330 replies to this topic

[matts1w]

Interesting reading....

I will just throw in my two cents...

I would bet almost all of us who have been single into our thirties and beyond have ALL pulled at least some B.S. in relationships. I know I have. Why then should I be so shocked and offended when someone pulls some B.S. with me?

Fact is I have received EXACTLY what I have given to others over the years.

Karma can be a bitch sometimes.

I don't know why it took me over a quarter century to figure that out. Sadly, some people never do.

[steelemagnolia6]

Good point Matt. I will be one of the first to admit that I have not always been as fair as I should have been and it came back and bit me in the butt later on, but I too have learned and now treat people better and expect to be treated in kind....


Dang that growing up thing is harsh isn't it sometimes.... not that I ever plan to totally give in to being grown up....

[annasea]

Well, according to the woman author, a possible reason for not cutting one's losses and moving on right away is:

"We go out with someone, we get excited about them, and then they do something that mildly disappoints us. Then they keep doing a lot more things that disappoint us. Then we go into hyper-excuse mode for weeks or possibly months, because the last thing we want to think is that this great man that we are so excited abaout is in the process of turning into a creep. We try to come up with some explanation for why they're behaving that way, any explanation, no matter how ridiculous, than the one explanation that's the truth: He's just not that into me."

I am familiar with this book. I visited a friend a couple months ago and she and her husband said they saw this author/book discussed on Oprah. This was after my relationship ended but they said they couldn't help thinking about my situation! Oh, how sweet!

It was hard for me to tell at first that things were over because he wouldn't be straight with me. He kept on saying that he was extremely busy with work. I respected his busy schedule and empathized with him. I didn't want to be too demanding of his time or a "pain" so I left it to him to call me when he had the opportunity. We were living a few states away and saw each other when he was in town for business so it wasn't what hnladue eluded to, he wasn't staying in it for the sex! Over a four month period it went from daily phone/e-mail contacts to one e-mail in two weeks and "completely forgetting" Valentines Day.

I finally realized that I didn't want a relationship with someone who wasn't willing to make me a priority in their life. I had/have an extremely busy schedule too but how hard is it to find 5 minutes in a day to make a quick phone call or send an email? In the end, I wrote him a 3-page "Dear John" letter telling him what I was looking for in a relationship and explained my desires to have open, honest communication. I never got a response to the letter (and really wasn't surprised at that point). It would have been nice to have some closure. It was very shocking that he acted in such a cowardly fashion. I would have really appreciated honesty.

I think I have learned a great deal from this experience and I am actually very grateful. I am no longer sacrificing what I truly want in a relationship just to make things work and I'm sure I'll find that special person.

Exactly! This is what the book is all about; it's not about trashing men.

What the primary author (who is a man, remember) is advising, is that women set standards for themselves and stick to them. If a guy is not treating you with the respect and consideration that you deserve, dump him. Don't waste your time with someone who isn't making you a priority in his life. "Don't waste the pretty", Greg (the author) writes, over and over again.

This advice can go either way, of course, but the reason the book was written for women is that according to the authors, women sit around and analyze their relationships to death with each other. We comfort, console and give possible reasons as to why the guy in particular is behaving in a way that is less than desirable (ie. not calling). Do men do this? Maybe, but perhaps not to the same extent that women do. Anyway, back to Greg . . . his point is stop making excuses for the guy! He's behaving this way because he's just not that into you! So drop him and find the one who is!

There are plenty of great guys out there, according to Greg (and the men on this forum ), so there's no need to put up with less than you deserve.

Again, this advice applies to both sexes.

[dustbowl diver]

With the wave of internet dating sites that are out there-don't say you haven't tried it because the statistics indicate otherwise-how then do you fade away from the expierences you meet there??

I met someone-thought we had a lot in common, we did, went out a few times and then it was 'real difficult' to get in touch with her. The supernova explodes, and I kindly wished here a happy birthday and haven't spoken to her since-was I in the wrong??

DBD

[drdiver]

I met someone-thought we had a lot in common, we did, went out a few times and then it was 'real difficult' to get in touch with her. The supernova explodes, and I kindly wished here a happy birthday and haven't spoken to her since-was I in the wrong??

You must remember the 1st line from the Man-Woman Operating Manual. "The man is always wrong."

[cmt489]

With the wave of internet dating sites that are out there-don't say you haven't tried it because the statistics indicate otherwise-how then do you fade away from the expierences you meet there??

I met someone-thought we had a lot in common, we did, went out a few times and then it was 'real difficult' to get in touch with her. The supernova explodes, and I kindly wished here a happy birthday and haven't spoken to her since-was I in the wrong??

DBD

From my experience, if she is making herself difficult to get a hold of you have absolutely done the right thing. After all, it goes both ways - she can always contact you if she wants to!

[annasea]

With the wave of internet dating sites that are out there-don't say you haven't tried it because the statistics indicate otherwise-how then do you fade away from the expierences you meet there??

I met someone-thought we had a lot in common, we did, went out a few times and then it was 'real difficult' to get in touch with her. The supernova explodes, and I kindly wished here a happy birthday and haven't spoken to her since-was I in the wrong??

DBD

I too think you handled that very well - not in the wrong at all. If you persisted in calling her after you heard nothing back from her after wishing her a happy birthday - that probably would have been a mistake.

On the subject of online dating, I'm curious to know how many are actively using the internet as a means of meeting potential partners?

Has this method replaced the more traditional ones for most people today?

Also, how many people have met someone online that they believe will be long-term partners?

[Walter]

Meeting folks online goes well beyond dating and romance. I've met most of my closest friends online. I know of 2 marriages where the couples met through a diving (not dating) web site.

[cmt489]

I must confess that due to online contact my status on this board has changed from "single" to "spoken for but buddyless"... I decided to try to meet some new local people online. Given the ugliness of my marriage, I was certainly not looking for a "relationship" but merely a chance to meet new people. I was getting tired of the same old same old at the bars and organized party scenes so thus my decision to go online (plus I had some friends who had tried it and were having a great time with it). Well anyhow, sometimes you get hit over the head with things when you are least expecting them and - WHAM - I ended up meeting the most amazing guy. We were both in the same boat of working too many hours and having a hard time meeting people outside of our respective industries. Anyhow, we hit it off in a big way and he will be taking his OW course in the near future!

[Marvel]

I must confess that due to online contact my status on this board has changed from "single" to "spoken for but buddyless"... I decided to try to meet some new local people online. Given the ugliness of my marriage, I was certainly not looking for a "relationship" but merely a chance to meet new people. I was getting tired of the same old same old at the bars and organized party scenes so thus my decision to go online (plus I had some friends who had tried it and were having a great time with it). Well anyhow, sometimes you get hit over the head with things when you are least expecting them and - WHAM - I ended up meeting the most amazing guy. We were both in the same boat of working too many hours and having a hard time meeting people outside of our respective industries. Anyhow, we hit it off in a big way and he will be taking his OW course in the near future!

That's terrific, Michelle!

[dustbowl diver]

I must confess that due to online contact my status on this board has changed from "single" to "spoken for but buddyless"... I decided to try to meet some new local people online. Given the ugliness of my marriage, I was certainly not looking for a "relationship" but merely a chance to meet new people. I was getting tired of the same old same old at the bars and organized party scenes so thus my decision to go online (plus I had some friends who had tried it and were having a great time with it). Well anyhow, sometimes you get hit over the head with things when you are least expecting them and - WHAM - I ended up meeting the most amazing guy. We were both in the same boat of working too many hours and having a hard time meeting people outside of our respective industries. Anyhow, we hit it off in a big way and he will be taking his OW course in the near future!

It was bound to happen sooner or later!!! Great news for you, too bad for the rest of us. I'll take my toys and go home now!!!

DBD

[Marion1336]

I'm having exactly the same experience, the daily email/call has dropped to one in two weeks.  Sometimes it takes her a week to get back to me.

I'm sorry to say it but it appears SHE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU!

[drdiver]

I'm sorry to say it but it appears SHE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU!

Yeah, I think I figured that out already, thanks for the analysis.

[Marion1336]

Marion,

I'm glad to hear you've taken positive steps. You certainly deserve better treatment.

Thanks, Walter. EVERYONE deserves better treatment!

[Marion1336]

Interesting reading....

I will just throw in my two cents...

I would bet almost all of us who have been single into our thirties and beyond have ALL pulled at least some B.S. in relationships. I know I have. Why then should I be so shocked and offended when someone pulls some B.S. with me?

Fact is I have received EXACTLY what I have given to others over the years.

Karma can be a bitch sometimes.

I don't know why it took me over a quarter century to figure that out. Sadly, some people never do.

I agree with the whole "what goes around, comes around" concept and live the golden rule. I don't think or act that way out of fear of retribution but simply because treating people with respect is the right thing to do. Unfortunately, we all encounter the idiots from time to time. Maybe they help us appreciate the good ones when they come along!