38 replies to this topic

[shadragon]

I came home to an empty house after 21 years of marriage. It is not pretty. Advice? Talk to friends / family, start new activities or rekindle old ones, volunteer, become a Big Sister, redecorate (Out with the old in with the new). Don't jump back into a relationship. You are going to hurt for a while and that period of time is different for everyone. Don't let anyone tell you different. It takes as long as it takes. You will know when it is right. Take some time for you first.

Prepare for the day when they try to come back. That was after a month for me and I had all the locks changed and bank accounts modified by that point.

In the long term, go live your life to the positive and don't get mired in the negative.

Oh yes. One last really important thing. Remember it is HIS loss....

[techintime]

Tammy,
I have the same T-shirt. My advice is to get involved with a local church. If you're already involved, get more involved. Also, try www.divorcecare.com. It has a lot of good, biblically-based lessons on what is (and will be) going on with you for the rest of your life. There are also divorcecare groups that meet at local churchs. Please just try it. There is much more to recovery than any of us ever imagine, there are significant risks in both the long and short term, and none of us can get through something like this (at least not sucessfully) on our own. I'll be off diving this week and probably out of contact with a computer (although I will try), but drop me a line if I can be of help and I'll get back to you when I can.
Mark

www.divorcecare.com

[cmt489]

My thoughts go out to you. I know how hard this is (although, mercifully, my marriage was much shorter then yours). The best thing you can do is to keep busy but, unfortunately, there is no escaping the alone time entirely. These are the worst times. Truthfully, as cliche as it sounds, the only thing that helps with that is time. With time you will start to enjoy your space and time to yourself. You will rediscover what you want to do just for yourself. As for the dog recommendation, I second that. My dog got me through the worst of it. Many long hours were spent walking him to get myself out of the house which is what I needed. The other odd but very helpful thing that I did was to change my bedding and towels as I found that these two items were simply too tied up in the two of us. Also, remember that you now get to decorate with only you in mind. This might just be the time to do it. Finally, always remember to reach out to your friends, including us here at SD. You are never alone!

[Starfish Sandy]

Thanks, all. There's no bitterness, just huge sadness and a whole lot of fear. Starting over at 49? Scary!
Keeping busy seems to be the consensus, along with "letting it out" when it overwhelms me. A positive outlook will help, but I think that's beyond me today. But, I'll be diving with some of you at the end of the month (early checkout on Sat., right?) so I do have meeting new friends to look forward to.

If anyone else feels like being encouraging, I'll definitely be on the threads!

You WILL make some great friends on these trips - I've said that many times. Some of my closest friends I met on SD - I consider them all family.

Many have offered great ideas - get out, do some stuff for yourself, I like what CMT said - change the towels/sheets etc. Keep your chin up - best of luck!!!

Edited by Starfish Sandy, 04 August 2008 - 12:56 PM.

[justscuba]

Hey just remember there are good looking men on SD you could go on a trip and get to know one. LOL I may not be good looking but funny.

[Landlocked Dive Nut]

Hey just remember there are good looking men on SD you could go on a trip and get to know one. LOL I may not be good looking but funny.

Funny surely counts big-time! Also, you're from New Mexico -- I lived there from 7th grade up until I joined the Army at age 19. Lived south, near Las Cruces. Where are you at?

[Landlocked Dive Nut]

I am so very humbled by everyone's willingness to jump in and help me through this. I have printed off this thread, and will read any time I'm feeling low. I've found that I can actually feel the "hugs" sent my way. Like a second family already. Many thanks, everybody!

As a female, I have to admit the redecorating suggestion appeals! I was left with everything, so the "out with the old, in with the new" may work, and several said it helped them. Did someone say shopping?

[ScubaSis]

Shopping??? Too bad I'm so far away, I would gladly go and help with that!!!

[Dive_Girl]

Landlocked Dive Nut, I don't know that I have any great words of wisdom that come close to what many have written above, but I wanted to tell you that I commend you for sharing with us your situation. In doing so, I think it ever so healthy. I admire your strength in asking for assistance. Some of us here at SD may be able to offer up tangible assistance while others of us can confirm that we support you from afar in our thoughts!

As cmt489 eloquently noted above (and she speaks from experience having supported me through some tough life events from afar), you are never alone!

[pmarie]

Shopping, Yeah, I forgot about that I replaced all of the linens for the Master BR. I spoiled myself horribly in that area. I got all the feather stuff I wanted that he didn't There is nothing like being caccooned in feathers-mattress, pillows, comforter....Allow yourself the small luxeries you might have previously denied yourself.

[justscuba]

Hey just remember there are good looking men on SD you could go on a trip and get to know one. LOL I may not be good looking but funny.

Funny surely counts big-time! Also, you're from New Mexico -- I lived there from 7th grade up until I joined the Army at age 19. Lived south, near Las Cruces. Where are you at?

I work in Albuquerque but live in mt. I have 2 1/2 ac with a small house 4 bed and 3 bath and a 1200sf garage. How did I do did I sell myself? LOL JK Hey if you make it down here let me know and I will go dive blue hole in santa rosa. I love my job but I want to move to FL.

[uwfan]

Landlocked,

I am so sorry to hear you are facing such a difficult time. I do not know anything about the pain you must be feeling, but know that I join others here thinking about you and praying for you. Wish I could be there to give you a hug in person...but a long distance hug will have to do. Spoil yourself !!

**HUGS**

[Divegirl412]

It is always painful when a relationship which was once great fades away and ends. It is difficult, even when you know it is coming, and it is truly the best thing for you. However, now is the time to absolutely pamper yourself... especially in ways that you never would have in the past while married. And definitely get rid of the "old" and get some wonderful new that is all about YOU!!! Do it gradually, so you don't go bankrupt LOL. But definitely jettison the bed linens and towels first!!! (Bedroom furniture next LOL).

And do stay positive and have a wonderful time in Roatan. Most of us on this site have had this experience before and are pulling for you!!!

Rosa

[Landlocked Dive Nut]

Hey just remember there are good looking men on SD you could go on a trip and get to know one. LOL I may not be good looking but funny.

Funny surely counts big-time! Also, you're from New Mexico -- I lived there from 7th grade up until I joined the Army at age 19. Lived south, near Las Cruces. Where are you at?

I work in Albuquerque but live in mt. I have 2 1/2 ac with a small house 4 bed and 3 bath and a 1200sf garage. How did I do did I sell myself? LOL JK Hey if you make it down here let me know and I will go dive blue hole in santa rosa. I love my job but I want to move to FL.

I don't think you have to sell yourself with the stuff you own, but holy cow! Your garage is nearly as big as the living space in my house! Makes one wonder what in the world you put in a 1200sf garage.....lots of boats & dive gear, or are you one who keeps everything you've ever owned? I'm with you on the move to FL. If I didn't have daughter, son-in-law and 1 year old grandson here, as well as a good job, I'd be putting this house on the market and I'd head towards better diving myself.

Thanks for the laugh!

[justscuba]

Hey just remember there are good looking men on SD you could go on a trip and get to know one. LOL I may not be good looking but funny.

Funny surely counts big-time! Also, you're from New Mexico -- I lived there from 7th grade up until I joined the Army at age 19. Lived south, near Las Cruces. Where are you at?

I work in Albuquerque but live in mt. I have 2 1/2 ac with a small house 4 bed and 3 bath and a 1200sf garage. How did I do did I sell myself? LOL JK Hey if you make it down here let me know and I will go dive blue hole in santa rosa. I love my job but I want to move to FL.

I don't think you have to sell yourself with the stuff you own, but holy cow! Your garage is nearly as big as the living space in my house! Makes one wonder what in the world you put in a 1200sf garage.....lots of boats & dive gear, or are you one who keeps everything you've ever owned? I'm with you on the move to FL. If I didn't have daughter, son-in-law and 1 year old grandson here, as well as a good job, I'd be putting this house on the market and I'd head towards better diving myself.

Thanks for the laugh!

I have a son here that works for me (pest control company) and my dau is in Salt Lake with hubby and two kiks. My son said if I moved to FL he does not want the company he would move over there also. I certified him about 2 years ago so he like to dive also.