71 replies to this topic

[David Evans]

The Rules

GUIDE: For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works. Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies:

Make the woman happy.

Do something she likes, and you get no points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed ...........................................+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.... 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...................-1

You leave the toilet seat up..................................-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty............ 0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom...........-2

You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings.....+5
in the snow...................................................+8
but return with beer..........................................-5
and no liners................................................-25

You check out a suspicious noise at night..................... 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing............ 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something..........+5
You pummel it with a six iron................................+10
It's her cat.................................................-40

AT THE PARTY

You stay by her side the entire party............. 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a College drinking buddy......-2
Named Tiffany.....................................-4
Tiffany is a dancer..............................-10
With breast implants.............................-18

HER BIRTHDAY

You remember her birthday................................0
You buy a card and flowers...............................0
You take her out to dinner.............................. 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar....+1
Okay, it is a sports bar................................-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night..........................-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team....-10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

Go with a pal.........................................0
The pal is happily married...........................+1
The pal is single....................................-7
He drives a Ferrari.................................-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 NBED)........-15

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER

You take her to a movie...................+2
You take her to a movie she likes.........+4
You take her to a movie you hate..........+6
You take her to a movie you like..........-2
It's called Death Cop 3...................-3
Which features Cyborgs that eat humans....-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans.....-15

YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable pot belly................-15
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it......+10
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and b**** Hawaiian shirts..........-30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too"...-800

THE BIG QUESTION

She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
You hesitate in responding......-10
You reply, "Where?".............................-35
You reply, "No, I think it's your xxx".........-100
Any other response..............................-20

COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen,displaying a concerned expression............0
You listen, for over 30 minutes .....................+5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience.......+50
Your mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying "Well, what do you think I should do ?".......-50
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV......+ 60
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep....... - 100

[David Evans]

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,
"Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports
required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I
can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would
honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing's wrong,' and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

[annasea]

Awww, poor men!

Try living on the other side of the fence, my friends, it certainly isn't any easier!

[drbill]

You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings.....+5
in the snow...................................................+8
but return with beer..........................................-5
and no liners................................................-25

I remember the first time an SO asked me to do this. I almost went ballistic. There was no way I was going to walk down and buy tampons for her. I would never ask her to buy condoms for me. It caused a real argument. Since she wasn't feeling well, I should have just done it for her but I just couldn't at first. I finally relented.

You're right Annasea... the other side of the fence is always impossible to fathom for either gender. Once again, it comes down to open communication.

[Basslet]

the other side of the fence is always impossible to fathom for either gender. Once again, it comes down to open communication.

You know, I don't think you're a real man. You're a ringer.

[annasea]

You're right Annasea... the other side of the fence is always impossible to fathom for either gender. Once again, it comes down to open communication.

Ah, yes, the always elusive 'c' word. If only your side would do it more often!

(Except of course yourself, drbill, in addition to Walter and David Evans. )

[blacklatexozdiver]

You leave the toilet seat up..................................-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty............ 0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom...........-2

How about putting the seat up at 45º?

[Diverbrian]

A comment:

I always hated it when she would find something to do and magically want to start telling me about her problems in the last two minutes of the tight sporting event that she encouraged me to watch in order to stay out of her hair. Then, I lost about 1000 points when I muted or turned off the TV in order to listen to her without distractions.

Communication is important, but if it is not allowed to be a two way street without yelling and screaming on her part then you have a problem. Been there, done that!

PS mentioning a similar experience on your part can be demerits for being selfish!

Edited by Diverbrian, 21 June 2005 - 10:37 AM.

[ScubaHawk]

You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings.....+5
in the snow...................................................+8
but return with beer..........................................-5
and no liners................................................-25

I remember the first time an SO asked me to do this. I almost went ballistic. There was no way I was going to walk down and buy tampons for her. I would never ask her to buy condoms for me. It caused a real argument. Since she wasn't feeling well, I should have just done it for her but I just couldn't at first. I finally relented.

You're right Annasea... the other side of the fence is always impossible to fathom for either gender. Once again, it comes down to open communication.

I never understood why some men have that reaction, ex-S.O. was hesitant to ask me the first time (I was going to the store and asked her if she needed anything) I pointed out that buying tampons doesn't faze me in the least. Odds are the cashier uses them herself and probably knows they ain't for me.

P.S. Annasea - I called a woman the "C" word one time. She decked me!!! - Maybe we aren't talking about the same "C" word

[annasea]

P.S. Annasea - I called a woman the "C" word one time. She decked me!!! - Maybe we aren't talking about the same "C" word 

Oh my!!! I doubt that we are. Mine has 13 letters -- I think yours has only 4!

[jextract]

Hey, it's just an acronym!


I've learned that it is all about the compromise. I'll leave the seat down but don't bug me if USC's on the TV. I'll take you to the symphony (which I would go to on my own anyway but don't think I'd tell you this and give away my bargaining position) but you have to go to Ozzfest with me. See? I'm an agreeable sort!

[drdiver]

Oh my!!! I doubt that we are. Mine has 13 letters -- I think yours has only 4! tongue.gif

You're a chronographer?

[annasea]

Hey, it's just an acronym! 

Oh, really?! For what?

I've learned that it is all about the compromise.  I'll leave the seat down but don't bug me if USC's on the TV.  I'll take you to the symphony (which I would go to on my own anyway but don't think I'd tell you this and give away my bargaining position) but you have to go to Ozzfest with me.  See?  I'm an agreeable sort!

Indeed you are -- but you're spoken for! But what about that best friend of yours? :anna: :anna:

[blacklatexozdiver]

Indeed you are -- but you're spoken for! But what about that best friend of yours? :anna: :anna:

Who needs his best friend when you've got an Aussie here single!

[jextract]

Hey, it's just an acronym! 

Oh, really?! For what?

I've learned that it is all about the compromise.  I'll leave the seat down but don't bug me if USC's on the TV.  I'll take you to the symphony (which I would go to on my own anyway but don't think I'd tell you this and give away my bargaining position) but you have to go to Ozzfest with me.  See?  I'm an agreeable sort!

Indeed you are -- but you're spoken for! But what about that best friend of yours? :anna: :anna:

I'll get moderator action for sure. But hey, given our moderators, that might not be such a bad thing ............ if ya know what I'm sayin'!

My best friend is a couple of years older than I am, and lives here in San Pedro. That might be tough communtin' distance for the two of you. Unless you feel like relocating! His house has an ocean view!