108 replies to this topic

[WreckWench]

Basically, in such a situation you are grieving a loss, but your mind can't accept it because the person isn't dead. 

hmmmmm yes, indeed, but that can be arranged. lol



Vinny, like others have said, there are lots of in the sea.

keep your mind focused on what your doin over there, it's not the time to make any slips.

of course i know the policy about it for where you are, but if ya need it, just let me know, and i'll send out a special shipment of "listerine" for ya.

Darling...Brad is right...keep focused so we can dive together next year real soon! And may God touch your heart today of all days so that you'll know you are 'loved' by ALL your friends at SD and many others that know you! I know you have a special place in my heart...whoops! I think I just let the cat out of the bag...yep....its definitely out! Think anyone will notice???? -ww

[hydrophilicity]

Lots of yoga and meeting new people work best for me.

[WreckWench]

Lots of yoga and meeting new people work best for me.

Great advice girlfriend...and speaking of 'great'...its great to see you again AND that is a GREAT new avatar!!!

[HandyGeek]

I realize I'm late to this discussion and I hope that by now you've gotten through a lot of the initial shock and sharp pain that ensues. When my ex dropped the bomb on me, I was completely blindsided. She'd been seeing someone else for a while. The sad part is that I was trusting of her, that I was blind to the possibility that this could happen to me. I was so loving and trusting that I would have done just about anything to please her. So, when she told me she wanted a divorce, I broke down pretty hard. It was all so surreal to me. We'd been together for eight years and I felt I had little warning that it was about to end. Long story short, I'm here now after two years. But this is about you, not me.

My best advice is to seek help in burying the relationship. I actually had a physical burial. I know it sounds silly, but it was a turning point for me. Following the advice of my counselor (you might want to seek professional help too), I collected any memorabilia regarding Aline (my ex) that made me hurt. I put it all in a box, taped it up and said a very long and sad goodbye to the relationship. Then I took it out with the garbage after kissing the box goodbye one last time. It was a very emotional moment that felt like pulling off a very stubborn bandage.

This may or may not work for you. Everyone is different. Truth be told, I had to also be on antidepressant for about a year. I remember feeling like I'd never get back to "normal". The pain was too consuming for this oldtime romantic. I believe now that she never "truly" loved me. Love, I think, should reflect respect and kindness. I rarely received either from her. It was my fault for not seeing that, though.

But after a while I began to rediscover myself. I even began to see that I was really missing a lot in life while I was with her. There were so many things I wanted to do that she wouldn't support. SCUBA was one of those things. There are so many more things I can do now without worrying what "she" will think. I feel free now and I don't know "why" I'd want to get married again. Maybe the time will come. Providing she (my future lover) will allow me to be me; I think real love will be possible again. But that's just babble from a hopeless romantic. What do I know?

My heart goes out to you and your pain. If you can endure the initial pain without taking drastic action, you'll be just fine in the long run. Do seek help, though, if you are having a difficult time and it is affecting your overall performance. Pain like that can tend to make you do stupid things.

Peace and love, brother.

[Prairie Diver]

HandyGeek!
Great idea on the burial. I did something similar in that I wrote a letter. A letter saying goodbye. I never sent it but it was a defining moment in the process of moving on. It helped emotionally and took the responsibility of the things I had no control of away. Since writting the letter I have a great feeling of freedom. I would be interested to hear what others have done to put these relationships in the past?

[Raven]

I never thought of a burial. Maybe that would help.

My relationship breakup has been hard. Not only painful emotionally but hurtful. I've tried to not respond to the hurtful things my ex has done and said publicly and privately. It is really hard when the ex trashes you publicly though. It's like I find myself in a strange juvenile relationship.

Lately he wants to tell the whole world that I did all the things he did in our relationship. It hurts and is hard to take. Heck it's hard to leave alone and not respond. I am trying to not go to war. And, I keep telling myself that I know the truth and that's all that matters. Only now that I haven't agreed to reconcile with him back into the old relationship and old ways as well as some new problems he's lashing out; and he's using my son to hurt me.

Friends are telling me don't let him get to me. "Don't let him suck you into that." It is hard to be strong when you fall for him. He comes over every night and uses every excuse to get inside and won't leave. Calls you all the time. If he gets too close I stop saying "Please just leave me alone." and get all screwed up inside. But with the realization that I must protect me and my son from his actions, he's slashed out at me. Why can't it be a more peaceful parting? If I say I can't live with these things in my life and he says F off... why can't he just stop coming back to break my heart?

I am hoping that those who know me and those who are getting to know me don't allow his public desecrations of me to get to them. All I can do is be me.

Thank goodness for friends. I am starting to think that friends are the best medicine for recovering from a breakup.

To all who've loved and lost, may your heart be whole again. To all those who've helped a broken hearted friend to mend... Thank you.

Edited by Raven, 27 December 2004 - 09:02 AM.

[KBScarlett]

I have been sitting back reading everyone's input the past few weeks, as I too have recently gone through an ending. I hesitated to join the discussion for several reasons, as I hope not to say or spread bad thoughts about this person in public (he too is a diver who runs in some of the same circles I do).

It was a very short "relationship" (though I may be taking liberties even using that word), but I felt we had passed the "Discussions" and come to a place where we'd agreed on certain points (evidently not, given that I'm here writing this....) As such, I've had a hard time dealing with the "ending". Each and every one of your input has been very very helpful to me to gain some perspective, and I'm glad VADiver came forward with his request....I think it has helped more of us than he realized, and given more than one of us some insight and help with healing.

I've tried to turn this "break up" around and rather than seeing it as a negative, rather use it as an opportunity to truly examine myself and my motives, specifically what is it that's making me hurt, and how I assert myself in relationships. Like WrechWench stated, sometimes the loss of the person and the loss of the perceived connection are two different things. And like Handygeek, I am starting to see that I have some personal, internal struggles to deal with, and some learning to do about myself.

I now find myself in a place where I hesitate to trust someone's word again--which is the most frustrating. I felt I had been assertive in being sure to discuss things and make sure where we stood was up front and in the open, and not to let things happen "too fast." Yet, it seemed like the second I let my guard down, all those previous "discussions" were apparently forgotten and he went running.

So, where is that line between keeping things slow and getting to know one another, vs. not being willing to trust and let someone in and get hurt again? You have to do it eventually.....but what is "eventually" ?

[Raven]

Ok People.... I am having a horribly weak day!


Nope, I am not strong today. Don't care if you don't know me... please help. I need the encouragement to be strong!



This sucks. R

[Walter]

Darlin',

It might help to reread the entire thread. You'll get through it.

[VADiver]

of course i know the policy about it for where you are, but if ya need it, just let me know, and i'll send out a special shipment of "listerine" for ya.

Thanks brother, I appreciate the offer. I figure the next several months won't be too bad. I'm trying to meet up with some mutual friends out here. Should be interesting to say the least.

I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas and has a Happy New Year!!

[VADiver]

Raven,
I hope this post finds you doing better now. I agree with Walter to reread the entire thread again. All of the advice and personal points of view are indeed helpful and lets us all know we are not alone. Coming to terms with everything is difficulty, but remember your friends. They are there for you to lean on and a lot closer than mine are. But then again, when I sit down and read these posts I realize there many people out there who would go out of their way for me; as I would also for them. That’s what friendship is about. Some of these friends I have met on dive trips, and others only through the board but we all share the common bond of being hurt, and inadvertently hurting someone else. There are many things that can be said, but they have all been mentioned already—and more eloquently than I could have done. When it’s all said and done, the past is behind us, we can only change the future. Be strong and I hope tomorrow is better, as are all the days to follow.

[WreckWench]

Vinny you ROCK my friend!!!

When it’s all said and done, the past is behind us, we can only change the future.

We can not change what happens to us...we can however change how we react or respond to it. If you know that leaving someone is good for you...THEN DO IT! And embrace the knowledge you are doing the right thing. If someone left you and you do not believe it is the right thing...then accept that for some reason it was not meant to be and things will be revealed in time so that truly as one doors closes another one opens.

I know that this is not quite the same but losses are still losses. I used to belong to another online diving community that for some reason asked me to leave after doing my trip to Cozy this past January. I was confused...then sad...then angry...and finally I resigned myself to the fact that I was no longer part of a group of people that I considered to be my friends and family in many respects. And my departure did not seem fair...in fact if it had been a guy...it would have seemed like an entire torrid relationship!

But as that door closed...another soon opened that I could have never imagined nor would I have ever walked through it had I still been a member of the other community. And in many ways I am now truly thankful that this other series of events transpired despite at the time thinking it was horrendous that it had happened to me. Because had it not happened...we would not be able to have this conversation today...at least not on this diving site.

I do not know the reasons that your relationships have ended...and I don't wish such penalty on anyone...however usually you'll find it is a blessing or at least a good turn of events. Perhaps it is merely practice for the 'real thing'. Keep your minds and hearts open and we will hold you in our thoughts...our prayers...and soon in our dives! -ww

You may also find solace in this thread as well....

Click here for Relationship Perspective Thread

[hnladue]

Raven,

That thread WW posted is good!! Stand up on your 2 feet girl and say "I am WORTHY, I am IMPORTANT, I am STRONG.... and he's stinky!!!"

We love ya girl!!!

Heather.

[Raven]

Thanks to all of you. I feel really pathetic. It's hard to read when your eyes are all fogged up.

Sorry for being, well... like this.

R

[Raven]

Thanks to everyone who offered support yesterday and today.

Today is a much stronger day. R