328 replies to this topic

[drbill]

Michelle has a good point. Talking to a stranger can be considered inappropriate in some areas, especially large cities (where eye contact alone is enough to drive fear into the hearts of some folks).

It is highly unlikeky that I would go up to a woman on the street on my rare forays into the "monster" (LA). Come to think of it, I'm not sure people actually get out of their cars there. However, if I were at a dive site with other divers I'd feel comfortable doing so, or at a party, etc. Smaller, intimate, already select groups.

I live in a small town here on Catalina. It is far more acceptable (and accepted) to initiate conversations with strangers. I would feel little discomfort in approaching a woman at the dive park, or at one of our restaurants, or even on the street. One advantage to living in small towns (to partially offset the disadvantage of small population size).

Dr. Bill

[nycamico]

Certainly part of my problem is being raised in New York- just out side the city and I did live in NYC for awhile. You DO NOT make eye contact or initiate with strangers on the street- maintain little personal space bubbles at all times... A definite difference from our southern brethren. Living in the west I am somewhat overcoming this- but unfortunately a slow process. I am comfortable chatting with anyone in a dive or group social excursion- it's those random chance encounters that vex me. In slow recovery and decompressing gradually, it's only been 15 years since I lived there!

[ColoradoPilot]

Michelle, my comments about you were not intended to be negative. I am a southern boy too so I understand your position. Perhaps you have never had someone tell you that a good place to meet women (men in your case) is in the produce section. I have (women) but it has never worked.

Although today in the garden section of the local WalMart I did smile at a lovely lady passing me. She smiled back and I instinctively glanced down at her ring finger (bare). I pondered whether I should approach her but did not and regretted it as I drove home. Sigh.

If my comments to your post were taken the wrong way, my apologies for not being clearer.

Edited by ColoradoPilot, 16 May 2004 - 11:20 AM.

[triggerfish]

pilot...your assignment for this week....
1 go back to walmart.

2 go back to the garden section (perfect setting for casual questions)

3 ask the first woman you see a question about the plants she has in her cart. do NOT look for a ring.....this is "break the ice" practice.

4 repeat a few times.

report back to us (and tell us what you're planting...i'm interested!)

kisskiss

[Walter]

TF,

Good advice!

[mischievous]

this is starting to feel like FIGHT CLUB where we, as monkeys, have an assignment to do every week! TF & Michelle...good advice! i'll have to try each of your suggestions when i get the "lonely blues".

[triggerfish]

chie, honey, i find it hard to believe that you are ever lonely!!! you're just too sparkly!!

oh...i mean that in a good way.

[mischievous]

well thank you, TF! i feel sparkly now. if only i can catch up on THREE pages of new posts before my date tonight. augh! yes, i asked him out.

[triggerfish]

and he'd better be honored to have your attention!

have fun, lil'bit...

[sacowboy]

Ok ladies, I'm going to have to put myself on the limb and say that your going to have to hit on me. I'm way too shy to "make a move" on y'all. The more blunt you are about asking me out, the better. Mainly because I can't pick up on signs. I think there is something wrong with my radar. Unless you flat out ask me or place a big ole wet one on me, consider me stupid (or maybe just special). I could carry on a good conversation and be able and willing to talk with you as long as there is some chemistry there. Or if it is for work purposes or a subject matter I'm pretty comfortable with (i.e. diving, computers, networking, general handyman stuff, etc.) I could be able to carry on a conversation.

My biggest problem is fear of rejection. That is why I will usually let the woman make the first move. Makes me wonder how many relationship possibilities I've missed out on because I'm so freaking shy.

Back to the original quesiton, I don't see a problem at all with a lady comeing up to a fella and starting a conversation or even asking him out for a date, drinks, dinner or movie. I just wish it would happen to me

chuck

[maxdvr]

My biggest problem is fear of rejection.  That is why I will usually let the woman make the first move.  Makes me wonder how many relationship possibilities I've missed out on because I'm so freaking shy.

Back to the original quesiton, I don't see a problem at all with a lady comeing up to a fella and starting a conversation or even asking him out for a date, drinks, dinner or movie.  I just wish it would happen to me 

chuck

i must say im in total agreement here...i wish more would me out....i have talked with scores of women online....they all say they would love to meet... just not sure about flyin around the country ( hence: my fear of rejection)...i would say the bars are a good place to start... but seeing as i dont drink anymore...and dont care for the smell of it... i stay away from them.... now if i were appoached in church...i would really question the motives of a woman meeting a man in bible study... not a big bible thumper..but im not there to meet women.... guess im gonna have to buckle down...save up and go on a sd trip soon.... but then again..the more i get to know ya'll the more i feel like i have a family here....and datin one of my sisters isnt really kewl either....dang...im strikin out on a singles site.... big L ...little ...oooozer ....

Edited by maxdvr, 21 May 2004 - 01:18 PM.

[webhead]

I will concur with sacowboy and maxdvr. For my job, I can travel to new cities, meet new people and give presentations and take them to lunch. Have no problem introducing myself, making friends and talking ears off. Part of the job.

But when I look at a woman I'm attracted to and know that my interests may not be appropriate for public display, I get brain freeze. I'm lucky to remember my name. And the fear of rejection and doing the wrong thing are the overwhelming thoughts in my head. Women say they are always approachable but I've gone up to strange women (in my younger years), simply said hello, my name is Tim and they would say hello, not a nice hello, and turn away. Just have to bite one or 2 bad apples before you become afraid of eating apples, as much as you'd like to bite one.

So I would suggest making the move if you feel comfortable and you are interested. Being kind to someone should get you nothing but the same in return. And for us shy guys that need a hint, don't be afraid to smile and laugh and make HIM feel comfortable too. I think he'll get the message. Unless he's me and couldn't by a clue from Sherlock himself. Had to tell a girlfriend once that I didn't want to pressure her into sex so when she was ready, she'd have to let me know. Ask her to give me a subtle hint such as walking in a room with just high heels and a ribbon around her neck and throw a pack of condoms at me. And then not to be surprised if I still wasn't sure what she wanted.

Sorry if this was innappropriate.

[fbp]

Geesh Nycamico:
You really hit on a good one...

I'm much like sacowboy, too shy to make a move. I AM VERY flattered and it tickles me pink to have a lady make the first contact IF there is a mutual chemistry. I can usually tell if someone is attracted by cracking a stupid joke and making her laugh.. the stupider the joke, the harder she laughs the more the attraction..

Typically if I smile or look across the room and they smile back, it's a courtesy smile... they're married or have an SO somewhere. There has to be an enthusiasm in the immediate conversation and it can be completely silly, but if it's there, then it doesn't matter. I'm not a hunter (in all respects) and have gotten used to indifference so I automatically assume that they're just being nice or if they bump up against me, it was a mistake.. I read signs like a blind man... so you'd have to hit me over the head, slap my face a little and yell "Hey YOU, Wa'sa Madder you... wake up..." heheh... or something like that...

If you, Nycamico, traded glances in Willy's (love William Sonoma) I would take it as anything but being nice... I'd also figure you're probably hooked up and let it go at that...

If you came up and asked me how to make a Soufflé Grande Marnier I'd know there could be a "Good" connection. and I could take it from there... but would still probably figure you were already involved...

Jokingly I see it this way with the Ladies, they're either in 1 of 3 modes:
-just started a relationship
-in the middle of a relationship
-just coming out of a relationship (grieving period for anything lasting)

So it's pretty much the bottom line, if they're interested they'll let you (me) know...

Obviously I don't get out a whole bunch.. :anna:

I would have to guess that you shouldn't have much of a problem getting back into it, especially with all your activities...

[ColoradoPilot]

None of these women are like family to me. wink wink

[jextract]

I can relate to all of you guys' tales of rejection. One thing that I've used as a filter is to look for a "buying signal" ... if I see a woman I'm interested in I will not approach her immediately but will watch her demeanor for a couple of minutes. That tells me a lot. First off, is there a ring on her finger? Is she pre-occupied? Is she in a bad mood? Is she uptight? Or conversely, is she relaxed? Does she look available? Is she social? Shy? Confident? Not that this is a sales job, but I can't sell a car to someone who isn't buying. If she doesn't "look" available, she isn't, regardless if she's totally single and I'm exactly what she might be looking for on a good day. If she's cold and bitchy I don't approach her ... all I'm going to do is annoy her and experience rejection. Either she is a bitch or she's having a bad day ... in the first instance I'm glad I didn't waste my time (and why would I want to give her any ego gratification for that), in the second, well, sometimes timing isn't in my favor. Women are not all the same and they don't all respond to the same things so I need to try to figure out what kind of approach she might be most open to. In a subtle way I use mirroring, both in body language and tone of voice to make her feel that I am "like" her and then she's more likely to be open to me. (I knew that communication class in grad school would come in handy!) We guys are far more intuitive than we think and we need to use that skill more.

Also, tell those voices in your head to shut the hell up ... the ones that say "oh, she's too good for me", etc. Don't make her opinion of you more important than your opinion of you. I mean, what's the worst she can say? No? If she does, you're no worse off than you are now, except maybe you learned something about your approach or your ability to read her. My grandmother (a wise woman, to be sure) used to tell me that you either get what you want or you get a lesson ... you only fail when you get neither. Funny that even though she's now gone she gets wiser the older I get.

If you have problems with approaching women, then don't focus on "closing the deal" ... just practice the approach, be friendly, then say "it was nice to meet you" and go on with your day. Do that a lot. Talk with everyone, men, women, stray dogs, whomever. You will begin to de-stress about the approach and will be more able to read people in the middle of conversations. Look for body language, tone of voice, eye contact. Try to put her at ease that you're not a psycho, but if you're interested in more than friendship, don't come across as a friend. Flirt a little. Playfully tease her a little, but with humor. Be a little of a challenge.

Ladies? Feedback?