330 replies to this topic

[annasea]

I just finished reading the book "He's Just Not That Into You" and boy, was it something! My only criticism is that it was too short - a mere 165 pages.

For those of you who aren't familiar with it, it's a book for women - written by a man and a woman - explaining men's behaviours in relationships. The subtitle is "The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys".

My question to the men: why is it so hard to be honest and upfront with a woman if you're just not that interested in pursuing or continuing a relationship with her?

Apparently, men "...would rather lose an arm out a city bus window than tell you simply, 'You're not the one.' We are quite sure you will kill us or yourself or both - even worse, cry and yell at us. We are pathetic."

(Remember, this quote is coming from a heterosexual man.)

So why do so many men behave in such a cowardly fashion? Why is it so difficult to tell women the truth - even in instances where we've asked for it - rather than just 'disappear' (i.e. stop calling, emailing, etc.)? Do men really have that little respect, consideration, and courtesy for women?

Since I doubt most of the men on this forum are like this please share stories about your friends.

[Walter]

A better question is, "Why are people unwilling to be upfront in such situations?"

This is an honesty problem with some men and some women.

When a woman is asked out, if she's not interested will almost always give an excuse. If the woman is interested, but has a conflict, she'll explain (sounds like an excuse), but then will counter with another time. It's extremely rare for a woman to honestly say they simply aren't interested.

[Big O]

You have my interest here.

Who wrote the book?

A "self" proclaimed expert?

I'm nothing like that, so I can't see why someone would be like that.

But I'm sure many are.

D

[steelemagnolia6]

Very true Walter, we seem to live in a society that won't tell the truth no matter what the situation.

I think that both sexes need to be up front and honest with each other, If you aren't interested then tell them so. and don't use that line it's not you it's me, that is one of the most devastating lines that anyone can use. Because a person says to themself, yeah right something is wrong with me. I can confess to having said it myself once with horrible results, and then having it said to me at a later time and thinking OMG now I understand how that person felt.

I always do my best to be kind when I am saying no to someone but I will be honest and tell them that I am not interested in a romantic relationship with them. I think that I have gained the respect of people (men) by being honest with them, and several of them have gone on to be my greatest friends...

So tell the truth it may sting both parties a bit at the time but everyone will come out the better for it, and you won't have as much trouble facing yourself in the mirror...

[randy54]

Fear of a womens scorn comes to mind.

Why is it so hard for women to accept what men are telling them, if it conflicts with what the women wants?

Why with 50 dresses in the closet cann't a women find anything to wear?

Shoes? Lets not go there.


I like what I have in my house, but you want to redecorate, because it's too macho. Yea, I'm a guy.


LOL this can go forever.

[steelemagnolia6]

oh randy my little cold heart is broken are you saying that I can't redecorate your house, and that you won't give up the closets for all my shoes?????


I don't know how I can go on......sighing deeply and placing my hand on forehead!!!!!!!!!!!

[annasea]

I hear what you're saying Walter, but I can only speak for myself. I personally don't have a hard time telling someone I'm not interested. It's always awkward, but it's doable and respectful.

I think though, you might have misunderstood my question a bit, or had gotten sidetracked.

I understand that it's awkward saying 'no' when someone first asks you out. But, if you're seeing someone, whether it be 1 month or 6 months, why is it so hard to let the woman know you no longer want to see her? So many men just stop calling altogether with no explanation. This book had a whole chapter devoted to this issue. (Mind you, it WAS a very short book!)

Why aren't people (meaning men) more courteous and respectful of women? Especially once sex is involved.

[Tolly]

Please forgive the use of "you", "I", etc. Not intended to be a characterization of anyone involved in this post.....

My question to the men: why is it so hard to be honest and upfront with a woman if you're just not that interested in pursuing or continuing a relationship with her?

My question to you would be why do women (not the women of SD of course) do the exact same thing in all other facets of the relationship and as Walter asked the initial interest?

To answer your question, from my viewpoint, what is the likelihood the women I am breaking up with feels the same way? Usually, not likely at all and then comes the real hardship, trying to tell her why.....

because there usually isn't any one reason.....
and each reason can be easily dismissed on its own merits.

because we don't want you to feel rejected.....
because you probably are a damn fine person....for someone else.

Ultimately, we don't won't to hurt you, don't want to cause you sadness or any loss of self worth.

Like women, men are terribly complex and we usually can't logically explain our feelings to you any more than you can to us. But yet, too often we are confronted by you and and accounting of or feelings is demanded of us by you

This is the point where the "its not you, its me" bs starts, which, by the way, we get from you just as often.

[steelemagnolia6]

Very well put Tolly.....


Communication there in lies the key....... if we'd all just talk you'd be surprised what you could find out.....

[Walter]

Tolly, you make excellent points, but it's a coward's way out and is not a way that is respectful of the woman's feelings.

[Latitude Adjustment]

It's not just a guy thing, when I had a profile on Match.com it said clearly "I will only date women who are divers, wanting to live on a sailboat in the tropics would be a plus."
I still got e-mails from women who had never dove, divers who had quit because of panic attacks and women afraid of the water.
Maybe like with "I'm not into you" they just aren't listening!

[WileEDiver]

I hear what you're saying Walter, but I can only speak for myself. I personally don't have a hard time telling someone I'm not interested. It's always awkward, but it's doable and respectful.

I think though, you might have misunderstood my question a bit, or had gotten sidetracked.

I understand that it's awkward saying 'no' when someone first asks you out. But, if you're seeing someone, whether it be 1 month or 6 months, why is it so hard to let the woman know you no longer want to see her? So many men just stop calling altogether with no explanation. This book had a whole chapter devoted to this issue. (Mind you, it WAS a very short book!)

Why aren't people (meaning men) more courteous and respectful of women? Especially once sex is involved.

I agree that you're speaking for yourself and what I'm guessing are experiences you've had with some men.

From the male perspective, I can assure you that there are women out there just as guilty of what you are attributing to be a male trait.

[steelemagnolia6]

I'll be the first to admit that women can certainly be vicious when breaking it off with a man. It seems that some gals are driven by something inside them to destroy the man that they are dumping.

I can only speak for what I have done in my own life and I have always tried to live my life with respect for the person that I am involved with and myself. I like being able to look at myself in the mirror. I can't say that I haven't hurt some folks along the way but I wish every day that I hadn't because it comes back on you threefold.

Being considerate of someone's feeling doesn't mean that you just disappear on them. That is being cowardly. You need to face them and tell them the truth, not in an email or over the phone, unless you truly think that this person might do you some kind of harm.... This goes for both women and men.

[drdiver]

I agree that you're speaking for yourself and what I'm guessing are experiences you've had with some men.

From the male perspective, I can assure you that there are women out there just as guilty of what you are attributing to be a male trait.

I agree with this 100%. To be honest, I have done it to some women and had it done to me. Why did I do it? A couple of times, I didn't want to go through a possibly emotional or violent reaction. I have a very bad history of getting involved with women because I felt sorry for them. In the past year, I have made a promise to myself to run for the hills when I meet someone who has major problems. All my buttons get pushed by this and I end up either being dumped because of the problems or bankrupted.

[annasea]

OK, Walter's back on track but I'm not sure about some of the others!

I'm not trying to get men on the defensive, but the truth is that more men seem to behave this way than women; not just in my experiences, but those of my friends and friends of friends as well. This isn't a trait that I personally have attributed to men, it's the viewpoint of the authors - who are both a woman and a man. The man did most of the writing, advising, and commenting; the woman just added in her two cents worth to what he was saying. It also seems to be the viewpoint of a hell of a lot of women - this book has been huge and quite an eye opener!

Tolly, you make a very good point when you write that you don't want to hurt a woman's feelings or make her feel rejected. But isn't it far more disrespectful, inconsiderate and cowardly to ignore her and just hope she goes away? (Even Walter agrees with me - thanks Walter!) Women are very resilient people and can handle pretty much anything that is thrown at them - including rejection.

Men would earn much more respect from women if they were just honest more often. As well, women might earn more respect from men in the future if we dumped them at the first signs of trouble, rather than waiting for them to dump us. It might show men (the bad ones that is, not the fine men on this forum! ) that women will no longer settle for less than expected and put up with their bad behaviour.

It's just a thought . . . :anna: