108 replies to this topic

[drdiver]

An heartful expression. No, you can never change the other one. We reach, but sometimes never attain. Fundementally, you can never change anyone. And there in lies the crux. Perhaps there is no perfect person. Are we then required to have a life of drifting from one person to the other. I won't call it searching, because we happen on someone we care for, expecting more or less, and find some happiness. But I do believe in the possibility of change. Because it is better to change than be alone. So I go back to the old and powerful truism of communication. Speak your heart, people. Tell the other what you feel and what you are thinking. Because in the telling can come a true oneness and change can happen and make people one. But it can't happen unless we all speak from our heart and say--I am who I am, but there is more to me than just this--I am more when I am with someone with whom I can blend and become one.

But in the meantime, life goes on and there is bluewater and fish and when I see fish, I smile. And smiling is good. Get wet and be happy!!!

My God I have so much more packing to do. I'll never get out of this house. And the movers are coming soon!!!!!!!

Pack seldom and dive often,

Dennis

[Blublood]

Everyone answered you in very heart felt ways. Many different ways of looking at love lost. My only addition to what they have to say is this brother...... Remember, you are who you are. Your percieved loss is just another fork in the road of you life. God gave you this life to lead...regardless of where it leads...or where it does not. Savor ever day for the love those that care give you and the love you can give those. Only one one person in life can give you happiness...and that is yourself. If, in Gods wisdom, you are granted the power to bring happiness and love in anothers life.....So be it. If not love and cherish those you find, befriend and admire. In this you WILL find love...Not the love you crave or wish for but the love that is you.

[drbill]

As I said to a forelorn former dive buddy of a member here, remember there are plenty of other fish in the sea. Unfortunately most of them are of the wrong species!

Seriously, I have found in the relationships where I have been the one whose heart was broken that there were signs far before the relationship reached critical mass. I should have been more attentive to them. When I think of these endings, I also have to keep in mind the relationships where I was the one who terminated it. It gives some perspective.

It usually takes me a year or two to regain footing after a serious relationship falls apart. The problem is that as my chronological age advances, there is less time left for recovery so I'm bouncing back faster than in my youth. The great thing is that almost every one of my past relationships has remained a friendship after the passion died. This is a good thing- the positive parts of the relationship survive (well, except the passion).

Dr. Bill

[VADiver]

I truly appreciate all of your advice and heartfelt words. They do help out, though as was mentioned only time will heal the pain. I figure I have a good 5 months over here to reflect on everything and to try and cope. The bad thing is that there are really no distractions or things to do to keep my mind occupied; but I guess I have a mission to complete and I’ll concentrate on that. But, during the occasional quiet times it’s hard not to reflect on the past. I’ll move on, it’s just much harder this time. Thanks again, and I look forward to diving with everyone in the summer.

[Diverbrian]

I truly appreciate all of your advice and heartfelt words. They do help out, though as was mentioned only time will heal the pain. I figure I have a good 5 months over here to reflect on everything and to try and cope. The bad thing is that there are really no distractions or things to do to keep my mind occupied; but I guess I have a mission to complete and I’ll concentrate on that. But, during the occasional quiet times it’s hard not to reflect on the past. I’ll move on, it’s just much harder this time. Thanks again, and I look forward to diving with everyone in the summer.

They don't have too many distractions on a submarine either. That was probably a good thing as the only reason that I wasn't on the long list of sailors who received "Dear John" communications is that I really didn't have a relationship during my five years in the Navy.

In your position, all that I can say is keep your head straight so that you come back home and heal some more. I am assuming that you don't have to run into this person day in and day out. You don't know how much that helps.

On a positive note, my worst relationship turned out to be a blessing. The fallout led me to diving and dealing with some of my other problems (this is ongoing). Come back and maybe I'll get a chance to meet you and tell you the story over some drinks after a few wreck dives.

[Walter]

The bad thing is that there are really no distractions or things to do to keep my mind occupied

It's a blessing in disguise. It will be harder in the short term, but will also help you put it behind you more quickly.

[Raven]

You know what seems to work... having some good friends but you have to allow them to let you lean on them.

I have a problem of not taking advantage of them being there for me, withdrawing. They offer to be there to listen, to talk to, to cheer me, get my mind in a good place and I don't allow that.

Friends are good, let them help you through this time; and I will try to take my own advice.

R

[VADiver]

Here I am being self-absorbed in my own world without realizing many other people have went or are going through the same thing. Thanks for everything and I truly mean that. As for me, as always, I’ll press on with the mission at hand and deal with everything when I get back home.

Raven, I hope everything works out for you. Lean on your friends for support, your luck to have them.

[WreckWench]

Vinny AND Raven....you BOTH have friends here on SD as well as many other places. And don't be surprised if the truest friends...the ones that keep checking in on you EVEN when you retreat or fail to respond...may be the one you least expect to step up to the plate. In my case...all my friends gave up on me when I retreated into my own blackness after the breakup of my ex because I never joined them when they invited me out...didn't talk much when they called etc. But two people kept calling anyway...and inviting anyway...sorta like I'd never said no. Let me tell you...even though I did not have the energy to go out and do anything or even to talk...I smiled inside knowing that someone cared. And over time...that inside smile moved to the outside and then to my voice and finally to my activities. And to this day they are still VERY true and dear friends....Narwhal is one of those rare individuals who was there for me for over a year just checking in on me to let me know he cared. So Walter is right...you have things to keep you occupied and a job to do and a chance to do that reflection I talked about. If you can say to yourself that you did everything right in the relationship and you were the best Vinny you could be...then rest easy knowing SHE screwed up. And if you need to work a little on being more lovelable...then use the time now to get that done so that when you return to the States SAFE AND SOUND...you'll be ready to enter a new relationship with the woman that God has in store for you! -ww

[TraceMalin]

You know, one day when I was at West Point after my girlfriend and I broke up, I took a look around. She had been a part of my life for three years and when I lost her, I lost my best friend, my girlfriend and a great lifeguard co-worker. But, on that day I realized that I had no stress. The Hudson River was meandering like a mirror reflecting the Fall foliage and the clear blue sky. I noticed the beauty of the architecture of the homes along the cliff sides and felt the ghosts in the stone walls of the academy. I began to imagine where the great chain might be lying on the river bottom and made a mental note to return some day and scuba dive to look for it. I breathed in the clean Autumn air and I felt like a weight had been lifted from me. My lacrosse coach remarked that he hadn't seen me smile in the 2 years he'd been coaching our team until that day. I felt so alive and I realized that the future provided the opportunity for so much adventure.

Today, I have no girlfriend, no one loves me and I will be alone for the holidays. But, I'm happy and smiling. I'm going hiking on a snow capped mountain overlooking the Delaware River and then I'm going to swim team practice. My mind will be free to enjoy the sensation of my hands cutting "S's" through the water and rolling into the walls to flip and kick out to glide in peace to resume my stroke work.

If you're alive and healthy, you have it all. The future holds promise. Looking back, I'm glad that the relationships that ended did so. I know I wouldn't be happy with any of my ex-girlfriends if together today. But, someday I may meet the right woman and share the riches of love and romance. If I don't, I'll enjoy the wealth of peace of mind and the amazing world in which we live. Live for today.

And, wear shades... when you're cool the sun is always shining.

Trace

[Neptuner]

Vinny... all I can say is wow, this crowd is amazing. So much compassion can be heard in everyone's words, I don't think anyone could say that they aren't truly loved. So many people... strangers from all accounts, with nothing more than a common thread of pain that binds us so closely. How strange it is that the solitude of heartache and loneliness often spawns such unity and support... yet here we all stand, eager to embrace each other with open arms and overflowing hearts.

So much wisdom has already been shared, I doubt that I could add a thing, but often the same words spoken a different way will strike just the right chord within us. God truly does work in mysterious ways and who knows what magic he may spin within this simple thread.

Like so many others, I too have endured the heart's wreckage and worse. The storm that ensued was long and dreary, but as someone already stated... nothing that anyone else can say or do to us will ever change who WE are... only we can do that. Trials will come and go along our journey through the life, that much is certain, but deep within us lies the strength to overcome each and every one of these obstacles... we simply need to accept this as fact and proceed accordingly.

Many have spoken of looking inside and understanding ourselves and our faults, accepting them as they are and possibly even resolving them if we can. This is all good advice and a necessary milestone to loving and accepting ourselves once again. Along this way, perhaps you will discover, as I did, one of the other truths about life. None of us has the ability to MAKE someone else happy... plain and simple... it's ALWAYS an inside job. I used to think that it was my "job" to do everything in my power to make my wife happy, but I finally realized that my only job is to be happy myself and try to support her in any way I can. She was the only one who could ever decide to be happy and nothing I could do would ever change that. I know it sounds so simple and yet it is so incredibly easy to overlook.

Focus on all the blessings you have in your life Vinny... I'm sure if you start counting them, you will find many more than you expected. Above all, be true to yourself and your heart. Don't start a frantic search for the love that you lost, just be yourself and love will find you again someday. As Kamala mentioned, it is often not the actual person that we are missing but rather the dream that we were building and their place in that dream. Well guess what? You're still building that dream bro'... and somewhere out there is someone who wants to help you build it.

Keep yourself safe and focused on the task at hand. There isn't a soul among us who isn't proud of you and all that you stand for. You're standin' on the wall bro' and that makes a difference in countless lives. Hang in there man, every day you are a BETTER you!

Edited by Neptuner, 20 December 2004 - 08:43 PM.

[Prairie Diver]

Vinny:
You are not alone. It does get better. Probably what you don't want to hear now but be prepared for the long haul. There is no quick fix or magic pill. I have been looking for that for sometime now and so have many others. There is only one way to get to the stage of being healed and that is experience it: the pain, the sadness, the loneliness, the fear, the anger and everything else that goes along with the ending of a relationship. My advice is absorb yourself in a quest of finding out who you are. Pray, read, ask questions and find a select few people who you can trust that will listen and give good advice. The rain will stop, the fog will lift and the clouds will go away and then there will be sunshine. One book in particular that was helpful for me Rebuilding, "when your relationship ends" written by Dr. Bruce Fisher and Dr. Robert Alberti. Let any of us know if we can be of help. Jay

[BradfordNC]

Basically, in such a situation you are grieving a loss, but your mind can't accept it because the person isn't dead.

hmmmmm yes, indeed, but that can be arranged. lol



Vinny, like others have said, there are lots of in the sea.

keep your mind focused on what your doin over there, it's not the time to make any slips.

of course i know the policy about it for where you are, but if ya need it, just let me know, and i'll send out a special shipment of "listerine" for ya.

[Raven]

I think most off all that was posted in this thread is the fact that we have friends here that are supportive of us.

Even if they aren't sitting beside us, they're there.

Thanks too all of you for being there/here.



R

Edited by Raven, 24 December 2004 - 09:49 AM.

[Diverbrian]

Raven,

Friends are all over. I have met more since I started diving than I ever thought that I would and I may never meet some of them in person. There are three that I can think of that have been the best friends that I could ask for (all female, what is up with that? LOL) . Then I have several over really good friends. Any of them is welcome to lean on me at any time. I know that I have asked that of them more often than I deserve. If anyone here wants an ear to listen for a while, I am a PM away.

Merry Christmas,

Brian

Vinny,

I meant what I said. Your dive buddy is correct that this is the time for you to think and do what you have to come home. I don't know know you, but I would like to send you and your unit my personal wishes for a Christmas season where you can all look forward to being "Home for Christmas" next year. Keep your powder dry.

Brian