57 replies to this topic

[scubagirl]

This got me to thinking......which can be quite dangerous. I made a list of certain characteristics I had to have in my future partner about a month after I divorced. I would describe him as a "real man", others may not. So I am going to go with the opinion that each one of us has different ideas of the real man. So far, I think I have found him. Scubapunk likes him so that is a plus!!!!!

Edited by scubagirl, 13 February 2007 - 04:34 PM.

[Brinybay]

Edited by Brinybay, 23 March 2007 - 06:43 PM.

[Twinklez]

For those of you having a hard time waiting for the Wench to come back to know what to think:

A real man is a real man even in the absence of a woman.

I agree with you Moose; it has nothing to do with the absence or presence of a woman. Break it down a little:

real - genuine; not counterfeit, artificial, or imitation; actual or true, authentic; actual as opposed to imaginary

man - an adult male, a person, a male over, a husband; a male having qualities considered typical of men or appropriately masculine;

But the bottom line is that we aren't really sure what draws us to the people we are drawn to. We just know it when we see it, provided we ever even give ourselves the chance to see it. Too often, we just don't open enough to give things a chance to happen. I've certainly done that more than once in the past, and had to make a conscious effort to try to change the way I presented myself, and interacted with men to finally get one I want to try to keep.

Oh, we know what draws us. We may not want to admit it (not even to ourselves), but we know. I agree that we know it when we see it, or we think we do. It may be the thought of hot steamy sex, it may be financial security, it may be someone to care for or mother, someone to father us; or it could be a whole handful of other things.

When we don't open up it can be for a variety of reasons - not all necessarily bad. Sometimes we recognize that what draws us is not necessarily a good thing; or maybe we're just ready - not stable enough after a falling out; or too busy with our quests in life to be able to participate equally in a relationship. Then again, maybe we're just scared.

but if he is a "real man" in a way that does not attract a woman

This is what I've dealt with all my life. I realize that my chosen profession will most likely leave me single for my entire life. Lets face it, not many women want to be with a man that spent half his life learning on our to kill someone, and the other half learning to save them. Not to mention that I'm always "on call." It's not uncommon for me to get a call in the middle of the night, and then within 12 hours, be in some hotspot in the armpit of the world. Oh, I can’t discuss what I’m doing there or even where exactly I am.

It’s not really conducive to healthy relationship. This is one of the reasons I’ve resigned myself to just being single for the rest of my life. (That is until Sunshinediver’s proposition!)

I recently dated a man who said to me, "I'm gone so much, I wouldn't wish myself on anybody." The first thought that came to mind was "Then why the hell did you ask me out???" The second thought was he's playing the sympathy card "Poor me, I'm gone so much that no one would ever be able to love me." And then finally, I realized that he was really saying, "I just want to pop in now and again for a quickie with no expectations and be on my way."

Ask yourself, "Do I use what I do for a living and who I am to sabotage my own happiness? Have I used it to build a wall to protect myself from a danger I perceive is greater mortal combat?" That danger would be love, or the fear of rejection, even the fear of losing love once found.

Why do we have to have lists that categorizes the "perfect" man?

We're defining a "real" man here, not a perfect man. Who says they're one and the same? My perception of a real man is very imperfect, but honest with integrity, consideration, respect, and humility among other things. It's not what he does for a living, or how big his biceps are, whether or not he can hunt and fish, change a tire or build a house. It's who he is on the inside.

[He] is enough to keep quiet about other womens' asses, other than perhaps feigning (very well) no more than an academic interest in other womens' asses. Hence, he remains my SO.....

Why is this necessary? Is it wrong that our SO's look at, or comment on the physical attractiveness of others? Does this mean they appreciate us less? Most of my former GF's would point out attractive women to me and we both commented on things. It was never a point of contention.

Personally, I don't see anything wrong in appreciating beauty in all it's forms. As long as he or she is taking care of things at home, and providing love, why should it matter?

Just cause you keep her well done on a daily basis doesn't mean it won't hurt if she thinks you like looking at someone else more than you like looking at her.

I once had a bf that really enjoyed when I pointed out a beautiful or sexy woman to him. Oddly enough it made him want me more. What I came to learn is that when someone really knows you inside and out, it doesn't matter so much what your body or face looks like as much as the love and respect for, and confidence in yourself that you project. That is what makes you beautiful and sexy to him. He wasn't afraid to touch the fluffy parts of my body when we made love; in fact, he caressed me like I was his own private goddess. That's how I felt and that's what I projected.

Ok, back to Mantarraya's earlier statement: This guy made me feel like a real woman; but I'll tell you right now that he was not in any sense of the word a real man. He was not honest, he ran out on his son, he was not brave, he ended up cheating with one of those sexy women I pointed out and I could go on but I think you get the picture. Being a real man has absolutely nothing to do with how sexy or beautiful a man makes you feel. It's his thoughts and actions that determine what kind of man he is.

My 2psi

Edited by Twinklez, 13 February 2007 - 11:04 PM.

[Twinklez]

Click here for the Real Man Quiz.

Edited by Twinklez, 13 February 2007 - 11:18 PM.

[Moose]

I recently dated a man who said to me, "I'm gone so much, I wouldn't wish myself on anybody." The first thought that came to mind was "Then why the hell did you ask me out???" The second thought was he's playing the sympathy card "Poor me, I'm gone so much that no one would ever be able to love me." And then finally, I realized that he was really saying, "I just want to pop in now and again for a quickie with no expectations and be on my way."

Ask yourself, "Do I use what I do for a living and who I am to sabotage my own happiness? Have I used it to build a wall to protect myself from a danger I perceive is greater mortal combat?" That danger would be love, or the fear of rejection, even the fear of losing love once found.

I can unequivocally say that I do NOT do this.

I am NOT looking for a “quickie” here and there. In fact, I wish that I could get to a more stable lifestyle. If I found the right person, I would hope that she would be looking to move in together with me. I’m, in no way, looking for a temporary situation or game playing role.

It’s just that when you work in my field, you don’t have all the luxuries of a normal life. Finding someone to understand that is very difficult if not impossible. How do you explain to your wife, “Sorry honey, I know we’ve been planning this holiday trip for 6 months, but some idiot in Jordan blew up a hotel and I need to go there, right now. I have no idea when I’ll be home. Oh yeah, I may not even be able to call you for a few days.”

I’m not alone in this. All the guys I work with face the same problems and difficulties. We often discus this very issue. The only consolation we have is, “This is the life we choose, someone has to do it, and we need to put the greater good ahead of personal happiness.”

That is why it means so much to us to have someone thank us for our jobs. Because that is all we really get in return for a life of solitude. What is worst is that most people never know what we do because we stopped something from happening.

Once we retire, there is hope for us to return to something that resembles a normal life, but that is later in life.

If I had to do it again, I’d be writing this letter from a teacher’s lounge waiting for my 6th period science class to begin. Those elementary school kids need someone to show them how to make a faux volcano!

[Basslet]

Why is it that the vast majority of things that make women happiest, seem to be "undefinable, or indescribable", but yet they expect men to not only be able to do them, but also to know when to do them and when they aren't doing it quite right?

I've always found this quite curious.

Another curiousity to me is that women invariable describe men as poor communicators in relationships, yet when men ask things like, "What's wrong?" the answer is often nothing, yet the woman expects the man to ignore this answer, *search his heart and mind*, figure out what's wrong, and then fix it.

Clearly these are stereotypes, but they are born of real scenarios played out in tens of thousands of relationships.

The Post of the Year. Period.

I have to agree. Sometimes I wonder how men can put up with women. Some of them I meet are just so...I don't know the word....shallow? Phoney? Vapid? I know there are plenty of men like that too, but I don't think I am the "typical" woman.

[Dennis]

I have to agree. Sometimes I wonder how men can put up with women. Some of them I meet are just so...I don't know the word....shallow? Phoney? Vapid? I know there are plenty of men like that too, but I don't think I am the "typical" woman.

Ellen,

As far as I can tell, there is nothing "typical" about you. And although we've never met face to face, I know we could be good friends. Have a happy Valentine's day young lady.

[Basslet]

I have to agree. Sometimes I wonder how men can put up with women. Some of them I meet are just so...I don't know the word....shallow? Phoney? Vapid? I know there are plenty of men like that too, but I don't think I am the "typical" woman.

Ellen,

As far as I can tell, there is nothing "typical" about you. And although we've never met face to face, I know we could be good friends. Have a happy Valentine's day young lady.

Thank you. I'll take that as a compliment. Maybe that's why my son had the ringtone on his phone play Superfreak whenever I was calling.

[shadragon]

Click here for the Real Man Quiz.

Thought I would fall for that didn't you...? Real men don't do quizzes...

[ScubaPunk]

This got me to thinking......which can be quite dangerous. I made a list of certain characteristics I had to have in my future partner about a month after I divorced. I would describe him as a "real man", others may not. So I am going to go with the opinion that each one of us has different ideas of the real man. So far, I think I have found him. Scubapunk likes him so that is a plus!!!!!

Absolutely Girl. You done good! He's a keeper.

[Stephi]

I recently dated a man who said to me, "I'm gone so much, I wouldn't wish myself on anybody." The first thought that came to mind was "Then why the hell did you ask me out???" The second thought was he's playing the sympathy card "Poor me, I'm gone so much that no one would ever be able to love me." And then finally, I realized that he was really saying, "I just want to pop in now and again for a quickie with no expectations and be on my way."

Ask yourself, "Do I use what I do for a living and who I am to sabotage my own happiness? Have I used it to build a wall to protect myself from a danger I perceive is greater mortal combat?" That danger would be love, or the fear of rejection, even the fear of losing love once found.

I can unequivocally say that I do NOT do this.

I am NOT looking for a “quickie” here and there. In fact, I wish that I could get to a more stable lifestyle. If I found the right person, I would hope that she would be looking to move in together with me. I’m, in no way, looking for a temporary situation or game playing role.

It’s just that when you work in my field, you don’t have all the luxuries of a normal life. Finding someone to understand that is very difficult if not impossible. How do you explain to your wife, “Sorry honey, I know we’ve been planning this holiday trip for 6 months, but some idiot in Jordan blew up a hotel and I need to go there, right now. I have no idea when I’ll be home. Oh yeah, I may not even be able to call you for a few days.”

I’m not alone in this. All the guys I work with face the same problems and difficulties. We often discus this very issue. The only consolation we have is, “This is the life we choose, someone has to do it, and we need to put the greater good ahead of personal happiness.”

That is why it means so much to us to have someone thank us for our jobs. Because that is all we really get in return for a life of solitude. What is worst is that most people never know what we do because we stopped something from happening.

Once we retire, there is hope for us to return to something that resembles a normal life, but that is later in life.

If I had to do it again, I’d be writing this letter from a teacher’s lounge waiting for my 6th period science class to begin. Those elementary school kids need someone to show them how to make a faux volcano!

Thank you for what you do. If you had to do it all over again, I'd hope that you would choose the same life. It's funny, because about a month ago, I was trying to decide what I would do if I could do it all over again. ...I wanted to be a rescue diver. That may seem strange now at my age...my health...my family. I'd have to go way back and make a lot of changes...but at that moment, that's what I decided I would have wanted to do.

[jonjon]

I have been reading these post concerning "real men" and it always amazes me when I hear comments about men versus women and one side or the other has better morals values etc. Also what should be the ideal mate blah blah blah. I have found with my worldly travels and relationships and witnessing other peoples relationships that people are just people, men and women have the same ideas, flaws, insecuritys, sex drives and so on. I am currently single {by choice} I have been married and have raised children so I have some say here, my ex-spouse would want to be comital one month and the next month dreamed of being single, a roller coaster ride from hell, for all involved. I have been in relationships that I thought would last forever, then something untolerable would surface on one side of the relationship to destroy it, {for me it's ugly unwarranted jealousy, so much garbage comes with that}
We as modern humans live in a fast moving complicated world, grandma and grandpa lived in a different times than we {unless you are over 65} I guess what I am saying is, I am not looking for the perfect relationship anymore, I have come to the conclusion that is only a fantasy. I have made up my mind to live life from day to day at the fullest looking for friends where ever I may find them and if by some freak incident the right one comes along and we find each other tolerable----- it could happen!
John

[Stephi]

Ditto John. There are jerks on both sides. I've been single by choice too since '89--raised two kids and now have a grandson. The last guy I dated was a 'dream'--a real gentleman in every way--bought me all kinds of junk and trinkets--wanted to get married and all that garbage. Then I incurred nerve damage in my arm that he thought was going to be permanent (he was a male nurse) and he was out of here in a flash--left skid marks. He was also very insecure--woke me up that morning at 2AM to discuss "issues" when I was in severe pain and had to get up at 5AM to go to work. Well, I'm glad he's gone. After I got my arm working again, he tried to call me several times but I've never spoken to him since. Good ridance. I'm perfectly happy as long as I can find a diving buddy.