161 replies to this topic

[finGrabber]

I think "you're a nice guy but" is really slang for "I don't see this going anywhere, romantically"

people expect to have their emotions going wild after 3 dates and when it doesn't happen that way, they get scared

my experience has been that most people put up a facade to protect themselves, as in, you won't be interested if you know who I really am...no relationship can be based on a falsehood

the other thing is you have to learn to set bounderies ie what you will or won't do for someone else...I tend to be way too giving to anyone, friends included...one of these days I'll learn not to do that!

and by Walter's definition, that would make me a wimp so my goal for 2007 is to change that behavior in myself and see if I can be happier

[Blackhawk]

I think "you're a nice guy but" is really slang for "I don't see this going anywhere, romantically"

people expect to have their emotions going wild after 3 dates and when it doesn't happen that way, they get scared

my experience has been that most people put up a facade to protect themselves, as in, you won't be interested if you know who I really am...no relationship can be based on a falsehood

the other thing is you have to learn to set bounderies ie what you will or won't do for someone else...I tend to be way too giving to anyone, friends included...one of these days I'll learn not to do that!

and by Walter's definition, that would make me a wimp so my goal for 2007 is to change that behavior in myself and see if I can be happier

Yeah I had chick tell me she loved me after 2 dates... then wonder why I never called her back... Infataution maybe...

I give you who I am. No facade... The only facade you'll get is no smart ass, sarcastic comments.. that waits until atleast the fourth date and it's brought on slowly ... gotta get you used to it haha

[Cold_H2O]

{snip}
Best advice has already been given - be yourself (if you can't, then drink heavily til you can be...).
So go do what you truly love, and look and see who else is there. They might not work out, or might be taken, but they prob have friends that aren't that either enjoy the same thing, or are interested.
{snip}
And if all else fails, fly out to Vegas.

I happen to know that you are a nice guy.. a GREAT guy.
Tons of fun on dive trips....

When you heading to Vegas??? I can tag along and take pictures

Is there diving in Vegas???

[IrishPaul]

I love this thread! - it is ok to be a nice chap (proud member)- (also helps to have a english accent - .. anyway...)
But be ya self - there is no point putting on a false persona - and always make the decisions - especially in the early days. Pick out 2 or 3 things to do - but start of with "I am going to do this - fancy joning me for dinner there!". no hmmm or errring - leave that to GW Bush.
Then you will learn what they like/dislike then after a while it will be joint decisions as to where to go or try a new venue to check it out etc. So Early days - take the lead - you can still be the nice guy but also enjoy yourself - it is not a job interview.

Think the big thing the ladies have is - even nice guys should take a few risks - either from ya stories or asking them/stating to them that you have made all the plans for the trip/date etc-

Then again - don;t take my advice - now single again (never married) - but because of moving over here because of work (florida). :-(

Anyway - glad to be in America folks - love this place.

And FYI - email overseas long distance - DOES not work - trust me! After leaving Ireland, then England, after a few months over here - my GF is now just one of my friends now - it happens.

FYI #2 Most nices guys tend to have ex Girl friends as now friends - no harm in that - just remember - move on!

[Walter]

The only facade you'll get is no smart ass, sarcastic comments.. that waits until atleast the fourth date and it's brought on slowly ... gotta get you used to it haha

Try something. Next time you meet an interesting woman, turn it on right away. Don't even wait for the first date. It's you and she'll love it.

[WreckWench]

The only facade you'll get is no smart ass, sarcastic comments.. that waits until atleast the fourth date and it's brought on slowly ... gotta get you used to it haha

Try something. Next time you meet an interesting woman, turn it on right away. Don't even wait for the first date. It's you and she'll love it.

Walter is right..when I first met Blackhawk he was as he said...sweet and charming. However after about 3 or 4 days into the trip the gloves came off and he was 'himself'. Boy did he shine then. He was funny, a bit smartassed but not in the least mean and he fit in with the group PERFECTLY!

Walter is right...turn on your special charm NOW!

I recall my first breakthru in dating. When I was around someone that I 'liked' I was so worried about coming off as someone that he would like that I rarely accomplished the goal of getting asked out. But when I was around guys that I wasn't interested in I wasn't worried about getting asked out and I took chances I would have never taken otherwise. Why? Because I had no fear of failure. And without the fear...I was more myself. And when I was myself I got asked out a lot. Now the confusing part...I NEVER made the connection that it was ME...that could influence the outcome...instead I blamed it on 'great guys' not being attracted to me and 'guys I'd like as friends' as being attracted to me.

It wasn't until about 4 years ago that I FINALLY made the connection that it was me all along. Now as people know..I'm 'me' regardless. And trust me it works! -ww

[Walter]

Excellent point, Kamala. Ya gotta get rid of the fear. If you don't connect, that's a good thing, you've eliminated someone who's not for you.

[jholley309]

I love this thread! - it is ok to be a nice chap (proud member)- (also helps to have a english accent - .. anyway...)

Excellent! I'm glad to see that it's turned out to be a little different from the usual "Nice Guys Finish Last" kind of vibe. Oh, and about the accent: it also helps to speak pidgin Russian with a Southern accent, too.

But be ya self - there is no point putting on a false persona -

Yep. I agree. I think that a large number of failed marriages that I've seen over the years were the result of one or both of the parties maintaining that false persona up until the vows were exchanged. Then suddenly, the other partner discovered they were married to a person completely different from the one they were dating.

One of the keys to making a long term relationship work is open, honest communication. You've got to break through the first impressions, the tendency to put the best foot forward, and the instinctive urge to impress the other partner and get to the really real person underneath. I used the word "intimate" in a previous post: what I meant by that was the act of baring one's soul to another person. All your hopes, fears, dreams, failures, bad days, good days, doubts, and general goofiness. Everything that makes you you. The most successful couples, married or otherwise, have broken through all of the artifice associated with "dating" and have made a conscious decision to be with the other in spite of everything. If you don't have that level of intimacy in the relationship, then physical intimacy is essentially meaningless. Casual sex, if you will. I personally can't go there; I'm just not wired that way. Better to be alone than in a dead-end relationship with the wrong person, or a purely physical relationship with the right person.

For me, it's all about committment. And committment is all about freewill. Two people, making a decision to be with the other, despite any differences they may have, and on the basis of their fundamental compatability with each other. That's what committment is all about. Wedding vows are merely a reflection of that committment; in fact, it is entirely possible for two people to be completely committed to each other without ever exchanging vows publicly. Marriage is simply the "public" profession of that committment, and if you're not willing to commit before walking the aisle, you might as well bag it and stay home. A ceremony does not a marriage make.

And therein lies my problem. Kamala mentioned making a list of your top "deal breakers"; the very top of my list is mutual acceptance of the concept of emotional intimacy. If she doesn't get that concept, she's not in the running as a potential mate. If she's not in the running for a potential mate, I move on and try it with someone else. I don't have any problem finding dates. I have a problem finding a mate. I'm not the sort of fellow that has any pathological need to have a woman on his arm. I would rather go stag than go out with someone just for the sake of going out with someone. It's expensive and pointless, and ultimately a waste of time. I have no problem being alone; I just want to be able to share my life with someone that is willing to share her life with me. Intimacy for the sake of intimacy. Freely surrendering to another person, simply because I choose to.

So there it is: Relationships According To Jim Holley. Hmm. Maybe I shouldn't wax philosophical about this sort of thing after a few pints of my latest batch of homebrew...

Ah, it's just my coupla pennies worth. Take it with whatever size grain of salt you feel is appropriate.

Cheers!

Jim

[WreckWench]

Jim that was spot on! You have described the EXACT relationship I've waited my entire life to achieve and now believe that I have.

I applaud your ability to articulate concepts difficult to express and in so doing reveal not only a deeper side to yourself but also to the quality of people that seem to gravitate to scuba.

I soooooooooooo agree with getting to know someone without all the pretense. Diving is an excellent way to do just that. Its hard to not accept someone at full face value when you see them dripping wet, sea boogies smeared across their face, mask squeeze and the fragrant smell of neoprene.

Although now I'm not so sure that you'll be safe on an SD trip. Although we are NOT a dating site...I would lay odds that you now have quite a female following on this site!

[Walter]

Oh, and about the accent: it also helps to speak pidgin Russian with a Southern accent, too.

Pravda, y'all.

[Twinklez]

The only facade you'll get is no smart ass, sarcastic comments.. that waits until atleast the fourth date and it's brought on slowly ... gotta get you used to it haha

Try something. Next time you meet an interesting woman, turn it on right away. Don't even wait for the first date. It's you and she'll love it.

With this I would agree!

IF ... it's really you.

I don't want someone on their best behavior unless that's how they most always are. I don't want to be teased so much early on though either, unless that's who you are. Remember, you're just getting to know each other and sometimes it's hard to tell how to take someone who's being playful, especially if he's doing it because he thinks he should. I prefer a little mischief mixed with an equal amount of substantial conversation or interaction.

If you are yourself, she'll be more likely to relax and be herself as well and you'll both love it!

Edited by Twinklez, 30 December 2006 - 07:25 PM.

[annasea]

I don't want someone on their best behavior unless that's how they most always are. I don't want to be teased so much early on though either, unless that's who you are. Remember, you're just getting to know each other and sometimes it's hard to tell how to take someone who's being playful, especially if he's doing it because he think he should. I prefer a little mischief mixed with an equal amount of substantial conversation or interaction.

So true! Thank you for writing this, Tina! Nothing worse than someone turning on the charm solely to attract another's attention. As you say, if that's how s/he really is, it's fine, but otherwise, don't waste my time. I once met someone who was just an absolute delight! At first. Then with time, all that playfulness and whimsy disappeared. Had I known what this person's true nature really was, I never would have spent so much energy on him. I tried numerous times to find an explanation for the behaviour change... assumed it was my fault, but frankly, I feel he deliberately misrepresented himself.

back, BTW!


Jim,

Based solely on your writings and hearsay, you are indeed a gem! I have no doubt you'll find what you're looking for and so richly deserve.

[Twinklez]

With all of what's been said, I think it's more accurate to say that for lifetime relationships both men and women are looking for someone who is genuine and sincere. It's not so much the bad boy vs nice guy thing really. There are plenty of nice guys who misrepresent themselves without being evil and sinister, solely for the purpose of gaining love. Bad boys do the same thing...they hide behind that bad boy persona for a variety of reasons. I want the genuine and sincere man in between the nice guy and the bad boy. I know he's out there....somewhere.

Thank you Annasea.

Edited by Twinklez, 30 December 2006 - 07:47 PM.

[jholley309]

Based solely on your writings and hearsay, you are indeed a gem! I have no doubt you'll find what you're looking for and so richly deserve.

Oh, my goodness. There's hearsay about me? Egad!



Cheers!

Jim

[jholley309]

Thank you Annasea.

Well, I'd like to publicly say "Thank you!" to everyone who has participated in this thread. Walter, Blackhawk, Kamala, Caetlon, Tina, Dr. Bill, and everyone else: you are the perfect case study of why Singledivers.com is as special as it is. I have never seen another Internet community that shows as much respect for each other as this one. You are all world-class people, and don't you ever let anyone tell you otherwise.

And especially, a HUGE "Thank You!" to Kamala, for what this site has grown into over the years. Everyone should send her a PM saying "Thank You!" just because you can.

Now, let's go diving somewhere!

Cheers!

Jim