266 replies to this topic

[SeaSeeker]

TCDamsel, I hear ya!
I, to, am very independent, both personally and financially, and I have felt that "getting involved with a man is more trouble than it is worth" too.
If I'm really and truly honest about it, though - brutally honest - that's just one of the excuses.
I have a lot of them.
No time
too busy
hard to meet anyone
I'm too independent
men aren't interested in me because ____ (fill in the blank with the matter of the day)
and I could go on for pages.

I've given them all up, though. Or at least I'm trying to.

I can't bring myself to do that whole "must get a date" quest. The internet sites, the introduction services, the speed dating events, going to bars, whatever. All that just feels wrong for me - desperate or something. And please - any of you that find those solutions to be right for you - more power to you and I don't mean any disrespect. It is just what feels right or wrong for me.

And, I've just decided to share here ( yikes - feels kinda like baring my soul, but what the heck) my 2008 New Year's resolution that I am proud to say I'm still living. I have given myself permission to
Live fearlessly (but not stupid)
love again
trust again
risk again
stop apologizing for who and what I am.

So, I go about my life being the most authentic "me" I know how to be, and remind myself constantly to be open to meeting new people and trying new things. I try to step a little beyond my comfort zone now and then, and seek out opportunities to do new things. I try to avoid being in a rut (read that staying home by myself and isolating) and go out and do things I enjoy or have friends over. I have determined that "participating" is the first requirement.

Growing into this philosophy (for lack of a better word) has not been an easy process. I still need to stop myself and assess frequently. And, although I am still single, I'm truly happier and more content than I"ve been before. In the end, the primary goal isn't about meeting someone - it is about loving my life and being the most that I can be, and being happy whether I'm single or not. If someone is interested in me, I need to know by them making it pretty plain (no mysterious signals will be analyzed or intrepreted ). And, if I'm interested in someone, I will let them know know. And they will know the real me (how much time have we all spent in life trying to be what we thought others wanted us to be?) and get the best of who I am.

(honesty moment - right now I'm fighting the urge to delete this whole post because it is feeling a whole lot out of my comfort zone to put all this so "out there")

SD is the first time I've ever done group travel. I have been surprised at how much I enjoyed the trips and look forward to another one. I agree with you, TCDamsel, that it is the perfect venue to pursue a passion for diving and to meet new people. Even if "Mr. Right" is not among the group, the practice of participating and getting out of "isolation" mode helps to break habits and give us new comfort zones.

Ok, I'm done waxing philosophic and "over-sharing" for the morning. Thanks for letting me.

Live. Laugh. Love.

cioa,
Tammie

[lynnlchan]

Well said and thanks for sharing.

[diverdeb]

Yes, very well said Tammy. I like your resolutions. Putting yourself out there, I think, is one of the hardest things there is to do. Risking your heart, especiallly after it has been trampled on, is, well, risky business. But the alternative is just not an option.

[uwfan]

Wow Tammie, that's an awesome resolution... one I'm trying to live myself...too much time spent in my life isolating. Glad I got to meet you at New Year's!

Here's to living and loving, and learning (even when it's scary )!!

[ScubaSis]

Well done Tammie!!! Keep up the good work!!

I am isolated WAY too often myself....I keep trying to find ways not to be. Some of it is my fault and some of it is just life. Joining up with SD was a start in the right direction. I truly enjoyed my trip to Bonaire last year and meeting so many great people. I just wish I could do it more often!! Unfortunately, LIFE gets in the way. Everyone I have met through SD gives me the feeling that they are in the group for the same thing I am. Just to have fun and share some fun times with other divers!! Not "men" and not "women" just other divers!! If you happen across the right mate..... it will be....no matter where you are.

I'm not good at letting someone know I'm interested in them.....I have work to do in that area
On the other hand, I have gotten better at telling them I'm NOT interested!! Is that a good thing????


Sissy

Edited by ScubaSis, 22 March 2009 - 05:46 PM.

[Dave L]

Wow, the last few posts have been really, really good for me. I have to learn how to put myself out there. I had isolated myself for a few years after my wife died. Getting back into scuba diving last June has been a real first step. I'm so glad I found this site and am able to start going on some of the trips. As has been said, it is about diving and just being with some like minded people, not necessarily men or women, but a real mix of people. Being with people that enjoy something that I enjoy too.

Thanks to everyone for sharing, especially the girls. When I only had to really know one, it was pretty simple. But now that life has moved on I need all the insight I can get.

See some of you at Beneath the Sea.

Dave

[Victoria]

Dave, you are most welcome.

[TRINITY]

Have to agree with Dave, interesting to hear the soul searching/bareing from the ladies of SD! Thank you Tammy and Ellen and Victoria, for sharing your thoughts, fears, and victories. It seems we have all been in the same dysfuntional relationships, ( in that way, it feels like,,, I've dated you all!), common now, smile,,,lol, just teasing you gals,,,,,,where one loved too much/not enough, one wanted too much/not enough, or one gave too much or not enough. Tammy you need to be applauded for your resolution, and Ellen dont give up, there are plenty of decent guys worth the effort, out there, even in Michigan . It does make me wonder if this is a "coming of age" thing where, we are forced to go through a bunch of "screwed up" relationships, before we find happiness. (Kamala had spoke with me about this a little while in Curacao) Do you need to get thru your 30s (some, myself included, 40s) before were able to find a relationship that works. I agree with Ellen, that at times it does feel like the effort is just too much work. But now for the first time (at 50, YIKES!!!, to admit) I am spending some real time alone, contemplating what I want, AND what I dont, it isnt so scary to be alone. Lots of advantages really, you can do whatever you want, whenever you want, like trying out my new rollerblades, naked, in my hugh garage one night. It seems at this age many of us feel we are in the same (dive)boat, and without sufficient social ties its easy to feel like that boat is, adrift.
I wanted to add my 1/2 psi worth on how I tell if someone is interested, but first, how to know there not a good match, (least for me) on a first date, unfortunately, my list is from personal experience.,,,,,, 1. failing to wear deodorant.
2. stating they could see themselves, married to me.
3. admiting that you "think" you look 15 years younger, so you "said" you were.
4. forgetting to mention, you have 6 kids, still at home.
5. admitting that you have been (for 14 years) in a lesbian relationship, and looking at me "as a test stud", to see if you want to return to a heterosexual lifestyle.

How to tell someone is interested,,,,,,,,, IM very HOpinion,,,,,,,
1. laugh and smile, hell, even if it isn't sincere, it feels good
2. dont offer to shake hands at the end of a first date, I ALWAYS see that was the social equilivant to "good ridence",,, go for a short hug, it wasnt a job interview, afterall.
3. speak of something your passionate about
4. BE HONEST!!!!!
5. we all have some baggage, hold back some in the cargo hold
6. touch, now just a little, that can also be added to the list of how to tell a person is, VERY interested, lol
7. listen and interact, always makes me want to run screaming from someone upon meeting you has NO interest, there has been quite a few of those,

[SeaSeeker]

Thanks everyone for the much-appreciated supportive words.

T - I'm
and wondering....

if you are correct in your hypothesis that ...

there are plenty of decent guys worth the effort, out there

- then can you also provide a map to locate them?


I differ with you that

trying out my new rollerblades, naked, in my huge garage one night

is by its nature an event that is one of the

advantages really, you can do whatever you want, whenever you want

Any man of mine wants to try out his rollerblades naked in the garage, I'm totally in for seeing that! I might even offer first aid and TLC for the highly likely scrapes that will result.


In all seriousness, I think you must have had some of the worst first dates on record. Sounds like situations straight out of a bad movie.
I commend you for continuing to try and having another first date after all that.

You are right, it is not so scary to be alone. But the social network is critical to keep from going adrift.

keep smiling!

Tammie

[Landlocked Dive Nut]

You are right, it is not so scary to be alone. But the social network is critical to keep from going adrift.

I think the issue for Dave L, for me, and for others who were in long-term relationships & suddenly found themselves "alone, out in the world again" is that our entire social network for a very long time was the significant other, family, and various "couples".

Not exactly an easy thing to change your social world from that scenario into a swinging single life, especially for those of us in a certain age bracket. It takes courage after many years of marriage to put yourself back out there, and it's a very vulnerable feeling.

All I can say, Dave L, are a few things you already know: you don't get anywhere in life without trying; being told "no" does not kill you (although the delivery can smart); and if you never ask, the answer is always no.

Finally, not every date has to be the beginning of "the next long-term relationship". Sometimes, a date is just fun, on both sides!

[Cold_H2O]

You are right, it is not so scary to be alone. But the social network is critical to keep from going adrift.

Very well put. I relocated almost 1 year ago.. Left an area that I had lived in for 20 years.
Moved over 2,000 miles from home to a place where I had a few casual aquaintenances and a few dive buddies.
No best girl friends.. no family within driving distance (no matter if you like yours or not.. family is FAMILY)

It was a lot to take in.. a lot to adjust to... I got out some.. Dive buddies are fabulous and great at inviting you to get out.
I found myself staying home and not interacting like I had been use to doing. (there was alot on my plate besides the move and new job)

The longer I stayed isolated the harder it was to get myself out and interacting.

I am happy to report... I am back on track.. back getting out and getting involved no longer feeling adrift and out of sorts.
Still single.. still not dating that fabulous dive guy... BUT... I am enjoying the friends I had when I moved here and the new ones I made along the way.

Being single.. tough at times but bearable.. Being alone.. not acceptable.. You NEED the support of friends...

Edited by Cold_H2O, 23 March 2009 - 02:32 PM.

[Dave L]

Yeah, getting out in the world again was pretty difficult. I've learned not to be looking for "the one". I needed to just get comfortable with myself and take it one day at a time. I've done pretty good with that so far. You are correct, a no is not the end of the world. For awhile it felt like high school all over but I got through that. In retrospect, some of the no's were the right thing. Kinda glad of them after the fact when I finally opened my eyes a little.

I have changed my social life a bit. Spend my time mostly with other single people that I really wouldn't have gotten to know otherwise. So, all in all, life goes on. Neither better nor worse, just different. Life is still about attitude and I plan on having a ball.

Dave

[Victoria]

Quoth Dave:
Neither better nor worse, just different. Life is still about attitude and I plan on having a ball.

Spot on! Bravo!

[TRINITY]

Thanks everyone for the much-appreciated supportive words.

T - I'm
and wondering....

if you are correct in your hypothesis that ...

there are plenty of decent guys worth the effort, out there

- then can you also provide a map to locate them?


I differ with you that

trying out my new rollerblades, naked, in my huge garage one night

is by its nature an event that is one of the

advantages really, you can do whatever you want, whenever you want

Any man of mine wants to try out his rollerblades naked in the garage, I'm totally in for seeing that! I might even offer first aid and TLC for the highly likely scrapes that will result.


In all seriousness, I think you must have had some of the worst first dates on record. Sounds like situations straight out of a bad movie.
I commend you for continuing to try and having another first date after all that.

You are right, it is not so scary to be alone. But the social network is critical to keep from going adrift.

keep smiling!

Tammie

Hi Tammie!
Ahhh, that most elusive "map to decent members of the opposite sex, worth the effort", hmmm,,, where did I put that???,,,,, I think I set it on the ground, right before they poured my new 6" thick concrete garage floor over it. I seem to recall it would only work if whomever found it had worn thru the concrete, with their rollerblades while blading in the nude. Hey I'm game, I gave it a try, winters as anyone from MN can atest to, are nasty when your dressed for it, BRUTAL!!!! in the buff when its 18 below, even in your garage. So I'll wait until it warms up some more, maybe see if I can find some more abrasive rollerblade wheels, too!
I do have a pretty good list of disaster dates, they make for good stories today though. But I have met some dandy nice people too, some right here on SD. The disaster dates do help you know, (to quote the gambler) "when to hold em, and know when to fold em" Something I didnt always know in the past. Hang on, let me go get another beer,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,ok I'm back, they say that some level of physical attractiveness is the basis for most relationships, that makes sense, I mean who wants to hang with a SO so unattractive you have to always bring them with, because, you cant stand to kiss them, good-by. That being said I think in the past I sometimes, ok, often, used that as my main criteria. It often didnt work well, (evil Terry, my Gemini twin says, "you think!?" ) Today I look for a friend first, that I could still stand to kiss goodbye, hell most of the time I'd rather bring her with though. I think today maybe its the age, I'm 50 now, no longer have any interest in dating the 20 year olds. Does that mean the ML crisis is over?

[uwfan]

I think today maybe its the age, I'm 50 now, no longer have any interest in dating the 20 year olds. Does that mean the ML crisis is over?

There's an end to the ML crisis.... [Breathes SIGH of relief...this is VERY GOOD news INDEED! LOL!!]