13 replies to this topic

[WreckWench]

Et cetera: Study finds spouse’s illness or death can cause health problems


02/17/2006


A study in this week’s NEJM finds that the stress and loss of companionship associated with a spouse’s illness or death can have a negative affect on a person’s own health, the Associated Press reports. Researchers from Harvard Medical School and the University of Pennsylvania evaluated the medical records of 518,940 elderly couples over a nine-year period and found that spouses of people who were hospitalized had a greater risk of becoming ill or dying than spouses of healthy people. The researchers found that men were roughly 4.5% more likely to die after their wives were hospitalized and women were nearly 3% more likely to die after their husbands became ill. Following the death of a spouse, men and women’s risk of death from a preexisting condition, suicide, infection, or accident rose by 21% and 17%, respectively. The researchers conclude that “people are interconnected, so their health is interconnected” and note that the effect could also apply to people whose children or close friends fall ill or die.

[Twinklez]

Et cetera: Study finds spouse’s illness or death can cause health problems


02/17/2006


A study in this week’s NEJM finds that the stress and loss of companionship associated with a spouse’s illness or death can have a negative affect on a person’s own health, the Associated Press reports. Researchers from Harvard Medical School and the University of Pennsylvania evaluated the medical records of 518,940 elderly couples over a nine-year period and found that spouses of people who were hospitalized had a greater risk of becoming ill or dying than spouses of healthy people. The researchers found that men were roughly 4.5% more likely to die after their wives were hospitalized and women were nearly 3% more likely to die after their husbands became ill. Following the death of a spouse, men and women’s risk of death from a preexisting condition, suicide, infection, or accident rose by 21% and 17%, respectively. The researchers conclude that “people are interconnected, so their health is interconnected” and note that the effect could also apply to people whose children or close friends fall ill or die.

I think that it's not just two people who's health is interconnected; but also that our own health is so easily impacted by our own mental outlook. A person who is depressed can have a very impaired immune system, thus leaving themselves open fo all sorts of illnesses which further complicate the situation. It's like a giant snowball rolling down hill.

To the friends of these people...laughter is truly the best medicine! Help your friend to smile. The chemicals released in one's body as a result of laughter and happiness help our immune systems and can help your friend.

[Latitude Adjustment]

Not just in humans, I had two horses that had been together for ten years, if you took one out the other would jump the fence and come along too. When the older one (40 something) died the younger one pined away and died two weeks later.

[finley]

I've seen it happen to dogs...if their mate dies or if their master dies...I know I was pretty depressed when my dog died.....it also happens with children if a close sibling dies especially a twin ( not that they always die...but severe depression to say the least) and in the elderly the one that died may have been the caretaker.....you have to wonder ..how many of the cases are suicide...I know my mother would have to no desire to live without my dad. OK>>>on to the rest of my day

Edited by finley, 19 February 2006 - 10:01 AM.

[Dive_buddy]

If you are talking about two people who are doing little more than just sharing an address, I can see where someone would want to do a study on this. Because yes, I can see where one could wonder why the death or illness of one effects the other.

But if you are talking about two people who truly in love, the whole heart and soul thing, then I fail to see where this is even a question you have to ask. And when I say “in love” I do not mean the conventionally accepted “in love” where he/she is good looking and great in bed and all lovey dovey. I'm am talking the love that transcends understanding, the kind of love where she still looks hot with tubes in her arms and nose, Grey mottled complection and eyes dull as unwashed beach sand. I am talking the type of love where one has become part of the other. Where you can't think straight when you are not with them, and you can't think straight when you are with them. I am talking the type of love where you do not simply want to be with them. But the type of love where you want to be them.

I agree that one's own mental state has a diffinate effect on their heath. I fully believe that one can “will” themselves to be sick or well (to a point). And without a doubt, laughter is the best medicine. Research has show time after time that the act of laughing has many healing qualities.

But I disagree that this is the main problem with the surviving spouse or SO. I believe that we need to understand how the survivor feels. We need to understand what is going on in their minds. The problem with them is that they have lost part of them. At the risk of sounding like a Bible Thumper, the Bible says “and for this cause, a man shall leave his Mother and Father, cleave unto his wife, and the two shall become one flesh” I have never believe that passage referred only to the act of sex. I believe that it meant that the two of us should become one person. Not that we lose who we are as individuals. But that my actions and thoughts are directed toward “us”. It is not “what would make me happy”, but “what would make us happy”. So for me, it is easy to see why the survivor would fall ill and even die after losing his or her partner. For they have not simply lost a partner, they have lost part of themselves. No different than if they had lost an arm, or a leg.

I you can imagine waking up one day, and no longer having the ability to dive, no longer liking the things you liked the day before, no longer knowing how to even plan your day, no longer knowing what to fix for dinner, or even what clothes to wear. Or if you can imagine waking up after an accident to find that your leg and arm on one side has been removed, and that you can not see out of both eyes. If you can imagine that, then you are on your way to understanding why the survivor does poorly after the loss. If you can imagine what it is like to try and “go on” with only half of you left, if you can imagine what it is like to “get over it” when nothing will ever bring that back. Then you are are on the verge of understanding.

People told me that I “have to learn to laugh again”, and that I have “to get over it”. People, the only thing I HAVE to do is stay white, and die. I understand the desire of my friends to see me laughing as I once did. Yet they seem to fail to understand why I can not laugh. Probably because they never truly understood why I laughed in the first place. I laughed because my life was complete. I needed nothing more. The emptiness I had felt all of my life before her was gone, and I was filled with a joy that goes beyond understanding. I laughed because I was truly happy. Even during the hard times, I was so happy and complete with her. She was a part of me. No less than a lung, leg or my heart, she was part of me. She was literally my reason for living. Now, that reason is gone.

It is hard being the friend of someone who's SO is ill or has passed away. You want to help in some way. And if you are a true friend, you find yourself becoming frustrated because there seems to be nothing you can do. And you are right! Your words are meaningless, they fall upon deaf ears. Your actions mean nothing, they are not observed. Your love is useless, for it is given to someone who can no longer feel. Unless you have a magic wand that you can waive and cure the illness, or bring back the dead, there is little you can do to help.

But do not give up trying. Keep speaking the words to the deaf ears, keep hugging that person who does not hug back, keep loving the one who can not feel. As time passes, the person will remember little of what happened after the tragity. They won't remember Birthdays, movies, dinners. All they will remember is the tragity it'self. They most likely will not remember the times you helped, hugged and loved. But in time, they will remember that you did do something. They will remember that you tried, and that is what counts. So even though your efforts seem to do nothing, take courage in knowing that these efforts do, in fact, have an effect.

If one could fully understand how the survivor feels and thinks, then the study to determine if the loss of a spouse can effect the survivor would be pointless. If we could understand the survivor, would would know, without a doubt.

Can the loss of a loved one kill you? It most certainly can. Unfortunately, in my case, it did not.

[finley]

If you are talking about two people who are doing little more than just sharing an address, I can see where someone would want to do a study on this. Because yes, I can see where one could wonder why the death or illness of one effects the other.

But if you are talking about two people who truly in love, the whole heart and soul thing, then I fail to see where this is even a question you have to ask. And when I say “in love” I do not mean the conventionally accepted “in love” where he/she is good looking and great in bed and all lovey dovey. I'm am talking the love that transcends understanding, the kind of love where she still looks hot with tubes in her arms and nose, Grey mottled complection and eyes dull as unwashed beach sand. I am talking the type of love where one has become part of the other. Where you can't think straight when you are not with them, and you can't think straight when you are with them. I am talking the type of love where you do not simply want to be with them. But the type of love where you want to be them.

I agree that one's own mental state has a diffinate effect on their heath. I fully believe that one can “will” themselves to be sick or well (to a point). And without a doubt, laughter is the best medicine. Research has show time after time that the act of laughing has many healing qualities.

But I disagree that this is the main problem with the surviving spouse or SO. I believe that we need to understand how the survivor feels. We need to understand what is going on in their minds. The problem with them is that they have lost part of them. At the risk of sounding like a Bible Thumper, the Bible says “and for this cause, a man shall leave his Mother and Father, cleave unto his wife, and the two shall become one flesh” I have never believe that passage referred only to the act of sex. I believe that it meant that the two of us should become one person. Not that we lose who we are as individuals. But that my actions and thoughts are directed toward “us”. It is not “what would make me happy”, but “what would make us happy”. So for me, it is easy to see why the survivor would fall ill and even die after losing his or her partner. For they have not simply lost a partner, they have lost part of themselves. No different than if they had lost an arm, or a leg.

I you can imagine waking up one day, and no longer having the ability to dive, no longer liking the things you liked the day before, no longer knowing how to even plan your day, no longer knowing what to fix for dinner, or even what clothes to wear. Or if you can imagine waking up after an accident to find that your leg and arm on one side has been removed, and that you can not see out of both eyes. If you can imagine that, then you are on your way to understanding why the survivor does poorly after the loss. If you can imagine what it is like to try and “go on” with only half of you left, if you can imagine what it is like to “get over it” when nothing will ever bring that back. Then you are are on the verge of understanding.

People told me that I “have to learn to laugh again”, and that I have “to get over it”. People, the only thing I HAVE to do is stay white, and die. I understand the desire of my friends to see me laughing as I once did. Yet they seem to fail to understand why I can not laugh. Probably because they never truly understood why I laughed in the first place. I laughed because my life was complete. I needed nothing more. The emptiness I had felt all of my life before her was gone, and I was filled with a joy that goes beyond understanding. I laughed because I was truly happy. Even during the hard times, I was so happy and complete with her. She was a part of me. No less than a lung, leg or my heart, she was part of me. She was literally my reason for living. Now, that reason is gone.

It is hard being the friend of someone who's SO is ill or has passed away. You want to help in some way. And if you are a true friend, you find yourself becoming frustrated because there seems to be nothing you can do. And you are right! Your words are meaningless, they fall upon deaf ears. Your actions mean nothing, they are not observed. Your love is useless, for it is given to someone who can no longer feel. Unless you have a magic wand that you can waive and cure the illness, or bring back the dead, there is little you can do to help.

But do not give up trying. Keep speaking the words to the deaf ears, keep hugging that person who does not hug back, keep loving the one who can not feel. As time passes, the person will remember little of what happened after the tragity. They won't remember Birthdays, movies, dinners. All they will remember is the tragity it'self. They most likely will not remember the times you helped, hugged and loved. But in time, they will remember that you did do something. They will remember that you tried, and that is what counts. So even though your efforts seem to do nothing, take courage in knowing that these efforts do, in fact, have an effect.

If one could fully understand how the survivor feels and thinks, then the study to determine if the loss of a spouse can effect the survivor would be pointless. If we could understand the survivor, would would know, without a doubt.

Can the loss of a loved one kill you? It most certainly can. Unfortunately, in my case, it did not.

I truly, truly hope you have those great friends that will keep giving hugs, love and listening ears...I know you need them...you don't mention if you have children...but becuase you talk about friends you still have the capacity to reach out...I hope you do...and if you have trouble sleeping at night ...PM me....I love late night chats..and would love to learn more about this fabulous woman that was so positive and important in your life.

Edited by finley, 19 February 2006 - 02:11 PM.

[Bubble2Bubble]

WoW Dive_buddy
You not only write with passion you write with compassion for others!

Finley this blew me away.......

Dive-buddy

But do not give up trying. Keep speaking the words to the deaf ears, keep hugging that person who does not hug back, keep loving the one who can not feel. As time passes, the person will remember little of what happened after the tragity. They won't remember Birthdays, movies, dinners. All they will remember is the tragity it'self. They most likely will not remember the times you helped, hugged and loved. But in time, they will remember that you did do something.

B2B

[drbill]

Sounds like a good reason to avoid commited relationships (just teasing).

[Dennis]

And how much money did the government spend to learn something that most of us already knew?

[Photographic Mercenary]

I am faced with the same loss also.
Nothing prepares us for this part of life.
I have been going down this path solo now for 15 months and it sucks.
It is also so plain to see now how many do not survive this loss.
No one has the right answers for we all process this differently.
What got me thru those first dark days was my dog.
He came up to me and the look was:
You either get your ass out of bed now or I am going to take a massive crap right here!
We all seem to face the loss of doing things we enjoyed.
Kind of "Let me know when we get to the fun part."
The sharing, the spar and parry of a loving relationship.
Is tough to live without.
I did seek out help, but had to stop going to the mental health professionals, all they wanted to do was medicate me.
So I sought out the true observers of human nature, bar tenders, hair stylist, and all night diner waitreses.
They know people.

Does it get any easier?
no.
It's just not as hard.

Hang in there.
Try to find joy when you can.

I'm still in the mode of "You do not want to be the first person to really piss me off."

We were married for 24 years, 83 days, 14 hours and 53 minutes but whose counting.

norm

[Geek]

When I got separated from my ex, my cholesterol dropped 95 points and my blood pressure dropped 10 points. I'm convinced that if I had stayed with her I'd have had a heart attack by now.

[Colorado Shark Guy]

But I disagree that this is the main problem with the surviving spouse or SO. I believe that we need to understand how the survivor feels. We need to understand what is going on in their minds. The problem with them is that they have lost part of them. At the risk of sounding like a Bible Thumper, the Bible says “and for this cause, a man shall leave his Mother and Father, cleave unto his wife, and the two shall become one flesh” I have never believe that passage referred only to the act of sex. I believe that it meant that the two of us should become one person. Not that we lose who we are as individuals. But that my actions and thoughts are directed toward “us”. It is not “what would make me happy”, but “what would make us happy”. So for me, it is easy to see why the survivor would fall ill and even die after losing his or her partner. For they have not simply lost a partner, they have lost part of themselves. No different than if they had lost an arm, or a leg.

I you can imagine waking up one day, and no longer having the ability to dive, no longer liking the things you liked the day before, no longer knowing how to even plan your day, no longer knowing what to fix for dinner, or even what clothes to wear. Or if you can imagine waking up after an accident to find that your leg and arm on one side has been removed, and that you can not see out of both eyes. If you can imagine that, then you are on your way to understanding why the survivor does poorly after the loss. If you can imagine what it is like to try and “go on” with only half of you left, if you can imagine what it is like to “get over it” when nothing will ever bring that back. Then you are are on the verge of understanding.

People told me that I “have to learn to laugh again”, and that I have “to get over it”. People, the only thing I HAVE to do is stay white, and die. I understand the desire of my friends to see me laughing as I once did. Yet they seem to fail to understand why I can not laugh. Probably because they never truly understood why I laughed in the first place. I laughed because my life was complete. I needed nothing more. The emptiness I had felt all of my life before her was gone, and I was filled with a joy that goes beyond understanding. I laughed because I was truly happy. Even during the hard times, I was so happy and complete with her. She was a part of me. No less than a lung, leg or my heart, she was part of me. She was literally my reason for living. Now, that reason is gone.

It is hard being the friend of someone who's SO is ill or has passed away. You want to help in some way. And if you are a true friend, you find yourself becoming frustrated because there seems to be nothing you can do. And you are right! Your words are meaningless, they fall upon deaf ears. Your actions mean nothing, they are not observed. Your love is useless, for it is given to someone who can no longer feel. Unless you have a magic wand that you can waive and cure the illness, or bring back the dead, there is little you can do to help.

But do not give up trying. Keep speaking the words to the deaf ears, keep hugging that person who does not hug back, keep loving the one who can not feel. As time passes, the person will remember little of what happened after the tragity. They won't remember Birthdays, movies, dinners. All they will remember is the tragity it'self. They most likely will not remember the times you helped, hugged and loved. But in time, they will remember that you did do something. They will remember that you tried, and that is what counts. So even though your efforts seem to do nothing, take courage in knowing that these efforts do, in fact, have an effect.

If one could fully understand how the survivor feels and thinks, then the study to determine if the loss of a spouse can effect the survivor would be pointless. If we could understand the survivor, would would know, without a doubt.

Can the loss of a loved one kill you? It most certainly can. Unfortunately, in my case, it did not.

[Colorado Shark Guy]

But I disagree that this is the main problem with the surviving spouse or SO. I believe that we need to understand how the survivor feels. We need to understand what is going on in their minds. The problem with them is that they have lost part of them. At the risk of sounding like a Bible Thumper, the Bible says “and for this cause, a man shall leave his Mother and Father, cleave unto his wife, and the two shall become one flesh” I have never believe that passage referred only to the act of sex. I believe that it meant that the two of us should become one person. Not that we lose who we are as individuals. But that my actions and thoughts are directed toward “us”. It is not “what would make me happy”, but “what would make us happy”. So for me, it is easy to see why the survivor would fall ill and even die after losing his or her partner. For they have not simply lost a partner, they have lost part of themselves. No different than if they had lost an arm, or a leg.

I you can imagine waking up one day, and no longer having the ability to dive, no longer liking the things you liked the day before, no longer knowing how to even plan your day, no longer knowing what to fix for dinner, or even what clothes to wear. Or if you can imagine waking up after an accident to find that your leg and arm on one side has been removed, and that you can not see out of both eyes. If you can imagine that, then you are on your way to understanding why the survivor does poorly after the loss. If you can imagine what it is like to try and “go on” with only half of you left, if you can imagine what it is like to “get over it” when nothing will ever bring that back. Then you are are on the verge of understanding.

People told me that I “have to learn to laugh again”, and that I have “to get over it”. People, the only thing I HAVE to do is stay white, and die. I understand the desire of my friends to see me laughing as I once did. Yet they seem to fail to understand why I can not laugh. Probably because they never truly understood why I laughed in the first place. I laughed because my life was complete. I needed nothing more. The emptiness I had felt all of my life before her was gone, and I was filled with a joy that goes beyond understanding. I laughed because I was truly happy. Even during the hard times, I was so happy and complete with her. She was a part of me. No less than a lung, leg or my heart, she was part of me. She was literally my reason for living. Now, that reason is gone.

It is hard being the friend of someone who's SO is ill or has passed away. You want to help in some way. And if you are a true friend, you find yourself becoming frustrated because there seems to be nothing you can do. And you are right! Your words are meaningless, they fall upon deaf ears. Your actions mean nothing, they are not observed. Your love is useless, for it is given to someone who can no longer feel. Unless you have a magic wand that you can waive and cure the illness, or bring back the dead, there is little you can do to help.

But do not give up trying. Keep speaking the words to the deaf ears, keep hugging that person who does not hug back, keep loving the one who can not feel. As time passes, the person will remember little of what happened after the tragity. They won't remember Birthdays, movies, dinners. All they will remember is the tragity it'self. They most likely will not remember the times you helped, hugged and loved. But in time, they will remember that you did do something. They will remember that you tried, and that is what counts. So even though your efforts seem to do nothing, take courage in knowing that these efforts do, in fact, have an effect.

If one could fully understand how the survivor feels and thinks, then the study to determine if the loss of a spouse can effect the survivor would be pointless. If we could understand the survivor, would would know, without a doubt.

Can the loss of a loved one kill you? It most certainly can. Unfortunately, in my case, it did not.

I completely agree with Dive_buddy... My wife and I were together for 13 years before her cancer returned... she was diagnosed with cervical cancer 3 days before our wedding. We pretty much forgot about it after the surgery and spend the happiest years of our lives together..then the cancer returned, she had to have a lung removed - we were told '(they) got it all', then it came back 3 months later... four months after my grandmother died, (my last living relative ) to her liver, throat and brain.... I brought her to a doctor's appointment on Tuesday, she died on Friday....

Without the support of my best friend and her family, I probably wouldn't be here right now... it does get easier, but the first year you (I) sometimes wish I had gone instead or with her.... so, yes, death of a spouse can kill you and, like Dive_buddy, it hasn't done so yet.

[C-Food]

I can remember some of my older relatives talking about surviving spouses dying from a "broken heart" and in some cases, I think it's true.

Since I've been in health care for a long time, I've seen a lot of caretakers (wives, sons, daughters, etc.) who do everything for the person they are caring for - to the point of ignoring their own health. I am including myself in this catagory since I was the sole caretaker of my grandmother for almost 20 yrs. I can't even tell you the depths of emotion I personally had to endure. I have had good friends who have taken care of parents with Alzheimer's disease who have had sudden downturns in their own health after the parent has passed away. So, in answer to the topic - Yes, if you don't have support from friends and family, you could very well end up in very bad health or face death yourself. There are a lot of support groups out there for many health conditions, and if you or one of your friends is a caretaker, you should encourage them to participate. Some of the support groups have online communities - something I wish I had had at the time when my grandmother was at her worst. It would have been nice to get encouragement from anywhere - especially if you can't leave the house to go talk to anyone.

One more point - the Visiting Nurses Association employs angels on earth! I couldn't have made it the last few weeks of my grandmother's life without them. They have a special place in my heart.