69 replies to this topic

[mantarraya]

What is the old phrase "never say never". I still maintain cheating is easy to do. I find it mostly repulsive, too, but just don't hold the people to nearly as high of standards as you do. We're all human, and I still think it is possible to be a really great person, and do shitty things. on extremely rare occasions.

I really believe that. My personal history indicates I would never cheat on my SO, as I never have yet. However, my personal history also shows 2 occasions where I was so "mesmerized" by someone (one pure animal lust, one an overwhelming intellectual attraction) that I had to have them (and did, BTW, much to my great delight - Pink Floyd was not even required ). I was not in a relationship at the time, but can't say with 100% certainty that I would not have yielded to the same temptation if I had been. It happens. There have been a couple of times that I can fairly say that someone was so into me, they had to have me. Chemistry is a wonderful thing as is friendship, but sometimes the circumstances or progression of events do not let both co-exist or at least develop in some prescribed order.

As far as the Mardi Gras guy, I really don't believe he was tossing me a line. You werent' there and I was, and I really think he just slipped a bit. Don't hold it against him one bit. Still think he was basically a good guy.

[captsteve]

i guess i will have to just keep trying till i get it right.

[Twinklez]

What is the old phrase "never say never". I still maintain cheating is easy to do. I find it mostly repulsive, too, but just don't hold the people to nearly as high of standards as you do. We're all human, and I still think it is possible to be a really great person, and do shitty things. on extremely rare occasions.

I really believe that. My personal history indicates I would never cheat on my SO, as I never have yet. However, my personal history also shows 2 occasions where I was so "mesmerized" by someone (one pure animal lust, one an overwhelming intellectual attraction) that I had to have them (and did, BTW, much to my great delight - Pink Floyd was not even required ). I was not in a relationship at the time, but can't say with 100% certainty that I would not have yielded to the same temptation if I had been. It happens. There have been a couple of times that I can fairly say that someone was so into me, they had to have me. Chemistry is a wonderful thing as is friendship, but sometimes the circumstances or progression of events do not let both co-exist or at least develop in some prescribed order.

As far as the Mardi Gras guy, I really don't believe he was tossing me a line. You werent' there and I was, and I really think he just slipped a bit. Don't hold it against him one bit. Still think he was basically a good guy.

It's not so much that I hold others to such a high standard as much as I do myself.

Just before getting engaged the second time around I interviewed a man for a vacancy on my team. He ended up being my desk partner. We mentored each other in various areas of our work. Single, tall handsome, sharp dresser, smart, funny and very much a gentleman. Wow, was I attracted to him. I was in a serious relationship that ended up in marriage. My desk partner took a job in Michigan, and I moved to Texas; but we remained friends and often worked together on projects long distance. We've not seen each other face-to-face since then. He has never married. I never told him how I felt about him...until after I became divorced. I will never forget the silence on the phone. After a few minutes he very slowly told me that he had the same feelings but out of respect for me and the relationship I was in he tried very hard to never let it show. Apparently I hid it well also because he never knew until I told him. The point is...the flames were there...we were soooo into each other...and we both denied the desire out of respect.

Another good friend...also someone I've worked with came to see me last summer while his wife was out of town. He had given me a lot of things for my office when I started my own business, and had never seen my operation, so took the opportunity to stop in while out for a cruise in his Miata. He and his wife have never had much in common at all; her being a professional student and he very high in the IT field. It was my little brother's graduation so he went with me, and after took me for a ride and for dinner in the Miata. When it came time to take me back to my office (which is where I lived at the time), he didn't leave, but very nervously hung around. Finally I said I had to go and he whispered that he wanted to kiss me. I kissed him...on the forehead and the cheek and whispered to him that I cared about him too much to allow this to happen and to go home. He thanked me and went home. We are still very good friends to this day, and he is still married. Occasionally, he'll mention what a wonderful ride we had in the Miata and that he's very proud to be my friend. Like your Mardi Gras guy, I doubt he's ever tried that with anyone before, nor is he likely to again.

So I have two friends for life that I know will always be there for me, not because I slept with them but because I didn't.

I understand what you're saying about chemistry not necessarily allowing a relationship to develop in a prescribed order; but I truly believe that comes down to self discipline and will power. If a man is so into me that he has to have me, then he best start getting with the program on some form of committed relationship because that's got to come first. I'm not saying I'm perfect and that I'm impervious to lust; I'm just saying that after making several mistakes I believe this is the way I need to go and I'm trying very hard to stay the course.

It's not that I think you want anything less than I do; but that you're willing to settle for something different in the meantime and I'm not.

[mantarraya]

Don't get me wrong. I don't do married guys (provided I know it, and so far, I think only one has managed to fool me).

However, what you are calling "settling" for me, I call "going for it". I'm glad I'm not afraid to go for it, and be well-advised, I don't go for just anything. There has to be something pretty strong there, and even then, I'll try to slow it down if I can. But sometimes, FOR ME, it is just better to take a leap.

[Twinklez]

Don't get me wrong. I don't do married guys (provided I know it, and so far, I think only one has managed to fool me).

However, what you are calling "settling" for me, I call "going for it". I'm glad I'm not afraid to go for it, and be well-advised, I don't go for just anything. There has to be something pretty strong there, and even then, I'll try to slow it down if I can. But sometimes, FOR ME, it is just better to take a leap.

No misunderstanding on the married thing.

Would you say you prefer a committed relationship over just something casual? or the other way around? That's where I come up with the difference between "going for it" and "settling." Because in the long run if you want something more long term and committed, but you're willing to "go for it" with someone who's potentially of a different mind, or don't even bother to clarify the intent first, then that's settling.

My leaps have in the past all been in the wrong direction. Taking it one step at a time will hopefully keep me from leaping into the abyss, never to return to my normal self again. Though I do realize that if an apparent "mr. right" were to appear on the scene and want to take a leap...it might cross my mind. :-)

[mantarraya]

Would you say you prefer a committed relationship over just something casual? or the other way around? That's where I come up with the difference between "going for it" and "settling." Because in the long run if you want something more long term and committed, but you're willing to "go for it" with someone who's potentially of a different mind, or don't even bother to clarify the intent first, then that's settling.

My leaps have in the past all been in the wrong direction. Taking it one step at a time will hopefully keep me from leaping into the abyss, never to return to my normal self again. Though I do realize that if an apparent "mr. right" were to appear on the scene and want to take a leap...it might cross my mind. :-)

Let's just face it. I must just be a bigger settler/slut/whatever than you are, because I don't start out in a relationship thinking it's going to be a lifetime love connection. I don't make a lot of presumptions and overthink things upfront. I just like to enjoy the company and see what happens. If it involves the wild thang, great. If it starts out slow and builds up, it can be REALLY great. Casual sex can often develop into meaningful sex in my experience. See no need at my age to keep things locked down like Fort Knox.

Edited by lgrahamtx, 20 February 2006 - 07:21 AM.

[finley]

What is the old phrase "never say never". I still maintain cheating is easy to do. I find it mostly repulsive, too, but just don't hold the people to nearly as high of standards as you do. We're all human, and I still think it is possible to be a really great person, and do shitty things. on extremely rare occasions.

I really believe that. My personal history indicates I would never cheat on my SO, as I never have yet. However, my personal history also shows 2 occasions where I was so "mesmerized" by someone (one pure animal lust, one an overwhelming intellectual attraction) that I had to have them (and did, BTW, much to my great delight - Pink Floyd was not even required ). I was not in a relationship at the time, but can't say with 100% certainty that I would not have yielded to the same temptation if I had been. It happens. There have been a couple of times that I can fairly say that someone was so into me, they had to have me. Chemistry is a wonderful thing as is friendship, but sometimes the circumstances or progression of events do not let both co-exist or at least develop in some prescribed order.

As far as the Mardi Gras guy, I really don't believe he was tossing me a line. You werent' there and I was, and I really think he just slipped a bit. Don't hold it against him one bit. Still think he was basically a good guy.

It's not so much that I hold others to such a high standard as much as I do myself.

Just before getting engaged the second time around I interviewed a man for a vacancy on my team. He ended up being my desk partner. We mentored each other in various areas of our work. Single, tall handsome, sharp dresser, smart, funny and very much a gentleman. Wow, was I attracted to him. I was in a serious relationship that ended up in marriage. My desk partner took a job in Michigan, and I moved to Texas; but we remained friends and often worked together on projects long distance. We've not seen each other face-to-face since then. He has never married. I never told him how I felt about him...until after I became divorced. I will never forget the silence on the phone. After a few minutes he very slowly told me that he had the same feelings but out of respect for me and the relationship I was in he tried very hard to never let it show. Apparently I hid it well also because he never knew until I told him. The point is...the flames were there...we were soooo into each other...and we both denied the desire out of respect.

Another good friend...also someone I've worked with came to see me last summer while his wife was out of town. He had given me a lot of things for my office when I started my own business, and had never seen my operation, so took the opportunity to stop in while out for a cruise in his Miata. He and his wife have never had much in common at all; her being a professional student and he very high in the IT field. It was my little brother's graduation so he went with me, and after took me for a ride and for dinner in the Miata. When it came time to take me back to my office (which is where I lived at the time), he didn't leave, but very nervously hung around. Finally I said I had to go and he whispered that he wanted to kiss me. I kissed him...on the forehead and the cheek and whispered to him that I cared about him too much to allow this to happen and to go home. He thanked me and went home. We are still very good friends to this day, and he is still married. Occasionally, he'll mention what a wonderful ride we had in the Miata and that he's very proud to be my friend. Like your Mardi Gras guy, I doubt he's ever tried that with anyone before, nor is he likely to again.

So I have two friends for life that I know will always be there for me, not because I slept with them but because I didn't.

I understand what you're saying about chemistry not necessarily allowing a relationship to develop in a prescribed order; but I truly believe that comes down to self discipline and will power. If a man is so into me that he has to have me, then he best start getting with the program on some form of committed relationship because that's got to come first. I'm not saying I'm perfect and that I'm impervious to lust; I'm just saying that after making several mistakes I believe this is the way I need to go and I'm trying very hard to stay the course.

It's not that I think you want anything less than I do; but that you're willing to settle for something different in the meantime and I'm not.

HMM>>>sounds like the desk partner might be material for the "should I go for it thread"

[Twinklez]

Would you say you prefer a committed relationship over just something casual? or the other way around? That's where I come up with the difference between "going for it" and "settling." Because in the long run if you want something more long term and committed, but you're willing to "go for it" with someone who's potentially of a different mind, or don't even bother to clarify the intent first, then that's settling.

My leaps have in the past all been in the wrong direction. Taking it one step at a time will hopefully keep me from leaping into the abyss, never to return to my normal self again. Though I do realize that if an apparent "mr. right" were to appear on the scene and want to take a leap...it might cross my mind. :-)

Let's just face it. I must just be a bigger settler/slut/whatever than you are, because I don't start out in a relationship thinking it's going to be a lifetime love connection. I don't make a lot of presumptions and overthink things upfront. I just like to enjoy the company and see what happens. If it involves the wild thang, great. If it starts out slow and builds up, it can be REALLY great. Casual sex can often develop into meaningful sex in my experience. See no need at my age to keep things locked down like Fort Knox.

Woah...slow down there. I'm certainly not judging you here. In fact, I asked a question for my own clarification. I'm interested in hearing other people's thinking and am not so closed mind as you seem to think. My mind is made up on what I want for me, but that's for me and not intended for anybody else. It's all about choices.

I'm not saying that a committed relationship isn't possible going the casual route; I'm just saying it isn't the right route for me. I do want a long term committed relationship; so if a man says he's interested in only a casual physical relationship I'm taking that at face value and moving on. Doesn't mean I can't be friends with him; but I'm definately not bedding him - not matter how physically desireable he or or how horney I am. That's my choice. You've made a different choice that's right for you; and that's cool.

[Twinklez]

HMM>>>sounds like the desk partner might be material for the "should I go for it thread"

The desk partner would definately fit nicely in the "should I go for it?" thread. Unfortunately, he and I have discussed that very subject. He's never married and therefore is one of those mid 40's men who wants to here the pitter patter of little feet. I can no longer bear children. While we could have a nice little fling but we both know that because we care for each other as opposed having just a physical attraction, we'd ruin a good friendship and hurt each other in the long run. So.....he'll remain my friend and I his.

Hey, he doesn't dive anyway.

[Vessper]

Since I have gotten involved with diving, I have had 3 short explosive relationships. All three relationships pulled me away from diving. I don't intend on letting that happen again. So personally I have made the rule that the next person I get serious with has to dive. For me it can't be something they have always wanted to do. I have heard that mulitple times and it never materialized. The stand point I am taking on it is that if they have not stood up on their own to do it for themselves then it most likely isn't something they are passionate about. Since I have refocused my efforts on pursueing goals in diving, I feel I need someone that is as passionate about it as I am. They don't have to be pursueing the ranks like I am, but they will need to have a love for it. As far as being afraid to pursue a lasting relationship, I can't say that I am afraid, but at the same time I try to be cautious. A few years back I was in a relationship where I experienced that soulful connection that we all desire. It turns out that she was not the person she showed to be. The loss destroyed me for a time. However after her I met someone that showed me that it is possible to love after a loss like that. Her and I didn't work out but it ended on good terms. Her and I are still good friends to this day. One thing I have learned from it all is that you must be willing to risk it all to have something great. It's just like our diving, if you aren't willing to get off the boat, how do you expect to experience the awe and beauty of what lies below the water.