14 replies to this topic

[Landlocked Dive Nut]

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island,
but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because
it was a weapon of math disruption.

The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.
The police are looking into it.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.
One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.
Then it hit me.

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said:
'Keep off the Grass.'

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.
When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran

A backward poet writes inverse.

In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

[WreckWench]

Good one! I needed that!

[Victoria]

Weapons of Math Instruction

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a protractor, a T-square, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney general John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. The man is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search for absolute value. They use secret code names like x and y and refer to themselves as unknowns, but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every triangle," Ashcroft declared.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes. I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to dis-integrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence," the President said, adding: "Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line."

President Bush warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of vertex."

Attorney General Ashcroft said, "As our Great Leader would say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertainty of: though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around their necks."

[Bubble2Bubble]

How about this one...

Anal Glaucoma.. Whats that ?..I just cant see my a$$ coming into work today

Bubs

[peterbj7]

After shots were heard in the graveyard, police questioned everybody they could find. Finally they found an open grave and soon got to the bottom of it.

[Victoria]

"I see!" said the blind man as he picked up his hammer and saw.

[Mermaid Lady]

A color-blind man once got so mad that he saw red, but it turned out to be just a pigment of his imagination...

Edited by Mermaid Lady, 13 March 2009 - 06:30 PM.

[Landlocked Dive Nut]

A color-blind man once got so mad that he saw red, but it turned out to be just a pigment of his imagination...

good one!

[Capn Jack]

"Seven days without laughter makes one weak"
- Mort Walker, cartoonist

[Hipshot]

The Washington Post sponsored a Mensa Invitational which asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido : All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.) : Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

Rick

Edited by Hipshot, 14 March 2009 - 10:43 AM.

[divzac]

I used to be a kleptomainac but I took something for it.....

I am waiting for the book to come out... "How to get into MENSA for Dummies"

Every time I get the urge to excercise I lay down 'till it passess

[scubachick43]

THAT is a good one...Love it!

How about this one...

Anal Glaucoma.. Whats that ?..I just cant see my a$$ coming into work today

Bubs

[Bubble2Bubble]

There are alot of good ones...

Tammy

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.
Then it hit me.

Oouch

Edited by Bubble2Bubble, 14 March 2009 - 05:07 PM.

[blacklatexozdiver]

Did anyone hear about the Englishman who tried to kiss his girlfriend in the fog and mist?

[Landlocked Dive Nut]

Keep 'em coming! I'm laughing every time I look at this post!