39 replies to this topic

[pir8]

Good advice Dejah...but eventually you end up spending every day together and that just sucks after awhile. I guess I'm only cut out for long-distance relationships. Could it be that I can't have a "real" one for some reason? What would Dr. Phil say?

When you find the "real" one that negative disappears. The secret is to have a good life without anyone else. Then if someone does come along, you can share it with them. At least that I what I tell Dr. Phil when he asked me for advice...

Well, I guess I'm ok then cause I'm really happy by myself.

Yep I know what ya mean.

[shadragon]

I compare relationships to rose growing: I grow my own roses in life, but when I get a special helper, I get sweeter smelling blooms.

You might want a better analogy. Growing decent roses takes a lot of manure...

[weescot]

I compare relationships to rose growing: I grow my own roses in life, but when I get a special helper, I get sweeter smelling blooms.

You might want a better analogy. Growing decent roses takes a lot of manure...

I know...the extended analogy is that you need sunshine and horsemanure for both to flourish. However, when the smell of manure overpowers the scent of roses, you know a review is requied.... ;-)

[WreckWench]

Good advice Dejah...but eventually you end up spending every day together and that just sucks after awhile. I guess I'm only cut out for long-distance relationships. Could it be that I can't have a "real" one for some reason? What would Dr. Phil say?

When you find the "real" one that negative disappears. The secret is to have a good life without anyone else. Then if someone does come along, you can share it with them. At least that I what I tell Dr. Phil when he asked me for advice...

Well, I guess I'm ok then cause I'm really happy by myself.

Yep I know what ya mean.

This is the perfect starting place...when you are happy with yourself...then you can focus outward vs always inward. When we focus outward we get what we project. Also when we are happy with ourselves we don't come across as needy, desparate or some of the other negatives people seem to go thru. So being happy with yourself is the first and most important step towards finding someone else to be happy with. And if that works out well then the sum of the parts is greater than the whole!

Besides...how many people are honestly attracted to negative, unhappy people? Barring the urge to 'fix them up' how attractive are they really? OTOH...we are always drawn to happy, secure, confident people.


Now THAT is what Dr Phil would say!

[jextract]

I thought what Dr. Phil would say is, "Oprah who?".

[Dejah]

Well after reading this I will say there are some interesting answers here.. so to add to it all I will give my .02 cents.

When starting a relationship I rarely want to spend that much time with someone I go for max 3 times a week.. even if I really like them I think we both need our own space and to keep our lives in tact as they were in many cases because then when we do see one another we have a lot to talk about...

Good advice Dejah...but eventually you end up spending every day together and that just sucks after awhile. I guess I'm only cut out for long-distance relationships. Could it be that I can't have a "real" one for some reason? What would Dr. Phil say?

Thanks however I tend to disagree that eventually you end up spending everyday together continously.. I think unless your married to someone or living together where it's almost impossible to not see that person everyday it's unhealthy to be with someone that often and not have your own life outside of it all in some respects...

I mean we should never give up our friends and lives completely to be with someone else and then possibly start to get on each others nerves, sure it's all great and wonderful in the beginning as we tend to overlook all the negative things, yet after a while those things tend to surface and the cloud 9 feeling dissipates.

Yes I do enjoy having someone to spend time with a couple of times a week, but I also enjoy my freedom to go out with friends, take a short weekend trip somewhere to pamper myself and relax then I never have the feeling of things going sour or getting boring, I would also expect my mate to have time for himself the same ways.

[Stephi]

Oh...sure...I'm talking about marriage or living together. For me, that is too much time with one person and too constraining. I do fine with someone who I only see on the weekend or less than that. Sometimes, I wish that I were different, but it's only because that's what society wants of me...not because I want to be different, and I sometimes wonder if there is something wrong with me because I'm not typical. I like my life and I like myself, and my job, and my children, and my grandson, and my last-minute get-aways to those little diving trips on the weekends. Actually, I'm just loving life right now so why fix it if it ain't broke--that's what I'm afraid of. I'm having a blast...almost like being a kid again after years of stress. But back to the stages of a relationship...long distance relationships keep that newness for a long time...as long as you are apart you are bound to be stuck in stage one or two. You only get together occasionally and it's like a constant honeymoon. That's a pretty good feeling there and giving it up can be scarey. You think you can't stand being apart and want to get together permanently. Some do and make it fine as far as I know. Then again, some don't because they were living a fantasy and they won't be able to handle the reality. I do agree that you get to know certain things about people rather quickly long-distance because people tend to write about themselves on a deeper level than just two people dating face to face. So good luck to you two here who are having those long-distance things going and I really wish you the best. As for me...I'm riding the crest of an awesome wave right now and don't want that to end.

[Stephi]

You might want a better analogy. Growing decent roses takes a lot of manure...

[WreckWench]

I do agree that you get to know certain things about people rather quickly long-distance because people tend to write about themselves on a deeper level than just two people dating face to face. So good luck to you two here who are having those long-distance things going and I really wish you the best. As for me...I'm riding the crest of an awesome wave right now and don't want that to end.

You are right about long distance relationships...they do force you to talk about things on a deeper level as it hard to just 'hang out' on the phone!

And yes I had the experience of the relationship always being a honeymoon...can't stand the time apart...love the time together and then happy when they are gone so I can do my own thing. And since I know what a long distance relationship that DOESN'T work is like...it is nice to feel what one that does work is like.

Long distance relationships are not for everyone...they are indeed quite challenging but they can also be very rewarding and I think you are less likely to take the other person for granted.

p.s. if you are happy and the other people in your life are happy...then stick with it! Why change anything? I too at one time felt pressure to get married because I felt it was expected of me. My favorite saying was and still is..."I'd rather be moderately happy and single then married and miserable". So be happy. If you meet the right guy...you'll know it and your feelings will change. Until them...just enjoy! We need to live in the NOW...not the future.

[jholley309]

Long distance relationships are not for everyone...they are indeed quite challenging but they can also be very rewarding and I think you are less likely to take the other person for granted.

True dat!

It's a little like jumping out of a perfectly good airplane with nothing but a thin sheet to slow you down: anticipation, fear, regret, exhilaration, and relief, all in the span of about 4 seconds. Then you go back up and do it again.

p.s. if you are happy and the other people in your life are happy...then stick with it! Why change anything? I too at one time felt pressure to get married because I felt it was expected of me. My favorite saying was and still is..."I'd rather be moderately happy and single then married and miserable". So be happy. If you meet the right guy...you'll know it and your feelings will change. Until them...just enjoy! We need to live in the NOW...not the future.

Absolutely! There's an old saying in electronics: "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." Of course, there's a somewhat newer one that seems to be more and more common these days: "If it ain't broke, fix it 'till it is."



Cheers!

Jim