29 replies to this topic

[Brinybay]

Here is a simple question and one that has been discussed on the periphery of other threads.

What is your cut-off distance for maintaining a relationship?

Different answers for different folks. If it necessitates an overnight stay, one or both of you would need the means to travel w/o it putting a bind on your finances.

For me personally, based on recent experiences, I'm not going to even entertain the idea of a LDR. The last one (and only LDR now that I think about it) turned out to be such a flake (and I'm being nice) that from now on I'm staying close to home. That would mean close enough driving distance to see each other more than once a week, which in turn means I can find out if they're flaky before I waste a couple hundred dollars on a plane ticket.

[georoc01]

Having done long distance relationships my entire dating life, with technology, its much easier to do so now than it was 20 years ago. In fact, doing one 1000 miles apart now is easier than a 200 mile difference back then. And with all of the travel my job has required over the last few years, even being local didn't matter as much as I was on the road 1/2 the time.

That said, its always harder than local dating. And at some point someone or both need to compromise to move to the same city. If neither is willing to do so, than the relationship is going nowhere.

[finGrabber]

I'd say it depends on your comfort level with communicating with someone you can't see everyday

and, for it work, sooner or later someone will have to move; many years ago my Mom was dying from cancer so I wouldn't/couldn't move..now I would for the right guy in a heartbeat

[WreckWench]

<<<STUFF DELETED TO SAVE SPACE>>>

But I would never do a LDR for years- no matter how much I thought I loved someone- one of us would have to eventually move, or move on.

Touche! This is the most concise, and perfect response to LDRs I have read.

SPOT ON JellyFishLuv....This is a great summary of how it works and when it doesn't!

[WreckWench]

Here is a simple question and one that has been discussed on the periphery of other threads.

What is your cut-off distance for maintaining a relationship?

Uh...I don't know! Still trying to figure it out!

[WreckWench]

It’s really hard to quantify the distance until you are actually placed into that situation. I don’t think anybody purposely tries to meet somebody who is geographically undesirable. Sometimes it just happens, and when it does, it’s up to both parties to decide whether or not to persue a long distance relationship. If there are feelings and a mutual attraction, then the distance really doesn’t matter to me.

I do agree with Jellyfishluv about how technology makes a huge difference these days. With cell phones, especially the “friends & family” type plans, you can talk for hours everyday and not worry about high phone bills. Plus with email, there’s no reason why you can’t keep the communication lines open and flowing. Truthfully I communicate more with people who are a 1,000 or more miles away from me than I do with some folks who live right here in Birmingham!

Anyway, it all boils down to flexibility, because if the relationship continues for a long period of time, eventually somebody is going to have to move, or the relationship will need to end.

Part of the difference is that you can't just 'hang out' so you actually talk more about things that you would not talk about if you were closer. So in the early days...you can gain ground on a traditional relationship. However if communicating via email, phone, and in general is not your forte...then do not try the LDR....it will not work for you. And after you have leapfrogged ahead initially...if you do not spend face time together where they see you day in and day out...then a very important side of you/them is missing. Visits are nice but they are like vacations...you plan for them and you execute them. Being around someone without being planned is entirely different and you need that once you've reached a certain point in the relationship to make it work. Seeing how someone handles stress or grief or problems in real life day in and day out is entirely different from what you see via phone, email, etc.

[WreckWench]

I agree in principle with this but it is a lot harder to do than say. Living in the Caribbean I have had a few LDR's that didn't work out. I guess I just need to find a woman that think like the great ones here at SD.

First find a diver...they will LOVE to come and visit in T&C!!!

Second find the kind of woman who is secure enough to follow her passion for diving and DOES belong to a site like this. While not everyone on this site is looking for someone...most of us would entertain the idea IF the right one came along. Again not that we are looking...and I can assure you I was not...but then I didn't pass up a great thing when he found me either!)

However being on a site like this speaks volumes of the calibre of people in general and the women in particular. They are secure, they love to dive, they choose to dive and they pay their own way! It doesn't get any better than that!!!

[diverdeb]

I agree in principle with this but it is a lot harder to do than say. Living in the Caribbean I have had a few LDR's that didn't work out. I guess I just need to find a woman that think like the great ones here at SD.

First find a diver...they will LOVE to come and visit in T&C!!!

Second find the kind of woman who is secure enough to follow her passion for diving and DOES belong to a site like this. While not everyone on this site is looking for someone...most of us would entertain the idea IF the right one came along. Again not that we are looking...and I can assure you I was not...but then I didn't pass up a great thing when he found me either!)

However being on a site like this speaks volumes of the calibre of people in general and the women in particular. They are secure, they love to dive, they choose to dive and they pay their own way! It doesn't get any better than that!!!

[Moose]

Ok, here is one point I want to make about LDRs that hasn’t been brought up, yet it is what I noticed in every LDR that I’ve tried or seen others try.

When you aren’t “with” someone in person, your mind builds an image of them in your head. You IMAGE how they will be and how they will act. Of course, your mind will always have them act in a way that makes you perfectly happy. In reality, NO ONE will ever live up to your perfect ideal of them. I believe that this exact phenomenon is actually studied and documented in behavioral academics. When you finally do get to be with that person on a normal basis, your ideal vision of them is shattered and you think the person “has changed.”

Here is an example, you start dating a person (we’ll call them “Pat”) that you met on-line. You meet a few times in person and things seem to be going great.

During the course of your normal live, you image how the other person will “fit in.” Maybe one day it’s raining and you think, “Gee, I wish Pat was here. We could cuddle on the on couch and watch a movie.” Then, you start looking forward to having Pat there and cuddling on the couch.

When Pat finally moves there, and it’s raining, maybe Pat wants to go out and shop at the mall or something. Maybe Pat doesn’t like watching movies on TV when it’s raining. It’s not that Pat has a personality flaw or anything, it’s just that you imaged them reacting in one way when that isn’t them. At that point, you can only be disappointed.

Now, I’m sure that you are thinking, “Hell, I don’t mind. I can live with not cuddling all the time it rains.” And you’re right. You can easily compromise on small issues like this example. HOWEVER, with a LDR, you do this with EVERY situation. So you are building a person up to be someone that they can NEVER be. You will find yourself being disappointed more and more and compromising ALL the time.

I’m not saying that LDRs can’t work. I’m saying that I think they are an uphill battle, at best and I would never try another one. I cut it off at a 2 hour drive, one way.

[WreckWench]

Ok, here is one point I want to make about LDRs that hasn’t been brought up, yet it is what I noticed in every LDR that I’ve tried or seen others try.

When you aren’t “with” someone in person, your mind builds an image of them in your head. You IMAGE how they will be and how they will act. Of course, your mind will always have them act in a way that makes you perfectly happy. In reality, NO ONE will ever live up to your perfect ideal of them. I believe that this exact phenomenon is actually studied and documented in behavioral academics. When you finally do get to be with that person on a normal basis, your ideal vision of them is shattered and you think the person “has changed.”

Here is an example, you start dating a person (we’ll call them “Pat”) that you met on-line. You meet a few times in person and things seem to be going great.

During the course of your normal live, you image how the other person will “fit in.” Maybe one day it’s raining and you think, “Gee, I wish Pat was here. We could cuddle on the on couch and watch a movie.” Then, you start looking forward to having Pat there and cuddling on the couch.

When Pat finally moves there, and it’s raining, maybe Pat wants to go out and shop at the mall or something. Maybe Pat doesn’t like watching movies on TV when it’s raining. It’s not that Pat has a personality flaw or anything, it’s just that you imaged them reacting in one way when that isn’t them. At that point, you can only be disappointed.

Now, I’m sure that you are thinking, “Hell, I don’t mind. I can live with not cuddling all the time it rains.” And you’re right. You can easily compromise on small issues like this example. HOWEVER, with a LDR, you do this with EVERY situation. So you are building a person up to be someone that they can NEVER be. You will find yourself being disappointed more and more and compromising ALL the time.

I’m not saying that LDRs can’t work. I’m saying that I think they are an uphill battle, at best and I would never try another one. I cut it off at a 2 hour drive, one way.

Interesting concept...I have had nothing but LDR's for the most part in my life...and I haven't really experienced this to the degree that you have. I did spend a lot of time reflecting on what we did have...how he looked at me the last time we were together or how I felt. Afterall we have more time then anything else apart.

In your example of what I would do with that person...since I talk on the phone to my LDR all the time I'd say...hey its raining here and I can just imagine us snuggled up on the couch watching the rain. At that point they would say, yuck...I hate snuggling up on the couch when it rains I just want to go shopping or clean the garage etc.

I guess since we use the phone to compensate for not being with one another we talk about these types of issues and my mind does not develop a mental picture of someone that is as far off base. I just ask about such things and use them as great topics for our next phone call.

I also find on a positive note that you are more complementary to each other in a LDR. I guess you *speak* more than you would otherwise and you *verbalize* your feelings more which is very powerful. In fact it is so powerful that you may not want it to stop merely becuase you are *with* someone and now the need to always *talk* to them is diminished.

[CaptSaaz]

Dan and I were approximately 3500 miles apart........which breaks down to a 3 1/2 hour plane ride and lots of emails and phone calls - and determination!!

I'll edit this to 1500 miles but it's still a major LDR. Like Michelle and Tolly... it takes patience and a commitment to have it work. Also, if things are right, you have to make a move. LDR's don't last the test of time... you need to be together physically. And tho Sandy moved to NY, it was with the promise that when I retire in 3 1/2 years, we move back to Texas.

[Starfish Sandy]

Dan and I were approximately 3500 miles apart........which breaks down to a 3 1/2 hour plane ride and lots of emails and phone calls - and determination!!

I'll edit this to 1500 miles but it's still a major LDR. Like Michelle and Tolly... it takes patience and a commitment to have it work. Also, if things are right, you have to make a move. LDR's don't last the test of time... you need to be together physically. And tho Sandy moved to NY, it was with the promise that when I retire in 3 1/2 years, we move back to Texas.

hmmmmmmmmmm- in my mind driving it.........IT WAS 3500 MILES. for those of you that have been diving with me - we all know I have NO sense of direction!!!

yay - only a few more NY winters!!!!!

[cmt489]

It is absolutely true that it takes patience and committement. I agree it is easy to fall into the trap that Moose is talking about and it takes a lot of hard work not to do that. Like Kamala and Bill, George and I talked about everything (and, given our phone bills I mean everything ) about likes, dislikes and who we are. We even involved each other in our everyday lives, talking while cooking dinner, cleaning the house, walking the dog, etc... If there was something that we didn't agree upon, we didn't gloss over it. We talked about appropriate compromises even before he made the move. We also discussed who was going to move and why. All of these things were weighed and considered. No relationship is perfect but LDRs definitely have more work and compromise involved than your average relationship. It takes an amazing person to make it worth all the work. All I can say is that George is that amazing person and, IMO, our relationship was worth every bit of work that we put into it.

[WreckWench]

It is absolutely true that it takes patience and committement. I agree it is easy to fall into the trap that Moose is talking about and it takes a lot of hard work not to do that. Like Kamala and Bill, George and I talked about everything (and, given our phone bills I mean everything ) about likes, dislikes and who we are. We even involved each other in our everyday lives, talking while cooking dinner, cleaning the house, walking the dog, etc... If there was something that we didn't agree upon, we didn't gloss over it. We talked about appropriate compromises even before he made the move. We also discussed who was going to move and why. All of these things were weighed and considered. No relationship is perfect but LDRs definitely have more work and compromise involved than your average relationship. It takes an amazing person to make it worth all the work. All I can say is that George is that amazing person and, IMO, our relationship was worth every bit of work that we put into it.

Yes LDR's are more difficult but the best things in life are. The finest metals are heat tempered. Diamonds only occur over immense heat and pressure and millions of years. So the work and wait is worth it.

And LDR's are more rewarding...less is taken for granted and you learn more about a person IMHO when you are forced to talk about things, focus on things you would otherwise leave for another time or may never discuss.

While I hate to talk for Bill he has told me many times that he knows more about me then he did his former wifes. Yes I know...many will say isn't that a red flag to have been married more than once? Well lets just say we did a lot of *extra* talking about that. And truth is he was always married for the duration...the ladies were not. But it takes two to make a relationship work and it if one person is not committed to making it work, no matter how hard the other works...it will not.

Personally I like many aspects of an LDR. Many men would not understand working most of the day at one job and then working the rest of the day, every lunch, before work and after work and every night and weekend at another job. However an LDR allows you to manage both. And in my case Bill understands my passion for SingleDivers.com and embraces it. He is my biggest supporter and cheerleader. And for those who ask...how will you travel and be married? Well for starters Bill is gone nearly every weekend from April to Nov running dive charters out of town. When not out of town he is running trips locally or teaching or working on an offsite project. So we will just work to ensure that we *schedule* our time together which means we will never take it nor hopefully each other for granted!

And Michelle is right...it takes an amazing person to make an LDR work but it also takes an amazing person to make most relationships work. They are not easy nor will they ever be. And they will take lots of maintenace work to keep them strong. But oh the rewards are so worth it!

[shadragon]

And they will take lots of maintenace work to keep them strong. But oh the rewards are so worth it!

So you are referring to Frequent Flyer miles here, right?