28 replies to this topic

[Twinklez]

I am the kind of person that I would drop everything for someone else. How come when you are single thats weak and unattractive...but when your married its required because the woman always has to be happy all ALL costs. "if mamas not happy..."

You know I've often wondered that same thing. It applies to both men and women though. It's not just guys dropping everything for women. I don't think I've ever met a man who dropped anything for me. (Maybe I'm looking at the wrong ones. Further investigation needed in that area.)

When you're single if you hang around waiting or come running anytime your prospect calls, it is considered weak, needy, clingy, unattractive or a variety of other negative things.

But when you're married and are aloof, mysterious and your own person; quite often the other half doesn't view that quality quite the same as he or she did before. Then again, it's not always the other person's view point that changes. Sometimes it's us...thinking things are supposed to be different.

We say that marriage isn't supposed to change us, but it does. In fact, speaking for myself, just the prospect of any type of commitment wreaks havoc on my heart and head. It's that insanity thing I mentioned in the other thread. Or, is it? I just know that my heart and head get into one hell of an argument just thinking about it and anyone in my path becomes subject to my ups and downs - especially him (whoever he might be).

I can't seem to figure out what it is I should be doing. People say to be yourself. Well I'm a very friendly, open, touchy, feely kinds of person. When I start to get wrapped up in someone else I want to see them and talk to them and do things together, alot. I don't call cause I don't want to call too much. But what if I don't call and he thinks I'm not all that interested? What if I do call and I smother him with attention? All these stupid questions start bouncing back and forth between my heart and my head beating me up from the inside out until I'm a complete basket case. Anyone that might have liked me for who I am is at that point running for dear life with the sound effects from Psycho pounding in their head.

I don't think the rules change as much as we do. I think we do what we think we're supposed to do, when all we should be doing is being ourselves.

[jeff]

My head feels the EXACT way your does when I meet someone. I only know how to be myself. Poeple need to speak their mind and stop getting relationship "rules" from sitcoms. I don't wanna play, I just want to be happy and help someone special be happy.

[Walter]

I disagree with the entire, "if momma's not happy" concept. Weak is weak. No one should let another person run their life like that.

[jeff]

I disagree with the entire, "if momma's not happy" concept. Weak is weak. No one should let another person run their life like that.

i agree, but wat ya gonna do

[finGrabber]

I disagree with the entire, "if momma's not happy" concept. Weak is weak. No one should let another person run their life like that.

i agree, but wat ya gonna do

find someone who doesn't play games??

I think it's ok to put someone first in your life, but not after alot of getting to know each other...lets face it, not everyone is worthy of receiving the gifts you, Jeff, are willing to give

I am still looking for that one person who is worthy myself so I understand your frustation

[Twinklez]

I disagree with the entire, "if momma's not happy" concept. Weak is weak. No one should let another person run their life like that.

It's not about someone else running our lives. It's more how we run our lives, and why.

Marriage is a conract, an agreement, a commitment whether it's emotional, spiritual, financial or all of those for you. With that comes certain expections, many imposed by ourselves, and most of which are implied and seldom if ever discussed.

Dating has phases (for lack of a better description). There's the "I'm totally single and you're kinda cute" phase. There's the "I'd really like to see more of you phase." The "I'm interested in seeing only you phase." Somewhere in there depending on your belief structure the "I'd really like to get to know you BETTER" phase. Maybe the "Let's see if we can live together" phase. You get the picture.

Each phase of a relationship comes with a different set of expectations for each of us, some spoken and some implied but seldom the same for all. We go along doing what we think we're supposed to be doing for that particular phase of the relationship. We impose rules and expectations on ourselves, and probably some on our partner in this dance, but we don't often talk about them so we don't really know if what we think we're supposed to do is in agreement with what the other person thinks.

So you've had a couple of screwed up relationships and you're no longer quite sure what a normal relationship is supposed to be like. The expectations tend to get a bit blurred and you end up doing what you think you're supposed to do based on what you know.

The "If you always do what you've always done" statement is great, but quite often when you change it up you may still not get it write...you just get a different wrong.

[WreckWench]

Look do you give money to any charity that pops on the internet or has a can in hand and asks for a donation? Or do you check them out to see if they are reputable first and then give generosly of your time and money?

I think most do the latter.

So why then do people give their affection, devotion, time, energy and eventually love without checking out and verifying who someone is? And some email exchange or IM over the internet, or even a few dates do not constitute 'verifying who they are and checking them out'.

Hormones...neediness...loneliness...and the list goes on causes us to hastily decide somehow that this person is worthy of all we have to offer so we start offering it up. STOP IT! It will only lead to being victimized, taken advantage of and misused. However when you inadvertantly set yourself up for it...who can you really blame?


Do like fingrabber says and hold out for someone worth giving the best of who you are too!

[Twinklez]

Agreed....I've dated 2 different men in the course of a year. One of them only once. It's not because I hide in a hole. On the other hand I'm not out there trolling the bars every weekend either. Eligible prospectives are few and far between out there and after a couple of bad choices I've come to be much more cautious about who I allow into my inner circle.

But we were talking about that in the Question for Women thread.

In this thread we're talking about how people act differently, or change the rules and themselves from the first time they meet, through each phase of a relationship to marriage or termination, and why they do what they do.

Is it because that's what their mate says they expect?
Is it because they think it's what they're supposed to do?
Is it because it pleases the other person?
Is it because they're worried about what those outside the relationship might think?

I'm sure it's all that and a whole lot of other things, but least of all because it's who they are. It's a rare person who remains true to his or herself when two are to become one.

So what's the deal? How can a relationship survive if the two people in it are constantly changing themselves to meet perceived expectations? Often it's the traits that initially attracted us to each other that end up changing.

[Walter]

i agree, but wat ya gonna do

Well, I can't speak for you, but what I do is immediately dump anyone who shows that attitude. Someone who is that selfish is not someone with whom I want to associate, I certainly don't want to be involved on a romantic level. As long as you believe you have no choice, you will have no choice. By accepting that mindset, you are projecting to the world and especially to potential mates that you do not value yourself. If you don't think you're worthy, why would a woman think you are worthy? Believe in yourself, don't accept bad behavior just because she has a cute face.

It's not about someone else running our lives.

Of course it is. The entire, if "momma ain't happy, nobody's happy" is emotional black mail. When that is in a relationship, the woman is telling her SO, she'll make him miserable unless he gives her exactly what she wants, that his needs and wants aren't important. He is less than her and he has to agree of she will make him wish he did. Fortunately, there are many good healthy relationships in which each person looks out for their partner as well as themselves.

[Twinklez]

It's not about someone else running our lives.

Of course it is. The entire, if "momma ain't happy, nobody's happy" is emotional black mail. When that is in a relationship, the woman is telling her SO, she'll make him miserable unless he gives her exactly what she wants, that his needs and wants aren't important. He is less than her and he has to agree of she will make him wish he did. Fortunately, there are many good healthy relationships in which each person looks out for their partner as well as themselves.

Don't hang on that "momma" line...I almost deleted that part of the original quote. The point I'm trying to make is that a lot of people think things (or the rules) change as a relationship gets more serious, but really it's often their perception of the way things should be.

No one forces us. We willingly do what we think we're supposed to do no matter how it makes us feel. No doubt those who do this need to stop. But in order to change behavior, it pretty important to know what it is that makes us do what we do.

Ok, so the rules don't really change; why do we? This isn't a should we or shouldn't we question; it's do we, and why?

When I feel desparate or needy, I don't always know what it is that makes me feel that way. And if I don't know, then how can I fix it. I like me, so it's not that. Do I worry about what others think of me? Yes, I do; but that's not what makes me bend. My life isn't fabulous, but I've made some terrific changes over the last year so I'm very thankful to be a whole lot better off in many ways that I was before. I have a few minor material wants and all of my worldly necessities are met. I lack love...but then again, do I? Or maybe it's just the romance I lack.

I'm asking myself questions, and I'm putting those same questions out here for all of you who bend, and though I do it less and less these days, I know I'm not the only one. So if you do, then why?

Edited by Twinklez, 13 January 2007 - 09:04 PM.

[Walter]

Don't hang on that "momma" line...

Don't hang on it? It's the point of this entire thread.

[WreckWench]

Regarding the question whether the rules change or do we...

I think expectations change from the various stages of dating culminating in marriage. And rightly they should. However, I think it is important to talk about these changes so that each party understands the natural evolution and why things have changed. It may even spark a discussion to 'now allow' certain things to change that might otherwise.

OTOH...people also change as well. Good relationships are like roses buds...as they blossom, petals open up until the full flower is revealed. The final product is the same aka a rose but it has changed aka a full bloom vs. rose bud. I think people are the same way.

[annasea]

<snip> Good relationships are like roses buds...as they blossom, petals open up until the full flower is revealed. The final product is the same aka a rose but it has changed aka a full bloom vs. rose bud. I think people are the same way.

Hey, that's nice... I like that.

[Walter]

Once upon a time a couple fell in love and were soon married. Everything was perfect. Well, everything was almost perfect, there was just one tiny little thing about him that annoyed her, but everything else was perfect. Knowing that communications is the key to a successful relationship, she expressed her concern over this one little point. He loved her and while change was difficult, he tried to chamge this one little thing for her. He wasn't always successful at first, but with hard work and her helpful reminders, eventually he was successful in making the change. Now everything really was perfect. Well, she hadn't noticed it at first, but there was this other thing............... Over the years of their marriage, this was the pattern, she asked him to change, so he did. She asked him to change so he did. After all, she loved him and wanted things to be perfect. He loved her and would do anything to make her happy. They both wanted to stay together forever.

One day after 10 years of marriage, she told him she wanted a divorce. He was floored! "Why?" he asked.

Her reply, "You're not the man I married."

[WreckWench]

Once upon a time a couple fell in love and were soon married. Everything was perfect. Well, everything was almost perfect, there was just one tiny little thing about him that annoyed her, but everything else was perfect. Knowing that communications is the key to a successful relationship, she expressed her concern over this one little point. He loved her and while change was difficult, he tried to chamge this one little thing for her. He wasn't always successful at first, but with hard work and her helpful reminders, eventually he was successful in making the change. Now everything really was perfect. Well, she hadn't noticed it at first, but there was this other thing............... Over the years of their marriage, this was the pattern, she asked him to change, so he did. She asked him to change so he did. After all, she loved him and wanted things to be perfect. He loved her and would do anything to make her happy. They both wanted to stay together forever.

One day after 10 years of marriage, she told him she wanted a divorce. He was floored! "Why?" he asked.

Her reply, "You're not the man I married."

Ok at the risk of looking silly...but this is a joke to prove your point right? Please tell me this didn't really happen!