94 replies to this topic

[cmt489]

Just finished having a tiff with the boyfriend over jealously issues (his) and I have to ask the fundamental question - why do people get jealous when they have been given no reason to do so?

Reader's Digest version of events - My boyfriend and I had already agreed that we were not seeing each other this night. I got a call from a friend that I have not seen in almost a year who is from Germany and is only in town for two days asking if I want to meet up for coffee with him and his female friend that he is staying with in town. I say sure. Coffee turns into dinner and drinks (remember, there are three of us and this guy and I have NEVER dated). I get a phone call on my cell while out from my boyfriend just wondering where I am and I tell him. This starts a whole stream of jealousy that I think we have finally resolved (for the most part). When I asked him in his jealous fit if he didn't trust me, his response, "Why? Is there a reason I shouldn't?" Hmmm.

It should be noted that I have never done anything that would in anyway create trust issues. I have always been open and honest and would never cheat or even think of cheating on someone.

Anyhow, back onto topic. Why do people get jealous in relationships? I never have so it is an emotion that I simply don't understand.

Any insight??

[drdiver]

Why did he say he was jealous?

[cmt489]

He didn't but what he did ask is if I was "out with an old boyfriend" with much contempt in his voice. Then he got mad because I did not check in with him on the phone later on...

[dustbowl diver]

One question-did he cheat in a previuos relationship or was he cheated on that has lead him to this point??

DBD

[TheSassyRabbit]

Girlfriend, I'm with you.

Why bother being jealous? If the other person is dishonest or is going to do something that is a relationship ender, they're going to do it whether I want them to or not. Jealousy takes up a LOT of energy!

My thought is that jealousy is really rooted in lack of self esteem, lack of confidence, and/or controlling behaviors. Oi!

[cmt489]

One question-did he cheat in a previuos relationship or was he cheated on that has lead him to this point??

DBD

He says no...

[cmt489]

My thought is that jealousy is really rooted in lack of self esteem, lack of confidence, and/or controlling behaviors. Oi!

Gee, as if that's not scary to the future of this relationship! I sure hope not as I really do care about this guy!

[Tolly]

hmmm......Run?

seriously, since you agreed you weren't going to see each other, did you let him know your plans? Are you at the stage in the relationship where you feel you should tell him your plans (and tell you his plans)?

maybe some of his baggage just got off the plane and the various events reminded him of some previous realtionship where the jealousy was warranted?

Edited by Tolly, 02 June 2005 - 12:06 PM.

[cmt489]

hmmm......Run?

seriously, since you agreed you weren't going to see each other, did you let him know your plans? Are you at the stage in the relationship where you feel you should tell him your plans (and he his plans)?

The plans were really last minute and shifting but I didn't see a reason to tell him especially since he knew where I was as he got a hold of me on my cell phone. I know I don't expect him to check in with me everywhere he goes but then, of course, I have been accused of being a "bit of a guy" that way

[Tolly]

sorry, I editted my previouse post:

maybe some of his baggage just got off the plane and the various events reminded him of some previous realtionship where the jealousy was warranted?

[Maria]

Usually when a boyfriend is jealous with me it is because something similar happened to him in an old relationship and he ended up getting hurt. Most of them don't want to admit it though. Or it could also be because the guy has done something similar to what he is accusing me of doing. Jealousy is definitely a sign of insecurity, but how it's handled depends on what is causing it. If something happened to him in the past and you are aware of it, then try and be understanding and give him some sort of reassurance. On the other hand, if he is being jealous because he has done something bad and he doesn't want you to do the same to him, that's another story...

Why do relationships have to be so complicated?????

[ShamuLovesMe]

My thought is that jealousy is really rooted in lack of self esteem, lack of confidence, and/or controlling behaviors. Oi!

I'm with The Sassy One here.... Regardless of baggage from past relationships, jealousy generally indicates a lack of... well, ditto what The Sassy Rabbit said. If you're jealous of the one you're with, then either that person's wrong for you (i.e. s/he is not trustworthy, there are valid reasons for the jealousy, etc.) or you shouldn't be in a relationship (i.e. you're not a trusting person, you have some issues to work out, etc.). Either way, it's a big red flag.

I thought for sure this was one of Dr. Diver's pirate threads with a title like "AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHHH!!!"

[cmt489]

Why do relationships have to be so complicated?????

Tell me about it!!

[ScubaPunk]

De ja vu.......

Sometimes, (not always) jealousy can lead to violence, from those we least expect it.

[Maria]

hmmm......Run?

seriously, since you agreed you weren't going to see each other, did you let him know your plans? Are you at the stage in the relationship where you feel you should tell him your plans (and he his plans)?

The plans were really last minute and shifting but I didn't see a reason to tell him especially since he knew where I was as he got a hold of me on my cell phone. I know I don't expect him to check in with me everywhere he goes but then, of course, I have been accused of being a "bit of a guy" that way

I usually like to know if my boyfriend has made plans when we decide not to see each other. I also tend to keep him informed of what I'm up to. It's better to avoid unwanted questions.

Edited by mahoneme, 02 June 2005 - 12:37 PM.