74 replies to this topic

[Twinklez]

I've met many men over the past year that I would consider as a potential for a long term relationship. Problem is that I live in the sticks. Most of the men I meet are at minimum an hour away, on average 2-3 hours and occasionally 4-5 hours drive. I don't even bother looking further than that because so far any of the men that I've met that don't live in my back yard (that means all of them) say that I live too far to consider any kind of a romantic relationship.

Lots of things come to mind...
1. I'm in Texas because I moved 1800 miles to be with someone I loved, and I know I'm not the only person passionate enough about love to do something like that. So it didn't work out...I can't just lay down and quit.
2. Maybe it's not the distance; maybe they're just letting me down easy.
3. I wouldn't mind driving a few hours to see someone once or twice a month to get to know each other. Isn't there someone out there who feels I'm worth a couple hours' drive?
4. Maybe I'm attracted to men that are selfish or just afraid to even start something; how do I know?

I guess the questions I'd like answered (and mainly from the guys) is "If you meet someone who strikes your fancy and she doesn't live nearby, do you try to avoid anything beyond friendship?" and / or "Do you make it clear to her that there couldn't be the possibility of anything romantic between the two of you, even though you've already gotten a bit too cozy or close to it?" and "If she's too far for romance, why isn't she too far for friendship?"

[annasea]

Great topic, Tina!

I'm curious to see what the men come up with!

[Latitude Adjustment]

I find it interesting that we think a two hour drive is too far for a date but we will drive two hours to the airport, wait for three hours for the flight and sit on the plane for seventeen hours to go for a dive.

Where I live in the most densly populated state in the country I can't seem to find MS dive right within a two hour radius, I can't imagine what it's like in Texas however I do know there are some beautiful divers there.

[Twinklez]

I'm curious to see what the men come up with!

I don't know Annasea, 21 views and only you replied. Maybe it's just not for me to know.

Oh, wait...spoke too soon!

I find it interesting that we think a two hour drive is too far for a date but we will drive two hours to the airport, wait for three hours for the flight and sit on the plane for seventeen hours to go for a dive.

Where I live in the most densly populated state in the country I can't seem to find MS dive right within a two hour radius, I can't imagine what it's like in Texas however I do know there are some beautiful divers there.

Diving? Tina? Diving? Tina? Diving? Tina? I might as well give up, even I would choose diving! But hey...he doesn't have to choose; he could have both! (Well, depending on who "he" is.)

And no...I'm really not all that picky!
Honesty
No tobacco - chewing or otherwise (I'm allergic to the smoke and the other...well, it's just plain yuk!)
Alcohol is ok, but not on a daily basis, and not in excess (No pickled...uh...well...you know.)
Oh...he must be single! (The married ones don't seem to care how far I live; in fact, the further the better for them!)

Hey, that's not a big list really...

Edited by Twinklez, 12 December 2005 - 03:34 PM.

[finGrabber]

ya know, living in Dallas, going anywhere takes an hour!

funny, though, I met a guy in Plano a couple of years ago and when he found out that I live in Fort Worth, he told me that was too far. Nevermind that I was working in Plano at the time!

I think part of the problem is people want everything as easy as possible. Any and every relationship takes time. It makes me wonder how committed they'd be to a relationship anyway

[Twinklez]

Any and every relationship takes time.

One of my points..even friendships take time. There are men who will drive two or three hours to meet me for diving, but wouldn't dare consider that for dinner and a movie. I'm even willing to take turns heading their way, or meeting them in the middle somewhere. That's why I wonder...do I have a radar for selfish men?

LA - I bet you at least date in an attempt to find Ms Dive Right; I have only been asked out once since I became single well over a year ago. I'm not unapproachable...at least I don't think so. So what's up with that?

[WreckWench]

Once you've established that something is worthwhile then its easy to make the sacrafice. However the real sacrafice comes in putting the time/effort/distance into the exploration stages. The law of averages is really working against you here.

So the idea of internet sites that let you 'preview' profiles of people interested in meeting others is a good idea unless of course the person contacting you doesn't read your profile. Add to that, when I wanted to email, talk and take some time to get to know them, the guys ONLY wanted to meet in person as quickly as possible which usually yielded men who looked nothing like the 10 year old pictures that they had posted on the site. So needless to say I got frustrated and gave up on them.

Then I figured I'd just go diving as much as I could and hope to meet new dive buddies and perhaps my soulmate...if he was out there. I met my fiance that way...I lived in Texas and he lived in SC and we met diving in NC. But more importantly, I've met lots of great friends of both sexes and now this is how I recommend anyone meet someone.

Hang out with people who have like interests...be yourself and if you click with someone...there will be a lot less of the sacrafice involved that you mention in your post.

[madlobster]

I'm not going to pretend I know how it must be whereas I am married, but I can't imagine distance being the issues. If it right, it's right, people will find a way to make it work regardless of distance. It does seem that either the one(s) you have met so far are not right (you for them or them for you), your mode of finding such a person ie; clubs, internet, shopping or whatever may need to be channeled elsewhere. Again I presume nothing as I am married, but if the interest is there on both sides then the best way is to communicate to each other, keep an open mind, listen, and go from there. Above all never compromise your standards to make something work, it'll backfire in the end. So (IMO) distance shouldn't be the deal breaker

[drbill]

Hi Tina... Good topic.

I have never considered distance a major factor in a potential relationship, but it does introduce some significant "reality" into the considerations. If I were to meet a woman on the island, most likely she would live in Avalon... and probably be less than a 10-minute walk from me. Of course she could live in the interior and be as far as a two hour drive, but since I don't have a car it would more likely be a full day's walk.

Women that I'd be interested in are more likely to live on the "Big Island" (sometimes referred to as "the mainland" or LALA Land or SoCal). Since it is a $50 RT boat ride that takes one hour just to get to where my car is, it is difficult. A woman hundreds or thousands of miles away is obviously very difficult.

However, were I to meet a woman who lived in Timbuktu, and thought we had real potential together, the distance wouldn't stop me. Once I buy a decent laptop with video editing capabilities (anyone want to buy my six old ones?), I can take my current projects with me and work from her home.

Now if she happens to live near a great dive site (let's say western Australia, Cairns, Thailand, Malaysia, the Red Sea, Madsagascar, the Galapagos, etc., etc.) distance wouldn't be an issue at all. I'd just plan to make a new DVD about the region where she lives. That way I'd have to stay there for months or years at a time to collect and edit the footage.

Yes, I'm a romantic at heart... and given my location I'm used to long distance relationships. Of course if she happened to live on Venus, now THAT might pose a serious problem!

[jextract]

Well, seeing as how when I met my wife I lived in Los Angeles and she in Scottsdale, Arizona ... I'd say that's a little longer than an hour drive, and it seemed to work out for us OK. We just traded off weekends in each other's town for five months until she moved here. So it can be done, but both people have to see the same potential future for the relationship.

[Walter]

Perhaps, I'm not the best person to answer this question. I once met, fell in love with, romanced and married a woman 12 time zones away.

Distance is a big factor. Until one of you moves, a large distance severely limits how much time you can spend together.

Unless it's over a three hours drive, I personally, don't even think much about distance. Within 3 hours, you can still see each other every weekend. If you're 2 hours or less apart, you can see each other on weekends and a couple evenings a week (especially, if you can meet in the middle).

Others look at it differently. I once dated a woman who lived about 1½ hours away. We were hitting it off really well, but she called it off because, "I'd rather be alone than to be missing you all the time." That's not how I look at it, but it takes two.......

If you meet someone who strikes your fancy and she doesn't live nearby, do you try to avoid anything beyond friendship?

No. If she's within a three hour drive, I don't really think about the distance at all. If she's farther than that, I have to have a strong attraction. The stronger the attraction the farther I'm willing to travel. I can drive over 1000 miles (one way) on a long weekend, I can fly even farther.

Do you make it clear to her that there couldn't be the possibility of anything romantic between the two of you, even though you've already gotten a bit too cozy or close to it?

If the attraction isn't there, I try to be up front about it.

If she's too far for romance, why isn't she too far for friendship?

Romance requires more physical contact.

[jextract]

In one sense, everything in life comes down to economic theory (OK, I say that because I'm a trained economist ... kids, don't try this at home!). The marginal benefit of the relationship, or perceived future marginal benefit, must exceed the marginal cost of the commute/distance. In my case, I saw a huge upside from being with my now wife that far exceeded the cost (financial and PITA) of flying L.A. to Phoenix or the reverse every week.

[drbill]

Gulp, you economists always have to throw a wrench into the works, Jamie! Now with the high cost of gas, I guess I need to adjust my acceptable distance ranges accordingly. Remember... it is especially painful for me as a starving marine biologist.

By the way, Jamie, are we diving Fri and Sat this coming weekend or just Sat with Michael and his daughter? It looks like thanks to the Catalina Express San Pedro schedule I may get stuck on the mainland until the next boat runs Fri AM.

[Twinklez]

Thank you all so very much for your replies. Walter, what you had to say really answered my questions in a nutshell. Basically, what it gets down to is the book Annasea talked about back in August - "He's Really Not That Into You." I'm apparently not right enough for the men I've been meeting which, really means, they're not right for me.

So, as they say out here in the sticks "Ain't but one thing to do...."

Plan my next dive trip!

[Walter]

Let's go diving!