330 replies to this topic

[Trimix2dive]

This thread could be a whole season of both Oprah, and Dr. Phil.

I'm gonna invite my current squeeze over tonight and have her fix me up some vittles, like a woman folk should. Good woman folk know their way around a kitchen. Or they find themselves out with Tuesday trash.

She's just walked in the room and told me playtime is over, and I have to turn the computer off.

Later.

[ScubaPunk]

For the most part, guys do the part asking girls out and for the most part, are rejected.

Is this a complaint?

Sorry to take this off topic a bit, but I'm confused. I don't pretend to understand men. I think they are every bit as complicated as women are. I am getting mixed signals, and need this to be cleared up once and for all. Is it ok to approach a guy first, or ask him out?? I have heard that men want to do the asking, something about the thrill of the chase? On the other hand, I find it very difficult to stand by and wait for a guy to approach me, if I am interested in him. So, in my own way, I will let a guy know, in no uncertain terms, that it is safe to approach me, thereby eliminating the fear of rejection. This is probably an issue that is very clear to everyone in the world but me. I have been accused of being naive once or twice.

Back on topic. I am just as guilty as the men as far as disapearing without explanation, but would they really want to know? I only do this if I have just dated them a couple of times. However, I would not do this if it was a long term relationship, then it would require "the talk".

[drdiver]

I'm glad you came forward with this. I've had women say, that's for being polite and not answering my phone calls, telling me you didn't want to see me in a polite way.

I've had it done to me and I've done it. And for the couple of date deals, as you say, I think this is O.K. and , as you also say, for the long-term relationship, we need the talk.

I think that that is the far more common way things are handled, IMHO, and was a bit surprised how many people condemned this approach.

Well, everyone has their own way of dealing with things, I guess.

[annasea]

I'm glad you came forward with this.  I've had women say, that's for being polite and not answering my phone calls, telling me you didn't want to see me in a polite way.

I've had it done to me and I've done it.  And for the couple of date deals, as you say, I think this is O.K.  and , as you also say, for the long-term relationship, we need the talk.

I think that that is the far more common way things are handled, IMHO, and was a bit surprised how many people condemned this approach.

Well, everyone has their own way of dealing with things, I guess.

"I've had women say, that's for being polite and not answering my phone calls, telling me you didn't want to see me in a polite way."

drdiver, what does this quote mean? I'm not quite sure what you're saying here. (I've also haven't had dinner yet and not much of a lunch, so perhaps, therein lies the problem! )

[Dejah]

Well I've been watching and reading this thread on and off for the past 6 pages and I have to agree with most on the fact we should all be respectful of others feelings and just come out and say - I'm not interested or This isn't working for me...

I think we've all been in those situations at one time or another and on both sides of the coin with saying it or not saying it .. and yes I have done it and had it done to me plenty of times.. I also have at times regretted not saying anything and leaving the person in the dark on the situation, but sometimes in certain situations it's easier to walk away and say nothing than to try with a long drawn out explanation of why....

I mean in regards to the long explanations has anyone ever had to deal with trying to explain why you feel as you do and have the person come back with every excuse in the book as to why you should give them a second chance, but your feelings are clearly stating not to? What do you do when they just can't except the truth of the matter?

[annasea]

I think we've all been in those situations at one time or another and on both sides of the coin with saying it or not saying it .. and yes I have done it and had it done to me plenty of times..  I also have at times regretted not saying anything and leaving the person in the dark on the situation, but sometimes in certain situations it's easier to walk away and say nothing than to try with a long drawn out explanation of why....

I mean in regards to the long explanations has anyone ever had to deal with trying to explain why you feel as you do and have the person come back with every excuse in the book as to why you should give them a second chance, but your feelings are clearly stating not to?  What do you do when they just can't except the truth of the matter?

Well, I've been on the 'giving' end of that scenario, and as stated earlier, I wound up having to call the police. Not fun!

As for 'receiving', if someone tells me honestly that they're just not interested and want to discontinue the relationship, sure, it hurts, but I can walk away with few questions asked. I couldn't see myself asking for a second chance, it would just seem too humiliating; why would I want to be with someone who has clearly stated that they don't want to be with me?

It's the evasive/cowardly ones that the book (and I) have been referring to.

[triggerfish]

let's face it:

we ALL suck at relationships.

[WillDiveForBeer]

let's face it:

we ALL suck at relationships.

Actually, I lick at (or was it in) relationships, LOL.

[triggerfish]

let's face it:

we ALL suck at relationships.

Actually, I lick at (or was it in) relationships, LOL.

ooooh......SOMEbody's feeling feisty!

[WillDiveForBeer]

For the most part, guys do the part asking girls out and for the most part, are rejected.

Is this a complaint?

Sorry to take this off topic a bit, but I'm confused. I don't pretend to understand men. I think they are every bit as complicated as women are. I am getting mixed signals, and need this to be cleared up once and for all. Is it ok to approach a guy first, or ask him out?? I have heard that men want to do the asking, something about the thrill of the chase? On the other hand, I find it very difficult to stand by and wait for a guy to approach me, if I am interested in him. So, in my own way, I will let a guy know, in no uncertain terms, that it is safe to approach me, thereby eliminating the fear of rejection. This is probably an issue that is very clear to everyone in the world but me. I have been accused of being naive once or twice.

Back on topic. I am just as guilty as the men as far as disapearing without explanation, but would they really want to know? I only do this if I have just dated them a couple of times. However, I would not do this if it was a long term relationship, then it would require "the talk".

Not a complaint, but an observation. My ex said that in her experience that guys won't leave a woman until he has another catch, while a woman would leave without having someone else lined up. I could see this as being true and here is one explanation, going back to this comment in question.

Here is a very simplified process.

If a guy leaves a girl, he has to go through the whole process of asking women out and going through all the rejections until he finds someone who says yes. It's painful and arduous, sometimes taking a long time to get a yes. Even if a guy just wanted to go to a bar, meet a nice girl to talk to and get to know, more or less for a one-night-stand, constant rejection.

On the other hand, females have it easier. They can be flirtatious, put that vibe out there and get some guy to bite. She can try him on for size (dating) and if she doesn't like him, say no thank you and get another guy. A female can try a dozen guys out before a guy can even get 1 bite. It's all up to the female where the female says no to the guy, but a guy rarely says no to a female. Doesn't mean the guy wants to sleep with her, but he'll give her a chance and maybe after 15 minutes decide there is no mojo, but he gives her the chance; why won't the females give guys the sae chance?

All I am asking for is 15 minutes, every guy is not looking to get laid the 1st night you meet and women love sex just as much as men do, so eventually sex is in all of our minds. If it was just as easy for a guy to meet a girl as it is for a girl to meet the guy, maybe guys would end a relationship sooner, but why give up something to go to nothing. A mediocre relationship is better than none.

I really need to read this book as it sounds a bit oblique.

*The formentioned opinions are not necissarily the views of the author, just posing a hypothesis as to why men do some of the tinhgs they do*

-Mike-

[WillDiveForBeer]

let's face it:

we ALL suck at relationships.

Actually, I lick at (or was it in) relationships, LOL.

ooooh......SOMEbody's feeling feisty!

Feeling...nah...AM, hehehe.

[WreckWench]

What a thread...

a couple of random comments...

1. I once met a great guy who we had a lot in common and seemed to have all the magic and chemistry going...(we were set up as a blind date by a mutual friend). After a few dates, lots of calls, emails etc. which stretched a month or so due to my busy travel schedule...we had a wonderful date that ended magically for me. The next day I rec'd a call from him as I expected but it was not the content I had anticipated. He told me he had a wonderful time with me and last night was pretty magical for him too...but it also showed him that it was too soon for him to be involved with someone so shortly after his divorce and rather than lead me on...he thought I should know how he felt. I can't tell you how much I respected him...although a bit hurt...I was even more convinced of what a great man he was. And to this day...we are still friends.

2. I am a fairly direct person...and I guess being on SD has made me even more so since the only form of communication for most part is the written word. I find I need to be able to deal with undesirable matters quickly...firmly...consistently...and effectively lest they become huge problems or escalate into major issues. As a result...I've gotten less anxious about what people will say...or think...or feel...because experience aka practice has told me that dealing with something in a positive manner even if of an unpleasant subject is far more appreciated by people than one would imagine. So in this vein...I am often complemented on my direct and forthright style which seems novel for some reason to many men I meet. Perhaps more of us gals should be like CMT and Nextariel and Steelmagnolia etc. and surprise the guys for a change...and perhaps some of the guys on the site should be concerned about being forthright yet respectful as well like Walter, Tolly, and others!

-ramblings of an overtired wench....

[WreckWench]

let's face it:

we ALL suck at relationships.

Actually, I lick at (or was it in) relationships, LOL.

ooooh......SOMEbody's feeling feisty!

She's back....good to see you again TF...and of course to have you pop in with your unique off the wall perspective!!!

Missed ya...

[RichardB]

let's face it:

we ALL suck at relationships.

Actually, I lick at (or was it in) relationships, LOL.

ooooh......SOMEbody's feeling feisty!

She's back....good to see you again TF...and of course to have you pop in with your unique off the wall perspective!!!

Missed ya...

Dittos!

[Easy_Diver]

Wow to what you posted willdive... "A mediocre relationship is better than none."

I could disagree no more?!?! I hope the next person I date doesn't think that!??!