39 replies to this topic

[scubagirl]

I was asked this question the other day and thought who better to ask but my SD buddies, so here it goes. Question....the first few months of a relationship is exciting, right? The euphoria settles down a bit. Then the real world sets in and you get to know eachother better. You want to be with him or her 24/7 in the beginning but now you wouldn't mind little breaks here and there. Then you start having your doubts about your feelings. Does that mean you don't love him or her? You know they are a good catch, you get along well. You think alike. You can even tell what the other is feeling. You feel in sync with one another. You go over the "list" and it is all positive.....but....... So if you were posed this question, how would you respond?

[shadragon]

Self doubt is always a factor in relationships. You start asking yourself if it is too good to be true. If you have checked your "list" and everything is there then you should be able to enjoy it. If not, there may be something amiss and you are unconsciously detecting it. Hard to advise you when we are dealing in generalities, but when it feels right it usually is. If you want to take a break then there may something wrong...

Clear as mud?

[drbill]

You mean relationships last longer than one night?

Although I haven't been in one in a while (but am working on it), most of my best relationships began as friendships, continued into romance and intimacy, and are still friendships afterwards. If I truly liked the person before we became involved, I should still like them afterwards since we already knew one another reasonably well.

I rarely meet someone "fresh" (new to me) and start dating them right away. I like to get to know a woman first through mutually shared experiences (like diving!). Maybe that affects the stages in my relationships... I hope so. But I do recognize the stages you refer to from my early relationships.

[WreckWench]

Hmm....very interesting question. Yes the first part of the relationship is intoxicating like Platyman says...the chase is exciting...every little nuance and every word has meaning...it is sooooooooo good in fact that many poople I know are addicted to new relationships...in fact they never progress beyond them.

Soon you want to spend all your time together and if you are wise you won't. Why? Well you'll lose your identity for one and you'll burn out for two. The biggest turn on about anything in life is wishing, hoping, desire...the chase or the journey...usually we are not nearly as satisfied with the end result as we were with the journey. And the journey lasts longer than the end result...so always figure out how to keep your relationship a journey and not a 'end result' and it will last forever.

But many people say of course a relationship is a journey...but how many times do think to yourself..well I have this person all figured out....or now that we are living together there isn't much left to dream about...you get the idea.

So time is the real answer and how you approached BUILDING your relationship with this person. Did you throw everything into it and burn out the fuel too quickly or have you been revealing yourself and your dreams and leaving some desire for the longer haul so that it is more like a rose that blooms one petal at a time rather than all at once?

[Brinybay]

I like what WW said. You need to give each other some breathing room. If it's a solid relationship, it won't hurt it.

Edited by Brinybay, 10 April 2007 - 11:19 AM.

[drbill]

I like what WW said. You need to give each other some breathing room. If it's a solid relationship, it won't hurt it.

Is that with SCUBA tanks or without?

[WreckWench]

I like what WW said. You need to give each other some breathing room. If it's a solid relationship, it won't hurt it.

Is that with SCUBA tanks or without?

Preferably WITH!!!

[WreckWench]

And if not a full tank at least a pony!

[Brinybay]

And if not a full tank at least a pony!

I thought size mattered?

[jholley309]

And if not a full tank at least a pony!

I thought size mattered?

It's not the size that counts, it's how you use it...

For once, I shall restrain myself from offering my definition of "love", and instead offer a couple of examples based on firsthand experience. First, the bad one:

Seperated woman, going through somewhat messy divorce proceedings, two energetic but otherwise wonderful boys. We went on a couple of dates, and quickly "fell in love". I think the deciding factor is that I was the only man her dog had ever been enthusiastic about even though I am not, strictly speaking, a dog person. The relationship went on for a number of months, during which time I spent more time at her house than at mine. (In the interest of full disclosure, she was after all a very talented chef and all of her tools of the trade were in her kitchen, not mine.) Everything was going along fine, if a little strained at times because of the pressure from the soon-to-be-ex. Then one day, the world fell apart. To make a long story less long, things went from "I love you!" to "Come get your things, I'll leave them on the back porch when I take the kids to baseball practice" in the span of a few days.

Now for the good, and incidentally current, situation:

Single woman, university linguistics professor, never married, no kids. Very affectionate and open to the point of bluntness, she is a refreshing change from any other woman I've ever been in a relationship with. She says what she means, and means what she says. No guesswork, no coy little games. Great sense of humor, and quite playful. One little hitch, though: she happens to live roughly 5,500 miles away. That's a tad far to go to take your girlfriend out for dinner. Trust me; I speak from experience. Anyway, even through the difficulty of seperation and limited opportunities to communicate (other than e-mail) we have gotten very close, and could be described as "in love". When we first met in person, the chemistry was instant and intense. As soon as I got back from my first trip to see her, we immediately started planning for my next trip. We both are focused on the same goal: marriage and kids. I still have to ask, and she still has to say yes, but if I did she would. Bear in mind that we both realize that if (or when) that time comes, we will essentially be marrying a stranger; even as good as our communication is, it is no substitute for spending time with someone in their natural habitat and observing their behavioural patterns under everyday conditions. And yet, she is willing to take that step, and so am I. Why is that?

It comes down to choice. We choose to be in this relationship. It's difficult, and there are times when both of us have asked ourselves "What the h@&$ are we doing?". But we have made a decision to share our lives inasmuch as we can under the present arrangement, and we are both happier people for it. The woman in the first example didn't get that. When things got difficult or just not as much fun anymore, she decided to move on. There's that word again: choice. Decision. Determination. Call it whatever you want, that is what determines whether a relationship lasts or not.

Okay, I tried to resist, but I simply can't. I've said it here before and I'll say it again: love is not an emotion. Love is an action; a choice. People don't "fall into" or "out of" love; they are experiencing the phenomenon of chemistry. And just like in your high school chemistry lab, what happens when the reaction is finished, and all of the molecular bonds have been rearranged? Nothing. You are left with something that wasn't there before to be sure, but it is static, and no longer reacting. Relationships are exactly the same. It's up to the people involved to decide that the result of the reaction is something they like or not. It has nothing to do with emotion, and everything to do with choice.

Well, that's my coupla gasps' worth, anyway. Feel free to utilize or ignore as necessary. Your mileage may vary.

Cheers!

Jim

[Hipshot]

Although it may not be true in every case, a relationship that ends generally has five phases:

Phase 1 - Discovery
Phase 2 - Infatuation
Phase 3 - Things aren't quite the same
Phase 4 - Indifference
Phase 5 - Alienation

Rick



Genius is 1 percent inspiration and 99% perspiration, which is why engineers sometimes smell really bad.

[WreckWench]

And if not a full tank at least a pony!

I thought size mattered?

It's not the size that counts, it's how you use it...

For once, I shall restrain myself from offering my definition of "love", and instead offer a couple of examples based on firsthand experience. First, the bad one:

Seperated woman, going through somewhat messy divorce proceedings, two energetic but otherwise wonderful boys. We went on a couple of dates, and quickly "fell in love". I think the deciding factor is that I was the only man her dog had ever been enthusiastic about even though I am not, strictly speaking, a dog person. The relationship went on for a number of months, during which time I spent more time at her house than at mine. (In the interest of full disclosure, she was after all a very talented chef and all of her tools of the trade were in her kitchen, not mine.) Everything was going along fine, if a little strained at times because of the pressure from the soon-to-be-ex. Then one day, the world fell apart. To make a long story less long, things went from "I love you!" to "Come get your things, I'll leave them on the back porch when I take the kids to baseball practice" in the span of a few days.

Now for the good, and incidentally current, situation:

Single woman, university linguistics professor, never married, no kids. Very affectionate and open to the point of bluntness, she is a refreshing change from any other woman I've ever been in a relationship with. She says what she means, and means what she says. No guesswork, no coy little games. Great sense of humor, and quite playful. One little hitch, though: she happens to live roughly 5,500 miles away. That's a tad far to go to take your girlfriend out for dinner. Trust me; I speak from experience. Anyway, even through the difficulty of seperation and limited opportunities to communicate (other than e-mail) we have gotten very close, and could be described as "in love". When we first met in person, the chemistry was instant and intense. As soon as I got back from my first trip to see her, we immediately started planning for my next trip. We both are focused on the same goal: marriage and kids. I still have to ask, and she still has to say yes, but if I did she would. Bear in mind that we both realize that if (or when) that time comes, we will essentially be marrying a stranger; even as good as our communication is, it is no substitute for spending time with someone in their natural habitat and observing their behavioural patterns under everyday conditions. And yet, she is willing to take that step, and so am I. Why is that?

It comes down to choice. We choose to be in this relationship. It's difficult, and there are times when both of us have asked ourselves "What the h@&$ are we doing?". But we have made a decision to share our lives inasmuch as we can under the present arrangement, and we are both happier people for it. The woman in the first example didn't get that. When things got difficult or just not as much fun anymore, she decided to move on. There's that word again: choice. Decision. Determination. Call it whatever you want, that is what determines whether a relationship lasts or not.

Okay, I tried to resist, but I simply can't. I've said it here before and I'll say it again: love is not an emotion. Love is an action; a choice. People don't "fall into" or "out of" love; they are experiencing the phenomenon of chemistry. And just like in your high school chemistry lab, what happens when the reaction is finished, and all of the molecular bonds have been rearranged? Nothing. You are left with something that wasn't there before to be sure, but it is static, and no longer reacting. Relationships are exactly the same. It's up to the people involved to decide that the result of the reaction is something they like or not. It has nothing to do with emotion, and everything to do with choice.

Well, that's my coupla gasps' worth, anyway. Feel free to utilize or ignore as necessary. Your mileage may vary.

Cheers!

Jim

WOW Jim!!! You are soooooooooooooo right. Love is an action...it is a decision day in and day out to achieve a desired result. You are extemely wise for a man of any age!

[jholley309]

You are extemely wise for a man of any age!

Shhh! Don't tell anybody...

As my mother is fond of saying, it's not so much the age as it is the mileage...

Cheers!

Jim

[Stephi]

Shhh! Don't tell anybody...

As my mother is fond of saying, it's not so much the age as it is the mileage...

Cheers!

Jim

Interesting choice of words Jim...mileage.

Mileage is a great thing...because absence makes the heart grow fonder....