25 replies to this topic

[Laura]

I am childless by choice, and I sometimes get flack over this. The times are changing, but there are still some people who act like there is something wrong with me for not wanting kids. Or they assume I hate kids - which I certainly do not! - I just never wanted to have any of my own. Actually, a lot of people have said "but you would be such a good mother". The truth is, I I love spending time with other people's kids, but I also love the freedome and spontenaety of being child-less even more.

I have dated people with kids (it's not a total deal-breaker) but I would ideally like someone with no kids/grown kids.

Does anyone else ever run into this?

Laura

[mischievous]

i always get the standard, "when you get older, you'll want kids of your own" but i've helped raise my first niece and sometimes care for my 2nd nephew and i know i can get that maternal emotive stuff elsewhere...course i could be wrong and end up with a gaggle of my own...but i hope not. can you imagine what a bunch of trouble makers they would be.

kudos for you L for making your decision.

[Walter]

First, I would think this is a very personal decision. It's no one's business except yours. People should learn to butt out.

In case people haven't noticed, the world is already overpopluated.

There are way too many people who have children who have no aptitude for it.

Raising a child is a great joy! I have two. One is grown and doing well. The other is getting there. It's not for everyone and no one should try to make you feel like it is.

[mischievous]

there's a girl i know that asked me if i was married and had children yet and looked at me as if i was insane for not having a family. she on the other hand has a cute little boy toddler from when she was 14 (her mother is the primary care taker) and is expecting a second child around the time of her 18th b-day. not extremely responsible, but she was so joyous about the news i didn't know what to say.

[coppermaus]

Hey Laura, when I read your post I thought I had written it and had a memory lapse, except that I haven't yet dated anyone with kids. My family is always saying but you'd be such a good mother! I say I am - just happens my 15-year-old has fur and claws. My mom now calls her "the grandcat."

Have you noticed that there are a lot more guys who don't want kids than women? Makes us a hot item on the dating market! OTOH, for me that issue has brought an end to a couple of LTR that were really good otherwise. Just isn't something you can compromise on. We could have 1/2 a child? Get a dog? Maybe a chimp?

[mischievous]

or even a boat....knew a 25-yr old hottie that said he'd get a boat b4 a kid. when i called his bluff (to end the relationship) he totally swung the opposite way and i had to figure a way out of that quagmire.

[sea nmf]

Yes, people want to know why I don't have a dog, too, because I like them so much.

Actually, my decision to not have children was based on the fact that rearing children is the MOST IMPORTANT JOB IN THE WORLD! It carries the most responsibility. I simply did not want to be responsible for the emotional health of another human. It's difficult enough taking care of my own EH.

I admire those who choose to have children and take the responsibility on (Walter). I wish them well and cheer them on!

I don't like to see folks who have no parenting skills or are too selfish to rear children with intent. You know who I'm talking about. God help those poor innocent children.

(Recently we had an employee who has a family lose his job due to meth amphetimin use. It breaks my heart!)

I mostly love children. I came from a large family. Luckily, my siblings had kids for me to spoil and love. When Auntie Becky babysits, it's ice cream sundaes for dinner!

[jextract]

or even a boat....knew a 25-yr old hottie that said he'd get a boat b4 a kid. when i called his bluff (to end the relationship) he totally swung the opposite way and i had to figure a way out of that quagmire.

A kid's GOTTA be way less expensive!

Alternatively, there are those of us who are older (jeeeeeez .... how did THIS happen?) who don't have kids yet but would still like to find someone to have that traditional family with. Most of the women in my dating age window (30-40) either have kids already or don't want them. You'd be surprised at how tough it is to find someone who doesn't have 'em but still wants them. And shares an active lifestyle. And is emotionally healthy. I think I have a better chance of winning the lotto sometimes!

[mischievous]

You'd be surprised at how tough it is to find someone who doesn't have 'em but still wants them. And shares an active lifestyle. And is emotionally healthy. I think I have a better chance of winning the lotto sometimes!

totally concur. had met this wonderful, active, intelligent, ambitious man (fluent with the dutch culture ) that told his live-in roommate/girlfriend one thing (no kids) and me another (would like to have kids with you that the nanny can take care of while we continue to lead our active lifestyles). ....hmmm...so (1) not so wonderful and (2) no longer speaking to him. hard to meet someone that i feel would complement me enough to share an 18+ year responsibility stint.

i like auntie becky....my psuedo-kids get spoiled but i occassionally assert my toe-the-line-very-gently-discipline-rights when my sibling's quarry gets out of control. then i get the, "you don't even have children. you don't know what your doing and shouldn't be disciplining my kids." <sigh> vicious cycle.

[jextract]

totally concur. had met this wonderful, active, intelligent, ambitious man (fluent with the dutch culture ) that told his live-in roommate/girlfriend one thing (no kids) and me another (would like to have kids with you that the nanny can take care of while we continue to lead our active lifestyles). ....hmmm...so (1) not so wonderful and (2) no longer speaking to him. hard to meet someone that i feel would complement me enough to share an 18+ year responsibility stint.

i like auntie becky....my psuedo-kids get spoiled but i occassionally assert my toe-the-line-very-gently-discipline-rights when my sibling's quarry gets out of control. then i get the, "you don't even have children. you don't know what your doing and shouldn't be disciplining my kids." <sigh> vicious cycle.

Not so wonderful indeed. That pendulum swings both ways, I can assure you. I was asked out by a woman a few years ago whom I subsequently found out was married with kids and was just looking for a little sauce on the side. Whatever works for her, it's just not my gig.

And why is it that finding fluency in the Dutch culture seems to be so elusive, anyway? Damn!

So for now, I settle for being completely owned by my 4-year-old niece, who just happens to be the cutest child ever to grace the planet by the way.

[scoobiediver]

Hey Laura, I wouldnt worry about what others think. I am 33, never had children and probably wont. I love children dearly, but like you, I also like my spontanious abilities. I am the worlds worst at spoiling my nieces and nephews, but I also have no desire to have any of my own. I wouldnt worry about what others think. You know your a great person and what others think, if it differs from you opinion, then they are insecure in their ways, but what they think is nevertheless. You are very pretty and you obviously have found a way to love yourself. That is all that matters.

Cevin

[CuriousMe]

I decided a few years ago that it was very likely I wasn't going to have "my own" kids. I also decided I was fine with that. I really would only want to if it would be a continued team effort with the right team member .

I love kids, and will always have kids in my life. I'm to much of a kid myself for it to be any other way.

When I lived on land, I was involved in mentor programs and had starting researching becoming a foster parent.....there are to many kids already here that don't have an adult in their life looking out for them in some way for me to get bent out of shape not having a kid.

I do get comments from folks...especially folks from outside the US it seems. I was flying to South Africa on business one time, and met a lovely (married) man from South Africa on the plane....after chatting for a while (it's a somewhat long flight) he found out that I wasn't married and didn't have kids.....He was aghast! Trying to steer him away in a positive way, I mentioned that I had the flexibility to travel a lot with my current lifestyle. He very earnestly told me that I would be allowed to travel if I was a wife and mother I had a very hard time not laughing!

I don't mind folks comments....they generally seem to come from a genuine concern and lack of understanding of how I live my life.

Oh and FWIW, I have the absolute cutest niece who's nearly 3 years old. I do take my spoiling responsibilities very seriously.....she had a blast when she and her family came to cruise with us. What I found most amusing was the fact that I'm pretty sure the highlights for her were that we went on a train in Key West (not a real train, but it looked like it to her) and that we saw the dolphins laugh and clap. Now when she see's a Carnival commercial on TV, she points and screams..."That's Aunt Cathie's boat!"

Peace,
Cathie

[Divegirl412]

I'm 41, and knew when I was 14 that I did not want kids. Lots of reasons, some selfish and some noble. Did enough Mommy stuff with my 6th, 7th and 8th siblings.... and I'm number 4. Catholic in Africa, what can I say!!! Love my friend's kids and play "auntie". Then they go home.

Have dated guys with kids, but also would prefer no/grown kids (like you said Laura). Amazing how hard it is to find compatible men who fit the above criteria and we also complement each other. Most either want kids... not happening or have young kids... a bit difficult!

Child raising is an incredible responsibility, and too many who shouldn't do it jump right in!

Ignore the flak. It will end. My friends and parents have pretty much given up. Be who you want to be and live the life you want to lead.

[Lubold8431]

Wow, tough one. Why dont I have kids yet? Why am I not married? These are questions that I get asked alot by my family. Thirty is just around the corner for me, and if kids are going to happen, I need to find their mother pretty soon!!! But then, I think about the responsiblity of having kids. I actually was seeing a woman who had two children a few years ago. Our relationship only lasted a few months, and much of the reason it ended was because of baby daddy drama, if you know what I mean. So, I learned from that situation that I dont want to date or get involved with someone who has kids already. If I meet someone, and we hit it off, eventually, the question is asked about kids. My last GF was at first against having kids, and wanted to adopt (because she was adopted, and she wanted to give someone else a chance as well). I didnt like that idea. If (and I do mean IF) I ever have kids, I would want them to be the product of the woman I love and myself. If I cant have it that way, I dont want kids, or I dont think I was meant to have any. My two sisters each have two kids. I love my nieces and nephews, and sometimes when I am around them, I do wish that I had a child (or two). But, then I realize that I am not ready for children at this stage in my life, and I dont know if I ever will be. Its a very personal choice, and you have to decide what you want out of life. I recently had a very interesting and heartbreaking conversation with my father when I talked to him about me possibly going into the Military, and he told me not to go. He was worried that I would be killed before I could have children to carry on the family name. He was dead serious, and I was a little taken aback by it. In my family, I have tremendous pressure to get married and have children.

[Diverbrian]

Wow, serious point here!

Actually, I get asked that a great deal myself. Thirty-five is around the corner for me and I have two ten year old adorable girls (my Labs) and one year-old (my cat). When women find out that I have a 28 year-old autistic brother (think Rainman) who lives with me, they run for the hills. I practically raised him and would like my own children (adopted or not) eventually but am starting to come to the conclusion that it isn't happening. I don't want to be 65 and putting a child through college. So, I'll live with what is given to me. I have a good life. I would rather have no children (which was my goal when I was younger), than a child with a woman that I can't love.

This is all cool with me now. I'll spoil the kids that I can and send them back home to their parents . Then, I'll go diving because I don't have a SO or kids to tell me why I can't .