98 replies to this topic

[finGrabber]

Too many people think that because someone can't see you, that they can't find you either, which is not true at all.

[drbill]

I agree too, but there are people out there who would send their pictures..

Where did you want me to send them?

Oh, and Caetllonn, sorry about that PM. Just remember, it was your sigfile that first drew my attention. Remember, I'm interested in a cute (er, beautiful) mind.

[jextract]

I think that in these hyper-sensitive times, some people read more into things than they should. Remember, the dog that chases the car doesn't necessarily want to drive it.

[Walter]

Walter, I may be naive but I'm not stupid... that's not the kind of cute he was writing about.

I've never thought you were. I'm also sure that's not the kind of cute he meant.

[blacklatexozdiver]

Very good perspective...I do think that people 'mistake' flirting for more than what it is and others have to be hit with a 2x4 to realize that you are flirting! It can be rather confusing...

In my case it's not a 4b2 (2x4 in Aussie terms) but a Mack Truck... You have to be as subtle as a train smash for me to identify flirting.

[annasea]

Walter, I may be naive but I'm not stupid... that's not the kind of cute he was writing about.

I've never thought you were.

Just checking. (wink)

I'm also sure that's not the kind of cute he meant.

(blush) I think.

Too many people think that because someone can't see you, that they can't find you either, which is not true at all.

How so? Are you talking about IP addresses? If there's something else us non-techies should be aware of, please advise.

[Twinklez]

What you are referring Caetllonn is definitely a common problem on the internet. You don't want to be rude but you also don't want to open the door to the full blown internet come on. It is hard given that messages on boards tend to be taken to a different level - if you respond, you must be flirting and you must be interested. Of course, this is not always the case.

This being said, however, flirtly is simply a form of human interaction (IMO). Really, it ought to simply be referred to as a form of engaged conversation. As soon as you have engaged conversation with a member of the opposite sex, you are considered to be flirting. If the conversation is with someone of the same sex it is simply considered to be engaged conversation. Given that I believe in engaged conversation, I guess I will always be seen as flirting (much to the unhappiness of my BF...)

I totally agree with your "engaged conversation of the opposite sex" statement, Michelle. I think it's generally the men that see it as flirting, rather than the women. I have no problem, or very little problem, with bantering back and forth with someone who seems interesting.

What I didn't like about this exchange was the request for pictures. Whyever would I want to forward pictures of myself to a complete stanger?? I simply cannot comprehend the notion.

I see both of your positions about the engaged conversation, but I have to disagree. I do so because I have mistaken a man's friendly conversation as flirting for the purpose of determining interest. I was wrong. He simply enjoyed conversation with me and had no other interests. So, it's not just men who determine that if you're engaged in conversation, you must be flirting.

Also, you must remember that opposite sex relationships aren't the only relationships around. Women do flirt with other women, and men do flirt with other men. Then, in addition to all of that I've done my share of flirting with men that know I am not interested in them and they don't all assume that if I'm flirting I must be interested; in fact, I think I'd have to use the Mac Truck that ran over Wes to make them think I was interested!

As for the request for pictures Annasea, why didn't you simply reply telling him that you weren't interested? He may not have been a predator, but may have been way too presumptious about your intent. A simple slap on the hand may very well have put him where he needed to be without the assistance of a mod. You ARE cute, in conversation as well as physically, so why shouldn't he be interested. If he's new the board he may not have realized that everyone gets greeted...I didn't my first time. I thought I was special or something until I realized there's a group of people out there for the purpose of making newbies feel comfortable.

What I'm getting at is...in California I went through some pretty intensive training in the sexual harrassment area. What I learned is that in order for something to be harrassment he must have reason to believe his actions would be considered offensive, or he must have been told that his actions were offensive and have been asked to stop. He was on an internet board...he may not have realized. You didn't tell him that his comments made you uncomfortable and you were simply doing your job as a greeter.

I find that most men appreciate me telling them to please stop rather than being made to look and feel like a creep stalking someone.

[finGrabber]

Too many people think that because someone can't see you, that they can't find you either, which is not true at all.

How so? Are you talking about IP addresses? If there's something else us non-techies should be aware of, please advise.

IP addresses, for one; I've used match.com before and had a guy find me because their email system didn't truly hide my real email address; I was using one that had my last name in it; he narrowed it down because of my zip code and used on-line people searches to get my address

[annasea]

As for the request for pictures Annasea, why didn't you simply reply telling him that you weren't interested? He may not have been a predator, but may have been way too presumptious about your intent. A simple slap on the hand may very well have put him where he needed to be without the assistance of a mod. You ARE cute, in conversation as well as physically, so why shouldn't he be interested. If he's new the board he may not have realized that everyone gets greeted...I didn't my first time. I thought I was special or something until I realized there's a group of people out there for the purpose of making newbies feel comfortable.

What I'm getting at is...in California I went through some pretty intensive training in the sexual harrassment area. What I learned is that in order for something to be harrassment he must have reason to believe his actions would be considered offensive, or he must have been told that his actions were offensive and have been asked to stop. He was on an internet board...he may not have realized. You didn't tell him that his comments made you uncomfortable and you were simply doing your job as a greeter.

I find that most men appreciate me telling them to please stop rather than being made to look and feel like a creep stalking someone.

I understand where you're coming from, Twinklez, in hindsight, of course, but at the time, I was so taken aback that it didn't occur to me to let him know I wasn't interested. And frankly, it was such a *creepy* request, why should I even feel that I owe him that courtesy? This guy is very well written and seemingly courteous... I can't believe that he wouldn't know how his request would be potentially perceived.

It took me a few days to even tend to the matter and when I did, I didn't go shrieking hysterically to a mod, I merely contacted a very smart, experienced, level-headed mod for her opinion on the matter. Her response was that his actions were inappropriate and her suggestion was to forward the name of the member to her so she could address the matter accordingly. I did as she requested and the matter is now over. I simply mentioned it here as it seemed applicable to the thread -- what is flirting? (and what isn't.)

[Twinklez]

I understand where you're coming from, Twinklez, in hindsight, of course, but at the time, I was so taken aback that it didn't occur to me to let him know I wasn't interested. And frankly, it was such a *creepy* request, why should I even feel that I owe him that courtesy? This guy is very well written and seemingly courteous... I can't believe that he wouldn't know how his request would be potentially perceived.

It took me a few days to even tend to the matter and when I did, I didn't go shrieking hysterically to a mod, I merely contacted a very smart, experienced, level-headed mod for her opinion on the matter. Her response was that his actions were inappropriate and her suggestion was to forward the name of the member to her so she could address the matter accordingly. I did as she requested and the matter is now over. I simply mentioned it here as it seemed applicable to the thread -- what is flirting? (and what isn't.)

I definately agree with you that it was not flirting - to you or to me. But no matter how well written someone is, you just don't know what's going on inside someone else's head...just as he/she can't know what's going on inside yours.

While I was on a few online dating sites, I only received a few advances but I have to say that the majority of them asked for more pictures. Yes, it offended me. Yes, it felt creepy. It even made me angry. I've even had some specify "full-body" pictures! I simply respond back politely that I'm looking for friends first and if inspecting "the package" is a priority to them then they certainly aren't what I'm interested in. I thank them for their time and interest and say goodbye. Plain and simple. I've not had that backfire on me once.

Granted you weren't on a dating site...at least that's not how it sounded to me. But remember, I was well written when I came to SD and I had no clue what a greeter was and why all these people were saying hello to little ole me. Thank goodness they were all women initially; otherwise, I might have thought I'd stumbled upon my ultimate dive buddy.

Edited by Twinklez, 13 December 2005 - 12:30 AM.

[annasea]

Flirting is the human mating dance. Sometimes it's serious, sometimes it's merely practice. It should always be fun. How do you tell if it's for practice or serious? You don't, not at the start. Flirting will escalate. When it escalates, your flirting partner will eventually put on the brakes if they aren't serious. If you aren't serious, you'll back off. Most flirting is merely practice or feeling out the situation to see if it has potential. Flirting builds sexual tension, if tactfully done, that's a fun feeling.

So the important question here is: When we are on the receiving end, how do we know if it's serious, or just practice?

When it escalates, your flirting partner will eventually put on the brakes if they aren't serious.

If they don't put on the brakes, they're serious. They may or may not have the same goal, but they are serious.

So the other important question here is: When can both parties expect these *goals* to be revealed in order to see if they mesh?

[Walter]

So the other important question here is: When can both parties expect these *goals* to be revealed in order to see if they mesh?

You can't. Expectations don't enter into it. Timelines vary from case to case. I've had some flirtations move very quickly while others linger. Enjoy the process.

[drbill]

I've had some flirtations move very quickly while others linger. Enjoy the process.

Um, Walter... I hate to ask this but which direction did they move? Just teasing.

[Walter]

Some one way, some the other. No injunctions.

[Basslet]

Maybe I'm really stupid but what different kinds of "cute" are there?