12 replies to this topic

[Twinklez]

Where are all the nice guys? Well all I can say is we are out there but when you reach a certian age ane and it differs for every one (over 40 under 50) life become a little more dificult. How do you find a nice single lady who can take care of themselves and allow you to be the person that you are? I am a single dad I have raised my daughter from the age of three and she is currently in college needless to say she and I have a very special relationship and I find that women I meet have a very hard time understanding that I can't and won't give them 100% of me because my daughter will always come first. Now that is not to say that there can't be two ladies in my life but I find that most women around my age are devorced and have kids of thier own and they expect me to accept the fact that they are single moms and have a reponsiblity to thier kids ut wont't accept the same aout me and my kid. Maye I've just met the wrong people but it sure can get frustraiting

Having spent most of my child-rearing years as a single mom I struggled in many ways. I remember some of the things that I was told made me an undesireable partner for the single men I met. (1st) I didn't start getting child support until my boys were almost grown so my finances were often strained. (2nd) I was raising boys without a father who was present so they didn't really relate well to the few men that dared to enter our lives. (3rd) Not wanting to leave my boys with babysitters made it difficult for one-on-one time with the man in my life - when there was one. (4th) Realizing that those few men were all in some way jealous of my relationship and time spent with my sons - how do you balance that?

My second husband had a 12 year old daughter. If we sat on the sofa together she would squeeze in between us. Not because she wanted to sit between us but because she wanted to be between us. Not wanting to make matters worse, I would often sit in the chair instead of next to him. I just simply refused to participate in her battle. He viewed my actions as losing interest in him.

We had been married 4 years and had never danced together. I expressed my desire to dance with him many times. One night while having friends over for BBQ and a few drinks around the fire, our friend wrapped his arms around his wife and started dancing with her. My husband looked over at me and then turned to his daughter and extended his arms to her - they danced. I was crushed - she was delighted. I had tried so hard to love her and be her friend, but no matter how understanding I tried to be about their relationship I ended up hurt.

So now here I am...boys all raised. Seems like most of the men in the age group I'm interested in have small children, and many of them teenage daughters. I won't lie - I tend to shy away from men with children, especially young adolescent daughters.

Looking back I can say this with all of my heart: Your children will grow up and meet partners of their own and start their own lives putting themselves and their significant others first above all else. Children from broken homes tend to be insecure about their relationships with their parents. They need to know that you will always be there for them. But they also need to know that you deserve love and happiness of a different kind as well.

It can't be one or the other ALWAYS first - it has to be a fair balance between the two that leaves both your child(ren) and your mate feeling happy, fulfilled and secure. If you don't have enough love for both or can't balance the two, then the dating game should wait until you can give your partner the priority that he or she deserves and gives to you.

Edited by Twinklez, 01 January 2007 - 12:51 AM.

[Racer184]

When considering your male friend and his daughter, look at your situation from everyone elses point of view. You will always put your kids #1 over your boyfriend/husbands etc. We all do, and we expect you to do this also.

The solution is very simple, although it is something none of us like much.
All I had to do was get old enough that the women I meet are old enough that they do not have kids living at home.

[Twinklez]

When considering your male friend and his daughter, look at your situation from everyone elses point of view. You will always put your kids #1 over your boyfriend/husbands etc. We all do, and we expect you to do this also.

The solution is very simple, although it is something none of us like much.
All I had to do was get old enough that the women I meet are old enough that they do not have kids living at home.

I disagree. We are all different, and feel differently about different things; so we behave differently. We don't all do it the same way. We do things out of insecurity, or martyrdom, or pride, or morality, and sometimes just for love; but we don't all do them the same. If we all always put our children first there would be no children in this world without at least one parent and most would have two full-time.

No, I believe that a child growing up needs to share. I believe a child needs to know that the cup overflowing with love doesn't run out just because someone else now drinks from it too. And love, love is something that is shared. You give it and receive it. I believe a child needs to learn to open his/her heart wide and take in love from more than just one person. We can share our love equally between two children; why can't we share our love equally between our children and our mate?

It's a balancing act. While it's much harder for a blended family or a single parent; even married parents must balance time and attention with their kids and mates lest love fall by the wayside.

Edited by Twinklez, 01 January 2007 - 08:20 AM.

[annasea]

Interesting topic. I've got a few thoughts on this but will keep it short for the moment and simply agree with Tina:

It's a balancing act. While it's much harder for a blended family or a single parent; even married parents must balance time and attention with their kids and mates lest love fall by the wayside.

[jholley309]

Interesting topic. I've got a few thoughts on this but will keep it short for the moment and simply agree with Tina:

It's a balancing act. While it's much harder for a blended family or a single parent; even married parents must balance time and attention with their kids and mates lest love fall by the wayside.

My own personal experience with other women's kids is somewhat limited, but the one serious relationship I had where she had pre-existing offspring was kinda scary and tough for me to figure out. I kept feeling like all my energy was going toward my relationship with her, and not so much toward building a relationship with the boys. The not-so-simple fact is that anytime kids are involved, they become part of the package. Now instead of winning only one heart, you've got at least two to think about, more if you're really brave/crazy. The kids are part of her, and she's part of the kids. Period. Any attempt to maintain any seperation is doomed to eventual failure. At best, resentment and anger will eventually overcome love and dedication and at worst, you're asking a woman to cut herself off from her own flesh and blood at some level or another. Having had some firsthand experience with cutting oneself off from one's own child, that is not a decision I would ever even passingly consider asking of anyone else. Ever. That way lies badness, and nothing good can come of it. Trust me.

So, kids make a complicated and fragile process even more complicated and fragile, particularly if you're like me and want to have at least one more with your beloved. There's no simple answer. But I do know one thing: Tina makes a good point when she mentions a cup overflowing with love; if it's overflowing, that means there's plenty for everyone. The trick is to convince everyone of that.

Cheers!

Jim

[WreckWench]

But I do know one thing: Tina makes a good point when she mentions a cup overflowing with love; if it's overflowing, that means there's plenty for everyone. The trick is to convince everyone of that.

Both Tina and Jim are right...the problem is in a world that lacks an overflow of love on most levels...people no longer have a proper reference point.

[Cold_H2O]

Having been married more than once ~ Children came from the first marriage.
I have to agree with Tina. There is always room to love more than one special person.

I raised 4 kids. While I love them all ~ I love each one differently.
They are all my kids but with their own set of emotions and needs.
I can't love them all in the same way.

My oldest son is a smarta$$ ~ So our "love" tends to be more on the sassy witty side.

My second son is more the quiet thinker type ~ So for him I must be very careful with my words and allow him to be in control of his own destiny.

My daughter is very much like me ~ feisty and very independent. She was a very easy child to raise.
Self governing and able to make the right choices without me proding her along.

My youngest son is a handful ~ He does not often make wise choices.
Hard to prove to a child that you do love him when you are always being the enforcer.

Having a man deal with me is asking for alot already. Asking him to accept my kids and their unique and diverse personalities ~ Well there is a reason I have been single for almost 10 years.
At least I think that might be part of it.
I worked full time and with 4 kids at home had very little time to date.

Having shared WAY too Much... my point is....
While I was busy with my kids ~ I did a serious relationship for several years.
I was lucky to have found a man who was able to see that while my kids took much of my time and love, there was alway enough left over for him. For many reasons and none of them child related the relationship did end. We are still friends.

I never felt like I was choosing between them ~ who do I love today or who gets first cut of my free time.
It is tough to do but with the right partner it can be done.
I never allowed my kids to be between us and I never allowed him to make my kids take a backseat to him.
I do understand the love and committment of a parent. I am not afraid to date a man with kids but I will not stay in a relationship where I am always second choice.

Tina ~ You have every right to be hurt about your ex-husband dancing with his daughter over you.
I would have been crushed.

Kids have a place in your life... so does a partner.
A sick child is a reason to cancel a date. A child who does not want their parent to ever go out... is not.

Edited by gis_gal, 01 January 2007 - 10:12 PM.

[annasea]

<snip>
Kids have a place in your life... so does a partner.
A sick child is a reason to cancel a date. A child who does not want their parent to ever go out... is not.

For the sake of space, I snipped all but the last bit. What a wonderful mother you are, Colleen!

to infinity...

[Cold_H2O]

[drbill]

If dating a woman who has kids, I try to make sure they are old enough to be out of the house (college will do). Seriously, I love kids (even my own), but am not at a time in my life when I want to raise more.

[WreckWench]

<snip>
Kids have a place in your life... so does a partner.
A sick child is a reason to cancel a date. A child who does not want their parent to ever go out... is not.

For the sake of space, I snipped all but the last bit. What a wonderful mother you are, Colleen!

to infinity...

I concur! Very sage advice!

[jeff]

Dating a single mother is a way of life now. There is not much way around it unless the kids are grown and out of the house. The day after I proposed, we were having lunch with her mother, and she was telling about the previous night and said she answered yes because I knew she was three people. She has great kids that were old enough for us to get to know each other. I wanted to include them in the stuff we did. They were our best people in our marriage, which ment alot to me because they accepted me. The kids had nothing to do with our divorce. I would date another woman with kids.

[zesach]

As a parent, the kids come first; I would think a measure of the worth of the parent (as a partner/boyfriend/girlfriend) is how comfortable the kids are that they're loved and a priority, and through that a lack of jealousy toward the new person.

The people I date know I have kids, but when we're together, the kids aren't around, and the focus is on the date and not the kids. If it gets more serious, then the kids get introduced, and we do fun (adult+kid) things together so that the kids see my girlfriend as someone with whom they can have fun, but still have separate adult time.

If I had been in the situation at the dance, I would have told you beforehand that my daughter was going to get the first dance, but that you'd get the rest of the dances.