94 replies to this topic

[Trimix2dive]

I think some people are just paranoid, and insecure.

Turn the table and use the experience as an example of how dumb he is acting.

Ask -
Where did you go when I was gone?
How do I know what goes on on those "business trips"?
I think your friend "girl name here" is a little too flirty? Did you two ever?
Who is Tiffany? (?) You talk to her in your sleep.
How many women have you been with since we've been together?
What dark dark skeletons are hiding in your closest I should be concerned with?



The list could go on forever. At the end of the beratement, begin laughing. Then ask him if he noticed how stupid you looked of the past 5 minutes.

He'll get the picture.

Or tell him you want one of those monitoring devices attached to his ankle.

Dr. Phil ain't got nothin on me.

[drdiver]

I thought for sure this was one of Dr. Diver's pirate threads with a title like "AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHHH!!!"

I thought it was too! I said to myself, "You haven't posted this. Are there new pirates in the pool? Yay, me says."

But I go along with Sassy, generally jealousy is an insecurity or control issue. However, it can also be brought on by stress. He may have some problems that he's not sharing with you and these are manifesting themselves by anger and jealousy.

[capt_cu2]

Hmmm I know what you mean. I have a hard time understanding it because I am not a jealous person. I would never expect or suspect anyone of cheating on me in a committed relationship, because I would not do it to them. Someone who jumps to such conclusions is likely insecure or has trust issues, possibly because they don’t trust themselves. I'm not saying this is at all your situation, but my experience is that some people are "broken". They were cheated on in the past and their confidence, self-esteem and ability to trust is broken. You cant fix a broken person, yet many people hope they can. The best you can do is hope they fix themselves.

I dated someone once who was very jealous. She would do weird things like plant an earring in my car so she could "find" it and put "me" on the spot. At first I thought it was funny. But then I started to recognize a pattern of this type behavior and had to end it. That was a long time ago and I think I am better now at spotting the red flags when I meet someone. Now sometimes good people are taken advantage of by someone less than sincere. But often some people fall into the victim pattern time and time again. That's something to watch out for. If I meet someone, and right away I hear about how their ex cheated on them, that's a red flag. Not necessarily her fault but could still be an ongoing issue for her. Maybe she was strong and confident and knew she deserved better and took action, maybe she didn't. Often people jump into a relationship too fast because it's new and fun and exciting and they overlook they obvious red flags. How often is it so easy to spot the warning signs that a friend is missing, yet not so easy for ourselves? We are all quilty of it at one time or another.

Ahhh it's complicated business, this relationship stuff. But most of us don’t want to live our lives alone sooo.

So I guess you have to ask yourself, what is at the root of his jealous. It mostly certainly is NOT you. It is his issue and can he solve it? Will he solve it? Can you objectively evaluate that question?

Good luck.

[Walter]

Darlin',

People who feel secure are never jealous. It's partly a maturity issue. The bottom line is he doesn't trust you.

My personal outlook is if I can trust the woman I'm with, there's no reason for me to be jealous. If I can't trust her, I don't want her. Unfortunately, often insecure people (justified or not) still want to hold on to those they've already lost, are in the process of losing or think they're losing.

Why does he feel insecure?

[hnladue]

So....... why can't you just be home doing nothing instead of going out on a night you're not together??? You just KNOW you're supposed to have no social life outside the relationship right?????


Yea, sound familar???

[cmt489]

So....... why can't you just be home doing nothing instead of going out on a night you're not together??? You just KNOW you're supposed to have no social life outside the relationship right?????


Yea, sound familar???

Silly me! What was I thinking?!?!?!?

[cmt489]

Why does he feel insecure?

I'm really not sure. I do know that during a few "weak" moments he has expressed concern that I "could have anyone I want so why am I with him" Of course, the truth of the matter is: a) I am with him because I want to be with him (which he "gets" 98% of the time or so); and b) no one, and I mean, no one, can have any person in the whole wide world. Obviously not all attractions are mutual and, besides, I'm not in the market to even be looking!

Edited by cmt489, 02 June 2005 - 12:47 PM.

[annasea]

I've never understood this whole "check in" thing.

My thought has always been that couples are still individuals first - not two halves of the same being. I've never understood the 'joined at the hip' mentality.

If one is constantly checking in on the other, then I would think that party does indeed have trust issues which leads to jealousy, among other things.

(I know this doesn't fully address your initial question, Michelle, but I thought I'd throw it in anyway.)

Edited by annasea, 02 June 2005 - 01:08 PM.

[Walter]

I do know that during a few "weak" moments he has expressed concern that I "could have anyone I want so why am I with him"

Bottom line is he doesn't feel he deserves you. He will either come to believe he does or he will drive you away. Good luck with it, Darlin', it's a tough one.

Of course, the truth of the matter is: a) I am with him because I want to be with him (which he "gets" 98% of the time or so); and b) no one, and I mean, no one, can have any person in the whole wide world.

If he can belive a) that'll solve the jealousy problem. While b) is certainly true, it may not be particularly helpful in this situation. Not being in the market is helpful.

[In2h2o]

I got a call from a friend that I have not seen in almost a year who is from Germany and is only in town for two days asking if I want to meet up for coffee with him and his female friend that he is staying with in town. I say sure. Coffee turns into dinner and drinks (remember, there are three of us and this guy and I have NEVER dated). I get a phone call on my cell while out from my boyfriend just wondering where I am and I tell him. This starts a whole stream of jealousy that I think we have finally resolved (for the most part). When I asked him in his jealous fit if he didn't trust me, his response, "Why? Is there a reason I shouldn't?" Hmmm.


Any insight??

This is a really tricky subject for most realtionships. My thought on this is to put yourself in the other persons shoes. If he were to go out with an old friend of the opposite sex and not tell you would it bother you? If it would then you should fill him in on your plans or even invite him along. That might alleviate any "issues" that he has with you going out with an old friend. I understand each person/relationship/situation is different so its a judgment call, but if you are respectful of the other persons feelings then you might be able prevent jealousy before it even becomes an issue.

But then there are people that are jealous no matter what you do...in that case time to say c'ya.

[Big Tall Hippie]

This is such an interesting forum. Here are my thouhgts.

1) Is this the first time this has happened or is this becoming a pattern behavior?

2) I can see where he could get jealous with a meeting like this. He might have been burned a few times. This does not excuse his behavior. If this is a one time incident then i would give him the benefit of the doubt but i would explain things to him that this will not be tolerated. If he gets jealous at the drop of a hat then I would start looking for a way out, like walter said it will not get better and could get worse if he is a obsessive complulsive person.

3) If he cannot trust you to do the right thing when he is not around, he should walk away. I always did sooner or later.

[fbp]

Yeah, I'll chime in here only to say, it could be from past experiences... several times to build up an awareness.

Some people attract the wrong opposites... I say this from experience. Over time you start to see a trend and then think Whoaa..

Sig Other "SO" wants to put relationship on hold, next minute they're (notice I'm trying not to be gender specific here) out having a good time with "a Male Friend" (even with a girlfriend?? doesn't matter) so feels rejected as one is home sulking/thinking about the relationship and the other is out "Partying" (even though they are not and it's innocent) the perception is that they are fine without the relationship while the other one is thinking hard about it...

Heheh... or something like that...

Then the next night they don't come home and the response is... well I don't owe you an explanation as we both agreed we're apart...
...and so it goes... feeding itself..

anyway, it's ugly and Gawd knows not healthy... but that's what I see... I don't put much credence to "...they've probably done it in the past therefore..." I never have "Cheated" , but still get concerned, so who knows where it comes from except from previous experiences...

Like I said, some people attract, and are attracted to, the wrong people... I know I am...
Therefore in the words of Woody Allen?? (I think?)
I wouldn't date anyone that wanted to go out with me...

LOL.. a heavy price but usually worth it...

Good Luck cmt... but probably best to "Ruuuuuunnnn .... " as suggested...

Don't believe it's any more one's fault than the other's...
Takes two to tango... it kinda goes along the lines of spousal abuse..
Men do it physically,
Women do it mentally...

Just an observation here.. not trying to "Troll"...
Good luck though... it's rough and later, sad.... ;-(

[capt_cu2]

so why am I with him

Oy vey!! The death knell of attraction! ARRRRGGGGGGH is right. Sometimes I am ashamed of my gender.

My advice to anyone ever thinking of saying something like this to someone you are dating, is to grab a big grease pencil. Write the letters, PMIW on your forehead. Then go look in a mirror. Then b***h slap yourself silly, until the thought of saying something so stupid is driven from your head.

[Blublood]

Guess I'll give my two PSI....Although I believe jealousy to be te biggest waste of time and emotion known to human kind......And I also believe it is an emotion spun from pride.....I have also heard it said that jealousy keeps "love" fresh.

Just thought I would throw a twist on the conversation.

[Walter]

My advice to anyone ever thinking of saying something like this to someone you are dating, is to grab a big grease pencil. Write the letters, PMIW on your forehead. Then go look in a mirror. Then b***h slap yourself silly, until the thought of saying something so stupid is driven from your head.

Excellent advice!