plenty of folks come and go over the past five decades.

I just know what I want. I recognize there will be compromises even with the most ideal of partners, and I think I'd happily make them IF I felt things could progress in a m utually satisfying way. I don't see your last statement at all, at least not if she shares the same passions I do.

[drbill]

I've met Bill, and believe I can safely say that you are very much off point here. Bill is just that...Bill. When you walk into his home you see him...who he is, where his life has taken him, how he lives, you know his passions. There are no hidden agendas. There's none other like him and I wouldn't want to see him change to suit someone.

You're very close in proximity SandiegoCarol, maybe you'd consider taking a day to get to know a really great guy before making suggestions about his traits.

Thanks, Tina. I do like to think that what you see is what you get with me (and understand that there are many women who might not like what they "see"). Nice to have some confirmation. No one else like me? No wonder the world's in such a mess (just teasing).

[annasea]

<snip> I think "life itself" is made of compromise and if one really wants a lifetime companion they must be willing to make some compromises along the way. You might try finding someone with your interests and then adapting your life to share some of their interests as well. Otherwise you may always be overshadowing their value in the relationship.

I think you've made some excellent points here, sandiegocarol!

I occasionally read posts on another board where people are adamant about not having non-divers in their lives; not just as a partner but even as friends. I find that very limiting. I believe a willingness to compromise and broadening one's interests are admirable traits in a diver, or anyone in general.

[drbill]

Carol- I think Bill is being very honest in his responses, but that you are also right. He has stated his priorities and given what little I have read, seems happy with his choice to put his work passions ahead of a relationship. History is full of examples of men whose passion for life's work over-rode passion for a life mate. I am sure life with Winston Churchill, Picasso, or Thomas Edison was no walk in the park, and their significant others knew and accepted they would always come behind the work. Hard to imagine nowdays.

There are plenty of women who are willing to see themselves as a muse or support system to a man who is single minded about his work. I'm not volunteering, but I know they are out there.

Actually, I think you were pretty brave to put your observations out there!

Thanks for yours.

I am conten t with my life, but that does not mean I wouldn't welcome a little (or a lot) of human passion as well. Didn't those other guys have women in their lives (Picasso, I know, had plenty)?

However, I'm not looking for a muse or support system... I'm looking for an equal and equally passionate partner. Of course until I find it, I'll settle for a lot of unbridled sex!

[annasea]

<snip>

And as for this not being a "dating" site, that's true, but it is a "singles" site, and this particular forum is for issues relating to being single. I posted the thread after reading through others dealing with what men want, what women want, how each other thinks, where to find them and so forth. Consequently, the question of what one offers seemed relevant.<snip>

Singledivers.com is NOT a singles site! It's a site for buddyless divers whether you are single or not and many of it's members are married. In fact, even our married members post in the "of interest to singles" threads. <snip>

I think you're BOTH right. SD caters to single divers, whether they be married or not. This particular forum, while entitled "Of Interest to Singles & Married But Buddyless Divers!", does contain a sub-forum entitled, "Topics Related to being SINGLE!" -- "Want to discuss meeting other single divers? How about travel related issues pertaining to singles? Or relationship issues? Any topic specifically related to singles or married can be discussed in this forum."

Just as it also contains a sub-forum entitled, "The MARRIED & BUDDYLESS Gang..." -- "This forum is for our 'Married but Buddyless' Divers & 'Spoken For but Buddyless' divers!"

[sandiegocarol]

<snip> I think "life itself" is made of compromise and if one really wants a lifetime companion they must be willing to make some compromises along the way. You might try finding someone with your interests and then adapting your life to share some of their interests as well. Otherwise you may always be overshadowing their value in the relationship.

I think you've made some excellent points here, sandiegocarol!

I occasionally read posts on another board where people are adamant about not having non-divers in their lives; not just as a partner but even as friends. I find that very limiting. I believe a willingness to compromise and broadening one's interests are admirable traits in a diver, or anyone in general.

thank you - you and I need to talk - or not, maybe just dive and enjoy life the way it is supposed to be enjoyed. I just have a hard time understanding people who demand so much of others but take little time to look at themselves

[annasea]

Wow, Boatlawyer, quite the thread you've started here!

I don't think there was any negative intent behind sandiegocarol's initial musing; she was merely wondering why a man such as Bill (a *catch*) is still single. I didn't read anything that implied Bill was being insincere in his desires for a partner.

I believe Bill would like to be in a LTR again, but has set very definite standards as to what he's looking for:

I'm quite interested in a serious relationship, but not one that requires too many "compromises" especially if they relate to my diving and focus on building my business. This is why I have repeatedly stated I want a partner... someone with similar interests, "seriousness" (about diving and the business, not life itself), etc.<snip>

Because only a few lines were written, it's very easy to interpret it in varying ways. One possible way could be Bill is looking for someone to fit him. He requires someone who will be as passionate about his interests/business as he is. Such an interpretation leaves very little room for another person. She'd basically be a supplement to Bill's dreams.

Another way is because Bill is so passionate about his interests/business, he'd hate to find himself in a LTR with someone who wasn't. Bill realizes it would not be fair to either party as he does not wish to compromise his life work for a woman, and therefore has no right asking a woman to smother her dreams and identity for his.

As for desiring a sexual playmate, while Bill makes many jokes on board of a sexually explicit nature, I reckon for the most part, they're just that -- jokes. I had an opportunity to visit with Bill for 5 days last year over the xmas holidays, and found that there's so much more to him that rarely shows up on the board. This is the internet, after all... it's not until people actually meet and spend time together that they reveal themselves. (So while Bill CANNOT make a decent curry, he DOES make an excellent friend!)

Bill, I would have thought you'd be flattered that so many lovely and intelligent woman are giving you so much thought!

sandiegocarol, I'll be on Catalina from September 12th to 20th for my first dive trip! If you're able to, I'd love to meet and dive with you. I'm sure we'd have many things to talk about.

[sandiegocarol]

As for desiring a sexual playmate, while Bill makes many jokes on board of a sexually explicit nature, I reckon for the most part, they're just that -- jokes. I had an opportunity to visit with Bill for 5 days last year over the xmas holidays, and found that there's so much more to him that rarely shows up on the board. This is the internet, after all... it's not until people actually meet and spend time together that they reveal themselves. (So while Bill CANNOT make a decent curry, he DOES make an excellent friend!)

Bill, I would have thought you'd be flattered that so many lovely and intelligent woman are giving you so much thought!

sandiegocarol, I'll be on Catalina from September 12th to 20th for my first dive trip! If you're able to, I'd love to meet and dive with you. I'm sure we'd have many things to talk about.

I am inquisitive by nature and very interested in what makes people tick. I am sorry if I misread Bill's jokes on the board as being sincere. Catalina sounds interesting but I'm headed to Roatan for the Fantasy Island trip and I'd need a dry suit and a helluva lot of rum to get me in that cold water. I think you and I could have a lot of fun together so let's try to go on the same trip to someplace warm!! In the meantime, CHEERS!!

[gcbryan]

I know Bill doesn't need me to speak for him but it's just about chemistry isn't it. It's hard to define but when you are with the "right" person you don't feel that you are compromising and if you are with the wrong person there is no need to compromise.

I've noticed that there are two (at least) approaches to find the "right" person. You either go about your life in a happy, fullfilling way and let "chemistry" do what it's going to do anyway or you go out actively shopping for a mate. I chose the former but I've noticed that there are quite a few that choose the latter.

Whatever works.

Edited by gcbryan, 27 July 2006 - 10:52 AM.

[Boatlawyer]

I've noticed that there are two (at least) approaches to find the "right" person. You either go about your life in a happy, fullfilling way and let "chemistry" do what it's going to do anyway or you go out actively shopping for a mate. I chose the former but I've noticed that there are quite a few that choose the later.

Whatever works.

Hey, I'm with you on that! I am pretty happy to let nature take its course, as rocky and meandering as that can be. And that became a lot easier once I evaluated what I offer and what I expect in return. Now, I really am not that concerned with "what men want" "where to find them" and "What does it all meeeaaannnn?" because I know what the real deal will look like, and that that person is "looking" for me in the same place I am "looking" for him! In the meantime, I am having a great time with all the interlopers!

[cmt489]

Everyone - please remember that we have a policy of respect on this board. Also remember that sarcasm and whit does not always show through with the typed word. The tone is read how the reader wishes to read it. Just as I am sure that Carol did not mean to offend, I am sure that others did not as well. This being said, readers took the tone not as intended and things have escalated. I ask that ALL personal attacks stop and that we remove all personal references from any future posts unless they apply to yourself. IMO, this is a good thread with interesting information. I would like to be able to keep it as such. In order to keep this thread open, please note that no further attacks, direct or indirect, will be tolerated.

Thank you all for abiding by our rules.

Michelle