108 replies to this topic

[VADiver]

I was wondering if anyone has advice on what helps when you heart get torn in two by the person you love? I know this request sounds odd, but any help would be appreciated; but don’t mention alcohol, I can’t get any in Iraq. Thanks.

[hnladue]

Dart board.... with their picture on it!

[Dennis]

Although it was many years ago, I can only offer this advise.

Pray. Then cry, then live, then pray some more. It probably will not help in the short run. It didn't for me. However, in the long run, what happened was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. I surely didn't think so at the time.

And yes, there will always be a place in your heart for that person. And yes, you will always feel the hurt when you remember. But, I grew up a lot because of that experience. I also finally realized that every time you give your love, you take a chance. I've found that it is always, always, a chance worth taking.

Good luck and keep your head down over there. We need every one of you guys and gals back here.

[Walter]

Basically, in such a situation you are grieving a loss, but your mind can't accept it because the person isn't dead. That gives you a bit (ok, so it's a ton & not a bit) of additional pain with which you also have to deal.

First, and this is difficult, but it's essential to ending the pain. Accept the loss. Convince yourself that even if she begged you to take her back you wouldn't. This is your first hurdle. The sooner you can reach this point, the better off you'll be.

Next, when you have down time, (I'm not suggesting not paying attention in crucial situations - we want you to come home safely and uninjured) dwell on your loss. Think about it as a loss, not what went wrong. You can only grieve so much before your mind gets to the point it will move on. You can drag it out by constantly trying to get your mind on other things.

Good luck and remember, this too shall pass.

[RICHinNC]

Remember the good times...and also remember....the sea is full of fish.

[TatonkaDive]

Pretty much I think that TIME is the healer. No matter how comfortable you are with yourself as a person, when the relationship with the person you love is broken, it hurts and it sucks! Realize that you are going to go through the pain. Embrace it even. The heart is resilient.

You may think often of the one you love...and depending upon how you parted and how often you stay in touch, that love may dissipate rapidly or slowly. Realize also that until you move on and realize that your former love is not "the one" or at least not this time, you won't be able to fully move on to another. Unfortunately there's not a pill or a true, rapid cure-all...but looking back on things I'm not sure I would want one. Learn from the past, keep focusing on your future.

I'm not sure that any of this helps. You definitely aren't alone in feeling this way. It happens to the best of us! Best of luck to you!

[Marvel]

Everything Dennis, Walter & TatonkaDive have said is valid & true, Vinnie. One other thing to consider- try not to get into another relationship until that grieving & healing process is complete. That can take more time than we realize. I recently took a class that suggested that the average time we should take for healing is about a year for every four that we were in the previous relationship. Sounds like a long time but if we go directly from one relationship to another, with little or no time to complete the grief & healing process in between, we wind up dealing with TWO relationships- the old & the new.

As Dennis suggested, I pray. I work on my relationship with God & myself. Once I have those two relationships right, all the rest will follow. That is what I'm trying to do &, although it is a slow, painful process, I know that in the end I will come through this happier, healthier, & with more to offer to my God & all of the people in my life. I still have days & nights of despair but I am slowly moving past it. I pray the same for you.

[cmt489]

As everyone has said, time does heal. What I recommend, and what I have done, is to try to keep yourself distracted and busy. There is nothing worse than having too much time by yourself to dwell on the agony of it all. Being able to be with friends is key. As well, if you have a good hobby that you can participate in while over there, do it.

Good luck to you. It will get better, I promise. There is no way to make the pain go away, but there are ways to distract yourself from it.

Michelle

[jjrichardson]

The best way to get over one is to get under another.
Trust me, this works.

[cmt489]

Yes, but beware of the rebound relationship.....

[Raven]

Losing someone you love is very difficult. Add to that this person was your best friend, partner, dive buddy, lover, and it is more than losing an SO. It is losing part of your life. I can't really offer any good advice because I am sucking big time in the process. I've tried crying, talking it out, praying, I wish I could have a pillow fight with him, maybe that would help.

Sometimes I can get through a short period of time alright and sometimes every minute is sucked up by the whole crap. Usually its at 2 or 4 AM.

Unfortunate, I have withdrawal syndrome and I go behind "the wall." It is my defense mechanism.

I need to go diving; but, I lost my dive buddy.

This whole thing just sucks.

When does it feel better... all the time? OK I'll settle for most of the time?

R

[maxdvr]

with out knowing all the details.... hard to say... but from my experiecne... the one u you cant do is allow yourself not to trust again.... 8yrs after gettin my heart ripped apart... im still single ... and just learnin how to trust again....
i feel ur pain.... dont fall in the same trap i did... good luck

max

[drdiver]

I feel your pain, buddy. I hope it was just your heart and not your wallet. With me, it was both. The heart ripped in half, 30K gone and my credit ruined. You've gotten some good advice from Walter, Dennis, and Tatonka as has been said. I'd say, focus on a task give your all to it, immerse yourself, give yourself some time. Time does heal all wounds and ask the Spirit for some advice, whatever you believe. I did, in my darkest, most bankrupt hour, and She said, "you will more and better than you ever were." And you know what--She was right. You'll be in my prayers tonight, friend. Things will get better.

Blue water, good vis, and many fish, friend.

[Diverbrian]

Dude,

I feel for you! I can't add anything to the advice that I already see, so I will say follow it and know that many others have been in the same situation.

[WreckWench]

When this happened 2 years ago with my then fiance...I not only mourned the loss of 'him' but I also found out I was mourning the loss of all I percieved the relationship to be....all I percieved it would be...and all it never could be. In other words...I was mourning all the 'lost opportunity' that I associated with the relationship MORE then I was really mourning the loss of the person. Make sure you aren't doing that.

Once I figured out what I was doing I then looked realistically at the relationship and searched for why things went south. Once I identified those issues...some his but just as many of them mine...I looked to see what I could have done differently. When I realized that I could not make him act a certain way...or behave a certain way...or think a certain way, I realized that marriage to him would have been very difficult for both of us. Partially because of his thought processes and partially because of mine. I then decided that I couldn't do anything about his issues...but I could certainly do something about mine.

At that point I did some serious reflection and looked for things that I needed and wanted to change in myself. You know...the things I wasn't very proud of that I did or failed to do. And yes...some of them were even things he complained about...go figure huh?

After reflecting on these things I set up a plan to change those behaviors in myself so that I would not fall short in the next relationship over the things that I could control and that was my actions, thoughts and reactions. Once I did that, I realized that I had grown past my ex and I was indeed on a path to being a better 'me'. I'm sure I'll still fall short in many ways in my next relationship...but it won't be the same ways I fell short in the last one.

As for my ex....I hope he did some similar self reflection...but if he did not...he'll just end up with the same problems in the next relationship until he realizes that its not always the other person!

In the process of making myself more loveable...I found that my pain over losing my ex had finally subsided. I just wish that I had realized that doing something so positive for myself would yield such great rewards AND help me get over the pain so much quicker then holding onto it like I had for over a year. In the meantime...I am now THANKFUL that I didn't marry him. One we would have been miserable as I truly believe now that we were NOT right for each other...and two...I never would have run a singles trip in Jan 2004 for @!&%s and giggles and well you know...the rest is history!